反正我们根本不在乎！
We don’t even care, anyway!
有句话我从没在纽约市听过
A sentence never heard
in the history of New York City:
“我们要不要换个新的遮雨篷？”
“Hey, why don’t we get a new awning?”
“现在上面有三公斤的鸟屎
“We’ve got six pounds
of bird crap on this one,
破了12个洞
还有11个地方露出金属框
12 rips, 11 places
where the metal frame is showing through.”
我们只需要花200美金
“It would cost us 200 bucks.
就能改善我们店的整个门面”
It’s only the entire appearance
of our whole business.”
“我觉得这样不好
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.
我觉得我们应该
I think it’s better
靠这种低调的手法
来表达我们有多讨厌自己
as a way for us to silently express
how much we hate ourselves
还有来我们店的人有多笨”
and the stupidity of people
that even come in here.”
“你说的对，别换了”
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s leave it.”
我上星期刚搭飞机回拉瓜迪亚机场
Just landed at LaGuardia last week.
还不错
Always uh… It’s nice there.
我喜欢天花板的高度
I like uh… I like the ceiling height.
很不错
It’s a very nice uh…
还可以更低，不过我觉得够了
It could be lower,
but I think it’s good. It’s good.
这间机场是以
前纽约市长拉瓜迪亚命名的
Named after the ex-mayor of New York,
of course, Fiorello H. La Guardia.
我想他听到这则消息时应该很兴奋
And I imagine it was quite an exciting day
in his life when he got that news,
有人进到他的办公室说
when they came into his office and said,
“市长
我们要把新的机场以你命名”
“Mayor, we’ve decided we’re going
to name the new airport after you.”
“真的吗？哪一个机场？”
He went, “Really? Which one?”
“拉瓜迪亚机场，在中♥央♥车站那边”
They went, “LaGuardia, on Grand Central.”
“对喔，我去过好几次了”
“Oh, right, right.
Yeah, I’ve been there a million times.”
我过海关的时候被检查包包
I go through customs. The guy asks me,
“I’ve got to go through the bags.
被问了有没有带酒或植物
他实际是在问我有没有带毒品
Do you have any alcohol, any plants?”
He actually says, “Any drugs?”
这样问有效吗？
Is this an effective interrogation?
有人会老实回答说
“宾果，被你发现了
Is anybody going, “Bingo! You got me.
天啊，真没料到你会问这个
Oh, my God.
I didn’t see that question coming.”
那里有20公斤
“Twenty kilos right there.
我真的完全没料到你会这样问”
You literally
just completely caught me off guard.”
1970年代的纽约
充满了犯罪、警♥察♥和报纸
New York in the ’70s was a crime city,
it was a cop city, it was a newspaper city.
我很喜欢无论世界发生了什么事
I always liked
that whatever goes on in the world,
都能刚好塞进报纸那天的版面数量
it somehow exactly fits the number of pages
that they’re using in the paper that day.
从来不会塞不下
They never run out of room.
从来不会因为没东西可报导就留白
They never have big blank spots
where nothing happened.
每天一定都有人希望
在发生什么事前赶快送印
They must be, at the end, “Get that paper
out before something happens.
今天又塞得刚刚好了
That was another perfect fit today.
太棒了
That was fantastic.”
我很喜欢警♥察♥抓犯人的时候
会用警棍打犯人
I like it when the cops catch somebody
and they hit them with the nightstick,
帮犯人上手铐
and they get them in the handcuffs,
还会锁喉压制犯人
and they use the chokehold on them.
但把犯人押上警车后座的时候
But when they put them
in the back seat of the police car,
都会用手护住犯人的头
they always put their hand on his head.
怕犯人撞到门框
“You don’t want to hit your head
on that edge of the door.”
真的会很痛，这样很聪明
“That really stings. It smarts, you know?
小心点
Be careful.”
为什么那些恶棍、杀人魔
Why are these crooks and mass-murderer,
劫机犯、神经病被逮捕的时候
hijacker, psychopath people
covering their faces
都要遮住自己的脸？
when they’re being hauled in?
他是要顾及自己的名声吗？
为什么要担心被别人认出来？
What is this man’s reputation that he’s
got to worry about someone seeing him?
他有参加快速联谊吗？
Is he speed dating?
还是要被升职到
景观佳的边间办公室？
Is he up for some corner-office promotion?
“如果被销♥售♥团队的人看到
“Oh, if the people
on my sales team saw me…
我劫持了埃及航♥空♥747
…hijacking Egypt Air 747
把尸体一个一个丢到飞机跑道上
and throwing bodies out
onto the tarmac one by one,
绝对会被烦死
I’ll never hear the end of that,
I’m telling you.”
同事会在休息室一直酸我，太烦了”
“They will needle me in that break room.
You have no idea.”
电击枪刚出现的时候
我不太确定那是什么
When they invented the stun gun,
I wasn’t quite sure what that was.
似乎被电击枪打到之后
It seemed like a gun
that they zap you with it,
犯人就会突然冷静下来
“喔，天啊，我是…”
and you just go, “Oh, my God. I…”
“你还好吗？”
“我没事
“Are you OK?”
“No, I’m fine.
只是很意外竟然会被电击”
Actually, I’m just stunned
that you would even use that on me.”
可不可以调整到傻眼模式？
I wonder if you can adjust it
to just “taken aback”?
如果可以调整模式，然后电人
让犯人反应可以是…
If you could turn it down
and just zap somebody, and they go…
“天啊”
“Wow.”
“还好吗？”
“我没事，只是…
“You all right?”
“No, I’m fine. Just…”
我有点傻眼”
“I’m a little taken aback.”
我21岁时
当搞笑艺人根本是不可能的事
When I was 21 years old, the idea of
becoming a comedian seemed impossible.
我当时住在家里
I was living at home.
我那时有份工作
要往那边走几个街区
I had a job a couple of blocks that way.
我负责敲掉墙壁，一天赚25美金
I was sledgehammering walls down
for $25 a day,
我每天都会坐在这里吃中餐
and I would sit here
and have my lunch every day.
我记得自己当时心想
“就算我不够厉害
And I remember thinking,
“Even if I’m not any good at it,
只要一星期能赚到一条吐司的钱
我就能活下去了
if I could just make enough for a loaf
of bread a week, I could survive,
而且我会过得非常快乐”
and that would be
the greatest life I could have.”
你们有发现过
卷筒卫生纸上面会骂人吗？
Did you ever notice there’s an insult
on every roll of toilet paper?
下面会写“适用脸部”
Down at the bottom: “facial quality.”
我不喜欢这个影射
I don’t like the insinuation.
这跟我的脸有什么关系？
What has my face got to do with this?
刚开始表演不够好笑
我也会被观众呛
And, yes, there was heckling and bombing,
还曾经有人拿玻璃杯朝我丢
碎在舞台上
and someone once threw a glass at me
that shattered on stage.
也有几个人想找我打架
I remember a couple of people
who were interested in a physical fight.
但我都不在乎
None of it bothered me.
我进到了喜剧界
I was in comedy,
这对我来说就像天堂
and it just felt like heaven.
我在这里最重要的表演之一
You know,
one of the big nights that I had here
就是我爸妈来看我表演
was my parents
coming to see me do my show,
因为我从来没有…
because I had never…
不知道为什么
我不太敢在我爸妈面前
For whatever reason,
I was very embarrassed around my parents
表现出我这样的一面
to show them this part of my personality.
所以我刚开始表演的时候
他们觉得有点奇怪
So when I started doing this, it was,
you know, a little strange to them,
我说我想当搞笑艺人的时候
他们就说…
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