宋飞之前是杰瑞（2017）

“我们搭优步来的”
“How did you get here?”
“We took an Uber. I don’t know, we just…”
就像是一碗巧克力，随便大家拿
It’s like M&Ms in a bowl,
you just take them.
要拿多少都可以
Just take whatever you want.
所以我当时来到这里
And uh so I came here
在这个舞台上试镜
and I auditioned on this stage,
外面有个报名的小单子
and the little sign-up sheet is outside,
我写了小小的“杰瑞塞菲德”
that I wrote with my little
“Jerry Seinfeld.”
然后留我爸妈家的住址
You know, it was just my parents’ address,
“类型：搞笑艺人”
and “type of act: comedian.”
“有无特殊需求：无”
“Any special requirements? No.”
那次只有一个笑话成功了
And I only had one joke that worked…
我现在就讲给大家听
…which I’m going to do for you
right now.
而且呢…
And…
如果有人觉得
If you ever think yourself
自己或许未来会想当搞笑艺人
that you might want to someday do comedy,
绝对不要学我刚刚这样讲
this is not the way you do it.
千万不要说“我现在要讲个笑话”
Don’t ever say,
“I’m going to tell you a joke now.”
我是左撇子
So, I’m left-handed.
左撇子很不喜欢
Left-handed people do not like
左撇子常被跟负面东西联想在一起
that the word “left” is so often
associated with negative things.
手脚不协调、明褒暗贬
Two left feet, left-handed compliment.
“我们晚餐要吃什么？”
“昨天的剩饭”
“What are we having for dinner?”
“Leftovers.”
你去参加派对，“怎么都没有人？”
“因为大家都已经走了”
You go to a party, nobody’s there.
“Where did everybody go?” “They left.”
就这样
That was it.
这是我的第一个笑话
That was my first joke.
这个笑话还不错
And it was a pretty good joke,
他们录用了我
and uh they passed me on the audition,
我开始每天晚上来这里表演
and I started coming here
every single night.
我是在1960年代长大的
So, I grew up in the ’60s,
我看到台下有很多年轻的俊男美女
and I see a lot of beautiful
young people here tonight,
享受着人生
enjoying your life of uh…
充满了无限可能和机会
infinite potential and opportunity.
因为你们还年轻
你们还有很长的路要走
Because you’re young
and your life is still ahead of you,
之后一定会成功
and it’s all going to happen.
你们这些小混♥蛋♥给我听好了！
Let me tell you little punks something!
你们根本连童年都没有
You didn’t even have a childhood.
你们什么都没有！
You had nothing!
你们的童年比起
我们1960年代的童年简直是垃圾
You had garbage
compared to what we had in the ’60s.
知道是为什么吗？
因为你们的爸妈会关心你们
And you know why?
Your parents paid attention to you, OK?
他们对你们有兴趣
They were interested in you.
我爸妈、我们的爸妈
他们根本不知道我们的名字
My parents, our parents,
they didn’t even know our names, OK?
他们既无知又怠惰，根本心不在焉
They were ignorant, they were negligent,
they were checked-out.
1960年代的小孩就像野狗一样
We grew up like wild dogs in the ’60s!
当年的食物根本毫无营养
There was no nutrition.
我们当时对营养毫无概念
Nothing… of knowledge of nutrition,
对教育和安全也没有
education, safety.
你们能想像这样的世界吗？
Can you even imagine
the world I am describing?
没有安全帽、没有安全带
No helmets, no seat belts,
没有限制
no restraints.
如果突然煞车
Anything came to a stop,
我们就会直接飞出去
we just flew through the air.
我当时吃的要不是百分百纯糖
I was either eating 100% sugar,
就是西北风
or airborne.
我的童年就是这样
That was my childhood.
我爸妈根本不知道我的学校在哪里
My parents, they did not know
where my school was,
他们不知道我的成绩
they did know what my grades were,
连我在哪里都不知道
they didn’t know where I was.
我在我爸妈眼里就像浣熊
I was like a raccoon to my parents.
他们知道我在附近
You know there’s one around,
但没人会去关心我的确切行踪
but no one’s tracking
the actual whereabouts.
我起床之后
I would roll out of bed
就可以尽情地吃
and I would do a swan dive
巧克力泡芙、香甜玉米片
into Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes,
棉花糖麦片、水果圈圈、金黄玉米球
Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Sugar Pops.
我现在光是用想的就有点头晕
I’m getting a little light-headed right
now, actually, just thinking about it.
真是太棒了
It was so amazing, and it was great –
都没人发现我们在为非作歹
we were getting away with murder!
还有人生麦片，真大胆
Life cereal – that was ballsy, huh?
我一直都觉得取这名字很大胆
That’s a ballsy name, I always thought.
“人生”
“Life”!
“我们该取什么名字呢？
小小麦片？正方麦片？”
“What are we going to call this?
How about Oaties? Squaries?”
“不行，这玩意可厉害了
“Oh, no. This is much bigger than that.”
就取名为‘人生’吧
“This is Life, I tell you!”
这是‘人生’”
“It’s Life!”
其他名字呢？“全能的神”怎么样？
为什么不取这个名字？
What were the other names? How about
Almighty God? Why don’t we call it that?
谁不想要一起床
就看到一大碗全能的神？
Who wouldn’t want to wake up
to a nice big bowl of Almighty God?
或是全能的神麦片新包装
添加葡萄干
Or New Almighty God with Raisins.
如果不喜欢，你就下地狱去吧
And if you don’t like it,
you can go to hell.
这就是那个年代的美好
So the beauty of the time, OK?
当时的家长不知道为什么
完全不知道或不在乎
Parents, for some reason,
had no idea or no interest
这些麦片里面根本没有食物
that there’s no food in any of this.
本来很美好的，直到饼干脆片出现
And it was great
until the Cookie Crisp people came along
才让大家发现了这个大问题
and blew the lid off of the whole racket.
总是会有人把好东西做得太超过
There’s always somebody who pushes
a good thing just a little too far.
饼干脆片
Cookie Crisp.
为不懂的观众解释一下
这款早餐麦片呢，不是长得很像饼干
If you don’t know what this is,
this is a cereal… It’s not like cookies,
它就是饼干
it is cookies.
这就是你的早餐
This is your breakfast.
一大碗巧克力豆饼干
A bowl of chocolate-chip cookies!
这款麦片应该取名为“我不管了”
This cereal should have been called
The Hell With Everything!
午餐吃冰淇淋，晚餐吃蛋糕
下午茶吃培根和抽烟
Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner,
bacon and cigarettes in between. That’s…
这就是饼干脆片的健康饮食方案
That’s the Cookie Crisp total health plan.
我以前很喜欢冰淇淋车
我还会等卖♥♥冰淇淋的人
I liked the Good Humor man.
I would wait for him.
这是我小时候很重要的一部份
他简直是…
That was another huge thing of life,
the guy who was the…
只要一听到铃♥声♥还有白色卡车
You hear that little jingle bell,
and the white truck,
还有白色的衣服
我们就会在卡车后面排队
and the little white suit, and we would
stand in line behind the truck,
还有各式各样的冰淇淋
就在卡车后面
and all the different ice creams that you
could get was on the back of the truck,
放在排气管的正上面
placed right over the exhaust pipe.
买♥♥小杯的冰淇淋
就等于抽了一包骆驼牌香烟
If you had a Dixie Cup,
it was the equivalent of smoking a pack of Camels.
当时都没人在乎
Nobody cared!
往日真是美好
These were good times!
[movie projector whirring]
杰瑞五岁生日
我当时的人生没有任何狗血场面
[Jerry] There was no drama in my life,
我的家人和我的世界也都很平静