水果硬糖

a nurse or something,but
我问我朋友 想不想帮忙阉个男人
you know, I asked my friend if she’d help me castrate a guy
她发出一阵倒胃口的声音
and, well, she made all these, like, ooky sounds,
好像我要叫她吞虫子似的
like I was asking her to swallow worms or something.
走着瞧未来八年里 谁进医学院
We’ll see who makes medical school in eight years, huh?
好了 可能你会觉得被扯了一下
All right, now, you’re gonna feel a tug,
因为我得结扎得紧一点 好吗
’cause I really gotta get this tight, all right?
所以 忍♥忍♥吧
So just… bear with me.
好
Okay…
很好
Okay.
很好 完成一半了 胜利在望
Okay, halfway through. Over the hump.
不能停手吗
Can’t you stop?
-求你了 -杰夫
– Please? – Jeff,
有些男人
some men,
终其一生也就只有一个蛋
they go through their whole lives with only one ball,
也过得好好的 不是吗
and they’re just fine, you know?
反正我是这么听说的
Or so I’ve read.
我就觉得吧
Well, I guess I figured that,
还给你留一个 就不算惩罚了你
you’re not really punished if I leave you with a spare.
别晕 别晕
Okay, stay with me. Stay with me.
没事的 没事的 杰夫
It’s okay. It’s okay, Jeff.
如果我留一个
If-if I left one,
那你走路就总也走不直了
then you’d be walking around crooked all the time.
这是最好的办法 明白吗
Look, this is for the best, all right?
你就要进入一个全新的世界了
Okay, you’re entering a whole new world now.
只要
Just gotta…
剪断 然后
snip and…
好了
Okay.
这真是一场
This seriously has to be, like,
相当容易的手术 因为
one of the easiest operations, because…
真不明白为什么女童子军要学
I wonder why they teach Girl Scouts things like
露营 卖♥♥饼干之类的事
camping and selling cookies.
我说 这才是真正有用的技能
You know? ‘Cause this is what’s really useful.
就是不知道要怎么设计奖章
I don’t know how they’d design a merit badge though.
那肯定很好玩
That’d be interesting.
丹尼斯姑姑的葬礼上 我见到了林恩
I saw Lynnie at Aunt Denise’s funeral.
我告诉她 她妈妈当年做过的事
I told her what her mom did.
她不相信我
She didn’t believe me.
如果丹尼斯姑姑就在这里 你会说什么
If Aunt Denise was here right now, what would you say?
我会说 救命
I’d say, “Help.
一个少女割了我的蛋 快报♥警♥
A teenager cut my balls off. Call the police.”
上次她就挺冷血
She wasn’t very sympathetic the last time,
我也就任你随便呼救了
so I wouldn’t really hold your breath.
好了
All right.
我会帮你取消之后几天的安排
I would cancel any appointments you have in the next few days
因为你将经历前所未有的痛苦
because you’re going to be sorer than you’ve ever been before.
我觉得可能得
Oh, I’d say, in, like,
过八♥九♥天再拆线
eight or nine days, take the stitches out,
我建议你自己做
which I suggest you do yourself
省得丢人现眼
to save embarrassment.
还有个网站 阉人问答
Oh, and there’s this website: EunuchsQuestions.Com.
阉人的拼法是e-u-n-u-c-h-s
Eunuchs is e-u-n-u-c-h-s.
我是看不太懂啦 不过上面有些很棒的建议
I had a lot of trouble with that but it gives great advice
特别针对如何面对自身的阉♥割♥
on how to deal with your castration.
你真
You really–
不用独自面对这一切的 其实
You don’t have to go through this alone, you know?
想要留点纪念吗
Do you want some souvenirs?
不要吗
No?
那行
Okay.
怎么处理这些东西呢
What should we do with them?
可以看看能弹多远
We could see how far they bounce.
话说回来
Actually…
要是让小动物误以为
we wouldn’t want, like, a little animal
这是午后小吃 就不好了
confusing it for an afternoon snack.
说真的 搞不好会让
You know? A little squirrelly
小松鼠或者郊狼生病的
or a coyote might get sick.
那就不好了
We don’t want that,
特别是 你还这么爱护自然资源
especially with you being such a conservationist.
可以用垃圾处理机磨碎了
We could grind them up in the garbage disposal.
要不然 缝回去也行
Or– or we could sew them back in.
我原来的建造课老师
I had this shop teacher once,
课上把自己大拇指锯掉了
who sawed off his thumb in class,
随后敷了一点冰
and then he grabbed some ice,
开车去了急诊室
drove to the emergency room.
当然喽 第二天他的大拇指就接回去了
The next day, sure enough, he has this thumb.
不太能弯了 但搭便车之类还是能行的
Didn’t bend so well, but he could hitchhike and stuff.
看看管用不
I’m just checking to see if it works.
大概 不是黄铜的
I guess they, uh, weren’t brass.
你没笑吗
You’re not laughing, are you?
也难怪 毕竟不是个好笑的事
Well, no wonder. This isn’t a laughing matter at all.
说不准唐娜会稍微笑笑
I don’t know. Maybe Donna’s smiling just a tad.
我没对她做什么
I didn’t do anything to her.
也许做了 也许没做
Maybe, maybe not.
建议你追踪追踪杀手
But I suggest you track down the guy who did…
因为他完全不知道要面对的是什么
’cause he has no idea what’s waiting for him.
给
Here.
你真该补补水了
You really need to rehydrate.
杰夫 拜托 喝了吧
Jeff. Please. Come on.
杰夫 我说真的
Jeff, I’m serious.
你必须 必须得喝了这杯水 好不
You really, really need to drink this, okay?
喝了吧
Come on.
真乖
Attaboy.
还想喝吗
Do you want more?
为什么现在又对我这么好
Why are you being so nice to me now?
看你可怜兮兮的
You’re pitiful now, aren’t you?
接下来日子不好过了啊
I mean, it’s going to be tricky,
不能让别人发现
not letting anyone find out about…
你不能做♥爱♥了
no more sex.
不能在公共浴室洗澡
No more taking public showers.
但总有一天 你得去体♥检♥
But one of these days you’re going to get a physical,
医生就会发现
and your doctor’s going to find out.
别担心 他不会告诉他那些高尔夫球友的
And don’t worry. He’s not going to tell his golf buddies,
他们也不会告诉他们的朋友
and they’re not gonna tell their friends,
以此类推
and they’re not gonna tell their friends.
但是几年下来 你忍♥不住要怀疑
But a couple years down the road you’re going to start wondering,
出版商知道吗
“Do your publishers know?”
你的模特们知道吗
Do your models know?
珍妮尔知道吗
Does Janelle know?
上帝啊 我出汗了
God, I’m sweating.
我要去冲个凉
Look, I’ll go take a shower
然后就会淡出你的生活
and then I’ll be out of your life, okay?
我会找到你的
I’ll find you.
别在你还被绑着的时候威胁人
Don’t make threats while you’re still tied down.
我只是说
I’m just saying–
那你想要我怎么做
What do you expect me to do about it?
我只是说说
I’m just saying.
最简单的方法
The easiest thing for me to do
就是杀掉你
would be to just kill you.
不过我已经说了不会那么做
But I already told you I’m not going to do that.
你不会那么容易解脱的 杰夫
You don’t get off that easy, Jeff.
我真的流了好多汗
I’m sweating like a pig. Seriously.
我得去冲凉了
Um…I gotta go have a shower,
回来以后我们说不定还能聊一会儿
and then when I come back later, maybe we can chat some more.
我还是完整的
I’m all here.
我还是完整的
I’m all here.
你为什么能亲眼看见
Why you can see it with your very own eyes.
快点 快点
Come on. Come on.
不
No!
操
Fuck.
特雷西
Hey, Trace.
快好了 比我想象得快多了