宋飞之前是杰瑞（2017）

你质问他怎么超过20分钟
“是20分钟啊”
“You said 20 minutes.”
“It was!”
没人知道20分钟有多久
Nobody knows what 20 minutes is.
如果你想骗人
就说你20分钟后会到
If you want to lie, just say, “I’ll be
20 minutes. I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”
我几个月前
看到了一个床垫店的广♥告♥
I saw an ad for a mattress store
a couple of months ago.
上面写“六月前免付费”
“No payments until June,”
因为他们知道
我们的笨脑袋会觉得6月
because they know our idiot brain
is going to go, “Oh, June?”
“6月前免费
那我就不用烦恼付钱的事了
“Well, that’s not really my problem,
then, is it?”
说不定6月永远不会来
“It will probably never be June, anyway.”
就交给6月的人去烦恼吧”
“That’s June guy’s problem.”
就跟我们看电视看到很晚一样
Same for when you’re watching TV
late at night, right?
明明很累了
And you’re tired,
还在Netflix连续追剧
and you’re binge-watching
all your little Netflix shows,
你以为我不知道
你现在就在做这件事啊？
and you think I don’t know
you’re doing it right now.
你看完我这个特辑
After you’re done with me,
就会回去看其他节目
说不定会知道凶手是谁
you’re going to go back to your little
show, maybe find out who the killer is.
明天要上班怎么办？你得起床上班
What about work tomorrow?
You’ve got to get up.
“我明天再烦恼就好
“Oh, that’s morning guy’s problem.
我现在才不管
I’m night guy.
我可以继续爽
Party rocks on for night guy.
再看一集
Fire up another episode,
再开一包奥利奥
crack open another sleeve of Oreos.
我想怎样就怎样”
No rules for night guy!”
然后隔天早上闹钟响起
Then, the next morning,
the alarm goes off,
你在床上累得要死
you’re trashed, crumbs in the bed.
“我昨天为什么不早睡？
“Why did I do that?
我恨死昨天的自己了”
I hate you, night guy!”
因为晚上的我…
等等，我还没讲完，因为晚上的我…
Because night guy…
Wait there’s more. Because night guy…
晚上的我都会恶搞早上的我
Night guy always screws morning guy.
早上的我也没办法
Nothing morning guy can do.
只能狂灌咖啡
He turns into coffee-all-day guy…
害自己晚上睡不着
who’s then can’t-sleep-at-night guy…
累到工作做不好，害自己被开除
totally-trashed-doesn’t-do-his-work guy,
and out-of-a-job guy.
晚上的我在乎吗？不在乎
Does night guy care? No.
他睡在全新的床垫上
因为他6月才需要付费
He’s sleeping on a brand-new mattress,
courtesy of no-payments-until-June guy.
在表演单口相声喜剧的时候
So, when you’re doing stand-up comedy,
绝对要跟观众建立连结
you absolutely have to connect
with the audience.
不是每种艺术形式都需要
Not every other form of art is like that.
我看过很多电影
A lot of movies I see,
根本不在乎我们能不能搞懂情节
it doesn’t seem like they care
if we can even follow the plot.
我很难看懂
I’m the kind of guy…
I have a lot of trouble
像是《神鬼认证》
《不可能的任务》那种电影
with these movies like uh…
Jason Bourne, Mission Impossible.
我会看完电影走到停车场
I’m the guy you always see
in the parking lot after the movie,
跟朋友聊天的时候才搞懂
talking with his friends, going,
“他就是一开始那个人喔？
“Oh, you mean,
that was the same guy from the beginning?”
“Oh!
所以他才会在偷钱之后
装上假鼻子，原来喔…”
That’s why after he stole the money
he had the fake nose, beard, and then he didn’t!
Oh!”
朋友问我觉得好看吗？
“我现在在停车场觉得很好看
“Did you enjoy the movie?”
“Yes, I’m enjoying it here in the parking lot,
但我刚刚根本不知道我在看什么”
but in there,
I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”
在电影院里面看不懂
也没人会解释给你听
Nobody will explain anything to you
in a movie theater once you get confused.
“现在是怎样？”
“What is happening now?”
嘘！
“Shh!”
“专心看就对了”
“Just pay attention.”
“他们为什么要杀他？
“Why did they kill that guy?”
我还以为他们是一伙的”
“I thought he was with them.”
“他们一定得杀他”
“They had to.”
“我很喜欢他耶，他…
“I liked that guy. That was the…”
他是我唯一喜欢的角色”
“That’s the only guy that I liked.”
“你可不可以认真看？”
“Would you just watch the movie?”
“我有认真看啊
“I am watching the movie.”
但是我看不懂”
“I don’t understand anything.”
“我跟你知道的一样多”
“You know as much as I do!”
“我什么都不知道
“I know nothing!”
这是太空片还是西部片？
“Is this a space movie? Is it a Western?”
我完全搞不懂
“I am lost in this movie.”
我讨厌这部电影
“I hate this movie.”
我也讨厌你”
“And I hate you, too.”
他们为什么不能加剧情字幕呢？
Why can’t they have subtitles
for the plot?
向看不懂的观众解释剧情
Closed-captioned for the movie-impaired.
有这种功能我就会去看
These are the movies I would go to.
跳出一个小东西
A little thing pops up.
“别管这个人，他只有出现在这一幕
“Don’t worry about this guy,
he’s only in this one scene.”
你认不得的这个演员
之前有演过这些电影”
“Here’s the name of the movie you can’t remember
that you have seen this person in before.”
总之呢
Anyway,
我想告诉你们的故事
the story that I wanted to tell you
就是你们如果想知道
我是怎么做到我过去所做的事
was if you ever wanted to know
how I did whatever I’ve done,
全都是从漫画喜剧俱乐部这里开始的
it really all started here
at the Comic Strip.
我今天晚上表演的内容
全都是在这里想出来的
This was the place where I created all of
the material that I did for you tonight.
我就是因为这些笑话
And it’s what got me from, you know,
才能从星期一的
开放麦克风试镜之夜
open-mic Monday night – audition night,
从住在我爸妈家里的小房♥间
living at home with my parents,
in my little room,
到五年后
to, five years later,
登上NBC的《今夜秀》
坐在强尼卡森旁边
being on The Tonight Show on NBC,
sitting next to Johnny Carson.
我就是靠这些笑话办到的
This was the stuff that got me there.
谢谢大家
Thank you very much.
你们这群观众很棒
You’ve been a fantastic audience.
我爱你们
I love you.
谢谢你们让我说自己的故事
希望你们喜欢
Thank you for letting me tell my story
tonight. I hope you enjoyed it.
晚安
Good night.
杰瑞塞菲德
谢谢你，杰瑞，跟大家鞠个躬吧
Jerry Seinfeld.
Thank you, Jerry. Take a bow.