No!
所以爸爸帮洁妲争取到了 其他同学没有的东西
So Daddy got Jayda something no other kid gets.
是什么 爸爸？
What, Daddy?
妈妈 可以把蜥蜴放到我房♥间吗？ 马上要办生日派对了…
Should we put the lizard in my room? The birthday party’s coming up–
现在不行 亲爱的 爸爸还在吹嘘
Not now. Daddy’s bragging.
简直是我这辈子最糟糕的一天 没人关心我的派对
Ugh. It’s like the worst day of my life. Nobody’s focusing on my party.
肯定会一塌糊涂 其他小孩肯定会欢呼雀跃
It’s going to totally suck, and the other kids will be happy about it.
他们为什么会欢呼雀跃？
What? Why would they be happy?
因为他们都嫉妒我 慢着 什么？谁说的？
Because they’re all jealous. Wait. What? Who said that?
是我
That was me.
我的天！你会说话？ -不安全
Oh my God! You talk? -No, it’s not safe.
只有你能听见我说话 -我的天！爸爸 我们的蜥蜴会说话！
You’re the only one who can hear me. -So awesome! We have a talking lizard!
我的天！ -我只能跟你说话 爸爸！
I can only talk to you! -Oh my God! Daddy!
当然
Uh, sure.
有道理 不过你会在派对上变戏法吗？
That makes sense. But can you do tricks at the party?
你可以说唱边 边用舌头弹钢琴吗？
Can you rap and play the piano with your tongue?
不行 这是咱俩之间的秘密 我跟你说话 只是想给你建议
Nah, this is just between us. I’m talking to you to give advice.
我不需要建议 我很棒 -不 你很痛苦
I don’t need advice. I’m awesome. -Nah, you’re miserable.
慢着 什么？
Wait, what?
就像2003年的艾玛·劳伦斯 还有1955年的尼娜·梅耶斯
Just like Emma Lawrence in ’03, Nina Myers in ’55,
漂亮多金 前途光明
all pretty, all rich, all bright.
所以呢？ -没说完呢
So? -Not done.
目中无人 暗地里惹人恨
All snotty, all secretly hated.
人们就是喜欢嫉妒 -目中无人没什么好嫉妒的
People were jealous. -Not of the snottiness.
我这种人压力很大 别人不会懂
Look, people don’t realize the pressure someone like me is under.
我的家人很出色 对我有很多期望
My family is so amazing, so I have a lot more to live up to.
我得上最好的中学 办最棒的派对
I have to get into the best middle school and have the best party
只能结交精英人物
and, yeah, only the best people around me.
不 不是这样
No, you don’t.
你不懂什么身为出色之人是何滋味
Ugh, you don’t get what being awesome’s like.
因为你并不出色
But you’re not.
我什么？
I’m what?
接受自己吧
Brace yourself.
一般般？
A middleweight?
出色？
Great?
你很出色 但人无完人
You’re great, but no one’s that great.
我们只不过是人类和蜥蜴
We’re all just people and lizards.
这就对了
There you go.
太棒了
Bravo.
谢谢 -好样的 各位 -谢谢
Thank you. Great job, guys. Thanks.
亲爱的 给小费吧 什么？那些表？
Honey, maybe you wanna tip them? -What? The watches?
各位 要喝水吗？有人要喝吗？ -不用了
Guys, you want some water? Anybody? -No, that’s okay.
好 那就谢谢了 -不客气 -谢了 皮肤先生
Okay. Well, thank you. Yep. Thanks, Mr. Skin.
是“皮肤医生”
It’s “doctor.” “Dr. Skin.” Uh-huh.
爸爸 妈妈 我们还有请柬吗？
Mom, Dad, do we have any more invitations?
还要？你不想请的人 我们都排除在外了
More? I thought we excluded everyone you wanted.
对 但我们还要邀请一些人
Yeah, but we made a bigger list.
大家好 很高兴你们能来 -谢谢你邀请我们
Hi, guys. I’m so glad you came. -Thanks for inviting us.
不客气 你们好吗？
Of course. How are you?
等等 我知道答案 我们很好
Uh, wait. I know this one. We’re fine.
它的叫声好像柯尔
That thing sounded like Cole.
哇 赞恩现在也会说笑了？
Wow. Zane is funny now?
赞恩一向很搞笑的
Zane was always funny.
二年级的时候
Like in 2nd grade,
他告诉莱莫斯老师 超人来自面包丁星球？
when he told Mrs. Lemos that Superman came from planet Crouton?
你们去找泡泡人了吗？ -我们会去的
Hey. You kids try the bubble guy yet? -Dad, we’ll get to the bubbles.
这家伙太厉害了 能做泡泡动物
This guy’s next level. He makes bubble animals.
给 下一位！你没拿对
Here you go. Next. You’re not holding it right!
洁妲汉堡 洁妲薯球
Jayda burgers. Jayda taters.
洁妲蔬菜
Jayda vegetables.
请别这样
Please don’t do this.
你在看什么？
What’re you looking at, boss?
对短腿有意见吗？
Got a problem with compact legs?
什么？
What?
你在外面很厉害吗？ 待在箱子里做什么？
You think you got it so great out there? What do you do in the box?
我在蜕皮
Uh, I molt.
偶尔眨眨眼
Occasional blinking.
好吧 抱歉 兄弟 我们同病相怜
All right. I’m sorry, brother. We’re fighting the same fight.
我唯一的乐趣就是咬掉那家伙的手指
I mean, the only fun I’ve ever had was biting some of that guy’s fingers off.
我叫你五次了 从这个圈圈跳过去
I’ve asked you five times to jump through this hoop.
我年纪大了 知道吗？
I’m just, uh… I’m getting old, you know?
是否觉得时日不多 我们一辈子就这点见识？
Ever feel like time’s running out, and this is all we’re ever gonna know?
你刚刚跟那匹马说话吗？它开心吗？
Were you just talking to that horse? Is he having a good time?
我得告诉你
I gotta tell you,
事实上 动物根本不想被关起来…
the truth is, no animal wants to be locked inside–
洁妲 里奥 你们好 真不敢相信这有多酷…
Hey, Jayda. Hey, Leo. I can’t believe how much cool…
我只是跟洁妲打招呼 你玩得开心吗？
Uh, I mean, hey, just Jayda, are you having a good time?
谢谢你这么问 我爸妈从来不问
Thanks for asking me. My parents never ask.
他们以为我很开心
They just assume I’m having a good time,
因为他们还是没意识到 自己没那么出色
’cause they still don’t realize they aren’t that great.
你要怎样才会更开心？ -问得好
What would make you have a better time? -Good question.
跨接电缆 气球 -给
Jumper cables. Balloon. -Right here.
太好玩了！
This is so fun!
我特意交代过“不准乱来！”
I specifically said “no mayhem!”
谢了 PJ -是TJ
Thanks, PJ. -Uh, TJ.
不好意思 -没事 我喜欢眼神交流
Oh, I’m sorry. -It’s cool. Jacked about the eye contact.
拦住秒表 我的钱包被抢了
Stop that stopwatch. He’s got my wallet.
你成功了 老大 有史以来最棒的一天
You made it happen, boss. Greatest day ever.
嘿！里奥！里奥在哪里？
Hey, hey, hey. Leo! Where’s Leo?
有人把它带走了吗？拜托 快去找它 里奥！
Did someone take him? -Please, somebody find him. Leo!
里奥！
Leo! Leo! Leo!
你没拿对！
You’re not holding it right!
里奥！里奥在哪里？
Leo! Leo! Where is he?
里奥！
Leo!
里奥！
Leo!
你们真的很喜欢那只蜥蜴
You guys are really into that lizard.
它超棒的
He’s just awesome.
“茄子”！
Cheese!
我昨天在派对上玩得很爽 都睡不着 -你拿到泡泡动物了吗？
I had so much fun at the party. -Did you get a bubble animal?
骆驼也玩起了水上滑梯
Camel went on the waterslide.
又回来了？不是要逃走吗？ -等我逃走 你会知道的
Again? Whatever happened to zipping? -Oh, you’ll know when I zip.
我要去大沼泽地 饱餐一顿蛆虫
I’ll be in the Everglades dining on maggots
你只能白日做梦
you can only dream about.
你太有趣了 里奥 我会想你的
You were fun, Leo. I’ll miss you.
如果圣诞老人有39位精灵
If Santa Claus has 39 elves
每小时制♥作♥1981件玩具…
making 1,981 toys an hour…
这里冷死了 把龟壳借我挤一挤
Freezing here. How about giving a guy some shell?
等等 人气先生 你现在想进来跟我挤在一起？
Wait. Ho, ho, Mr. Popular, now you wanna come in here with me?
今天的气温是18摄氏度
It’s 65 degrees.
佛罗里达中部的冬天真要命
These Central Florida winters are brutal.
几分钟就好
Just a couple of minutes.
嘿 起码先请我吃顿晚餐
Hey, hey! At least buy me dinner first.
等等！那些是我的棒球卡吗？
Wait. Are those my baseball cards?
打给我
Call me.
你跟他们说话
You’re talking to them.
所以才不停地回来 什么？才没有
That’s why you keep coming back. -What? No.
一点点而已
Just a little bit.
不 一点点也不行 不可以跟人类说话
No, no, no, no. There is no little bit. We don’t talk to them.
在我见上帝之前 我的真知烁见能造福这些孩子
These kids are all benefiting from my insights before I drop dead.
好吧 是你的自尊心在作祟 -才不是这样
Okay, so it’s about your ego. That’s not what this is.
我只是分享74年来积累的智慧 帮助孩子们解决烦恼
It’s about sharing my 74 years of wisdom to help these kids with their issues.
无论是跟无人机绝交 还是穿二手裤
Whether it’s breaking up with the drone or having hand-me-down pants.
没啥大不了
Oh, boo-freakin’-hoo.
我16岁之前都戴我姐姐的龟壳
I had to wear my sister’s shell till I was 16.
我对TJ那孩子帮助很大
I made a huge difference with that TJ kid.
怎么？我不明白 这很正常
What? I don’t understand. That’s normal.
第一根？通常长在前面 不过没事 说明你在长身体
First one? Usually, it’s in the front, but very nice. You’re growing up.
不 是我爸爸
No, no, no. It’s my dad.
有什么好笑的？ 我告诉他 1974年时
What’s so funny? I told him that Dave Connaire,
戴夫·康奈尔突然长出一个大鼻子 像他爸一样
in 1974, all of a sudden, grew a nose the size of a Buick just like his dad’s.
大家依然喜欢他 因为他跟你一样 是个酷小孩