宋飞之前是杰瑞（2017）

or in my family, or in my world.
我如果出生在皮奥里亚的妓院里
被妓♥女♥扶养长大
Would I have been funnier
if I grew up in Peoria
我的搞笑功力会不会更强？
in a whorehouse, raised by prostitutes?
绝对会
Absolutely.
但我当时的人生就这么平凡
But this is what I had to work with.
我爸妈人很好，贝蒂和卡尔
My parents were really nice,
Betty and Kal.
我还有个很棒的姊姊卡洛琳
我们家很棒
I had a wonderful older sister, Carolyn.
It was a nice family.
但我总是觉得很烦
But I just always felt, like,
“Could you just leave me alone?”
我小时候会讲的第一句话
就是“别管我”
My first thing I ever said –
my first words were, “Leave me alone.”
我如果撞倒台灯之类的
他们就会说“别管它…”
I used to knock over lamps or something,
and they used to say, “Leave it alone.”
然后我有一天就大声吼回去
And then, one day, I yelled back,
“你们别管我”
“Leave me alone.”
老师评语：杰瑞在班上太过于无所事事…
我就是不想要普通的东西
I just didn’t want the normal thing.
我不想要普通的东西
I just didn’t want anything normal.
我觉得这些人的世界很无聊
I just thought, “That world
that these people live in is very boring,
我想要去更好玩的地方
and I want to be in a more fun place.”
我10岁开始戴眼镜，12岁戴牙套
I had glasses at ten, braces at 12.
我就跟我爸妈说“还可以装更多东西
I said to my parents, “Let’s not stop now.
要不要再戴助听器和矫正鞋？
How about a hearing aid,
orthopedic shoes?”
我正在考虑要第一次跟女生讲话
“I’m thinking about talking to a girl
for the very first time in my life.
请在我的头上
装更多矫正器材，越多越好
I want as much corrective apparatus
on my head as I can possibly get.
我觉得女生就吃这套”
I think that’s what women like.”
我以前有个溜溜球，我很喜欢
I had a yo-yo. I-I liked that.
那个溜溜球很棒
The yo-yo was pretty great.
那我最高级的玩具之一
That was one of my good toys.
我蛮会玩溜溜球的
I could do the yo-yo pretty good.
我看了溜溜球的介绍
And I read about the yo-yo
才发现溜溜球是源自菲律宾
而且是拿来当武器的
and found out the yo-yo was originally
invented as a weapon in the Philippines.
这点很有趣又很诡异
An interesting
and obscure piece of information.
很难想像菲律宾的部落成员
拿溜溜球在打仗
Hard to imagine
Filipino tribesmen warring with yo-yos.
飞机低飞过敌方村庄
Planes flying low over enemy villages,
然后往窗外发动攻击
they lean out the door…
[clicks tongue]
“我好像成功杀死酋长了”
“I think I got the chief.”
但我以前没有
But I didn’t have…
没有出奇老鼠玩具店和玩具反斗城
You know, there was no Chuck E. Cheese
and Toys “R” Us.
没有那种东西
There was none of that.
所以就只能跟爸妈做一样的事
So, you know, you just did
whatever your parents were doing.
他们去哪里我就会跟着去
Wherever they had to go,
you know, I would go.
所以我妈如果想去逛壁纸店
So, my mother would want to go
to the wallpaper store,
我就得跟着去
that was my day, you know?
那是我妈最喜欢逛的店
And that was my mother’s favorite store.
我妈超喜欢很大本的壁纸书
She loved those giant books of wallpaper.
她会边读边翻页
She would read them, turn the pages.
就像《古♥兰♥经♥》一样
It was like the Koran.
[exhales]
超大本的，她会仔细看花样
Huge. She was looking at the patterns.
一副自己参透了其中的秘密一样
“Yes, I understand what they’re saying.”
[exhales]
小朋友去逛那种店真的受不了
And when you’re a little kid
in these places, you can’t really take it.
真的超无聊
You know, the boredom is so intense,
无聊得要命
it’s so powerful.
五岁小孩一旦开始无聊
就会没办法支撑自己的体重
When you’re five and you get bored,
you cannot support your body weight.
我就会开始…
You literally just… I would just…
我就会躺下来，我必须躺下来
I would just get down. I had to get down.
我记得小时候跟我爸妈去银行
I remember going to the bank
with my parents,
根本不知道银行是什么
and you don’t even know what a bank is.
但我知道“我不行了
虽然我不知道这是什么地方”
You just say, “Oh, I can’t handle this.
I don’t even know what this is.”
我就会平躺在地上
And I would lie down, flat.
完全平躺
Flat. Just…
“抱歉，妈，我也没办法
这地方无聊到我没办法站起来”
“Sorry, Mom. There’s nothing I can do.
This place is so dull, I cannot get up.”
我觉得这就是长大成人的真谛
This is what I think adulthood is.
长大成人就是要有办法
在很无聊的时候
Adulthood is the ability
to be totally bored
继续站着
and remain standing.
就算排很长的队也没关系
You’re in a long line somewhere,
no problem.
我当时不可能去迪士尼乐园
I wasn’t going to Disneyland, OK?
完全不可能，机率是零
That’s not… That’s not going to happen.
It wasn’t one of those things that you could do.
我爸妈不可能会带我
My parents were not taking me…
到好几千里远的另一个州去
thousands of miles to another state
让我坐在一个茶杯里面
so I could sit in a teacup.
我爸妈都是孤儿
Both of my parents were orphans,
我有个卧房♥，里面还有床
so the fact that I had a room with a bed,
they were like,
他们觉得那就算是我的游乐设施了
“That’s your ride. You can go on that.”
我已经过得很好了
“You’re fine.”
我确实过得不错
And I was fine.
有时候在店外面
Sometimes, outside of these stores,
会有两台红色、金属制的马在人行道上
they would have, like, two red,
metal horses on the sidewalk,
那蛮好玩的
and that was pretty good.
只要投一角硬币就能…
那算不上游乐设施
If you could get ten cents and…
It wasn’t a ride.
只能算是一小块
You know, it was kind of a piece,
游乐设施掉了一小块
just a fragment chipped off of a ride
不知道为什么会出现在那边
that landed there somehow.
那个马没什么刺♥激♥的功能
And it didn’t do anything
that would make you go, “Whee!”
只会前后摇而已
It would just kind of grind
forward and back.
[imitates mechanical grinding]
就像是谷物升运机马达
It was like a grain-elevator motor
装上了两匹马
with just two horses welded on top.
[imitates mechanical grinding]
“现在是在磨荞麦还是在游乐园？”
“Are we milling buckwheat
or am I at an amusement park here?”
[imitates mechanical grinding]
但比起躺在银行的地上
这对我来说已经是顶级游乐设施了
But compared to lying on the floor of
the bank, this was Space Mountain to me.
我觉得超开心的
我会跟我妈说“这超好玩的
You know, I thought it was great.
I would get off. “Mom, that was fantastic!
我感觉到1000%的快乐
I feel 1,000% better.
我很有精神又很平静
I’m refreshed, I’m calm.
我准备好逛壁纸店了
要再回去逛吗？
I’m ready for the wallpaper store.
Want to go back there?”
我很喜欢看靠枕和窗户装饰
我们走吧”
“I’m into it. Throw pillows,
window treatments. Let’s do it.”
我妈常常跟我说她要怎么改造客厅
My mother, she was always talking to me about uh…
what she was going to do with the living room.
她非常沉迷
This was her obsession.
她想要改造我们家的客厅
She was going to fix the living room,
change the living room.
她会说“只要把一面墙变成镜子
My mother would say, “You know,
if you make one wall of a room a mirror,
大家就会以为空间变成两倍大”
people think you have an entire other room.”
他们相信这种鬼话
They believe this.
哪种白♥痴♥会走到镜子面前
What kind of an idiot
walks up to a mirror…
然后说
“嘿！另一端还有一间客厅耶”？
…and goes, “Look,
there’s a whole other room in there”?
而且还有个长得跟自己超像的人耶