海扁王（2010）

宇宙守护神 保护我们远离邪恶
Guardian of the universe protecting us against the forces of evil.
他能徒手抓住子弹 拦住疾速的火车
He can catch a bullet. Halt a speeding train.
轻轻一跳就能飞跃高楼
And leap tall buildings in a single bound.
-在天上 -是鸟 还是飞机
– Up in the sky! – Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
白天只是一名邮差 晚上却化身超级英雄
A mailman by day. The city’s guardian by night.
保卫纽约市民免受邪恶滋扰
Defending the citizens of New York from the forces of evil.
一群超乎常人的英雄们
The world has been protected by a group of extraordinary men and women…
致力于与犯罪作斗争 保护这个世界
…who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime.
另一个世界的神秘来客
Mysterious traveller from another dimension.
他的力量远远超出了人类
He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings.
我总是奇怪 为什么在我之前没人尝试过
I always wondered why nobody did it before me.
想想看 在那些漫画 电影 电视剧里
I mean, all those comic books, movies, TVshows.
你以为只有真正怪癖宅人才会给自己做一身超人装
You’d think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume.
我是说 日常生活真这么激动人心吗
I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?
学校和公♥司♥生活真这么惊心动魄
Are schools and offices so thrilling…
以至于只有我才去幻想这些吗
…that I’m the only one who ever fantasized about this?
得了吧 坦白说
Come on, be honest with yourself.
每个人心中 都想成为一个超级英雄
At some point in our lives we all wanted to be a superhero.
顺便 这可不是我
That’s not me, by the way.
而是某个有精神病的亚美尼亚人
That’s some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems.
我是何人
Who am I?
我是”海扁王”
I’m Kick-Ass.
六个月前
这才是我 当时这些破事还没发生
That’s me… back before any of this crazy shit happened.
我大概是那种最不像超级英雄的人了
I guess I was the last person you’d expect to become a superhero.
不是说我有什么不正常
I’m not saying there was anything wrong with me…
而是再正常不过了
…but there’s nothing special, either.
-混球 -我体育不好
– Asshole! – I wasn’t into sports.
数学不好 也不擅长打游戏
I wasn’t a mathlete or a hard core gamer.
我身上没穿过环 也没厌食症
I didn’t have a piercing or an eating disorder,
MySpace上好友也不多
or 3000 friends on MySpace.
我唯一的超能力就是能让女生们忽视我
My only superpower was being invisible to girls.
就算在朋友里 我也不是最会搞笑的
And out of my friends, man, I wasn’t even the funny one.
和大多数我的同龄人一样 我再普通不过了
Like most people my age, I just existed.
同学们 早上好
Good morning, class.
请打开书本 翻到第二幕 第二场
Please open your books to act two, scene two.
要是你闯进我卧室 多半会发现我在看电视
Kick in my bedroom door and you’ll probably find me watching TV…
要不就是在Skype上跟我朋友陶德聊天
…or talking to my friend todd on skype.
-你看《恶搞之家》吗 -不看
– You watching ‘family guy’? – No.
我也不看 去看巨♥乳♥网 很赞的
Me neither. Turn on nippleslip. com. It’s good.
要不就是在打手♥枪♥ 通常是意淫我的英文老师
Or jerking off, mostly to my english teacher.
戴夫·莱泽斯基 别以为我没发现你盯着我的胸看
Dave Lizewski. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you looking at my tits.
来吧 戴夫 快来爱抚我吧
Oh, I want your hands all over me, Dave. Please.
当然 平凡无奇的学校日子
Sure, a lot of what got me through the average school day…
只有靠打打灰机来打发
…was making deposits in the whac koff warehouse for later.
但说实话 我的兴奋点比较低
Though, to be honest, it didn’t take much to set me off.
我发誓 一旦我的荷尔蒙恢复正常
I swear, when my hormones balance out…
就用不着耗费这么多纸巾了 伙计
…shares in kleenex are gonna take a dive, man.
戴夫·莱泽斯基 专心看你的《哈姆雷特》
Dave Lizewski. Shouldn’t you be looking at ‘Hamlet’ right now?
好的 赞恩女士
Yes, mrs Zane.
抱歉
Sorry.
别误会 我也喜欢同龄女生
But don’t get me wrong. I like girls my own age, too.
-特别是凯蒂·多玛 -你好 美人儿
– Especially Katie Deauxma. – Hey, gorgeous.
你好
Hey.
哦不
Oh… no.
你是指艾丽卡吧
You meant Erika.
我知道 我只是在开玩笑
I know. I knew that. I was just kidding.
好吧 不好笑
Okay, cool.
我的天
Oh my god.
看 这是陶德的老妈
Hey, look, I’m Todd’s mom.
真好笑 这是你老爸
That’s funny. This is your dad.
不 那还是我妈
No, that’s still my mom, actually.
我♥操♥
Oh, the fuck!
我只是个普通人
I was just a regular guy.
没被蜘蛛咬过 也不是流亡地球的外星人[蜘蛛侠和超人]
No radioactive spiders, no refugee status from a doomed alien world.
陶德说”巧古拉伯爵”[一种麦片]还没停产
You know what? Todd said they do still make count Chocula.
只是超♥市♥里不卖♥♥了而已
They just don’t sell it at the store any more.
我老妈得了动脉瘤 死在了厨房♥里
My mother was killed by an aneurism in the kitchen.
而不是在小巷子里被人枪杀[蝙蝠侠]
As opposed to a gunman in the alley.
所以要是你指望有以下的桥段
So if you were hoping for any…
我会为你报仇 母亲大人
I will avenge you, mother!
你会失望的
…you’re out of luck.
我妈去世十八个月之后
In the 18 months since my mother died…
我唯一的顿悟就是 生活还得继续
…the only epiphany I had was realising that life just goes on.
包装上的蜜蜂形象变了吗
Did they change the bee’s face?
没有
No.
怎么从来没人试着做个超级英雄
How come nobody’s ever tried to be a superhero?
我不知道 大概是因为根本不可能吧 笨蛋
Boy, I dunno. Probably because it’s fucking impossible, dipshit.
戴上面具 助人为乐 这有什么不可能
What, putting on a mask and helping people, how’s that impossible?
那又不算是超级英雄
That’s not superhero, though.
所谓超级 就要上天入地 比其他人都强
Super’s like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit.
你那最多只是英雄
That’s just hero.
不 连英雄都不算 只能算是疯子
No, it’s not even hero. It’s just fucking psycho.
那蝙蝠侠呢 他又没超能力
Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn’t have any powers.
对 但他有一身根本造不出来的牛逼装备
Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn’t exist.
你是问现实生活 现实生活中没有这套
I thought you meant how come nobody does it in real life?
没错 陶德 我就是这个意思
Yeah, Todd, that’s what I meant.
老兄 要是现实生活中真有人这么做 不被海扁才怪
Dude, if anybody did it in real life they’d get their ass kicked.
-估计撑不过一天就挂了 -没错
– They’d be dead in, like, a day. – A day.
好吧 我不是说要有人这么做
Yeah, okay, I’m not saying they should do it.
我只是很费解 为什么没人尝试
I just can’t figure out why nobody does.
说真的 有那么多人喜欢超级英雄
Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes,
难道就没人想去尝试吗
You’d think one would give it a try.
天啊 难道你们不困惑吗
Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?
为什么成千上万的人挖空心思
Why thousands of people wanna be Paris
想成为帕丽斯·希尔顿 却没人想当蜘蛛侠
Hilton and nobody wants to be spiderman?
对呀 为啥呢 她的胸那么小 跟没有一样
Yeah, what’s with that? She has, like, no tits at all.
估计是因为她的性♥爱♥自♥拍♥吧 蜘蛛侠没拍过
Maybe it’s a porn tape. He doesn’t have a porn tape.
你们难道没看过《与蜘蛛侠的一夜风流》[A片]
You guys never saw ‘One Night in Spiderman’?
猜猜谁来了
Oooh, guess who?
你们谁跟我一样 觉得克里斯·达米科很可怜
Is it me or do you kinda feel sorry for chris D’Amico?
老爸那么有钱 永远要啥有啥 真是糟透了
Must be terrible to have a rich dad and everything you want.
真希望你啥都没说
I wish you wouldn’t have said anything
我都要哭出来了
Cos I feel like I’m gonna start crying…
事实上 他总是独来独往
The fact that he’s always on his own.
我们应该跟他聊聊
We should, like, talk to him.
看看他愿不愿意跟我们一块玩
See if he wants to hang out with us.
我不是说就去搭个讪而已
Oh, I didn’t say we should talk to him, I just…
想想看 有他这样的朋友该多牛逼
Think about it. Come on, it’d be awesome.
看谁还敢来找我们的麻烦
If he was our friend, no one would ever fuck with us again.
那你去吧 陶德
Go on then, Todd.
-你想和他聊聊吗 -不不不
– You wanna go talk to him? – No, no, no. No.
为什么 你想和他聊 我可以让个位置
No, you wanna go talk to him? I can move.
-应该让戴夫去 -对 应该让戴夫去
– Dave, Dave should go. – Dave should go.
-为什么 -戴夫 是该让你去
– Why? – Dave, you should totally go.
-损友 -不要怕 戴夫
– You’re a dick. – Don’t be afraid, dave.
你们真怂
You’re a pussy.
滚开
Fuck off!
-你刚才是不是吓死了 -我都快尿裤子了
– Did you spray anything over there? – I think I might have shat my pants.
要是换了我 肯定海扁他一顿
If that guy spoke to me like that I would have kicked his ass.
算了吧 你什么时候跟人动过手
Todd, when have you ever kicked anyone’s ass?
不管怎样 我可以偷袭他膝盖
Whatever, man. I would have just gone for his knees.
你说得没道理
Well, you’re not making sense.
我是说蝙蝠镖的强大威力
Well, what I’m saying is the superior force of batman’s batarang
肯定能穿透小丑的动力场
would undoubtedly penetrate the joker’s force field,
这样他就完全无力抵抗…
Leaving him totally vulnerable to the…
-好吧 但是… -那俩娘娘腔又来了
– All right, and then… but, you know… – Whoa, whoa, whoa pussy patrol.
手♥机♥ 钱 交出来
Phones. Money.
不是吧 大哥 又来
Dude, not again, come on.
还有手♥机♥
Phone.
我没手♥机♥ 上星期被人抢了