宋飞之前是杰瑞（2017）

A little full of themselves, a little arrogant.
上台耍耍大家
让大家觉得自己很蠢，表演就结束了
“I come on, I fool you,
you feel stupid, show’s over.”
他们从来不解释，大家都不懂
Never explain, you never understand.
That’s how they do it.
“有个硬币，我变不见了
“Here’s a quarter. Now it’s gone.
你是个混♥蛋♥”
You’re a jerk.”
我过最夸张的魔术表演
是有个人能用牙齿接子弹
Craziest act I’ve ever seen was this guy
that could catch bullets in his teeth.
其实比较那像马戏团的表演
不过是真的
It was kind of a circus act,
really, but it was real.
我想应该是真的，我也不确定
I think it was real.
I don’t really even know.
那个男的上台之后
But this guy would come out,
让人对他开枪，他就咬住子弹
they would shoot a gun at him,
he would go…
他是怎么知道自己擅长接子弹的？
How do you know you’re good at this…
在还没接过之前
…before you do it?
先叫人很用力的拿子弹丢你几次
They throw it – throw it at you
a couple of times first, really hard.
然后放进枪里
“吉姆，这颗子弹会跑得比较快喔
Put it in the gun. “OK, Jim, this one’s
going to be coming a little faster now.”
我们速度会加快很多”
“We’re going to pick up the pace
quite a bit here.”
小偷绝对不会想去他家偷东西
It’s definitely a house you don’t want
to break into if you’re a crook.
在卧室里对他开枪之后，他就走出来
You shoot him in the bedroom,
he comes walking out.
“你选错房♥子了，兄弟
“I think you got the wrong house, pal.”
我常常接子弹的，好吗？
“I do this all day, OK?”
尽管开枪吧”
“So fire away.”
我觉得最糟糕的部分是
我看了他的表演，我觉得很棒
To me, the worst part of the whole thing
is I saw this guy, I was amazed,
但是我不知道…
and I have no idea…
我不知道他的名字，我不知道
I don’t know the name.
What’s the name of the guy? I don’t know.
如果他知道的话，他会不会心想
“我到底还要做什么
If he knew that, wouldn’t he feel, like,
“What the hell do I have to do…
才能让大家记得我？”
to really impress people?”
总统也是很怪的工作
President’s a weird job.
大家常说我们总统可能是疯子
How do you think… People say,
“I think the President might be crazy.”
“所以呢？不然你以为呢？”
“Oh, yeah? So? Well, what do you expect?”
任何觉得自己该当总统的人
Anybody who thinks
they should be the president,
这就是测试的方法
there’s your test right there.
如果你真的心想自己该当总统
If you actually think for real,
in your head, that you should be…
那你就疯了，你是疯子
You’re out of your mind! You’re crazy!
我觉得说出“我应该当总统”
“I should be the president,”
to me, is like,
跟“我应该当雷神索尔”是一样的
“I should be Thor.”
“我应该当约会网站创办人
尼尔克拉克华伦博士
“I think I would like to be
Dr. Neil Clark Warren of eHarmony.com.
我想当他”
That’s what I want.”
你疯了，好吗？
You’re out of your mind, OK?!
这些想法太疯狂了
These are crazy ideas!
“谁应该当全美国权力最大的人
“Who should be
the most powerful person in America,
三军统帅兼自♥由♥世界的领导者呢？
the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces
and leader of the free world?”
我觉得听起来很适合我
“You know, that sounds like me.”
感觉我应该会很擅长
“It seems like something
I would be good at.”
我想不出比我更适合
“I can’t think of anyone better than me…
控制一切的人选了”
to be in charge of absolutely everything!”
“因为我是疯子”，之后就接这句
“因为我是疯子”
“Because I’m insane,” is the rest of that
sentence. “Because I’m insane.”
我能理解那些人
So I understand those people.
我不会生气，或者我尽量
I don’t get upset,
or I try not to get upset
不因为政♥治♥人物生气
about the politic people,
因为你应该要知道
because you should know,
或者你已经知道了
他们就是这种人，好吗？
or you do know, this is who they are, OK?
我能理解
I comprehend it.
我无法理解的是
为什么我们会选大象跟驴子
What I do not comprehend is how we
ended up with the elephant and the donkey
来当两大党的
as the two mascot animals
吉祥物？
for only two major political parties.
明明有很多动物可以选啊
You’ve got the whole animal kingdom here.
可以选品种优良的种马
You can pick from magnificent stallion,
孟加拉虎
Bengal tiger.
民♥主♥党的人就说
“我们当笨驴好不好？
Democrats: “How about a jackass?
我们当笨驴怎么样？”
How about…
Why don’t we be the jackasses?”
“我喜欢笨驴这个点子
“I like the jackass idea.
大家有听到吗？
笨驴是很棒的动物”
Did everyone hear that?
The jackass is a very impressive animal.”
“我们如果选笨驴
大家应该不会觉得我们是笨驴吧？”
“You don’t think people will think that
we’re jackasses if we pick a jackass?”
“不会，这完全没有关连”
“No, it’s two completely separate things.”
共和党的人就说“如果他们选笨驴
The Republicans go,
“If they’re going jackasses,
那我们就选个
又臭又笨的马戏团动物好了”
how about a smelly,
slow-witted circus animal? How about…”
大象很不错
An elephant is certainly impressive
五吨♥重的庞然大物戴着超小的帽子
when you weigh five tons wearing
the smallest possible hat you can get.
马戏团里的大象真的是这样
And you know, this is a true fact
about elephants in the circus.
在表演之前，会有人拿扫把的握把
Before they go out to do their show,
they take a broom handle,
插♥进♥大象的肛♥门♥里
they stick it up the elephant’s ass
刺♥激♥大象排便
so the elephant empties himself,
因为他们不希望大象在表演途中大便
because they don’t want him to do it
during the show.
“我觉得这对我们党的形象很加分
“And I think that’s also a good image
for our party.
这代表我们为了达成目标
什么都愿意做”
That says, ‘We’re willing to do
whatever we have to do.'”
我喜欢笨驴这个点子
“小马”
“Pony.”
这是在讲骑小马
Oh, this is a thing about pony rides,
爸妈会带小孩去骑小马
that parents take kids on pony rides,
小马除了让小孩骑之外
and there’s nothing else
that they could use ponies for
没有任何用处
except for rides for little kids.
警♥察♥不会骑小马控制人群
The cops don’t use them for crowd control.
这个笑话效果不错
This bit worked pretty good.
我会模仿警♥察♥骑小马
And uh… so I would do the cop going,
叫大家回到拒马后面
“You want to get back
behind the barricade.”
这还蛮好笑的
绝对是1970年代末期的风格
Yeah, this is pretty funny.
Definitely late ’70s.
能感受到自己的幽默被认可
To feel that your sense of humor
is actually being validated,
我想这是我唯一在乎的认可
that is the only validation I think I have
ever really cared about as a human being.
但我不在乎他们喜不喜欢我
But I didn’t really care
whether they liked me or not.
我比较在乎
他们喜不喜欢我表演的内容
To me it was, like,
do they like the material?
他们喜不喜欢我的笑话
喜不喜欢我想到的笑点
Do they like the jokes?
Do they like what I thought of?
我没有一定要让大家喜欢我
It’s like, I’m not out here, “I need you
to… I wish you would like me.”
你如果喜欢，那很好
如果你不喜欢，那也没关系
You know, if you like it, fine;
if you don’t, that’s fine, too.
我已经快没时间了
I’m about out of time here.
时间是…
Time is uh…
我觉得大家最常骗人的东西
I think one of the things
people lie about the most.
说再20分钟就好都是在骗人
Anything “20 minutes” is a lie.
如果有人说他20分钟后会到
要20分钟…
Any time someone says, “I’ll be there
in 20 minutes. It takes 20 minutes…”