宋飞之前是杰瑞（2017）

Little guard-gate booth at the front,
the thing comes down in front of your car,
穿着假警♥察♥制♥服♥的19岁小孩跑出来
19-year-old kid in a phony cop uniform
comes running out.
“你别想进去
名单上没有你的名字”
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?
Your name is not on the list!”
难道有人谁要偷老人吗？
“Dude, who is stealing the old people?
为什么？
What’s the…
为什么要管这么严？
What is the lockdown here?”
“我偷到了一个奶奶，我们走”
“I got a granny! Let’s go.”
去那里见爸妈
Go down there to visit your parents,
结果跟爸爸和其他
三、四个很老的人一起泡按♥摩♥浴缸
end up in a hot tub with your father
and three or four really old men.
这是认识老人的完美方式，对吧？
That’s a perfect way
to meet elderly people, right?
半裸着坐在按♥摩♥浴缸里面
Half-naked,
sitting in tubs of hot bubbling water?
他们起身之后
看起来就像重力的广♥告♥
They get out,
they look like an ad for gravity.
老人为什么喜欢热的东西？
Why do these old guys love heat?
蒸气室、热水浴缸、桑拿房♥
按♥摩♥水池
Steam rooms, hot tubs, saunas, Jacuzzis.
如果我们决定要派人登上太阳的话
If they ever decide to land a man
on the sun,
这些退休老人应该撑得住
these old retired guys
would be able to handle it.
不用穿太空衣
只要一条毛巾和一双夹脚拖
No space suit,
just a towel, a pair of flip-flops.
他们会坐在木头长椅上
把浴巾放在头上，在那边喊
They will sit there on a wood bench,
with a washcloth on their head, going,
“把门关上
“Close the door!”
要进来还是出去，快点决定
太阳的热气都要跑光了”
“Come on, in or out.
You’re letting all the heat off the sun.”
我妈现在还会开车
My mom is uh… still driving.
她什么都看不到
Can’t see a goddamn thing.
不是要看得到才能开车吗？
Don’t you have to see to drive?
开车不是一定要看路吗？
Isn’t that part of driving?
我帮她的车装了白内障镜片挡风玻璃
I had her car fitted with
a cataract-lens windshield.
是30公分厚的曲面玻璃
It’s a one-foot thick, curved glass…
医生开立的处方挡风玻璃
prescription windshield.
车里面的人头看起来都很大
Everyone’s head inside the car
looks huge now.
大家还以为是球队吉祥物的车
People think it’s a car full of
sports mascots coming down the street.
根本不知道是什么
They don’t know what it is.
我爸会等我回家帮他搬家具
My dad would wait for me to come home
so that I could help him move furniture.
他最喜欢这样跟我培养感情
This is his favorite bonding activity.
我跟他三个月没见面了
一见面就“帮忙搬东西吧”
I don’t see him for three months.
“Give me a hand with this, would you?”
“我们三个月没见面了”
“抬另一边”
“I haven’t seen you in three months.”
“Get the other end. Let’s go.”
我爸搬东西的方式
是先把很重的东西抬起来
My father’s moving technique
was to pick up something incredibly heavy,
抬高之后
get it in the air,
才开始解释要搬去哪里
and then he explains
what we’re going to do with it.
他嘴巴里还会叼着
只剩一公分长的烟
He’s always got a cigarette in his mouth,
burned to a quarter-of-an-inch long,
眼睛都被烟熏到了
the smoke going right in his eye.
因为搬壁橱倒着下楼梯的时候
Because you want your eye
blinking and tearing
眼睛最好是一直眨和流泪
when you’re going backwards
down a staircase, holding a wall unit.
这样比较好搬
That’s the easy way to do it.
他最喜欢一直说“好”
“抬起来，好…
“Easy,” that’s his favorite word.
Lift it up. “All right, easy now.
好…很好…”
Easy, easy, easy.”
一点都不好，根本不好搬
It’s not easy, it’s very difficult.
为什么不讲不好？
“不好…不可能…
Why don’t you say that?
“Difficult, difficult… Impossible, impossible…
放下来，不可能搬得动的”
Put it down, it’s impossible.”
[movie projector whirring]
我会尽量把香烟加进我的喜剧
[Jerry] I try to put cigarettes
into my comedy as much as I can.
我喜欢做那种动作
I want to do those moves.
如果跟抽烟的人讲话
对方有烟我没有，那我就输了
When I’m arguing with a smoker,
if they have the cigarette and I don’t, they got me.
“懂我的意思吗？
“You see what I’m saying?
我有烟，你没有，所以就照我说的
Because I have a cigarette and you
have nothing. This is what I’m saying.”
你手里没东西，我的手很忙
“Your hands are empty.
My hands are busy all the time.”
而且上面有火，你是不是很怕？
我不怕，我习惯了”
“And it’s on fire. Does that bother you?
It doesn’t bother me. I’m used to it.”
而且对方把烟熄掉
这次对话就结束了
They put it out and the argument is over.
对方只要把烟熄掉
就不能再多说什么了
When they put that cigarette out,
there’s nothing more to add.
我站着那边说我觉得怎样
我的看法是怎样
I’m standing there, “I think this.
I feel this. My point of view is this.”
对方说“就这样？你想说的就这样？
They go, “That’s your whole opinion?”
[exhales]
我熄烟了，你是错的”
“It’s out, you’re wrong.”
我熄烟了，你是错的
重点是内容
It was all about the material,
笑点、笑话
the bits, the stuff.
洛尼丹吉菲尔德跟我说过
“好笑的点人人都想要”
Rodney Dangerfield said to me,
“The killers, they’re wanted in all 50 states.”
分钟，搞笑艺人是以分钟为单位思考
Minutes – comedians think in minutes.
他们想要几分钟？你有几分钟？
How many minutes do they want?
How many minutes do you have?
你表演了几分钟？
How many minutes did you do?
我只要写了成功的笑话
就会收进这个伸缩资料夹
Any time I wrote something that worked,
I saved it in this accordion folder.
每个笑话都是
Every single thing.
都在这里了
And this is it,
从1975年到今天早上
from 1975 until this morning.
我有很多工作不想做
因为我不喜欢人们的那种态度
A lot of jobs I wouldn’t want because
I don’t like the attitude of the people.
公♥证♥人好像因为
自己的权力和地位感到很自满
The notary public seems to be very
thrilled with their power and position.
去银行有东西需要公♥证♥
You go to the bank,
“I need this notarized.”
“公♥证♥人不在，你得等等”
“Oh, the notary’s not here.
You’ve got to wait.”
只有公♥证♥人可以公♥证♥
Only the notary can notarize –
只有公♥证♥人有能力、技术、背景
has the skill, the technique,
the background
可以盖章公♥证♥
to take a stamper and go, “Boom, boom.”
我有时候很想把他的印♥章♥抢过来
Sometimes I just want to take
that stamper, rip it out of his hands.
“权力在我手上了
“There, I have the power now!”
你们看，他只是个凡人”
“You see, he’s just a man!”
公♥证♥是怎么教的？
公♥证♥课是不是有老师站在前面
How do they teach people to do that?
Notary classes where the teacher stands at the front?
“大家一起来，准备
“OK, everyone, now, ready and…”
压印台、盖印♥章♥、压紧
然后回到印台上
♪ Press and stamp and hold
And up and back to the pad ♪
压印台、盖印♥章♥
♪ And press, up, over, and stamp ♪
压紧，回到印台上
♪ Push down, up and back to the pad ♪
压印台、盖印♥章♥、压紧
然后回到印台上
♪ Pressing, stamping, holding
And up and back to the pad ♪
压印台、盖印♥章♥、压紧
♪ Press and stamp and hold and up ♪
然后回到印台上”
♪ And back to the pad ♪
如果是公立音乐公♥证♥学校的话
If it was a musical notary public school,
应该会是这个样子
I imagined it like that.
谢谢
Thank you.
我不喜欢魔术师
I don’t like magicians.
我在俱乐部表演过很多年
常常遇到魔术师
I’ve worked with many magicians in
my many years in the nightclub business.
我不喜欢魔术师的态度
有点自大傲慢
I don’t like their attitude.