海扁王（2010）

They trashed my place. I’m fucking screwed,
-下一个就轮到你了 明白吗 -好吧
– And you’re next, okay! – All right. What?
真该死
Shit.
我们怎么办
What do we do?
记得你说过还有别的超级英雄吗
Remember you mentioned that there are other superheroes?
是啊
Yeah.
你觉得他们能帮我们吗
Well, do you think they can help us?
热巧克力 附送棉花糖
Hot chocolate… extra marshmallows.
天 实物看着比图片里更酷
Man, that looks even cooler than it did in the picture.
宝贝儿 那是因为图片上没有加特林机♥枪♥
Child, you know that’s because in the picture it didn’t have Gatling Guns.
漂亮 我去床上喝 好吗
Nice job. I’m gonna take mine to bed, okay?
好吧 宝贝儿 好梦
Okay, baby doll. Sleep tight.
谢谢
Thanks.
-是海扁王吗 -对呢
– Oh, Kick-Ass? – Mmm-hmm.
度假中
你去换装 我通知他在B号♥安全屋碰头
You go get dressed. I’ll tell him to meet us at safe house ‘b’.
我们回来再喝热巧克力
We’ll have our hot chocolate when we get back.
-好 老爸 -快去吧
– Okay, daddy. – Come on.
来了
There you go.
-你知道在哪儿吗 -不知道 用导航系统就行
– Do you know where that is? – No, but I’ll put it in the gps.
好了 出发
Right, let’s go.
真该死
Shit.
到了
Okay, okay, okay.
你来了 还有红旋风 两位
Well. Here you are and… Red Mist. Two.
-见到你们我很荣幸 -我也是 先生
– Pleasure to meet you. – Good to meet you, sir.
进来吧
Please, come in.
你先请
After you.
超杀女 打个招呼 亲爱的
Hit girl. Manners, honey.
嗨 我是超杀女
Hi, I’m hit girl.
不
No!
你♥他♥妈♥归我了
Your ass is mine!
他和我一起的 别抓他
He’s with me, he’s okay.
算了吧 小子 你老爸说了算 你回家去
Shut the fuck up kid. Your daddy’s the boss. You go home.
你♥他♥妈♥说什么
Are you shitting me?
别抓他 他和我一起的 放了他
He’s fine. He’s with me! Let him go!
快他妈离开这鬼地方
Get outta here! Get the fuck out of here.
我靠 我梦寐以求的玩意啊
Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.
-你真要拿走这个吗 -当然了 亲爱的
– Are you seriously gonna take that? – Yes. Come on, sweet cheeks.
你要是不快点给我上车 大英雄
If you don’t get your wannabe superhero ass in the car…
你可就有麻烦了
…you’re gonna have a lot of trouble on your hands.
搞笑 我要叫老爸炒了你
That’s really funny. You’re so fired.
海扁王
Kick-Ass…
把他带走 把他弄进货车
Get him outta here, get him outta here. Get him in the van.
海扁王 我很抱歉
Kick-Ass, I’m sorry, I…
快进去
Get in the car. Get in there.
你得炒了这混♥蛋♥
You better fire this asshole.
无视他
Ignore him…
这不是火箭筒吗
A bazooka?
好吧
Okay.
我们不是说好了吗 老爸 我把你要的人给你弄来
We had a fucking deal, dad, that I’ll get you the guy who did it…
你就放过海扁王 他什么都没做
…and all I’m asking is you let Kick-Ass go. He didn’t do anything wrong.
克里斯 你得替我考虑考虑
Chris, you gotta look at this from my point of view. Okay?
我得告诉外面的人
I gotta send a public service message to the people out there…
他妈的当超级英雄不好玩儿
…that being a superhero is bad for your health.
而那个大个子混账
And the big motherfucker…
没人知道他是谁
…nobody knows who he is.
-这不公平 -人生本来就不公平 习惯就好
– That’s not fair. – Life’s not fair, get over it.
你想把他们怎么样
What are you gonna do to them?
你真想参与进来吗
You really wanna be a part of my business?
是的
Yeah.
那就闭上嘴 坐下看
Then sit down, shut up and watch.
弗兰克 我准备好了 好好欣赏吧
Frank, we’re ready. Enjoy the show.
-你这都能控制吗 -当然
– Are you controlling this thing? – I sure am.
老大哥的把戏 学着点[出自《1984》]
Big brother, watch and learn.
欢迎回到[大事件]
Welcome back. Breaking news,
我们即将为您播出一段视屏
A worldwide web broadcast of the new york superhero
自称为海扁王的纽约英雄的现场直播
Who calls himself Kick-Ass is about to be shown live.
流言称这将是他的告别声明
Rumours have it this will be his farewell appearance…
他要公开表示 自己将不再打击罪恶
…that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting…
据网络供应商预测
…but as word of mouth spreads internet providers are predicting that…
这将是有史以来观看率最高的一段视频
…it could be one of the most widely viewed live events in web history.
戴夫呢
Where’s Dave?
没有任何迹象表明这段视频的真实内容
There are no clues as yet as to the exact nature of the broadcast…
见鬼 你们都没注意到吗
Holy shit, have you guys noticed…
这还用说 他和凯蒂在一起
He’s with Katie, obviously.
不然我怎么会在这儿
Why else would I be here?
虽然不知道视频背后的真♥相♥
There’s no idea who is behind the broadcast of this show…
但网络服务器已经爆棚
…but we could see widespread server crashes…
戴夫 你为什么没告诉我
Dave, why didn’t you tell me this is what you were doing?
你上新闻了 打给我
You’re on the news. Call me.
让我们进入直播倒计时
We go live to the countdown clock as we are moments away.
好戏开演了
Showtime.
女士们先生们 大家好
Hello, boys and girls. Now this…
这位大家都认识了
…well, you know who this guy is.
而这位是大老爸
And this guy here is Big Daddy.
这些是我的朋友 伙计们 来打个招呼
And these are my friends. Come on in, guys, say hello.
没错 这就对了
Yeah. Yeah, there they are. Hello, hello.
现在 大老爸和海扁王会帮助我们
Now, big daddy and Kick-Ass are gonna help us…
告诉大家 做超级英雄可不是什么好主意
…show you why being a hero is a bad idea.
你知道什是K字不发音吗
You know what a silent ‘K’ is?
就是单词由字母K打头
That’s when ‘k’ is at the beginning
但K却不发音
Of the word but you don’t pronounce it…
比如这个词 指节铜套 让他们看看 伙计
…like in the word ‘knuckle-duster’. Show them what it can do, guy.
那肯定很痛 再从那边打一拳
That must’ve hurt. Let’s see it from the other side.
我想大家都看到了 法语里的棍子
I think it did. Now in France they say the word “stick” like this.
其实是指指挥棒
Baton.
我们就给海扁王来上一棍 来吧
We got some of Kick-Ass’s batons. We’re gonna show you what they can do.
来吧 伙计们
Go ahead, boys.
但在美国 我们提到棍子 都想到棒球棍
You know, in america we say “stick” like this. Baseball bat.
这玩意打起肚子和膝盖来可是相当好用
Which is very good for hitting knees and stomachs.
打蛋蛋也一样好用哟
It’s also good for hitting balls.
一个个来太麻烦了
We don’t do them individually…
一起上吧
…we do them all together.
来吧 先生们
Gentlemen, please.
看起来真痛苦
Oh, this looks very painful.
由于画面内容过于暴♥力♥
Due to the distressing nature of the images…
我们无法再继续直播这段网络视频
…we are unable to broadcast the events streaming live on the internet.
我♥操♥
Fuck.
不不不
No, no…
虽然早期猜测这是恶作剧或是作秀
Despite initial speculation that this may be some kind of hoax…
但显然现在人♥质♥处于真正的危险之中
…or publicity stunt, it is now clear the hostages are in genuine danger.
所有迹象表明 几分钟后
That all signs point to the intention to
将会上演一场现场处决
Stage a live execution in the next few minutes.
就算会丢尽面子
Even with my metal plates and my fucked-up nerve endings…
不得不说 真的痛死了
…I gotta tell you… that hurt.
煤油 杀人于无声
Kerosene. Yes, the silent killer.
但这些 远比不上要丢下那些人来的痛苦
But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind.
凯蒂
Katie.
我爸爸
My dad.
陶德和小马
Todd and Marty.
我还有很多事没做
And all the things I’d never do.
比如学开车
Like learn to drive.
和凯蒂结婚生子
Or see what me and Katie’s kids would look like.
-看”迷失”的大结局 -真刺♥激♥
– Or find out what happened on ‘Lost’. – Spicy, spicy.
你要是以为我肯定活下来了
And if you think I’m gonna make it
不然怎么现在和你讲故事呢
Through this since I’m talking to you now…
别自作聪明了
…quit being such a smartass.
见鬼 伙计 你没看过《罪恶都市》
Hell, dude, you never seen ‘Sin City’…
《日落大道》和《美国丽人》吗[主角都翘了]
…’Sunset Boulevard’, ‘American Beauty’?
而这个
And this…
你们这帮乡巴佬给我看好了
…for all you cavemen out there…