天堂大塞车（2016）

If I saw a chair, I knew what it was but I didn’t know the name for it.
我朋友做了一张单词表让我照着念
My friends made a list of words for me, and I could point to the words.
后来变成一个个的单词卡
And then it developed into cutting up the words.
再后来我在一个旧盒子里建了一个单词库
And then eventually I built a box inside of an old slide box.
有些是描述性词语
Some word descriptive words.
有些脏话还是有必要学的
Some word swear words, which were necessary.
还有些抽象的词语
And then some word just abstract ideas.
我画画时很高产
I was very prolific with my drawing.
我觉得自己在画里的表达更完整
And I think that I was telling more complete stories,
也许是因为我迫切地想要交流
maybe because I so desperately was trying to communicate.
*
I didn’t on and off able to speak for approximately ten times around the sun.
1994年我接受了休克疗法
In one nine nine four, I was given shock treatments.
我那时自杀倾向很严重
I was extremely suicidal,
药物不起作用
and the medication wasn’t working.
没有什么帮得上忙
Nothing seemed to be helping.
我觉得这可以是一种选择
And I understood that could be an option,
所以请求医生采用这种方法
and I begged my doctors to please try that.
当我第一次意识到自己抑郁的时候
When I first realize that I’m experiencing depression.
我不想动
I have trouble to move my body,
不想和任何人说话
I don’t want to speak to anyone.
没有精力听音乐
I don’t have the energy to listen to music.
就这么坐在那儿 发呆
Usually I just sit and stare at nothing.
生命中所有的可能性都消失了
All the possibilities of life are gone.
我感觉自己的未来黑暗又凄凉
And I feel my future is very dark and bleak.
只是坐在一滩泪水里
It’s just sitting in a puddle of crying.
不是因为悲伤 而是因为疲惫
Not for sadness, but just because exhaustion of it.
我看到其他人很开心
I see other people being happy.
然而我一点也理解不了
I don’t understand at all.
他们是怎么做到的呢？
How do they do that?
对我来说抑郁症只有灰色这一种颜色
To me depression is just grey.
我记得自己被注射了镇静剂
I remember being sedated,
一轮一轮的倒数
and counting back from one circle circle…
这确实给我的大脑造成了永久性的损伤
It did cause some permanent damage to my brain,
但我觉得它可能也救了我
but I do also think that it may have saved me.
我在想 要花那么多时间完成这个作品
I was trying to think who could I spent that much time focusing on,
该以谁为创作原型
and really want to be with their face.
答案是肯定的 我的医生♥肖♥莎娜
and it was obviously my doctor Shoshana.
完成这个作品不容易
It was a really difficult project,
因为我很难去描绘她
because it was very hard for me to see her really,
我的感觉太强烈了
because my feelings are so big.
遇到肖莎娜之前 我完全是一团糟
Before Shoshana I was a complete mess.
我害怕所有人
I was terrified of everyone.
我讨厌我自己
I hated my self.
我责怪每个人对我的糟糕态度
I blamed everyone for being rotten to me .
不管在我周围或是在我身上发生着多么疯狂的事
No matter what craziness is happening around me or in me,
肖莎娜永远站在我这边
there was this one push always on my side, Shoshana.
我过去经常给她打电♥话♥
I used to call her all the time,
因为我每天都在
because I couldn’t make it though a day
不断的确认和恐慌中度过
without reassurance or you know, panicking about something
26年是一段很长的时间
And twenty six years is a long time, and
我必须得成长
you have to grow up.
她也一直陪着我成长
And she’s been with me while I’ve been growing up.
我们都期待着这一天 对吧？
So this is a day that we’ve always been waiting for, right?
你可以简单谈谈你遇到的挑战 – 好
Maybe you could tell us a little bit about the challenges. – Ok.
我推♥翻♥了对这个作品所有原有的设想
I had give up all my ideas I had in my head what I imagined it would suppose to look like,
最终 在汤姆的帮助下 我让这个雕塑指引着我
and finally let the sculpture guide me,
让它变成它自己
with Tom’s help, to become itself.
但即便在汤姆的帮助下 我感觉
But even with all of Tom’s help, what I feel…
自己还是没能完全描绘好她的形象
I didn’t accomplish it to capture her…
我对她的感情 我的心
How I feel about her… my heart… my heart,
以及她的心 她对我的关怀
and her heart, her… her compassion.
这是一件非常感性的作品
There is a lot of sensitivity here.
从这双眼睛里 我能真切感受到你的挣扎
And also the kind of identification with your struggle that I can see in those eyes,
但更重要的是 我看到了一份权威的声明
But more than anything, I see a statement of authority.
明迪刚来的时候 没办法和我们一起吃午餐
When Mindy first came here, she was incapable of coming to lunch,
更别说接触其他学员了
let alone even having a contact with the other students.
她每过一会儿就要道歉
and she would have to apologize every ten seconds,
因为她连和我正常交流都做不到
because she couldn’t even communicate with me.
我想说的是 创造性
Everything I’m always talking about here, about creativity
以及实现创造性对人的救赎
and how it can really have a redemptive capacity
只要你相信它 并投入其中
if one acknowledges it and commits to it,
就是有可能的 正如明迪的作品
is true we are here with this work.
我知道每个人都对我很有耐心
I mean I know just the difference between everyone being so patient with me.
以前我觉得自己不配
And now I feel like I can be friends with all the people here
但现在我感觉可以和这里的所有人成为朋友
who I didn’t deserve that before, so…
你怎么知道现在就配呢？
Well, what makes you think you deserve that now?
你这说的很牵强啊
That’s kind of hard against it.
请说实话吧
Please tell me truth.
反正有午餐 不吃白不吃啊
Now I’m too big of a snob to come to lunch anyway.
看来真♥相♥大白了
Finally the truth comes out.
非常感谢你
Thank you so much.
画廊准备中 暂时关闭
明迪·阿尔珀 玛西亚·罗伯茨
展览将于5月4日（周六）开幕 持续到7日
当他们把这些东西从卡车上搬下来时
When they were bringing my things out of the truck,
我很不安
I was so embarrassed,
因为人们就要看到我的作品了
because my pieces were coming out in front of people,
我不希望任何人看到这些东西有多可怕
and I wanted no one to see how horrible these things were.
目前的作品基本上是纸浆雕塑
The current work is basically paper mache
她从年幼时就开始接触这些 已经做了很多年了
which she has done for many many years since she was a child.
她告诉过我她有自己喜欢合作的报纸
She told me that she has her favorite newspapers that she likes to work with.
她看不上《洛杉矶时报》印刷的纸质
She doesn’t like the quality of the paper that LA Times is printed on.
偏爱《华尔街日报》和《纽♥约♥时♥报♥》
She prefers the quality of The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times.
她也会使用颜料
She does use color,
但会考虑到报纸印刷的颜色
but dependent on the printed color used in the newspapers.
她对色彩的使用非常巧妙
And so she uses that very skillfully.
这让我受宠若惊
I feel very overwhelmed.
我绝对不配拥有这一切
Definitely don’t deserve all this.
在我做完最后一个雕塑时
After I finished building the last sculpture,
我环顾罗莎蒙德和我创作的这一切
and looked around the way Rosamond and I had planned everything,
第一次看到这些作品被空间独♥立♥隔开
I saw my pieces for the first time with space around them.
其实还蛮感动的
And I actually was quite moved.
它们好像有了自己的生命一样
They became their own life.
互相联♥系♥在一起
And they related to each other.
而且也没有那么糟糕
And they weren’t so bad.
早上 在和别人待在一起之前 我有自己的时间
In the morning I took my time before I went over to be with people.
这对我来说是件大事
Because it’s going to be a big deal for me,
所以我得独处一会儿 先准备好
so I had to really be alone to get ready.
我吐了
早上的时候
但那是因为头痛 而不是因为神经紧张
我的作品只能收录在Shcpilkas网站
我希望他们会喜欢我的作品
因为朋友们看我的作品好多年了
都已经腻了
结果那天来了很多人
As it turns out a lot people came.
我不敢相信这一切
I couldn’t believe all of this is happening,
都是因为我
because of something I did.
嗨 汤姆 – 你好吗 – 挺好的
Hi Tom. – Hey how are you? – I’m all right.
见到你真好 祝贺你
Good to see you. Congratulations.
肖莎娜来得很早
Shoshana had come early to the show.
她主动提出要来 我说 当然可以
She offered and I said yes, please.
我对她的到来感到害怕
I was terrified for her to come into the gallery
害怕她第一次走进画廊 然后看到自己的雕塑
for the first time, and see the sculpture of her.
我想她肯定不会喜欢的
I thought for sure she wouldn’t like it.
她会觉得我没能塑造好她
And she would see I didn’t do a good job of capturing her.
但她觉得这很美
But she thought it was really beautiful,
而且流露出如此多的爱与关怀
and exuded so much love and compassion.
让她想落泪 甚至开始思考
It made her feel to tears to think about it.
自己是否值得我这么做
And she wasn’t sure she deserved,
也不确定她所拥有的情感
or could live up to the feelings that
是否与这座雕塑所传达出的相当
the sculpture brought out.
这些作品有如此大的力量
These pieces are so powerful.
那些面孔 传递出的细微的情绪
Those faces, the sensitivity in the faces,
事实证明她从人的双眼中获取到这么多的情感
The fact that she’s got so much expression in people’s eyes, and
这些不只是金属丝和废纸 而是真真切切的人