希望沟壑（2019）

好的
All right, yep.
谢谢
Thank you.
谢谢
Thanks.
她怎么样
How is she?
她在一个叫《朋友热♥线♥》的组织当志愿者
She started volunteering for something called Friendline.
为弥留之际的人服务
It’s for people who reached the end of the line.
弥留之际 上帝啊
The end of the line, dear God.
她挺好的
She’s doing all right.
你不用担心
You didn’t have to worry.
或感到愧疚
Or feel guilty.
我并不觉得 人能像表现出来的那样
I didn’t think any of us have as much control over our lives
完全掌控人生
as we pretend.
安吉拉说格蕾丝和我并不合适
Angela says Grace and I weren’t suited,
我早就该离开她了
and I should have left years ago.
那你为什么没有呢
Why didn’t you?
这似乎从来都不是一个选择
It never really seemed an option.
你觉得我应该早点离开吗
Do you think I should?
我觉得如果你迟早要离开
I think if you were going to leave now,
不如早一点 你懂我的意思吗
you should have left earlier if you see what I mean.
我之前没意识到
I didn’t know.
如果我非要责怪你什么的话 就是这点
If I had to blame you for anything, it would be that.
怪我没有早点离开
For not leaving earlier?
怪你一直以来对她很好 为她端茶倒水
For going on being nice and making cups of tea and
让她以为你很幸福
letting her think that you were happy.
怪她逼你的时候 你从不生气
For not getting angry when she went for you.
怪你从不说你真正想要什么
For not telling you what you really wanted.
怪你不让她知道你一直在伪装自己
For not letting her know what it felt like to be you.
杰米 你不知道这有多难
Oh, Jamie, you don’t know how hard that is.
是吗
Don’t I?
但我认为就算不说她也知道
But I think she knew even so.
我不这么认为
I don’t.
直到你走那天
Right up until the day you left,
她还以为你们相互深爱
she thought you adored each other.
你知道这一言难尽
It’s complicated, you know.
你可以在爱着某人的同时想要离开她
You can love somebody and want to leave them at the same time.
当她说她爱我时 那个人不是我
When you say she adored me, no, that wasn’t me.
是她创造出来的 她心目当中的爱德华
That was someone she invented, the Edward she wanted.
一直以来 她都在怪我不是她心里的样子
And she never really forgive me for not being him.
这让我感觉我一直是错的
It made me feel like I was always in the wrong…
错误却无辜
in the wrong but innocent.
现在我觉得我做的是对的
Now I feel what I’ve done is right,
但我仍然感到愧疚
but I feel guilty
因为我很快乐但她不快乐
because I’m happy and she isn’t.
这是我的罪孽
That’s my crime.
这是什么
What’s that?
这是炒羊杂
That is the lamb’s fry.
炒羊杂又是什么
Lamb’s fry what?
好 请继续
Yes, go on.
我在听
I’m still listening.
朋友热♥线♥
我们倾听
没事的
That’s OK.
所以我们在这里 对
That’s what we’re here for, yes.
他不仅没来我的生日
So not only did he walk out on my birthday,
还带走了我买♥♥的香槟
taking the bottle of champagne I brought
那是我庆祝生日用的
to celebrate my birthday,
他还抛下我去找杰弗里
he also left me for Jeffrey,
那是第一个抛弃我的前男友
who was the first boyfriend to walk out on me.
男人就是这样
Typical men.
你说他怎么想的
I mean, what was he thinking?
男人不会思考也不会感受
Men don’t think or feel.
他们压根没有感情
They have no feelings at all.
我在听
I’m still listening.
这里是朋友热♥线♥
Friendline.
对
Yes.
不 我真的很愿意听一听
No, I really do want to hear it.
那处悬崖啊
Oh, the cliffs.
我自己一直在研究
I’ve been into all that myself.
那里看起来是垂直的 但实际上不是
They look vertical, but they’re not.
崖壁有凸起
They have bumps sticking out,
跳下去的过程中会撞上
and you hit them as you fall.
确实不公平 是吧
Well, exactly, it isn’t fair, is it?
你知不知道 更不公平的是
Do you know what’s even more unfair,
至少从我的角度来看
at least if you believe what I believe?
你的生活糟糕透顶 你决定结束这一切
Your life is so unbearable, you decide to end it,
接着你想起来 你会因此下地狱的
the next thing you know you’ve gone to hell.
就是这样
Honestly.
我在电♥话♥处的朋友是同性恋
My friend on the phone lines is gay.
结果他和我一样被人抛弃了
Turns out he’s been left just like me.
所以我们谈了谈自己的感受
So we talk about what it’s like
男人都是自私的猪头
and how men are all selfish pigs
还有我们该怎么办
and how is one to cope.
我还告诉他你的情况了
Oh, and I told him all about you.
他说你可能是同性恋
He said you’re probably gay.
是吗
He did.
你不是吧
You’re not, are you?
不 现在还不是
No, not as it happens.
你可能在否认自己的天性
You could be refusing to admit your true nature.
你希望我是个同性恋吗
Do you want me to be gay?
我希望你快快乐乐的
Oh, I just want you to be happy.
好孩子
There’s a good boy.
把你的新绝活给他看看
Let’s show him your new trick.
死啦 爱德华 死啦
Die, Edward, die.
你看 是不是可聪明了
There, isn’t he clever?
如果我让真正的爱德华这么做
Wouldn’t it be something if I could
是不是很了不起
get the real Edward to do that?
什么 让他死吗
What, make him die?
在地板上滚几圈
Well, roll about on the ground a bit.
真是好孩子
Oh, there’s my beautiful boy.
这狗是你丈夫还是你儿子啊
Is this dog your husband or your son?
怎么了
Why?
你嫉妒了吗
Are you jealous?
不 但你说话的方式
No, this is an improvement on the way
和几周前真是不一样了
you were talking a few weeks ago.
我之前是怎么说话的
And how is I talking a few weeks ago?
各种厌世的话
All that stuff about getting out.
对
Oh, yes.
对 不过我走出来了
Yes, well, I’ve moved on from that.
不开心的事 一段时间之后
The thing about unhappiness is, after a while,
也就过去了
it stops being interesting.
忘记说了 我重新开始整理诗集了
Did I tell you I’ve gone back to my anthology?
看 我在按主题整理诗歌♥
See I’ve been collecting the poems under headings…
孤独感 爱人去世 之类的
feeling lonely, death of a loved one, that sort of thing.
当然 只收录真正的好诗
Only really good poems, of course.
没有贺卡上的那种废话
No greeting cards nonsense.
婚姻失败 这是个重要部分
Marriage breakdown, that’s a big one.
还有失败者的感觉
And feeling you’re a failure.
也很多
That’s huge.
我能不能
Can I…
你想怎么处理这些选集
What do you plan to do with this?
做成一个群体联想链
It’s a sort of constellation system.
你遇到了烦心事 就来看我的诗集
Something bad happens to you, you look it up in my anthology.
对 我明白
Right, I…I get that. I mean…
可你怎么让人知道它呢
How are you going to get people to know about it?
我希望出书吧
Well, it’s going to be a book I hope.
这个应该做成网站 妈
This should be a website, Mom.
它特别契合互联网
It’s perfect for the internet.
你可以设置一个搜索栏
You could have a search bar,
输入孤独
and you could type in feeling lonely.
系统会检索出有关孤独感的诗歌♥链接
And then it would give you links to poems about loneliness.
怎么做网站呢
How would it do that?