You can’t just say that!
看看这两只懒洋洋的班级宠物 它们会动吗？
Look at these lazy class pets. Do they even move?
我喜欢这份工作 -这只蜥蜴看起来很老
I’d like that job. -That lizard looks pretty old.
我看起来很老吗？
Do I look old?
谢谢
Thank you.
那是一只喙头蜥 寿命很长 可以活到大概75岁
It’s a Tuatara. They live a long time. Till about 75.
闻所未闻 认命吧 仓鼠们
Hmm. Never knew that. Suck on that, hamsters.
它看起来快到75岁了
Wow. Looks like he’s gettin’ close to that.
再见！很高兴见到你-
Bye. Nice seeing you.
这人疯了吧
Ah, he’s nuts.
你确实很老、脾气暴躁 还懒洋洋的 但那绝不能表明你75岁了
I mean, you’re old, cranky, lazy, but no way does that make you 75.
75岁
Seventy-five. Seventy-five. Seventy-five.
下面写着：
Underneath it says,
“我们是来自地球的人类 首次踏足月球
“Here men from the planet Earth first set foot upon the Moon.”
我们为和平而来…”
We came in peace–
1949年
1949.
什么意思？ -我是那年出生的
What about it? -I was born around then.
1949年到现在是多少年了？
How many years has it been since 1949?
不知道 要做加法
No idea. That’s addition.
加法是二年级的课程 我们只学分数
They learn that in 2nd grade. We’re all about fractions.
好极了 为什么不让我们四处走走 能多学点东西？
Great. Why can’t they move us around a little, so we can know more?
好 十六分之四等于四分之几？
Okay, four sixteenths equals how many fourths?
她要走了 同学们什么都听不进去 -1967年…
She’s leaving. They don’t hear a word. -1966, 1967…
你在干什么？ -数我几岁
What’re you doin’? -Trying to count how many years old I am.
1968、1969、1970…
1968, 1969, 1970…
我脚趾和手指都用完了！ 还能用什么数？
I’m out of toes and fingers. What else can I count with?
我可以告诉你 但儿童不宜
I’d tell you, but there’s kids around.
我是说它的尾巴
I was talkin’ about his tail.
加法…我得去找二年级的宠物问问
Addition… I… I gotta talk to some 2nd grade pets.
算了吧 我们只有在消防演习时 才能见到那些宠物
Forget it. We only see those pets at fire drills.
要到11月份才行呢
They don’t happen until November.
搞什么…
What the–
怎么了？这是消防演习吗？
Huh? What? -Is this a fire drill?
应该没事 不过我们去看看 安东尼 带上宠物
It’s probably nothing, but let’s go. Anthony, why don’t you grab the pets?
全员撤离！停、躺、滚！
Everyone evacuate! Stop, drop and roll!
我好像着火了！
I think I’m on fire!
老天 我们刚刚重新布置过！
Jeez, we just redecorated!
迟早有一天 警♥察♥会把那小孩抓走
Someday, cops are gonna carry that kid off a plane. Huh?
我把你俩放在这里吧 伙计们
I’ll park ya right over here, fellas.
好了 可以了
All right, here we go.
嘿 各位 暑假过得如何？ 做了什么好玩的事吗？
Hey, guys, how was your summer? Do anything fun?
睡觉 -睡觉
Sleep. -Sleep.
吃东西 -拉了很多便便
Eat. -Lot of poopin’.
太棒了 话说谁是二年级的宠物？
Terrific. Say, who’s 2nd grade again?
是我 你好吗 利兹？ -很好
That’s me. How ya doin’, Lizzy? -Great.
我其实叫里奥纳多 利兹是马库利亚老师班上的 美洲鬣蜥 你是…
I’m actually Leonardo. Lizzy’s the iguana in Mr. Marculia’s homeroom. You’re…
我叫肉桂兔 我知道 太俗了 他们又给我换名字了
I’m Cinnabun. I know. So corny. Just got renamed again.
那也比叫“桑普”强
Oh. Well, beats “Thumper.”
大概吧 最糟糕的就是谐音梗 无脑兔、假发兔、哈利波兔
I guess. What’s bad are the Hare ones. Hare Brain, Hare Piece, Hare-y Potter…
对 二年级学加法 对吧？
Right, right. Hey, the 2nd graders, you guys do addition, right?
…兔唇、男子美发俱乐兔
…Hare Lip, Hare Club For Men.
对 还有减法 加减都学
Yes, and subtraction. We do both.
太好了 好 听着 如果我是1949年来这里的
Great, okay, look. If I got here in 1949,
现在是2023年 那我是什么玩意？
and it’s 2023, what does that make me?
我知道 你是爬行动物
Oh. Uh, I know this one. A reptile.
笨蛋
Shmuck.
好了 各位 虚惊一场
Okay, it was a false alarm.
学校没着火
The school is not on fire.
不 我多大了？
No, how old would I be?
不！对 要用减法 好吧 掐指一算 74岁
No. Right, subtraction. Okay, um, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, 74.
74 那岂不是快… -举高高喽
Seventy-four. Isn’t that right before– Upsy-daisies.
等等！等一下！
Wait, wait! Hold on!
74之后就是75 对吧？
That’s the number before 75, isn’t it?
怎么回事？你好像不开心
What’s the matter? You look upset.
肉桂兔！
Cinnabun!
安静
Settle down.
我是一只蜥蜴
I’m a lizard. Ooh.
很好 别在乎！
That’s good. Don’t dignify it.
没关系 我死定了
Doesn’t matter. I’m doomed.
我74岁了 75岁就会死
I’m 74 seventy-fifths dead.
什么？班级宠物不会的
What? That’s not for class pets.
被圈养的动物 75岁跟70岁差不多
When you’re in captivity, 75 is the new 70.
你想长命百岁 不妨做点运动吧
And, hey, you wanna live so bad, a little exercise wouldn’t kill ya.
比如什么？ -眨眼不错 就从眨眼开始吧
Like what? -Blinking’s good. That’d be a start.
我会眨眼！ -很少
I blink. Barely.
好吧
Fine.
好吧 你不用马上就做
Okay. You didn’t have to dive right in.
何必自欺欺人呢？
Who am I kiddin’?
这把年纪才开始努力健身根本行不通
I can’t start this rigorous workin’ out at this point in my life.
为时已晚 我搞砸了
It’s too late. I blew it.
我浪费了生命！
I wasted my life!
现在快走到尽头了
And now, it’s almost over.
去忙你的事吧
Go about your business.
同学们 这位是你们的新老师
Everyone, meet your new teacher.
她就是代课老师？
This is our substitute?
你非得这么快就走吗？
You have to leave? So soon?
医生认为 我整个孕期都得休息
Well, my doctor thinks I need to rest through my pregnancy.
在我回来前 麦金老师会教你们
So until I’m back, you’ll have Ms. Malkin.
又不是脑部手术 各位
It’s not brain surgery, gang.
同学们 不用害怕改变
Guys, you don’t have to be afraid of change.
改变是人生中美好的一部分
Change is a beautiful part of life.
我不会唱歌♥ -好吧
Oh, I don’t sing. -Oh, okay.
继续上课吧 我今天会跟麦金老师一起上课…
How about we continue with the class. I’m gonna teach with Ms. Malkin today–
请别丢下我们 萨莉娜丝老师！
Please don’t leave us, Mrs. Salinas! -Oh.
下去！马上下去！
Agh! Down! Now! Down!
不许拥抱！坐好！
No hug! Sit!
在课堂上 要坐直 专心听讲 我们要怎样？你回答！
In class, we sit up straight, pay attention, and we are what? You!
什么？我的天！保持安静？
What? Oh, my God. Um, we’re quiet?
你认真听讲 萝根 奖励你一颗爱心
That’s very good listening, Logan. That’s a heart for you.
用心听讲的孩子会获得爱心奖励 这样可以激励良好的…
The hearts are for when the kids listen. To motivate good–
专心听讲是分内之事
Listening is not a favor.
专心听讲能获得知识 不是奖励！
When you listen, you get knowledge, not a carnival prize.
事实上 我们有机会去魔…
We have a chance to go to Magic–
真恶心 那是什么？
Ew. What was that?
花生酱火腿三明治 我老爸睡过头了
Peanut butter and ham. My dad overslept.
好 没时间了 祝萨莉娜丝老师一切安好 再见
Okay, well, we’re out of time, so let’s wish Mrs. Salinas well. Bye-bye.
可是我…这个班… -不 我知道 走吧
But, I– The class is– -No, no. I know. Out we go.
祝你生宝宝顺利 -好了 同学们 再见…
Better luck with your own kid. -Okay, guys, see you in–
继续上课 今天是周五 也就是说 一名同学将带一只班级宠物回家
Moving on. It’s Friday. That means one student has to take home a class pet.
什么情况？ -我们没有这条规定
What’s this now? -Uh, we don’t do that here.
别又来这套！不要！
Not anymore. No way.
在我的课上 你们要学会责任担当
In my classroom, you will learn responsibility.
你们要好好喂宠物 让它健健康康地
You will feed it properly and return it in healthy condition.
活着回来
Alive.
有人自愿带宠物回家吗？
Do we have a volunteer?
拜托 谁举个手 -什么？
Come on. Somebody raise your hand. -What?
记得在小孩子家会发生什么事吗？要么忘记喂食 要么虐待你
Remember what happens at the kids’ houses? They forget to feed you or abuse you.
会长回来的
It’ll grow back.
天哪 -在1990年代很酷的
Yeesh. -Hey, it looked cool in the ’90s.
我在等着呢 谁自愿带宠物回家？
I’m waiting. Volunteer, please.
你不明白吗？这是我的机会
Don’t you get it? This is my shot.
我跟一位小孩回家 找到家里没关的窗户
So I go with one of these kids, case the house for open windows,
没人的时候 我就火速逃走！
then when I’m alone, zip! I escape.
你20来岁的时候都跑不动 我要火速逃走 然后享受真正的人生
Ha. You couldn’t zip when you were 20. -I’m zipping. And then I really live.
或许去爬爬树 去下水道游泳 去看看大沼泽地
Maybe climb a tree. Swim in a sewer. See the Everglades.
大沼泽地？那种地方有野兽 你疯了吗？
The Everglades? With those untamed animals? Are you nuts?
它们连名字都没有 对吧？ 那里乱糟糟的
You know they don’t even have names, right? It’s anarchy.
你这种懒虫去那里能活吗？
You think a rock potato like you can survive there?
你会躲在啤酒罐里度过余生 -快点
Your last days will be in a beer can. Let’s go.
谁要做个有担当的人？
Who’s gonna take on some responsibility?
非要我点名吗？没有人愿意的话 那我来