保持缄默（2005）

「我只喝过水，警官」 警♥察♥看了看酒瓶说：
“Just water, Officer.” And the policeman looks over to the bottle and says:
「嗯，我看这像酒」
“Well, that looks like wine to me.”
牧师叫道：「酒！ 仁慈的主啊，他又把水变成了酒」
“Wine!” cries the Vicar, “Good Lord, he’s done it again.”
– 真好笑 – 嗯，确实很好笑，对吧？
That’s funny. – Yes, that is quite funny, isn’t it?
妈妈！妈妈！
Mummy! Mummy!
Billy Martin 想来打我 可是 Grace 在，然后我说了「西兰花」
Billy Martin came after me, but Grace was there and I said “Broccoli”,
– 结果他死了， Billy Martin 死了！ – 噢天哪！
and now he’s dead. Billy Martin’s dead! – Oh my!
– 你一直在忙吗？ – Grant
Aren’t you a busy bee? – Grace, this is Grant.
啊…要过万圣节了？
Ah… Is it Halloween?
– 笑话， Grace ，我找了很多笑话！ – 哦，干得好
Jokes, Grace. Have lots of them! – Oh, well done, you.
– … 这样很好吧？ – Billy Martin 死了！
Oh… isn’t this nice? (Petey) Billy Martin is dead!
我们可以谈谈吗？ Billy Martin 死了？
Could we have a word? Billy Martin is dead?
哦，天哪，没有，他没死 要我说的话，他只是昏过去了
Oh good Lord, no. No, he’s not dead, he was just unconscious, if I may judge.
不过请你不要和 Petey 说 因为他实在是太激动了
But, please, don’t tell Petey, because he’s so excited.
– Grace ，你过来看看这馅饼好吗？ – 当然好啦，亲爱的
Grace, can you come and look at the pie? – Of course, dear.
– 妈的好事让我搅黄了 – 她不该说这种粗话
I fucked up big time. – She shouldn’t use that language.
让我想想清楚 我儿子把他的冤家除掉了
Let me get this straight. My son’s rid of his bullies.
我丈夫成了滑稽演员
My husband has become a comedian.
我那色情狂女儿突然想起学做饭了
And my nymphomaniac daughter has discovered cookery.
这到底是怎麽了？
What’s going on?
哦，真对不起！
Oh, I’m so sorry!
– 真对不起，我把你吵醒了吗？ – 不，没有
I’m so sorry. Did I wake you? – No, not at all.
– 我是不是打搅到你和 Walter 了？ – 可能吧，不过是好事
Did I disturb you and Walter? – Chance, be a fine thing.
– 晚安 – 晚安
Good night. – Good night. You know,
要知道，男人有时会走错路
men do sometimes lose their way, dear.
我是说， Walter 是个很温柔的人 只不过他…
I mean, Walter is sweet soul, but he’s a bit…
和其他人一样，有点迟钝
slow-witted like the rest of them.
我相信他到头来还是会回到你身边的
I’m sure he’ll find his way back to you in the end.
– 这麽说你也结过婚？ – 结过，很久以前的事了
So you were married, too? – Yes, I was. A long time ago.
– 那他有没有走错路？ – 是被另一个女人稍微推了一把
Did he lose his way? – With a little help from another woman.
– 哦 – 他的魂儿完全被她勾去了
Oh. – Completely lost his head over her.
能耽误你一会儿吗？
Do you have a couple of minutes?
坐下吧，我有些东西要给你看
You sit down. I’ve got something to show you.
哦，在这儿
Oh, here it is.
瞧，这是我六岁的时候
Look, that’s me when I was six.
– 好可爱 – 我那时很好动的
So sweet. – I was a live one.
是吗？
Was?
这张是他，这就是他
Here he is. That’s him.
他叫什麽名字？
What was his name?
亚瑟
Arthur.
他很帅
He’s very dapper.
我见到帅哥就成了傻子 我那时年轻啊，很年轻
I was a fool for a handsome fellow. I was young. I was very young.
太年轻了
Too young.
后来他出轨了
And then he dabbled.
就是这张
And that was that.
Walter 如今只会和上帝出轨
Walter only dabbles with God nowadays.
那样的话他会回到你身边的
In that case he’ll come back to you.
上帝绝不会和这样年轻美丽的女人过不去
God would never stand in the way of such a beautiful young woman.
你会回到我身边吗？
Will you find your way back to me?
会吗？
Could you?
Clarence ，是你吗？
Clarence, is that you?
Clarence ？
Clarence?
上帝啊！ Clarence ！
Oh my God! Clarence!
上帝啊！
God!
– 你说他找到那条该死的狗了吗？ – 哦， Brown 先生去度假了
Do you think he found that bloody dog yet? – Oh, Mr Brown is on holiday.
是吗？他去哪儿了？
Is he? Where has he gone?
– 我记得他说是去下地国（俗语中指澳大利亚） – 哦
I think, he said Down Under. – Oh.
嘿
Hey.
嗯…
So…
我每天晚上都在想
I have been up every night thinking.
假如我们这辈子只能有一次机会 活得快乐， Gloria
If we only get one chance for happiness in our entire lives, Gloria,
那麽每个人都应该在死前找到它
that nobody should ever die without having found it.
– 我不是一个人 – 啊？
I’m not alone. – Huh?
我不是一个人来的
I’m not alone.
哦
Oh.
我跟我朋友说好了
So, I talked to my guy,
墨西哥之行就要成了
and Mexico is on.
– 约好在明天 – 什麽？
I got a date tomorrow. – What?
我跟你说过，我行动很快…
I told you, when I move fast…
– 哦，那可太快了，改天吧 – 不行，票已经订好了
Oh, that’s too fast, change it. – I can’t, the ticket’s are booked.
– 把票换了 – 宝贝，已经订好了
Change the tickets. – Honey, they’re booked.
不能换吗？
You can’t change them?
Gloria ，这可是我们一直梦想的呀
Gloria, this is everything we’ve been dreaming of.
– 那旅馆呢？ – 旅馆好得没话说
And the hotel? – Hotel’s perfect. On the beach, like you said?
像你说的那样，在海滩上？
– 没错！离大海只有几步路，一会儿就到 – 最好的旅馆都在海滩上， Lance
Yes! I mean, walking distance, seconds. – The best hotels are on the beach, Lance.
Gloria ，这可比旅馆强多了
Gloria, this is so much better than a hotel.
– 我的妈呀，是分时度假村 – 来了
For fuck’s sake, it’s a time share. – Here we are.
哦， Grace ！ Grace ，这是 Lance 我的高尔夫球老师
Oh, Grace! Grace, this is Lance, my golf instructor.
– Lance ，这是 Grace ，我们家的管家 – 认识你很高兴， Grace
Lance, that is Grace, our housekeeper. – It is very nice to meet you, Grace.
– Gloria 跟我谈起过你 – 你是美国人
Gloria has told me all about you. – You’re American.
– 对 – 一眼就能看出来，对吧？
Yes. – That obvious, huh?
– 哦，你们聊，别在意我 – 对不起
Well, please don’t let me interrupt you. – Oh, sorry.
我们刚才在谈下次的课程
We just talked about our next session,
下一次高尔夫练习课 对吧， Lance ？
our next practise session of golf. Weren’t we, Lance?
– 对，练习课 – 这事以后再说也行，对吗？
Right, practise session. – We can talk about it later, can’t we?
嗯，说实话… 我想现在就知道
Well, actually… I kind of need to know now.
– 就不能再等等吗？ – 都已经定好了
It can’t wait? – It’s all confirmed.
– 我还有些担心 – 担心…什麽？
Well, I have concerns. – What… kind of concerns?
我只是想确保我们有 正确的器材…正确的工具
I just want to make sure we have the right equipment… the right kit.
我不能肯定我们是不是有正确的木头
I’m not sure we have the right wood.
嘿，和你商量的可是我
Hey, you are talking to me.
木头的事你不用担心
You do not have to worry yourself about wood.
好还是不好， Gloria ？
Yes or no, Gloria?
好吧
Alright.
那就好
Okay. Good.
认识你很高兴， Lance
It was nice to meet you, Lance.
认识你我也很高兴， Grace
It’s a pleasure to meet you, too, Grace.
那就5点钟左右？就在那地方？
About 5 o’clock? The place?
– 老地方？ – 好
The usual place? – Okay.
好的，女士们，祝你们中饭吃得好
Okay, well, you ladies, have a lovely lunch.
他挥杆的动作可漂亮了
He’s got a marvellous swing.
是吗？
Has he?
我2000年前去过 遇到了一个漂亮的犹太姑娘
I visit 2000 years ago, I met this nice Jewish girl,
结果他们到现在还在谈这事 哈哈哈…
and they’re still talking about it. Ha, ha, ha…
虽说是个笑话，却说出了事实：
But joking aside, it’s true:
2000年过后，我们仍然在谈论此事
2000 years later, and we are still talking about it,
那是因为这是值得谈的事
and that’s because it’s something worth talking about.
哦， Grace
Oh, Grace.
加了这些笑话以后，我的演讲生动多了
With these jokes, things come alive.
– 确实有效 – 太好了
They really do. – Excellent.
– 你做得非常好，牧师 – 谢谢
You’re doing very well, Vicar. – Thank you.
那麽，你有没有考虑过性？
Now, have you thought about sex?
啊…
Ah…
– 性？ – 对
Sex? – Yes.
– 关于习俗还是… – 圣经裡全是关于性的内容
For the convention or… – The bible is full of sex.
– 你没发现吗？ – 圣经？
Haven’t you noticed? – The bible?
比如说，雅歌♥
The song of Solomon, for example.
啊，不，那是献身于上帝的人…
Ah, no, that is the passionate declaration of love…
– 表达对上帝之爱的热情宣言 – 不对！
from a devoted man to God. – No!
它说的是性
It’s about sex.
好吧
Right.
来，再读一读，牧师
Here, read it again, Reverend.
我去给你泡杯茶
I’ll make you a cup of tea.
愿他用口与我亲嘴
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:
因你的爱情比酒更美
For thy love is better than wine.
…尝他果子的滋味，觉得甘甜
His fruit was sweet to my taste.
他的左手在我头下
His left hand is under my head,
他的右手将我抱住
and his right hand doth embrace me.
我的佳偶
Behold,
你甚美丽