糊涂侦探（2008）

Yellowcake uranium, warheads, an entire production line.
除了糕饼店外什么都没有
There’s nothing here but what used to be a bakery.
你是说没有武器 没有辐射性
There are no weapons No radioactivity of any kind
我彻底搜查过 完全没问题
Nothing. I’ve swept the entire area, and it’s clean.
可是麦斯说他 你有亲眼看到证据吗
But Max said that he Did you see the evidence yourself
没有
No.
每次都是他自己发现证据的
No, every time he found something, he was alone.
你要我怎么处理麦斯
What do you want me to do with Max
处理麦斯 麦斯
Do with Max Max
你说的对 我是不该相信你
You were right when you said I shouldn’t trust you.
把手♥机♥给我
Give me the phone.
这是哪位 齐格菲吗
And who might this be Siegfried
哈罗 麦斯
Hello, Max.
局长
Chief
催眠瓦斯
Knockout gas, 99
拜托 我受过训练才不怕
Please. I have trained my body to be impervious to
这是新玩意儿
That’s new stuff.
噢 麦斯
Oh, Max.
（华府特区 上午7点30分）
你让我很失望 麦斯
I’m very disappointed, Max.
我以为你和我一样奉公守法
I thought you and I were supposedly cut from the same cloth.
你怎么会认为我是双面间谍
How can you think that I am a double agent
你骗我说你有测试到辐射
You lied about finding evidence of radioactivity.
你杀死柯士帝害我们不能问话
Killed Krstic before anybody could question him.
而且你拿灭火器K我的头
There’s a matter of your stoving my head in with a fire extinguisher.
我都向你道歉了
I said I was sorry. You just didn’t hear me, because you were in a mini coma.
只是你昏过去没听见
I said I was sorry. You just didn’t hear me, because you were in a mini coma.
你害天控局成为笑柄
You’ve made CONTROL a laughingstock.
副总统想要解散我们 你知道吗
The vice president wants to shut us down, you know.
天字99号♥
99.
这整个星期
This whole week
昨晚
last night
你应该很了解我
you know me.
可惜并没有
Apparently not.
我的天啊
Oh, my God
你跟麦斯在一起
You two You and Max
你说我们是同事 所以应该分手
You said we had to break up because we work together.
喔 我的天 你和天字23号♥
Oh, my God You and 23
我被肌肉男比下去了
I am so sexually threatened right now.
这里是
You have reached
美国国土安♥全♥局♥
the United States Department of Homeland Security.
欲知对本土的威胁请按一
For threats against the continental United States, press 1.
欲知对夏威夷的威胁请按二 欲知对波多黎各的威胁
For threats against Hawaii, press 2. For threats against Puerto Rico
知道吗 你是唯一醒着也能打呼的人类
You know, you’re the only human being I know who snores when he’s awake
如果你是打来
If you’re calling from a rotary
好了 今天的威胁评估
Okay, today’s threat assessment.
（国土安♥全♥局♥简报 上午10点整）
清单上有72项威胁 麦克 谢谢你 副总统先生
There are 72 threats on the list. Mike Thank you, Mr. Vice President.
好 委内瑞拉的情况每况愈下
Okay, we have a deteriorating situation in Venezuela.
阿富汗的情况每况愈下
We have a deteriorating situation in Afghanistan.
北♥韩♥每况愈下的情况呢
What about the deteriorating situation in North Korea
我正要提到北♥韩♥ 几时 下礼拜吗
I was getting to that. When Next week
对 下礼拜二 等我痛扁你以后
Yes, next Tuesday, right after I kick your ass.
各位 我们搞内哄 恐♥怖♥分♥子♥就赢了
Gentlemen, when we argue, the terrorists win.
昨晚在一个私人晚宴上
Anyway, last night at a private dinner
金♥正♥日♥统领做了一个很怪的威胁 我复述：
President Kim Jongil made a very odd threat to, and I quote
“用美国人的骨头做成布丁”
“Make a pudding from the bones of Americans.”
那家伙是疯子
That guy’s insane.
他不知道骨头很脆 不能做布丁
Doesn’t he know bones are crunchy Who’d want a crunchy pudding
战情室
War room.
我是齐格菲 盖不达集团领导人
Finally. My name is Siegfried, and I represent KAOS.
这几个月来 我们收♥购♥大批核武
Over the past few months, we have assembled a stockpile of nuclear weapons
分送给二十个独♥裁♥政♥府♥的暴君
which we have distributed to 20 unfriendly, unstable dictators.
目前盖不达集团仍握有引爆密♥码♥
For the moment, KAOS retains the bomb activation codes
如果你们不同意我的条件 我就会把密♥码♥交给他们
but we will release the codes unless our demands are met.
你有什么条件
What are your demands
下午3点整 两百兆美元
200 billion dollars by 3 p.m.
下午3点整 两百兆美元
200 billion dollars by 3 p. M
你似乎有点智障
You seem a bit slow.
有谁我可以谈的 很棒的冷笑话
Is there someone else I can talk to Good one.
听好 齐格菲 我们不和恐♥怖♥分♥子♥谈条件
Look, Siegfried, we don’t negotiate with terrorists
而且你在虚张声势 滚吧
and you’re obviously bluffing. Take a hike.
你在干嘛 别开玩笑啊
What Are you kidding me
你只顾着听布丁笑话 完全忽视可能发生的威胁
You spent the morning talking about pudding, and you ignore a credible threat
威胁 拜托 盖不达早在二十年前就被消灭
Credible Come on. KAOS has been defunct for 20 years.
中情局对盖不达集团一无所知
With all due respect, the CIA knows nothing about KAOS.
这件事必须让天控局作主
CONTROL has to be in charge here.
好让你们再炸烂一家糕饼店 大规模毁灭性松糕
Like when you bombed that bakery Muffins of mass destruction.
够了 尼克森执政之后 我就等这一刻
That’s it I’ve been waiting for this since Nixon.
开打啰 我装了心律调节器 打多久都行
Here we go. I got a new pacemaker, I can go all day
好吧 来吧
Okay Okay Come on
他们好像不相信你
It seems like they don’t believe you.
所以我要安排一个小小的示范
Which is why we’ve arranged for a little demonstration.
（天控局拘留所 下午2点整）
局长 你要见我
Chief, you wanted to see me
对 你和23号♥跟我去见总统
Yes. You and 23 are coming with me to see the president.
不能打电♥话♥吗 会被副总统拦截
Can’t you call him Vice president won’t let me through.
我不敢相信我们要去洛杉矶
I can’t believe we have to go all the way to Los Angeles.
为什么总统从来就不留在华府
Why is the president never here
局长 我想不管他做什么 都是为了国家
I’m sure whatever he’s doing is vital to the nation.
“晚安 月亮”
“Good night, moon.
“晚安 跳过月亮的乳牛”
Good night, cow jumping over the moon.”
我想 如果你当我老师一定逊爆了
Actually, I think you would suck as my teacher.
那就
Well, from wh
姓史的 生日快乐
Hey, Smart. Happy birthday.
我好胖哦
I’m fat
两位好
Gentlemen.
很好 让我发痒的毯子
Oh. Good, the itchy kind.
我的最爱
My favorite.
这条毯子也会害我得水痘吗
Does this one also have smallpox
还有一颗人类的牙齿
And that was a human tooth.
美国40金曲榜 莱恩为你主持
American Top 40. With Ryan Seacrest.
有位叫达莉的小姐想把这句话
Here’s a sweet dedication from a little lady named Dalip.
说给她的男友麦斯听
It’s to her boyfriend, Max.
快到洛城找我 事情会像核弹爆♥炸♥一样火热
“Meet me in L.A. Things will be very hot. Nuclear hot.”
不知道 如果我是麦斯 就会马上赶去洛城
I don’t know, if I were Max, I would get myself to L.A.
喂 笨警卫
Hey Dumb guards
何不过来一下 让我帮你们洗泰国浴
Why don’t you come in here so I can make you my pretty little girlfriends.
保证几个礼拜都不必洗澡
You’ll have to shower for weeks
而且身上一直会有我的味道
But you will never get the smell off
你们看起来很生气
You two seem very angry.
谢谢你 再来一拳吧
Thank you, sir, may I have another
开玩笑的啦
I was kidding.
94368.
94368.
慢慢转过身
Turn around slowly.
你们得相信我 我不是双面间谍
Guys, you have to believe me. I am not a double agent.
我们也不觉得你是 是啊 我们超挺你的
We never thought you were. Yeah, we love you, man.
那你们干嘛耍狠 拿枪指着我
Then what’s with the firearm and the freakshow expressions
因为有监视摄影机
For the security cameras.
我们若故意放你走 一定会被开除
If it looks like we let you go, we’d totally get fired.
我明白了
Got it.
局长和99号♥呢
So where are the Chief and 99
他们飞到洛杉矶找总统
They flew to L.A. To talk to the president.
我得在有人阻止我之前 赶快逃出这地方
I need to get out of here before someone stops me.
我建议你撂倒我们 好主意
Overpower us. Good idea.
布鲁斯 我要K你的脸
Bruce, I will smash you in the face.
谢谢你 洛伊德 我要把你揍到屁滚尿流
Thank you. Lloyd, I’ll simulate your disembowelment.
预备 一
Ready One
我都还没揍你 等我挥拳再演啦
Not yet I haven’t punched yet. React when I punch.
哦耶 一
Oh, yeah. One
二 三
two, three.
倒错边了 等一下
Wrong way. Okay, wait.