一路顺疯：迷幻趣事（2020）

海带怪物
Kelp monster!
我第二天醒来
Uh… The next day I woke up,
身上满是红色的伤痕
uh, covered in red welts,
因为…
um, because I had, uh…
我被这些该死的海带
been covered in sea fucking kelp
覆盖了45分钟
for 45 minutes.
我不是很喜欢吃药片 但服用迷幻剂 你会得到最狂野的迷幻体验
I don’t really dig dropping pills, but you get the wildest trip on acid.
没错 但你也可能得到最狂野的不好体验
Yeah, but you can also get the wildest bummers.
你知道街上都有四个角
You know, when there’s, like, four corners or whatever, and…
我们从小都学过 看到红绿灯
you kind of get trained by stop lights
有可以通行或禁止通行的标志
or by the walk sign and the don’t walk sign or whatever,
我记得我突然想
and I remember all of a sudden being like,
“哦 我想到那边去”
“Oh, I wanna get over there…”
与其从a到b 再到c我想
from point A, to point B, to point C, I was like,
“我可以直接从a到c”
“I could just go from point A to point C!”
这听起来很傻
And it sounds really stupid,
但迷幻剂会给我这样的想法
but it’s something acid gave me,
我这一辈子一直在服用迷幻剂 我会想
and then in my life I use it all the time, where I’m like,
“如果没人看着 我可以直接走到c点
“If no one’s looking, I can just head straight to point C,
而不用绕道到b去”
without doing this point B bullshit.”
（亚当和凯瑟琳）
（白色♥猫♥头鹰）
我叫凯瑟琳
So, I’m Kathleen,
这位是亚当 我们是夫妻 我们都是音乐人 说说你的故事
and this is Adam, we’re married, we’re both musicians. Tell yours.
我想说的故事…
My story that I wanted to tell…
不是…
isn’t…
我从来没有过坏的迷幻体验 或者不好的迷幻蘑菇体验
I’ve never had, like, a bad acid trip, or a bad mushroom trip,
比如过度惊恐
like a freak-out.
80年代末 我和三个朋友一起乘车…
Late ’80s, I was with three friends, we were driving to…
我的朋友摩尼·马克说 “你得到巴加的一个地方去”
My friend Money Mark said, “You gotta go to this place in Baja.”
我和三个女人
It’s me and three women,
在墨西哥 前不搭村 后不靠店
and we’re just, like, in the middle of nowhere, in Mexico.
我朋友说：“我有两片迷幻药
My friend was like, “Oh, I’ve got two hits of acid,
我们吃了吧”
we should take ’em.”
于是我们把药放进了果汁瓶 我们喝了下去
So we put them in a Snapple bottle, we all drank it.
轮胎爆了
And a tire blows.
我和三个女人 前不搭村 后不靠店
With me and three women, and we’re in the middle of nowhere.
我不知道怎么换轮胎 我都不知道是否有备胎
I don’t know how to change a tire, I don’t even know if there was a tire.
我说话的时候 我不知道…
You know, as I’m saying it, I don’t even know…
他不知道怎么换轮胎
I can’t believe he didn’t know how to change a tire!
我都不知道我们有没有找备胎
I don’t even know if we looked to see if there was another tire.
我们说：“这下糟糕了”
As we’re like, “This is really grim…”
一只白色的猫头鹰在我们头顶飞过
a white owl flies right above us…
我们说：“这是一个征兆…
…and we’re like, “It’s a sign.
伟大的事情要发生了”
Something great’s about to happen!”
来了两辆面包车 装满了人
These two vans filled with dudes,
都是成年人
like, grown men,
他们停了下来 我们说：“哦 太好了
pull up, and we’re like, “Oh, this is great!
哦 糟糕 好像有点奇怪”
Oh shit, this is a little weird.”
那帮人都出来了
All these guys come out,
他们围着我们的车转 查看我们…
and they’re kinda walking around the car checking us out.
你们车上有三个美女
There are three hot girls in the car.
如果我跟他们走
If I go with them,
他们会带我去见一个人 那家伙有轮胎
they’ll take me to a place… to a guy who has tires.
于是我说：“听着 我也不知道我能不能回来”
And so I’m like, “Look, I don’t know if I’m coming back, you guys.”
于是我们四个人抱在一起
So we do the four-way hug, and we’re like,
祝福好运
you know, “Good luck.”
这开了很长一段路 我们转到了山里面
And so we drive, and we drive, and we take a turn further into the mountains.
就跟电影里演的一样
It’s like it’s right out of a movie.
一帮老头围着篝火坐着
And there’s all these old dudes sitting around by a campfire.
有两间煤渣块盖的棚子
And there’s these two cinder block shacks,
我说：“是那儿吗？”
and I’m like, “Over there”
从棚子里出来一个大汉 你从没见过这么大的块头
Out of the shack comes the biggest person you’ve ever seen.
穿着连体服 没有衬衫
Overalls, no shirt,
他背着光
he’s backlit,
手里拿着一个巨大无比的榔头
with the biggest fucking hammer you’ve ever seen in your life.
我吓坏了 他们看着我更加乐了
The more I was freaking out, the more they were laughing.
他转过身 然后拿榔头砸门
He turns over and then he starts banging on the door.
他把门打开了 我说
He opens the door, I’m like…
“好了 关键时刻到了…
“Alright, this is it. This is…
要么我打败这里的所有人逃走 要么我进去看看屋子里是什么”
I try to fight everybody here to get out, or I see what’s in the room.”
灯开了 屋子里堆满了轮胎
Turns the light on, it’s filled with fucking tires.
满是轮胎
It’s filled with tires!
这是个教会团契
It’s a church group.
这两辆面包车是来自教会团契的
The two vans are from a church group.
他们给我们指路
And they led us on our way,
跟我们说这么走 那么走…
they told us, “Go back down this way…”
结局很好
Wow. It all worked out fine.
多亏了那只猫头鹰
It was the owl.
这是你的大脑
This is your brain.
这是你的大脑
This is your brain.
这是你的大脑
This is your brain.
这是你的大脑
This is your brain.
这是你嗑药时的大脑
This is your brain on drugs.
这是夹在我三文治里的你的大脑
This is your brain on my sandwich.
很好吃
Delicious.
LSD的故事总是一样的 你都见过
Always that same LSD story, you’ve all seen it.
年轻人使用了致幻剂 以为他能飞 从大楼跳下去
“Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building.
真是悲剧
What a tragedy.”
那个傻♥逼♥ 去他的
What a dick! Fuck him.
他是个傻瓜
He’s an idiot.
如果他觉得他能飞
If he thought he could fly,
为什么不先从陆地起飞？
why didn’t he take off from the ground
有很多跳楼的故事
There isn’t a lot of stories of people leaping.
这是个现象
You know, that was the thing.
很多坏事充斥着我们的耳朵
It was a lot of shit that was coming down the pipe
我们开始听这些故事 吓唬我们
when we were originally taking it, you know, to kinda scare us off.
我父母都是治疗师
Both my parents were therapists,
他们在精神病医院上班
and they worked in this, uh, psychiatric hospital.
我父母叫我不要嗑药 他们跟我说的方式就是
And I guess the way my parents telling me not to do drugs
回到家里告诉我
was by coming home and telling me
那些医院的孩子有多糟糕
how messed up the kids were at the hospital
尽管他们只磕了一次药
who did drugs only once.
我妈妈会告诉我
My mom’d be like,
“这个孩子抽大♥麻♥ 里面掺杂了苯环利定
“This kid smoked marijuana, and it was laced with PCP,
现在他疯了 他不知道该做什么
and now he’s insane, he doesn’t know what to do.
他把拳头插♥进♥了屁♥股♥ 他就是这么干的”
He puts a fist up his butt, that’s all he does.”
这就是我妈妈跟我讲的故事
That was literally a story my mom told me.
所以我不敢嗑任何药
So I had the fear of God in me about doing any sort of drugs whatsoever.
我从来没嗑过药 直到我去了阿姆斯特丹
I never did it. That is until I went to Amsterdam.
（保罗·舍尔）
（迷幻蘑菇不起作用）
嘿 我叫保罗·舍尔
Hey, I’m Paul Scheer.
接下来我要讲的故事是我变得超级嗨
And this is my story about getting ridiculously high.
我和一帮喜剧朋友去阿姆斯特丹
I went to Amsterdam with a bunch of my comedy friends to
做表演
do some shows.
“哇 阿姆斯特丹大♥麻♥是合法的…
And it was like, “Wow, Amsterdam, like, marijuana’s legal…
哇 你还可以使用迷幻蘑菇 这会很神奇
Wow! You can even do mushrooms. This will be amazing.
我们要搞一次迷幻蘑菇狂欢日”
Alright, we have to have a mushroom day.”
我们最终去了一家商店
And we finally went to a shop, and, you know,
他们把商品拿出来的方式 就像你去珠宝店买♥♥钻石
they bring them out like you would bring out diamonds at Tiffany’s.
他们有各种不同的迷幻蘑菇
They have different types of mushrooms,
我们进行挑选…
and we pick them…
我记得我选的是“夏威夷什么的”
I remember I picked something that was like “Hawaiian-something.”
我觉得跟夏威夷有关一定很酷 就像冲浪
I was like, “Hawaii, that’s cool, yeah, like surfing.
我想要这样的迷幻体验
That’s the kind of trip I want.”
于是我们决定到哪里服用这些东西
So we decided where’s the best place to do it
必须是梵高博物馆
and it would have to be the Van Gogh Museum.
于是我们去了梵高博物馆
So, we go into the Van Gogh Museum,
我们把那些迷幻蘑菇吃了…
and, you know, we’re just eating these mushrooms…
他们说：“不要一下子全吃了” “没事的”
They say, “Don’t eat the whole thing all at once, right” “Fine.”
于是我吃了那些迷幻蘑菇
So I’m eating these mushrooms.