天堂大塞车（2016）

我觉得自己不再有创造力了
I didn’t think I had any creativity in me anymore.
汤姆向我保证
Tom promised me
我们就是创造力本身
that we are creativity itself.
他会帮我重新找到它
And he could help me to find that in myself again.
而且他愿意无偿做这件事
And he would like to do that for no charge.
当人们联♥系♥我
When someone calls me,
当他们走进这扇门的时候
and when they walk through that door,
我把他们当做有创造力的个体来看待
I take them seriously as a creative individual.
对他们来说这是一种新的体验
And to them that’s a new experience,
因为这是他们身上
because that’s a part of themselves that
从未被了解或者被挖掘的一部分
they never knew existed or has been dormant.
在我们的努力下
And as we work together,
它被唤醒了
it slowly reveals itself.
这就是所谓的改造
That’s what is being called transformative.
但其实它只是揭开了一直存在的事物的面纱
When in fact it’s just a lifting of the veil of something that’s always been there.
这段时间之后他继续授予我奖学金
I continue after all this time to be given a scholarship by him.
这是我收到过的最好的礼物之一
It’s one of the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me.
我十六岁的时候
When I was one six… sixteen,
一切都变得更糟了
Everything for me started getting worse.
爸爸和我总是在吵架
My father and I were fighting all the time.
好像他一看到我 就要开始大喊大叫
It seemed to me that whenever he saw me he would start to yell.
我只会惹恼他
I just infuriated him.
他看到她很无助
He saw her being helpless,
没办法照顾好自己
not be able to care for herself.
我想他应该是以为 这些都是
And I think he thought that, that that was deliberate
她故意表现出来的
with something that she could… she could help,
她可以自己解决这些问题
that she could do something about.
妈妈没有介入我们之间
My mother didn’t step in between us.
也许她害怕他
Possible she was afraid him.
也许她本身就没有保护自己孩子的母性
Possible she did not have those natural mother feeling of protecting your children.
我们之间的关系一度变得如此糟糕
And at one point it just became so bad between us.
妈妈对我说 我想你该离开了
My mother came to me and said, I think you should leave.
所以 我离开了家
So I… I did.
我不确定她是否还愿意和我说话
I wasn’t sure that she would ever speak to me again.
她有很多年都没和我们说过话
She went for years not speaking to us.
我实在不理解
I really didn’t understand
为什么她叫我离开 而不是他
why did she asked me to go, instead of him.
我那时觉得他的怒火有一天也会发泄到我身上
I think I believed then that then the anger would also be turned on me.
我也没准备好站出来
And I didn’t have the equipment to do battle,
去终结一场争吵
to be able to hold up my end of an argument.
我总以为莱昂纳德管着这个家
I always believe that Leonard ruled the house, ruled the family.
尽管如此 我必须得做点什么
And that I had to do whatever I did, inspite of his ruling the house and the family.
他可能会谈起精神疾病
He could talk about mental illness,
但我不觉得他真♥相♥信有这种病
but I don’t think in fact he ever believed in it.
或者他只相信别人会得这种病
Or maybe he believed in it for somebody else,
而不是他自己的女儿
but not for his daughter.
尽管这样 他依然爱着她
But he, he also loved her for who she was.
他很爱她 也许你们已经听过他留的语♥音♥了
He loved her, and you probably have heard the message that he left her.
嗨 明迪
Hello Mindy, it’s
昨天我碰巧和你♥爸♥爸聊了会天
I happened to talk to your dad yesterday,
他没找到机会和你说话
who didn’t have chance to talk to you.
他告诉我他以你为傲
And he told me that he is so proud of you,
他非常爱你
He loves you so much.
他很高兴你是他的女儿
And he’s so happy that you are his child.
他迫不及待地想见到你 再次拥抱你
He can’t wait to see you and hug you again.
所以我想把这个消息传达给你 拜拜
So I thought I’ll write you now. Bye.
我觉得他让其他人传话给我
I think he spoking third person,
其一 因为他想让气氛轻松一点
one, because he is trying to be funny.
其二
And two, because he
我以你为傲 我为有你这个女儿感到高兴
was uncomfortable saying I’m proud of you,
这些话让他觉得别扭 说不出口
and I am really happy I’m your dad but he…
我从别人那里听说
I hear from people now
他很为我骄傲
that he told them… other people he was proud of me a lot.
但他就是不能亲口对我说
He just couldn’t say it to me.
喧闹嘈杂的地方让我喘不过气来
It is complete overwhelming me to go somewhere busy and noisy.
以前在超♥市♥里
To go to the supermarket,
我总是戴上随身听
I used to have to walkman my ears.
因为周围的环境让我感到恐惧
Just because it was so frightening.
有时候就这么耗着时间
Sometime I’ve gone in and can’t take
东西都没买♥♥全
enough time to get what I need.
在好市多购物是种噩梦
Nightmare is Costco.
Costco好市多：美国连锁仓库式商店
我变得非常焦虑
I become very anxious.
天花板那么高
The ceiling is so high.
物品都朝我逼近
Things start to closing in on me.
我不知道该看向哪里
My eyes are going all over the place,
连计划要买♥♥的东西也想不起来
trying to find something but I don’t know what.
我慌极了
I panic.
十九岁的时候我意识到
When I was one nine old,
在我还是个小孩子的时候
I realize in my mind something really terrible happened,
发生过很糟糕的事情
when I am a baby.
我知道 妈妈肯定清楚那是什么
And I knew my mother knew the answer.
她告诉我 在我弟弟安迪出生之后
She said when my brother Andy born,
她对我产生了生理上的排斥
she had physical repulsion to me.
当我靠近她 触摸她时
And when I come near her or touch her,
她觉得恶心 躲远了
made her sick and crawl
我说你就要一直围着你儿子转么
And I say did it the last thing approximate ten twelve times round the son
她说 是的
and she thinks it did, yes.
我正经受着触摸明迪时的消极情绪
I was experiencing these negative feelings about touching Mindy.
我知道这和我刚生完孩子有关
And I knew that it was somehow associated with having just had a baby.
我知道我得尽可能不让这种情绪影响到她
I knew that I had to do everything possible to not let this run off under her.
但不管我怎么做 即便什么也不做 她都察觉到了
But she was aware of it anyway, no matter what I tried to do or not do.
她很敏感
She was sensitive, and knew
她知道到母亲和自己之间发生了一些事
that something had happened between her and her mother.
可以理解的是 她不敢告诉我
She was afraid to tell me, understandably.
她以为我会从窗口跳出去
She thought I would jumping out the window.
她能说这些 真的很勇敢
I think was very brave her to telling me that.
我试着去安慰她
And I tried to comforting her.
我认为妈妈对接触我的恐惧
So I think a combination of my mother afraid to touching me,
和爸爸对我过多的接触 加在一起让我很难接受
and my father too much touch is a difficult combination.
想不起了
It’s not getting to…
我现在的记忆都是混乱的
I’m not remembering things in order.
我在治疗的最后阶段
For the last couple of my months,
遇到了一些很严重的问题
I’ve been having some pretty bad problems.
我对以前服用的药物感觉不太好
I wasn’t feeling too well on my old medication.
所以就停用了那种药
And we stopped that medication,
这让情况变得更糟了
which really made things even suck.
我不想再重新经历一次
And I don’t want to go back… back on it
我服用了好几种不同的药物
But I’ve been through several different medication,
产生了副作用 我还出现了幻觉
and with all kinds of side effects and I was having some hallucination.
早上醒来时
I would wake up in the morning,
城市就在我耳边尖叫
and I would just hear all the towns of the city screaming in my ears,
飞机的轰鸣 小孩的哭声 打猎的声音
I would hear airplanes, children screaming, hunting foods
发生在人们身上的可怕的事
and terrible things happening to people.
我看见人们被困在绿色的玻璃里
And I would see people stuck in pure green glass.
我以为那是真实的
And I really thought it was real.
那段时间的尝试很艰难 也很痛苦
This is a really hard and depressing trying time.
比以前更糟糕
it’s really not nearly as bad as times I’ve had before.
尝试自杀之后 我进了医院
And where I’ve ended up in the hospital and suicidal times ago.
我在27岁时完全崩溃了
I was two seven old and that’s when I completely fell apart.
停止了语言交流
And had no speech at all.
失去了书写和思考的能力
Not any ability to write or think words.
我开始失去对自己身体的控制
I just started to lose control of my body.
我经历了精神崩溃
I had had nervous breakdown.
被送去精神病院治疗
And I was hospitalized in a mental hospital.
那里的医生说
The doctor there said,
别担心 我们会找到你脑袋里的石头
don’t worry, we will find the rock in your head.
我很害怕
So I was terrified,
还以为在我脑袋里有个巨大的肿瘤
because I thought that there was some gigantic tumor going on my brain.
我很难用语言表达自己
I really had a lot of trouble finding woods.
我看到一张椅子 我知道那是什么 但叫不出它的名字