议事录（2019）

– ”突然死亡“
– That’s enough now
– ‘Died suddenly’
那是你和你母亲让他们发布在《泰♥晤♥士♥报♥》上的内容
”度假时突然死亡“
That’s what you and your mother had them put
in The Times. ‘Died suddenly while on holiday’
然后在周日晚上你回到了伦敦
And then on Sunday evening
you went back up to London
我不觉得你想这么干
I don’t think you want to do this
我知道你跟人打了招呼
让这个事情远离报纸，让报纸远离验尸官的报告
And I know you had a quiet word with someone.
Kept it out of the papers. Off the coroner’s report
这不需要成为什么大新闻
好吧，你当时刚得到议会的席位
No need for it to become a story.
Well, you’d just got your seat
最糟糕的是，谈论他们是使逝去的人保持鲜活的方法
Worst thing is, it’s a way of keeping people alive.
Talking about them
– 而你连这点尊重都不给他…
– 老天，戴，那是为了你
– And not to have even done him that honour…
– For Christ’s sake, Diana, it was for you
什么？
What was?
你哪怕有一次，你哪怕有一次能负起责来吗？
For once in your life. For once in your life,
take responsibility for something, will you?
你觉得你对他的照顾很好吗？
Because you think it went well?
Your version of looking after?
你给他灌输的那些情感？那些鼓励？
All that emotion you shovelled into him?
All that encouragement?
如果我们没有谈这个事，如果我确实跟谁打了招呼
And if we didn’t talk about it,
if I did have a quiet word with someone…
你能够想象那可能是为了你吗？
…can you possibly imagine
that it might have been for your sake?
”突然死亡“
‘Died suddenly’
但是这是你总在干的事，不是吗？
让你自己脱身，好吧，我受够了
But this is what you always do, isn’t it? You let
yourself off the hook. Well, that’s enough
你告诉我我是个多么危险的人
但是看看你自己
You tell me how dangerous I am.
But take a look at yourself
你做过的任何事最后都搞砸了
你接触过的任何事物
Everything you’ve ever done has gone bad.
Everything you’ve ever touched
怪不得没人愿意接近你
你问过自己那是为什么吗？
No wonder nobody comes near you.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why that is?
因为这里只有我，不是吗？
我是唯一会接近你的人
Because I’m the only person here, aren’t I?
I’m the only person who comes anywhere near you
因此，你是否能够行行好
In return for which, I wonder if you might possibly
do me the courtesy…
去换好该死的衣服
…of going and getting your fucking clothes on
我知道了
I see
– 我不是有意…
– 不，这很好，罗宾
– I didn’t mean…
– No, it’s good, Robin
这是十五年来你第一次对我坦诚相待
First honest thing you’ve said to me in fifteen years
我只是想要你去换衣服，戴，仅此而已
斯科特一家快到了
I just want you to get dressed, Di. That’s all.
The Scotts’ll be here in a minute
那就是你觉得有问题的地方？
溺爱过头的母亲
That’s what you think went wrong?
The over-loving mother
– 什么？
– 那是你在保护我免受的苛责
– Sorry?
– That’s what you were protecting me from
麻烦不要在他们来的时候还是这样
麻烦去换下衣服，这对我很重要
Please get dressed, Di. Please don’t be like this
when they come. It’s important to me
我需要有人帮我拉上拉链，所以我还没有换衣服
因为我需要有人帮忙
I needed to be zipped up. That’s why I’m not dressed.
Because I needed someone to help me
我一个人被困在这里
没人会来接近我
Stuck out here on my own.
Nobody comes anywhere near me
你做出了选择，戴
你想要的人生
You make a choice, Di.
The life you want to have
这是我的选择
我们如此挥霍的人生
This is what I chose.
This life we had. That we squandered
我记得在他还小的时候，我站在窗边向他展示
I remember standing at the window showing him.
When he was a baby
有一天，我的孩子，这些全都会是你的
当然，这很可笑，伯福德以外的半亩地
One day, my boy, all this will be yours.
Ridiculous, of course. Half an acre outside Burford
你知道为什么我对草坪那么在意吗？
You wondered
why I mind so much about my lawn?
因为那是为他准备的，不是吗？
It’s because it was for him
因为我是在为他用压路机维护这片完美的板球场
It’s because I was making this perfect wicket for him.
Back and forth with the roller
完美的场地
我以为我会在那里向我的儿子投球
Perfect cricket pitch. On which I thought I would
bowl and bowl and bowl at him, at my son
我会在半夜过去，好似那就是他想要的一样
I’d go on until the middle of the night,
if that was what he wanted
与我的父亲相反，我总是留出足够的时间陪他
Always have enough time for him.
Opposite of my father
只是那不是他想要的
我们从不亲近，从不是朋友
Only it wasn’t what he wanted.
Always far away from me. Never friends
他才十六岁
He was sixteen
他不喜欢我
He didn’t like me
以及你们两个
我确实担心过，你知道的
And the two of you.
I did worry about it. You know I did
你们之间的那些情感
我确实认为他需要变得更强硬一些，真的
All that emotion between you. I did think
he needed to be tougher. A bit of armour. I did
– 整个上午我都在外面
– 什么？
– I’d been out all morning
– I’m sorry?
午饭时间我按计划回去了
At lunchtime I came back to the house
as I said I would
– 我不明白
– 大晴天，罗宾，万里无云
– I don’t understand
– Sunny day, Robin. Cloudless sky
– 草坪延展到河边的房♥子
– 你是说…
– That house. Lawn stretching down to the water
– You mean…
我对着楼上喊道
“汤姆，我回来了”
I called up the stairs.
Tom, I said. I’m home
没有答复，这很奇怪
因为通常他会欢呼着迎接我，不是吗？
No answer. Which was strange. Because normally
he would have bounded down to me, wouldn’t he?
直到我们房♥间的门口我才看到他
It wasn’t till I got to the threshold of our room
that I saw him
现在我意识到他看起来真的是太漂亮了
无与伦比的漂亮
And now I realise that he looked incredibly beautiful.
Heart-stoppingly beautiful
我们的儿子，站在我们卧室的窗边
阳光洒在他身上
Our son, standing in the window of our bedroom,
the sun pouring in on him
你在说什么？
What do you mean?
我是说那场景没有一丝的污秽
我觉得说出这点非常重要
I mean there was nothing sordid about it.
I think that’s the most important thing for me to say
– 那很纯粹
– 我不懂
– There was something pure about it
– I don’t understand
那是我的婚裙
那条优质的灰色丝绸裙子
（going away dress，新娘离开婚礼度蜜月时穿的服装）
It was my going-away dress from our wedding.
That fine grey silk
天呐，当我回想起那一刻他的勇气
我实在是太为他骄傲了
My God, I’m so proud of him
when I think of the bravery of that moment
因为在我继续之前我必须说明白
他知道我会在午饭时间回去
Because I should say before I go on
that he knew I was coming back for lunch
也就是说，这是个揭露自我的时刻
你明白吗？
Which means, of course, that this moment
was an unveiling. Do you see?
有一瞬间我只是站在那里
不知道该怎么办
And for a moment I just stood there
not knowing what to do
然后他向我伸出了他的手
他向我伸出了他的手，说道，“你好，妈妈”
Then he held out his hands to me. He held out
his hands to me and he said, hello Mum
所以你瞧，我不得不希望那是因为震惊
So you see, I have to hope that it was the shock
– 什么？
– 惊慌
– I’m sorry?
– Panic
惊慌于是不是因为我导致他成为了这样
如同你经常说的那样
That I’d somehow done this to him.
As you always said I would
那些他可能不会拥有的事物
他可能不会拥有的孩子
All the things that wouldn’t be available to him.
The children he wouldn’t have. Possibly
因为我不得不面对的事实是
我可能感到了恶心
Because what I have to confront
is the fact that perhaps I was disgusted
你明白吗？
可能我不喜欢我优秀的儿子的样子
Do you see? Perhaps I was repulsed
at the sight of my brilliant boy
他的脸上带有我的胭脂，胸膛上有绒毛
以及嘴上带有我的口红
With my rouge on his cheeks and that first hair
on his chest and my lipstick on his mouth
– 我不想再听了
– 但是你必须听下去，罗宾
– I don’t need to know any more
– Oh but you do, Robin
因为你能了解他当时对我有多么的信任
Because you can see
how much faith he had in me in that moment
而且我们都知道我当时应该对站在那里
穿着我的裙子的他说些什么，不是吗？
And we know what I ought to have said, don’t we?
他的全部人生就那样伸展在眼前
To my boy. Standing there in my dress.
All of his life stretching out ahead of him