污垢

人们问我
People ask me,
卡洛 你和布鲁斯
“Carole, how do you and Bruce
是如何让婚姻充满激♥情♥的
keep the spice in your marriage?”
我告诉他们 很简单
Well, I tell them it’s really simple.
只要全力挑逗他
I’m just the ultimate tease.
我和布鲁斯其实很像
Me and Bruce, we’re not that different.
都清楚自己要什么
We know what we want
也知道如何达到目的
We know how to get it.
比如他在争取的这次晋升
Like this promotion he’s going for.
我们都知道他会胜出
We both know he’ll win.
等到他成功那天
And when he does,
罗伯森一家
the Robertson household
将再次成为欢乐幸福的大家庭
is gonna be one big happy family again.
我没开玩笑
I kid you not.
吉米
Jimmy!
你♥他♥妈♥刚叫我什么
What did you just fucking call me?
把钱交出来就行了 小子
Just give us your money, mate.
他妈的快点
Fucking hurry up!
操♥你♥妈♥的
Fucking…
撤
Scatter.
苏格兰
Scotland.
这里诞生了电视 蒸汽机 高尔夫
This nation brought the world television, the steam engine, golf,
威士忌 青霉素 当然了
whisky, penicillin and, of course,
还有深度油炸巧克力棒
the deep fried Mars bar.
身为苏格兰人真是无上荣耀
It is great being Scottish.
我们是如此出类拔萃的成功民族
We’re such a uniquely successful race.
正如我老婆卡洛所说
And as my wife Carole always says,
“世上无处胜家园”
“There’s no place like home.”
你好吗 布鲁斯 谢了
You all right, Bruce? Thanks, pal.
日籍学生被杀
游戏总在继续 大家都是玩家
The games are always, repeat, always, being played
但我跟别人玩法不一样
but nobody plays the games like me,
我是布鲁斯·罗伯森警司
Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson,
很快就是布鲁斯·罗伯森探长
soon to be Detective Inspector Bruce Robertson.
人总得努力做到最好 正如我一样
You just have to be the best, and I usually am.
游戏规则照旧
Same rules apply.
搞什么
What the fuck?
早
Morning.
好了
Right.
被害人是一名日籍男子
Our victim is a Japanese male
二十多岁 怎么了 彼得
in his early 20s… Yes, Peter?
抱歉 老大 就是个小细节
Sorry, boss, just a wee point.
是不是暂时先别把他定为受害者呢
Maybe we shouldn’t stigmatise the guy by calling him a victim.
反正这可怜的亚洲佬已经挂了
Poor wee chinky bastard’s dead.
现在称作什么都没关系
Doesn’t matter what you call him now.
能分享下你在看的笑话吗 道吉
Care to share the joke with us, Dougie?
道吉·吉尔曼是最常见的苏格兰警♥察♥
Dougie Gillman is your average Scottish copper.
要是在60年前的荣耀德意志帝国
Sixty years ago in the glorious fucking Reich,
你们都会被做成手包
you’d be turned into handbags!
赔率5比1 吉尔曼是我晋升路上
At 5/1, Gillman poses a serious challenge
的重要障碍
to my promotion prospects.
所以跟其他人一样 必须得铲除他
So he, like the others, will have to be eliminated,
但首先要除掉的
starting with my main rival
是我的主要竞争对手 彼得·英格利斯
for the inspector’s job, Peter Inglis.
英格利斯就是所谓的都市丽男
Inglis is what they call metrosexual…
但我觉得就他妈是个娘炮 赔率2比1
but what I call a fucking bufty. 2/1.
虽然没有找到身份证件
There was no positive ID,
但是伦诺克斯警官已经勘察过案发现场
but DS Lennox has been down at the murder scene.
雷·伦诺克斯是局里的新人
Ray Lennox, the department’s rookie
但也是个瘾君子
and resident junkie.
我爱死这些了
I love the chang!
虽然对伦诺克斯来说
Even though Lennox is more interested in
上了办公室秘书
trying to bang the office secretary
比任何工作升迁都有趣
than any kind of career advancement,
但是对他的公开羞辱还是势在必行的
he’ll still have to be publicly humiliated.
赔率20比1
20/1.
根据目前的法规
Official policy at the moment is…
什么事 格斯
Yes, Gus?
目前我党的路线是什么 老大
What is the party line, boss?
格斯·贝恩 基本没威胁
Gus Bain, bit of a long shot
因为他在局里一直平淡无闻
because he’s not the sharpest tool in the box.
老师 我买♥♥了个新牙刷
I’ve got a new toothbrush, miss!
但也从没听说过低智商
But then, when did a single-figure iQ
会影响一个人在警局的发展啊
hold anybody back in the police force?
赔率7比1
7/1.
请参考德拉蒙德警探马上给大家下发的
In accordance with the description which Detective Drummond
书面报告
will presently hand out to you.
-谢谢 鲍勃 -“谢谢 鲍勃”
– Thanks, Bob. – “Thanks, Bob.”
要是托尔给马屁精阿曼达·德拉蒙德升职
That arse-kissing Amanda Drummond
她肯定立马帮他口出来
would suck Toal off right now if he promoted her.
当然了升职对她也没什么好处
Not that it would do her any good, of course,
因为局里那些屌♥丝警♥察♥
because some sad wanker from uniform
肯定会把这小骚货肚子搞大
is gonna impregnate the wee slag
那样她就不能
and that’ll be her stint at
跟卡格尼还有莱西尽情爽了
playing Cagney and fucking Lacey well and truly over.
赔率10比1
10/1.
作为连接南北的脐带
The umbilical cord that connects the north and south…
脐带
Umbilical cord?
上次还说是个通道呢 你个臭傻♥逼♥
The last time I looked it was a tunnel, you fucking clown.
爱丁堡有个公开秘密就是
Edinburgh’s worst kept secret is that
局长鲍勃·托尔立志成为编剧
Chief Inspector Bob Toal here has ambitions as a screenwriter.
一派胡言
第12稿
作者
罗伯特·托尔
要是这个死胖子能少做点好莱坞梦
If that lazy, fat fucker spent less time dreaming about Hollywood
多多提拔我
and more time promoting me,
那么这里的治安会更出色
then the streets would be safer for everybody.
之后他们把他当成垃圾一样 扔下不管
And they left him there, lying like a pile of rubbish.
-或许他本就是垃圾呢 -什么
– Maybe he was rubbish. – What?
当然是对那些袭击者而言
To the assailants, of course.
对 没错
Aye, that’s it.
言听计从也许会让老大印象深刻
Your docile chat might impress the boss,
但对我的宿醉来说屁用没有
but it doesn’t impress my fucking hangover.
我想给这群蠢驴传达的信息就是
I have got news for this herd of donkeys.
如果只有一匹马能赢得这场比赛
There is only one horse can win this race
那就是我 种马布鲁斯·罗伯森
and that horse is Bruce the Stallion Robertson.
好了 大家去查案吧
Right, crack on with it.
-留个步 布鲁斯 -是 老大
– Quick word, Bruce. – Yes, boss?
探长位置有人填补之前
Things are pretty stretched around here
大家办事都有点散漫
until we get the new DI position filled.
我想让你带头查这案子
I want you to head up the case.
虽然还有我在 但我还有其他事要忙
I’ll be around, but I’ll be tied up with other stuff.
所以虽然享受不到探长的待遇
So, you’ll effectively be acting inspector,
但可以先充分体验下探长的工作
without the remuneration of course.
很遗憾你所有的休假都得取消了
All leave, unfortunately, will be cancelled,
不过这对你的升迁也有好处
but it’ll stand you in good stead for the promotion
因为你会比其他竞争者更占优势
because you’ll have the other contenders under you.
对女人来说
There’s really nothing more seductive
没什么比权力更具诱惑力了
to a woman than power.
所以 等布鲁斯成功晋升之后
So, when Bruce gets his promotion,
我肯定舍不得放他下床
I won’t be able to keep my hands off him.
罗伯森探长
Detective Inspector Robertson.
光这头衔就让我现在就想要了他
Even the sound of it makes me want him right now.
你就不担心现在这种时候去汉堡
Are you not worried if you bugger off to Hamburg
会影响你晋升吗
it’ll go against you for the promotion then?
-晋升 -对啊
– Promotion? – Aye.
要不然呢 雷
What’s the alternative, Ray?
难道我要牺牲所有假期就只为调查
I give up my holidays
那个被人弄死的
for some murdered Jap,
吃寿司唱K傻♥逼♥神风特攻队的小日本吗
kamikaze, sushi-eating, karaoke bastard?
怎么可能
No chance.
不过你老婆卡洛还真是体贴啊 罗伯