朱诺

十六岁
Sixteen.
我想大概有
I’m gonna say it’s been about,
两个月零四天吧
two months and four days since the sex.
只是大概估计的
Mind you, that’s just, like, a guesstimation.
对不起 我什么多久了
Sorry, how long have I been what?
我很讨厌大人们用性行为这个词
Ugh, I hate it when adults use the term “Sexually active.”
这到底什么意思
What does it even mean?
哪天我就不能行为了吗
That I, like, deactivate someday?
还是说它就是一种持久的状态
Or is this some sort of permanent state of being?
我猜布里克那晚应该很兴奋
I guess Bleeker went live that night we did it, I guess,
否则他脸上不会出现那种表情
and that’s why he got that look on his face.
那个章鱼炉子燃起来可不得了
Should’ve seen this octopus furnace at work.
我得穿上我的防化服才能进去
I had to get on my Hazmat suit just to get into the thing.
我爸爸以前是当兵的
My dad used to be in the army,
但现在就是一个普通的暖通空调技术人员
but now he’s just your average H-VAC specialist.
他跟我妈大概在我五岁时就离婚了
He and my mom got divorced when I was, like, five,
而她和她的新丈夫还有三个继子
and she lives on a Havasu reservation in Arizona
住在亚利桑利州的哈瓦苏印第安人保留区
with her new husband and three replacement kids.
她每年情人节的时候
Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus
都很莫名其妙地寄仙人掌给我
every Valentine’s Day.
我真想对她说 我很感谢你
And I’m like, “Thanks a heap, coyote ugly.
有仙人掌在 想起你抛弃我 也不那么痛心了
This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment.”
这是我的继母 布伦达
That’s my stepmom, Bren.
她非常迷恋狗
She’s completely obsessed with dogs,
开了一家美甲沙龙
owns a nail salon
身上总是一股指甲油的味道
and always smells like methyl methacrylate.
朱诺 你昨晚干什么去了
So, Juno, how was your little maneuver last night?
你指哪件事
Which maneuver, sir?
是指我把别人家草坪上的所有家具
The one where I move an entire living room set
搬到另一个草坪上
from one lawn to the other,
还是指我十分钟内
or the one where I downed
一口气喝下6♥4♥盎司蓝彩沙冰
a 6♥4♥-ounce blue Slushee in ten minutes.
朱诺
Juno,
你是不是在我的瓮里吐了
did you by any chance barf in my urn?
麦克 你知道放在前门那个漂亮的瓮吗
Mac, you know that nice urn by the front door,
就是我在斯蒂尔沃特买♥♥的那个
the one I got up in Stillwater?
今天早上我发现
There was some blue shit,
有一些蓝色的
I mean, gunk,
糊状物在里面
stuff in there this morning.
布伦达 我不可能在你的瓮里吐的
I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.
可能是小利她吐的
I mean, maybe LB did it.
利伯蒂·贝尔[独♥立♥钟]Liberty Bell,
再敢把熏肉粒放在土豆上
if you put one more Bacon on that potato,
我就要打你的小屁♥股♥了
I’m gonna kick your little monkey butt.
每个婴儿都想来到世上
All babies want to get borned.
每个婴儿
All babies
都想来到世上
want to get borned.
每个婴儿都想来到世上
All babies want to get borned.
堕胎行为无异于谋杀
每个
All…
苏琴
Hey, Su-Chin.
朱诺
Oh. Hi, Juno.
最近怎么样
How are you?
挺好的
You know, pretty solid.
对了 沃思那门课的论文
So, did you… did you write that paper
你写了吗
for Worth’s class yet?
还没有
No, not yet.
我昨晚打算写的
I tried to work on it a little last night,
但是我没法集中注意力
but I’m having trouble concentrating.
我可以卖♥♥你一点阿得拉
Oh, well, I’ll sell you some of my Adderall, if you…
不用了 谢谢
No, thanks.
我不吃药
I’m off pills.
真是明智
It’s a wise choice.
我认识一个女孩
‘Cause I knew this girl,
她同时吃很多控制行为的药
she had this, like, crazy freak-out
变得疯疯癫癫的
’cause she took too many behavioral meds at once.
她把衣服扯掉
And she just, like, ripped off her clothes
跳进里奇代尔商场前的喷泉里
and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale mall,
大声喊道 布莱船长 我是海妖
and was like, “Bligh, I’m a kraken from the sea!”
我听说那就是你
I heard that was you.
很高兴见到你 苏琴
Well, it’s good seeing you, Su-Chin.
你的孩子可能已经有心跳了
Your baby probably has a beating heart, you know.
他会痛的
It can feel pain.
可能已经长出指甲了
And it has fingernails!
指甲 你说真的
Fingernails? Really?
欢迎来到女子医院 我们值得您信赖
Welcome to Women Now, where women are trusted friends.
请把手放到我看得到的地方
Please put your hands where I can see them
把炸♥弹♥交出来
and surrender any bombs.
我来是有要紧事的
Hey, I’m here for the big show.
叫什么名字
Your name, please?
朱诺·麦高夫
Juno MacGuff.
她以为我用的是假名
She thinks I’m using a fake name,
就跟吉恩·西蒙斯
like Gene Simmons
或特蕾莎修女一样
or Mother Teresa.
填一下这个表格 两面都要填
I need you to fill these out, both sides,
千万别填漏
and don’t skip the hairy details.
我们要知道每一个细节
We need to know about every score and every sore.
要免费的避孕套吗
Would you like a free condom?
草莓味的
They’re boysenberry.
不用了 我现在用不到了
No, I’m… I’m off sex right now.
我男朋友每次都用这种
My boyfriend uses them every time we have intercourse.
让他的小♥弟♥弟♥
They make his junk
闻起来像个派
smell like pie.
每个婴儿都想来到世上
All babies want to get borned.
每个婴儿都想…
All babies want to…
上帝会感激你这样做的
God appreciates your miracle!
你在这做什么
Dude, what are you doing here?
不是说我四点去接你吗
I’m supposed to come get you at 4:00.
我做不到 莉亚
Couldn’t do it, Leah.
闻着像牙医诊所
It smelled like a dentist’s office in there.
全是些让水泡过的
And there were these horrible magazines
乱七八糟的杂♥志♥
with water stains.
那个该死的前台
And then the friggin’ receptionist
还劝我拿些
is trying to get me to
跟提子棒棒糖一样的避孕套
take these condoms that look like grape suckers.
还跟我瞎扯
And just babbling away
说她男朋友的那个像派一样
about her friggin’ boyfriend’s pie balls.
是吗
Ooh, yum.
而且苏琴在那里
Oh, and then Su-Chin was there. Yeah.
她跟我说 你的孩子都长指甲了
And she was like, “Oh, hi. Babies have fingernails.”
长指甲了
Fingernails.
真可怕 你觉得婴儿出生的时候
That’s gruesome. Do you think the baby could all like
是不是会抓你的阴♥道♥
scratch your vag on the way out,
然后再…
and then it would…
莉亚 我不打算堕胎了
I’m staying pregnant, Leah.
拜托 小声点好吗
Dude! You got to keep your voice down, okay?
我妈在里面
My mom is inside.
她还不知道我们有过性行为
She doesn’t know that we’re sexually active.
没有又能怎样
What does that even mean?
我在想
I’ve been thinking.
我想 我能不能把孩子生下来
I was thinking I could, like, have this baby,
然后送给需要的人
and give it to someone that, like, totally needs it.
比如那些不能生育的女人
You know, like, a woman with a bum ovary,
或者是同性恋伴侣
or a couple nice lesbos.
但是 你肚子会慢慢变大
But then you’re gonna get, like, huge.
你的胸部也会起变化
And your chest is gonna milktate.
你就不得不告诉别人
And you’re gonna have to, like, tell people
你怀孕了
that you’re pregnant.
是啊 但也许他们会因为我的无私
Yeah, but maybe they’ll, like, canonize me
而崇拜我
for being so selfless.
也许他们只会非常生气
Or maybe they’ll, like, totally shit,