雷蒙·斯尼奇的不幸历险（2004）

剧终
The end.”
我多么希望我能写下这些话
These are the words I desperately wish I could type.
我多么希望可以说 故事到此结束
Oh, I would give anything to say that the story ends here.
可惜啊 我的任务可不是凭空编造一个
But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings
好结局 而是如实写下发生波德莱尔家
where they do not occur but to report the actual events
孩子身上的悲惨事件
in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children.
即使再不心甘情愿
And as much as it pains me,
我也得说 他们的麻烦才刚刚开始
I must confess that their troubles had only just begun.
不幸的大门随着两声悦耳的门铃开启
And it did so with two musical notes.
你们好
Hello.
我要找蒙哥马利 蒙哥马利博士
I am looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.
我叫斯蒂法诺 是意大利人
I am Stephano. I am an Italian man,
我来这是为了协助博士做研究
and I am here to assist him in his research as best I can.
也是为了观察学习
As well as to facilitate and remain observatory.
你是奥拉夫伯爵
You’re Count Olaf.
你们为什么要这么说
Now, why would you say something like that?
我从来不认识什么奥拉夫
I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf,
但是假如我认识他
but if I had,
我相信 他的长相和声音也跟我完全不同
I’m sure he would look and sound completely different.
你就是奥拉夫 我们不会让你进来的
You’re Olaf, and we’re not letting you in.
我想你们得重新考虑这个提议了
Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis.
所以 你们绝不应该拿着这个到处乱跑
Anyway, that’s why you should never run with one of these, kids.
说得太好了 斯蒂法诺先生
Words of wisdom indeed, Mr. Stephano.
被你抓到我在多管闲事了
Oops, you caught me being a mentor.
我得感谢您这么快就赶来了
And bless you for coming at such short notice.
不谢 不谢
Not at all, not at all.
我的首席助理古斯塔夫
My chief assistant, Gustav,
不到一个小时前打电♥话♥说他病了
took sick and phoned not one hour ago.
他真的非常想过来帮您
He’d give anything to be here right now.
但是谢天谢地有您来帮我
Thank goodness you were available.
恕我冒昧 在下对您的敬仰如滔滔江水
Well, I am a fan, if I may gush.
您的研究成果深刻地影响了
Your work has profoundly influenced my research
我在蒙特里水族馆
up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. . .
对于水蛇的研究
. . .on the sea snake.
水蛇是一种情绪反复无常的动物
It’s a very volatile animal.
也许我们应该
Perhaps we should…
我被咬过四万三千七百多次
I’ve been bitten 43. . . 700 times.
大多数咬在脸上
Mostly on the face.
我的大半边脸都整过型了
A lot of this has been reconstructed.
我觉得修复的棒极了
But I think they did one heck of a job,
就是我的胡子稍有点歪斜
even though my mustache is a tad askew.
请问能不能让孩子们帮我拿一下行李
I wonder if I could get the kids to help me in with my bags.
我的左半边身子不太听使唤
My left side is somewhat neurologically challenged.
-当然可以 孩子们 -蒙蒂叔叔
– But of course. Children… – Uncle Monty–
去吧 对客人要有礼貌
Please. Let us not be rude to our guest.
快去吧
Now, go on.
他打什么鬼主意
What’s he up to?
我不知道
I don’t know.
一个臭名昭著的大坏蛋不请自来
There is no good moment, of course,
肯定没有什么好事
for a notorious villain to arrive.
但是奥拉夫到来的时机
But the timing of Olaf’s reappearance,
恰好是蒙哥马利博士
just when Dr.
要吐露他的秘密的时候
Montgomery’s secret could be revealed to the children,
克劳斯几乎忍♥不住了
was almost more than Klaus could bear.
维奥莱特 听我说
Violet, listen to me.
蒙蒂的望远镜
Monty’s spyglass.
我在爸爸的书桌里见过一个一模一样的
I saw the exact same one in Dad’s desk.
-克劳斯 那只是个巧合 -不 维奥莱特
– Klaus, it’s just a coincidence. – Violet, no.
根本不存在巧合
Everything happens for a reason.
那两个孩子
Now, the children will be
也会去秘鲁大力协助我们的研究
helping us extensively with the research in Peru.
你曾经接触过小孩吗
Do you have experience with children?
小孩对我来说是非常陌生的
Children are strange and foreign to me.
我从小就很早熟
I never really was one.
但是我知道他们是生态系统中重要的一环
I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.
他绝不会让我们有机会跟蒙蒂独处
He’s never gonna let us alone with Monty.
我们得把消息传给蒙蒂
We’ve gotta get a message to him.
交给我吧
Leave that to me.
当时我在喂一只海鳝
I was feeding the moray,
所以我挺得意的
and of course, I got cocky.
就这样 就那一次
And that’s all it takes. That’s all it takes, is one time.
就一次
Just once.
我的嘴里嚼着腌鱼干 然后我就喂给它
I had the kipper in my mouth, and I offered it.
当时有一帮国家地理杂♥志♥的记者在场
And there was a team from National Geographic that were there.
他们把整个过程都录下来了
They were filming the whole thing.
很多人不太了解海鳝
And, well, a lot of people don’t know this about the moray,
一般人觉得
but you think, you know,
海鳝不可能是一种力气很大的动物
”This can’t be a tremendously strong animal.”
我知道 这东西劲儿其实不小
I mean, sure, it has a certain amount of strength,
但是谁能想到它能把人拽到海底洞穴里
but how does it pull a man’s face into a cave?
所以 长话短说
Anyway, long story short,
深海潜水员因浮出水面太快而感到关节剧痛 呼吸困难的症状
我得了潜涵病 又做了脸部修复手术
the bends, a reconstructive surgery. . .
没错 在我看来 秘鲁是个好地方
But yes, from my understanding, Peru is a wonderful place.
海滩啊 热情好客的人啊
The beaches. The people.
骗子
宽松的监护♥法♥
The relaxed guardianship laws.
宽松的监护♥法♥
Relaxed guardianship laws?
我这么说了吗
Did I say that?
都怪该死的神经毒素
Darn neurotoxins.
斯蒂法诺 你可真会讲故事啊
Oh, Stephano, you have a wonderful gift for storytelling.
-是不是 孩子们 -是啊
– Doesn’t he, children? – Oh, yeah.
您能帮我取一下牵牛花的毒液吗
I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind milking Petunia for me.
milk双关：挤奶/抽取毒液
牵牛花 挤奶 这个我
Petunia. Well, the milking. . . Now, see, what I was…
我能不能
Could I just. . .?
当然可以 我试一试
Yeah, sure. I’ll take a shot at that.
以前在挤奶室
Now, they used to call me
出自儿歌♥”Old MacDonald has a farm”
《麦当劳大叔有个农场》
他们管我叫麦当劳大叔
Old MacDonald up at the milking lab there,
因为我经常整天给这些东西挤奶
because I’d milk these things all day long.
不过它们的小乳♥房♥♥可不好找
But the little udders are hard to locate.
这样 你先拿着它
Anyway, why don’t you take that
你们先好好玩
and go ahead and start the party without me, and then. . .
我不确定带没带挤奶装置
I’m not sure I brought my milking gear.
我去散散步
I’ll take a gander.
他还在偷看吗
Is he still watching?
是
Yes.
别看我 假装你在跟克劳斯讲话
Don’t look at me. Pretend you’re talking to Klaus.
好的
Okay.
我收到消息了 别担心 我知道
I got your message. Don’t worry. I know.
-真的吗 -对
– You do? – Yes.
海鳝才不会吃腌鱼干呢 太咸了
A moray eel would never eat kippers. Far too salty.
你们注意到他是怎么盯着
And did you see the way he kept glancing into my satchel,
我装外国毒蛇毒液的小包的吗
where I keep the exotic snake venoms?
你们判断的很正确 斯蒂法诺是个骗子
You children were right. Stephano is an imposter.
没错
Yes.
他是爬行动物学协会派来的探子
He’s a spy from the Herpetological Society.
他是来偷那条致命毒蛇的
He’s here to steal the Incredibly Deadly Viper.
-不 -不是 蒙蒂叔叔
– No. – No. Uncle Monty…
我散完步了 现在非常期待给蛇挤奶
Darn. All finished. I was so looking forward to the milking.
你们是不是应该上♥床♥睡觉了
Isn’t it about time you kids went to bed?
完全正确 明天还要早起 孩子们
Absolutely. Early start tomorrow, children.
去睡觉吧
Off you go.
晚安
Good night.
告诉你们件事儿 好让你们睡个踏实
Oh, and if you kids should get restless during the night,
我就睡在走廊里 而且我睡觉很轻
I’m right down the hall, and I’m a very light sleeper.
实际上 我几乎不睡觉
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.
你们有通行证吗
Do you have a hall pass?
我看没有
I didn’t think so.
牵牛花 我会想你的
Oh, Petunia, I’m going to miss you.
你真是个好姑娘 对吗