And everybody still loved him, ’cause he was a cool kid, like you.
接下来一周 柯尔的烦恼更棘手了
And the next week, Cole’s problem was even tougher.
你会说梦话 所以不去别人家过夜？
You won’t do sleepovers, ’cause you say things in your sleep?
你跟我说话 如果我不告诉别人
Well, if I’m not gonna tell anyone about you talking to me,
你可以答应不告诉别人吗？
do you promise not to tell anyone?
当然了
Yeah. Of course.
这不是我真正的声音
This isn’t my real voice.
我的声音其实是这样的 但我不能让他们知道 我的声音很可笑
I really talk like this. I can’t let them know. I sound ridiculous.
太搞笑了
This is priceless.
我帮他解决了 我告诉他…
Well, I fixed it. I told him…
你的声音很像当年吉斯乐队的歌♥手 -什么？
You sound like a young Bee Gee. -A what?
威肯呢？你认识他吗？
How ’bout The Weeknd? Know him?
对 就是这样
Yeah, like that.
上周他在冬季演奏会上献唱
Last week, he sang at the winter recital,
我听说大家都为之疯狂
and I heard they went nuts.
好样的 麦金老师
Nice job, Ms. Malkin.
不好意思 你刚刚是夸我吗？
I’m sorry, was that praise?
继续加油 我们可能会继续请你过来
Keep it up, and we may see more of you here.
全班同学表现都很棒 -他们赢了吗？
The class did great. Did they win?
没有 向来都是幼儿园胜出 他们是无敌小可爱
Nah, kindergarten always wins. Way too cute.
你该看看我上周和米娅在一起的情景
And you should’ve seen me last week with Mia.
那个爱抱抱的黏人精？
You mean Huggy? The human cling wrap?
不好意思 她有名字
Excuse me. She has a name.
如你所知 她父母最近离婚了
As you know, her parents were recently divorced.
今天只迟到了两小时 真体贴
Only two hours late today. Very considerate.
你现在要让他自己剪头发吗？
Are you letting him cut his own hair now?
下周末 你不能看孩子 让我和奥萝拉
You can’t watch the kids next weekend, so me and Aurora can have
一起过情人节吗？我想请你帮个忙
Valentine’s Day together? I’m asking you one favor!
因为我知道你没有安排
You don’t have any plans. Because I know.
抱歉 但蜥蜴不会说话
I’m sorry, but lizards do not talk.
鹦鹉、金刚鹦鹉、鸣禽 还有某些虎鲸会说话
Parrots, macaws, songbirds, and certain killer whales.
网上的东西别全信
Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.
你为什么只跟我说话？
Why would you only talk to me?
因为你很好 你在学校表现好 总是回答问题
‘Cause you’re nice. You’re great at school, answering all the questions.
我喜欢学习 -你跟家人在一起安静多了
I love to learn things. -You’re a lot quieter around your family.
你不想让他们见识一下 你有多聪明吗？
Don’t you ever wanna let ’em see how big that brain of yours is?
我的兄弟姐妹觉得我是怪人
My brother and sister think I’m weird.
真的吗？
Really?
你长得真像我爷爷 是吗？这是好事？
You just looked like my grandpa. -Yeah? Is that a good thing?
我爷爷以前常常陪我聊天
My grandpa used to talk to me.
他真的很喜欢科学 会问我问题
He really liked science, and he would ask me questions,
虽然他知道答案
even if he knew the answer.
什么？他听起来是个好人
What? He sounds like a great guy.
他曾经是我最好的朋友
He was my best friend.
不 我不是故意要惹你哭
Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn’t mean to get that going.
拜托 孩子 我不想这样
Please, kid, I hate that.
抱歉 -没事 不用抱歉
I’m sorry. -Oh, no, no. Don’t be sorry.
别哭了 我受不了
Just stop. I… I can’t handle it.
但我妈妈说哭一哭没事的
But my mom says it’s good to cry.
我可不这么认为 我来让你冷静下来吧
Not where I come from. Here. Let me calm you down.
我给你唱首摇篮曲 你好好睡觉
I’ll sing you a lullaby, and you’ll go to sleep.
你吓死我了
Whoa. You scared me.
我爷爷以前也会这样安慰我
You’re just doing what my grandpa did,
假装不知道答案 好让我来说出正确答案
pretending not to know something, so I can tell you what’s right.
来 科学研究显示
Here. Scientific research has established
哭泣会释放催产素和内啡肽
that crying releases oxytocin and endorphins.
这些化学物质让人感觉良好 有助于缓解生理和心理痛苦
These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain.
我不知道怎么帮她 所以就倾听 这就帮到她了
I didn’t know how to help her, so I just listened. And that helped.
你还胡扯出外星人骗局
Wow. So you got this E.T. scam going.
让每个小孩都以为自己是埃利奥特 后果不堪设想
Got every kid thinking he’s Elliott? This will end badly.
我只知道这些小孩会记住我
All I know is these kids’ll remember me.
你听说上周三号♥仓鼠的葬礼了吗？
Did you hear about Hammy #3’s funeral last week?
三号♥仓鼠死了？我不知道 -没错
Hammy #3 died? Didn’t know that. -Exactly.
他们说葬礼超级无聊 大家都很沉默
They say the funeral was a snooze. No one had anything to say.
我喜欢它耳朵上的白点
I liked that white spot over his ear.
我喜欢它呼吸的样子
I liked the way he breathed.
它害我得红眼病
He gave me pinkeye.
我的葬礼将充满美好的回忆和趣事
My funeral is gonna be packed with fond remembrances and anecdotes.
好 不错 上周的单词你都记住了
Yeah, good for you and your last week’s vocabulary words.
哥们 说不定突然就翘辫子了
And, buddy, that funeral could come sooner than you think.
轮到我带壁虎回家了！
Me! Me! -My turn with the Geico thing!
玩得开心 安东尼！里奥很棒的！
Have fun, Anthony! Leo’s awesome!
这玩意的脑袋能长回来吗？ 还是只有尾巴？算了 我会搞清楚
These things heads grow back too? Or just their tails? I’ll figure it out.
糟了 快打给我的直系亲属 我要安排遗产分割的事
Oh, no. Call my next of kin. This is how I want to divide my estate.
救命啊！
Help me!
什么？ -我会挺你 哥们
What? I got your back.
不能让你独自面对 -你打算怎么办？
I couldn’t let you do this one alone. -What are you gonna do?
你放轻松 他很难伤到我 我有龟壳
You lay back. It’s harder to hurt me. I got the shell.
那提建议的事呢？
What about giving advice?
难道我什么都不懂？ 你能行的 我也能行
Oh, like I don’t know anything? I can do what you do.
好 这招绝了！好棒的策略！
That was an incredible move! What strategy!
嘿！…开始让他的…
Hey! …starting to let his…
直击对方的脑袋
Go straight to his head.
嘿 过来
Hey, over here.
什么？
What? -Ah!
拜托！ -别管了 我会说话
Oh, come on! -Forget that. I talk.
我的天 奶奶！
Oh my God. Grandma!
不 别叫 别那样做 不然我们死定了
No, no, no. Stop, stop. Can’t do that or we’ll all die.
什么？为什么？ -我不知道 我告诉你
What? Why? -I don’t know. I… I’m telling you.
你会死的 闭嘴 淡定 -好吧
You… You’ll die. Just shut up. Calm down. -Oh, okay.
回头再修手♥机♥ 我是只会说话的乌龟 我选你 是因为…
Fix your phone later. I’m a talking turtle. I picked you ’cause…
“我喜欢你的风格”
“I like your style.”
放轻松 -我能搞定 跟我说说你的烦恼
Take it down a notch. -I got this. Now, tell me your problems.
什么？我可以帮你解决烦恼
What? -I… I can fix your problems. I… I… I…
我看到五年级班里有各种问题
I seen a lot of things in that 5th grade room,
我可以帮忙 说说看
and I can help. So come on.
我没有烦恼 除了手♥机♥摔坏了
I don’t have any problems. Other than I broke my phone.
恶霸 我懂
Ah-ha. Bully. I get it.
你没安全感 对吧？班级小霸王都这样
Come on. You’re insecure, right? Every class bully is.
才没有 我不知道
No. I don’t know.
你很难过 内心无比痛苦
You’re sad, you got something tearing you up inside.
说说看 我是会说话的乌龟 我不会告诉别人
Just say it. I’m a talking turtle. I can’t tell anyone else.
我当然是小霸王 我不知道自己还能干什么
Of course I’m a bully. I don’t know what else to do.
我跟别人不一样 我不聪明 -不 每个人都有自己的聪明之处
I’m just different. I’m not smart. -Nah. Everyone’s smart in some way.
你只是害怕尝试 长着一副不聪明的面孔 这很典型
You’re just afraid of trying and looking not smart. That’s textbook.
什么是“典型”？ -知道吗？算了
What’s a textbook? -You know what? Never mind.
我在其他方面也不一样 -这就对了 来吧 说出来
I’m different in other ways too. -There you go. Come on. Out with it.
你不会说出去？ -不会 什么事？为什么难过？
You won’t say anything? -No. What is it? What’s the sadness?
我不知道小宝宝是怎么来的
I don’t know how babies are made.
非常好 非常典型的班级小霸王
Perfect. That’s very class bully.
外表强悍
Tough on the outside,
内心自怨自艾
a self-hating pile of cottage cheese on the inside.
你可以告诉我吗？小宝宝的事？当然 是这样
Can you just tell me? -Oh. About babies? Sure. Here we go.
首先 爸爸趁妈妈在水里游泳时 爬到她的背上
First, the daddy climbs on the mommy’s back while she’s swimming.
然后触碰妈妈身下的泄殖腔
He reaches under the mommy to find her cloaca.
这会持续24小时
This goes on for about 24 hours.
妈妈上岸筑巢 在沙子里下蛋
Then the mommy comes ashore, makes a nest, and deposits eggs in the sand.
我妈妈在沙子里下蛋？
My mom made eggs in the sand?
对 这样蛋就不会被鱼吃掉
Yes. So the fish don’t eat ’em.
我成功了 完美解决了那孩子的烦恼
I crushed it. Totally fixed the kid’s problem.
他用胶带把我绑起来 可能是因为想把我留下
The taping me up, maybe it’s ’cause he wants to keep me.
住手！
Stop!
你留级了 怀念以前的朋友吗？
You miss your friends from being held back.
担心被落下？
Worried about being behind?
这段时期很艰难 也是最美好的时光 相信我
This is a tough time, but these are the best years. Believe me.
无知是福
Enjoy not knowing everything.
好好享受当孩子的滋味 你是个好孩子
Enjoy being a kid. You’re a good one.
你想念童年时光吗？
Do you miss being a kid?
我还活着就很开心了
I’m just glad I’m still here.
好了 每个人 都带过里奥回家过周末了
Okay, every one of you has had a weekend with Leo here.
接下来 你们要带… 那只乌龟叫什么来着？