天堂大塞车（2016）

我喜欢在405公路堵车的时候
I love being inside of the four zero five freeway in my car
待在自己的车里
during traffic.
只要我不赶时间 也不内急
Long as I’m not late or have to pee,
这样待着 就是天堂
It’s heaven.
只坐在那里 也不移♥动♥
Just sit there, no moving.
看着其他的车辆
Watch the other car.
静静地听着音乐
Complete safe
想着自己的事 就很有安全感
with music or think my thought.
天堂大塞车/天堂是405公路的塞车
这张画里的我在和妈妈讲电♥话♥
This picture of me are talking to the phone to my mom.
你好吗 妈妈
Hi mom, how are you?
你吃过早午餐了？
You had brunch?
辣炒茄子
Chile vojeno
我每天至少要给我妈妈打两次或三次电♥话♥
I speak to my mother at least two or three times every day.
一直聊到她说她要挂电♥话♥为止
Until she tells me that she’s really has to get off the phone now.
好的 我爱你妈妈
Ok, I love you mommy.
谢谢妈妈
Thank you,
祝你有个愉快的一天
you have a wonderful day to you.
好
Ok.
再见
Alright. Bye.
我记得
I remember
我拼命地想获得妈妈的爱
wanting desperately love from my mother.
我小时候是个怪孩子
I was a strange kid.
触摸身边的人
I had so many phobia
让我感到恐惧
touching people close to me.
我担心会染上别人身上的虱子
I was afraid other people cooties would get on me.
我也害怕我身上的虱子会传给别人
I was terribly afraid my cooties would get someone else.
我觉得皮肤很吓人
I thought skin is very frightening.
我担心触摸别人时
Afraid my poison would come off
我身上的”毒”会传给他们
on someone I touch,
使他们生病
and made them sick.
也许
And maybe,
他们会因此而死
maybe they could die.
有时我会忍♥不住拥抱我爱的人
Sometime I can not help myself to hugging someone I love.
但在我的脑海中
But I always in the back of my mind
我总担心这会伤害他们
worrying if I am hurt them,
或者让他们生病
or sick them… making them sick.
我觉得妈妈是唯一不长虱子的人
I felt mother was only person, no cooties,
我想得到她很多很多的爱
and wanted so much love from her.
妈妈在我的记忆里是黑白的
My mother was in black and white in my memory.
部分原因是她抽烟时的烟雾
Partly because of the smoke from her cigaret.
父亲在我的记忆里则是粉色的
I remember my father in color, pink.
我爸爸是粉色的
My father was pink.
有时候他又是红色的
And sometime he was red.
记忆中
My memories of my dad were
我总想成为对他来说最好的孩子
really wanting to be the best kid for him.
这是件难事
And that was a difficult thing,
因为
because he was
我不觉得他和我一起的时候是开心的
I don’t think so happy ever with me.
我记得他经常朝我发火
I remember him quite angry me a lot.
他在发火的时候
When he was angry he would louder his sound,
会大声指责我
and say I am do something to
故意做些让他失望的事
purposely disappoint him.
他不是那种会暴打孩子的父亲
He wasn’t a big hitting dad.
但他会粗暴地把我推到墙边
He was more rough you push you to the wall,
然后紧紧抱着我 直到我快要窒息
And squeeze me too hard.
他用这种方式来表达对我的爱
Try to showing me lots of love by squeezing me so hard to not breathe.
他不明白我为什么要叫喊着求他放开我
He did not understand why am I screaming and crying for him to let go.
妈妈给了我一封信 里面是我小时候的画
My mother gave me an envolop with child drawings.
我都不记得画过这些了
I don’t remember drawing it.
这画的是一个愤怒的男人
But it’s of an angry man
裤子拉链开着 露出巨大的耸立的下♥体♥
with his pants unzipped in a gigantic erection,
指着一个小孩子吼着
yelling and pointing at a little child,
我觉得那小孩就是我
who is… I believe me.
我不太清楚在我身上到底发生了什么
I don’t know exactly what happened to me.
但我知道就算是他这样粗鲁的人
But I know as inappropriate as my dad could be,
也不会做这么可怕的事
he could never do something this terrible.
我在服药之前得吃点东西
Before I take my pills I have to just eat something,
这样我才不会呕吐
so that I don’t throw up my medicine,
昨天我把药都吐出来了
which yesterday I did.
抱歉 这有点恶心
That’s gross, sorry.
这是欣百达 治疗抑郁症和焦虑症
This is Cymbalta for depression and anxiety.
这是治疗强迫症的百忧解
This is Prozac for helping my OCD.
OCD: obsessive-compulsive disorder
地♥西♥泮♥ 也就是安定
Diazepam, which is Valium,
治疗焦虑症
for anxiety.
其他药物用来缓解
And everything else is for
这些药造成的消化问题和胃病
how bad the medicine makes my digestion and stomach.
蓝色盒子的晚上吃
The blue one is the nighttime, and the
透明的早上吃
clear one is the morning.
看得出我把盒子搞混了两次
And I can see that I have switched them twice.
因为晚上服的药多出两份
Because there are two extract nighttimes,
白天的药多出一周
and circle extra…
这些是晚上服的药
The night time medication…
这种药叫去甲替林
This is called Pamelor,
治疗偏头痛
and this is to prevent migraines.
这是再普乐
This one is Zyprexa,
我服用的抗精神病药中
and that’s
药性最强的一种
most powerful one I take antipsychotic.
它会让我变胖
Makes me fat.
不吃这种药我可能就变植物人了
I would probably be a vegetable without it.
控制胆固醇的
Cholesterol.
控制情绪的 利必通
This is moody stabilizer, Lamictal.
这又是针对胃部副作用的
And then the stomach ones again.
听我父母说
According my father and my mother,
我能握笔时就开始画画了
I was drawing since I can hold a pen.
我觉得 这是我自己缓解持续性焦虑的一种方式
It was way I believe my constant anxiety.
大多数时间 我会送画给别人
Most the time I made my art to give people,
换得他们的爱
so that it would give me some love from them.
以此来讨人喜欢
I think I use it a lot to impress people.
因为我也没什么别的方法了
Because I didn’t feel I could impress any another way.
在我四五岁的时候
And when I am four or five,
妈妈给我找了一个特别好的老师
My mother found me a wonderful teacher,
她叫桃乐茜·坎农
named Dorothy Cannon.
不知怎么
Somehow I was able to find
我竟然找到一个这么非同寻常的人
a woman who was just extraordinary.
我记得第一天见到桃乐茜时
I remember first day met Dorothy,
我以为她是个魔术师
I thought she was magician,
因为她知道我叫什么
because she knew my name.
她说 嗨 明迪
She said, Hi Mindy.
我想 这怎么可能呢？
and I thought, how is it even possible?’
她教我做纸浆模型
I learned how to paper mache,
以及各种美妙的东西
and all kind of wonderful things.
我记得她握着我的小手
I remember her take my little hands,
我们一起做了个面具
and together we made mask.
当她握住我的手时
When her hands were with my hands,
包含着那么多的爱
it was so much love.
她就像我的妈妈一样
She was very much like a mother… me.
我那时四周岁
When I was four circle old,
当她去世时 我在医院握着她的手 陪伴着她
I was hold her hand in a hospital as she passed away.
她是个慈爱的人
She was a very loving person
她希望我能不受拘束
wanted us to be free,
就像我现在的老师汤姆说的
much like my teacher Tom now,
想做什么就做什么
wants us to feel free to doing anything we want.
我最开始到汤姆这儿来的时候
When I came first to Tom,
基本处于情绪崩溃的状态
I was pretty much a basket case.
我几乎没法开口和他说话
I was barely able to speak to him.
那时我非常抑郁
I was extremely depressed.
我有个画展要做
I had a show coming up,
我害怕极了
and I was terrified.
我感觉不到和创造性之间的连结
And I had no connection to my creativity.