消失的爱人

一想起我的妻子
When I think of my wife,
我就会想到她的头颅
I always think of her head.
幻想着砸开她可爱的小脑瓜
I picture cracking her lovely skull.
好好看看她的大脑
Unspooling her brains.
想找出答案
Trying to get answers.
婚姻里最重要的问题
The primal questions of any marriage.
“你在想什么”
“What are you thinking?”
“你感觉如何”
“How are you feeling?”
“我们都对彼此做了些什么”
“What have we done to each other?”
消失的爱人
七月五日
晨
清
那间酒吧
营业
爱尔兰王子大驾光临
The Irish prince graces us with his presence.
王子陛下不想被喷湿
His majesty prefers not to be moistened.
我给你买♥♥了份礼物
I got you a present.
-我讨厌这个游戏 -你喜欢的
– I hated this game. – You loved it.
优秀策划者
喜欢的是你
You loved it.
谢谢 架子上又多了一个游戏
Thank you. I’ll add it to the collection.
能帮我倒杯波本吗
Can you pour me a bourbon?
怎么这么焦虑
What’s up, jitters?
要是你不打算说
Well, if you’re not going to talk,
那我就得再讲个闷死人的
I’m gonna have to fill the silence
马戈·邓恩的故事来打破沉寂了
with another excruciating story by Margo Dunne.
我可以跟你讲讲我最近遇上的客人
I could tell you about my recent customer service experience.
-不讲网络供应商了 -我爱听那个
– Changing Internet service providers. – I like that one.
或者上次我看到一个女人
Or how about the time I saw that woman
长得跟我朋友莫妮卡一模一样
who looked exactly like my friend Monica?
可她不是莫妮卡 完全不认识她
But it wasn’t Monica. It was a total stranger.
刚好她也叫莫妮卡是吗
Who was also named Monica.
-听起来有点意思 -挺不错的
– Made it kind of interesting. – It’s great.
我今天过得不好
I’m just having a bad day.
-艾米吗 -是结婚纪念日
– Amy? – It’s our anniversary.
-五周年 -五年了
– Five years. – Five?
时光飞逝啊
That came fast.
还来势汹汹
And furious.
我现在简直开心疯了
I’m so crazy, stupid happy.
2005年1月8日
我遇见了一个男人
I met a boy.
一个贴心 帅气 又酷毙的好男人
A great, sweet, gorgeous, cool-ass guy.
打扰一下 小姐
Excuse me, miss?
我只想提醒你一下
I just want you to be careful
你的比利时私酿纯麦啤酒不要乱放
where you put down that monk-brewed Belgian wheat beer,
因为现在这派对上
because the party’s down to
只剩下三箱破啤酒 和这瓶好酒
three beast lights and a bottle of pucker.
没准有人会来抢呢
It might attract some desperate characters.
或许吧 那些阿米什人刚成人 疯着呢
It could. I mean, the Amish are on a rumspringa.
我的冷肉拼盘吃不下去了 他们就抢走了
They already relieved me of my artisanal meat platter.
终于有人告诉我该怎么说那个词了
Finally, someone tells me how to pronounce that word.
“肉”吗
“Meat”?
对 就是”肉” 单音节
Yes, “Meat.” One syllable.
谢谢 我这喝的是谁的酒
Thank you. Whose beer am I about to drink?
别告诉我
Don’t tell me.
来看看谁是你喜欢的类型
Let’s see, who’s your type?
我觉得你不会安静地坐下听那个人
I don’t see you sitting quietly
长篇大论地讲他关于普鲁斯特的研究生论文
while he bloviates on his postgrad thesis about Proust.
马塞尔·普鲁斯特 19世纪末期法国文学家
是他吗
Is that him?
讽刺型嬉皮士 自以为是
Ironic hipster, so self-aware,
视一切为笑话
he makes everything a joke.
我喜欢幽默的人 不是滑稽
I prefer men who are funny, not “Funny.”
那你是什么型的
What type are you?
土生土长的密苏里人
Corn-fed, salt-of-the-earth Missouri guy.
密苏里吗
Missouri?
挺可爱的
Cute.
纽约本地人
Native New Yorker?
哈德森河口就是世界尽头
The world ends at the Hudson.
你叫什么
What’s your name?
艾米
Amy.
艾米 你是谁
Well, Amy, who are you?
A 我是一流的手工艺品家
A, I’m an award-winning scrimshander.
B 我是个有点影响力的小军阀
B, I’m a moderately influential warlord.
C 我给杂♥志♥写人格小测试
C, I write personality quizzes for magazines.
你这芊芊玉手肯定不是做工艺品的
Okay. Your hands are far too delicate for real scrimshaw work.
我刚好订阅了
And I happen to be a charter
小军阀周刊
subscriber to Middling Warlord Weekly.
你要真是我肯定认得出你
So I’d recognize you.
我选C
I’m gonna go with “C.”
那你呢
And you?
你是谁
Who are you?
我是来把你拯救出来的人
I’m the guy to save you from all this awesomeness.
你给男性杂♥志♥写专栏
So, you write for a men’s magazine.
老天 那你不就是男人界的专家
God, does that make you an expert on being a man?
不是 就是讲讲该穿什么 该喝什么
No. It’s, you know, what to wear, what to drink.
还有该怎么胡扯
How to bullshit.
永远不会对你胡扯
Never with you.
得了吧
Ha, ha.
不 我说真的
No, I mean it.
很难相信你
It’s hard to believe you.
为什么
Why?
可能是你下巴的缘故
I think it’s your chin.
我的下巴
My chin?
是啊 看起来像个坏人
Yeah, it’s quite villainous.
那这样呢
Okay, how’s this?
百分百真诚 绝不胡扯
A hundred percent true, no bullshit.
好吧
Okay.
我们都搬到纽约
We all move to New York,
然后就住在这些
and we end up living in
小到不能再小的小房♥间里 但还没完
these little cubby holes, and that’s not it.
一出门 你就身在其中了
Come outside. Then, you’re in it.
你一定得看看这个
You have to see this.
你好
Hey.
你好
Hey.
我现在必须吻你了
I have to kiss you now.
是吗
Is that right?
你从头甜到了脚 怎么能不吻你
I can’t let you go through a sugar storm unkissed.
等一下
Wait a second.
好了
There you go.
尼克·邓恩
Nick Dunne.
我真的很喜欢你
I really like you.
艾米是要弄个寻宝游戏
So, is Amy gonna do one of those anniversary,
纪念周年吗
treasure hunts?
你是说强行设计这么个游戏
You mean the forced march designed to prove
来证明她丈夫是个多失职不贴心的混♥蛋♥吗
what an oblivious and uncaring asshole her husband is?
“游戏人生” 我却不得要领
Life. I don’t remember the point.
玩游戏玩出挺深刻的想法啊
Deep Hasbro thoughts.
该你了
Spin.
去年把她气疯了的那条线索是什么来着
What was the clue last year she got so mad about?
“当你可怜的艾米得了感冒
“When your poor Amy has a cold,
这个甜点就一定得卖♥♥掉”
this dessert just must be sold.”
答案是什么
The answer?
我还是不知道
I still don’t know the answer, go.
几年前你肯定知道
A few years ago, you’d have known.
几年前这游戏还很有意思
A few years ago, it was fun.
第一年 纸婚纪念
Year one, the traditional gift was paper.
她送了我一个特别漂亮的笔记本
She got me a beautiful notebook.
要我去写小说
Told me to go write my novel.
你给她送了什么
What did you get her?
风筝
A kite.
-她从来不放风筝 -好吧
– She’d never flown a kite. – Okay.
那说第四年 花婚
Anyway. Year four, flowers.
她引着我去后院的枯萎玫瑰花丛