阿呆与阿瓜2

First of all, my bedspread was orange.
你还好吗
Are you okay, honey?
不太好
No, not really.
和男朋友吵架
Boyfriend trouble?
不是 我要有票才能进去
No. I need a ticket to get in
结果票不见了 通行证也不见了
and I lost the ticket that they need to take, plus, I lost my pass.
我以为我有带
And I thought that I grabbed it,
但我包包里
but when I looked in my purse,
只有牙刷 所以我可能是
all I saw was the toothbrush. So maybe I took…
好了啦
Okay, okay, okay.
好了
All right.
到底怎么回事
What’s going on?
我爸要领酱
My father’s supposed to be getting a huge reward,
我要发表演讲
and I’m supposed to be making the speech,
说眼看我就要上台演讲了
and the speech is supposed to start right now,
我没有票他们不让我进去
and there’s no way they’ll let me in without a ticket.
总会有办法的
Oh, honey. There is always a way.
我承认这是发人深省
I admit, it’s thought-provoking.
解决全球饥饿问题的发明
An invention that ends world hunger.
但你有没有想过
But, have you considered this,
多出来的便便要堆在哪里
where does all the extra poop go?
什么 不是啦
What? No.
重点是不再有人挨饿
The point is that there’s no more hunger.
抱歉 各位
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
我们休息片刻
We’re gonna take a very brief break.
请留在座位上
Uh, please stay in your seats
我们马上继续
and we will resume, uh, shortly.
为什么
Why?
我们出去散散步
We’re gonna have to take a walk.
-走吧 -我在评审耶
-Come on. -I’m judging.
-你给我出去 -好啦
-You’re out of here. -Okay!
你出去
You’re out.
品太太
Mrs. P,
你怎么来了
what are you doing here?
你都叫你老婆”品太太”吗
Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?
你好吗 宝贝 我好想你
How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.
这个人是骗子
This man is a fraud.
那个包裹是我丈夫的
And that box belongs to my husband.
被他偷走了
He stole it from us.
交出来吧
Hand it over, buddy.
我发过誓要亲手把包裹交给佩妮
Uh-uh. I swore I’d only give this box to Penny.
-包裹给我 -给你
-Give me the box! -Here you go.
-怎么回事 -我不知道
-What’s happening? -I have no idea.
你给我回来
Hey, hey! Get back here!
让开
Out of my way!
谢谢你
Thanks a lot, lady!
这是我最起码能做的
It’s the least I could do.
我有件事要告诉你
There’s something I need to tell you.
你是我的…
You’re my…
好吧 我来这里是因为…
Okay. The reason I’m here is…
芙蕾妲
Fraida!
哈利
Harry?
你来了
You made it! Oh!
你找到佩妮了
Oh, and you found Penny.
你怎么知道我叫…
Hey, how do you know my…
你就是哈利
Oh! You’re Harry?
对 我是你妈妈
Yes! And I’m your mother!
他手上有枪
He’s got a gun!
你干嘛站在马桶里
Why you standing in the toilet?
不让你看到我的脚
So you wouldn’t see my feet.
那你怎么不站在马桶上
Why not just stand on the rim?
上面都是阴毛
There’s ball hairs all over that thing.
我又不笨
I’m not stupid.
滚出来
Get out of there! Move it!
快点
Now!
请你不要伤害佩妮 品太太
Please don’t hurt Penny, Mrs. P.
她还年轻 未来还有大好前程
She’s young and still has most of her future ahead of her.
去拿包裹
Get the box.
哈利找到你了
Harry! There you are!
还好你嗓门大
Good thing you’re loud.
品太太 你在干嘛
What are you doing, Mrs. P?
我要杀了你
I’m about to kill you.
等一下
Wait, wait, wait!
你不能杀别人吗
Can’t you kill someone else?
我女儿佩妮现在需要我
My daughter, Penny, needs me now.
罗伊 你在胡说什么 佩妮是我女儿
What are you talking about, Lloyd? Penny’s my daughter.
哈利 她不是你女儿
No, Harry, she isn’t.
什么
What?
你怎么会以为她是你女儿
Why would you think that she’s your daughter?
因为那张明信片
Because of the postcard.
我是单亲妈妈 我需要钱
I was about to be a single mom and I needed money.
你跟我借四十美元
And you owed me 40 bucks
去开虫虫农场
from that stupid worm farm loan.
这是真的 哈利
It’s true, Har.
我才是失职的爸爸 不是你
I’m the deadbeat dad, not you.
我是佩妮的未婚爸爸
I’m Penny’s baby-papa.
但你在骂我之前先看看这个
But don’t judge me till you see this.
放在冰桶里的啤酒
Oh, yeah, like a cooler of cold brewskies
也弥补不了啦
is gonna make everything okay!
这不是啤酒 是我的肾
It’s not beer, it’s my kidney!
你的肾
Your kidney?
我想
I figured
既然佩妮不能捐肾给你
since you can’t get one from Penny,
那我就捐我的给你
I’d give it to you myself.
我的妈呀
Holy shit.
你是怎么摘肾的
How did you get this?
我越过边界去了墨西哥
I crossed the border into Mexico.
结果那里的法规比美国松多了
Turns out, the medical regs are a little more chill down there.
抱歉打个岔 关我屁事啊
Pardon me for bringing this up, but I don’t give a shit!
罗伊 她也不是你女儿
Yeah, but, Lloyd, she isn’t your daughter either.
最好是啦 芙蕾妲
Nice try, Fraida,
佩妮念那封信给我听了
but Penny read me the letter.
吞鲍湾的事我都知道了
I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove,
你就是开车载我去那里的
which is exactly where you took me in the van!
那又怎样
So?
我都带男人去那里
That was my spot.
大概带了好几百个去过吧
I must have taken hundreds of guys there.
我能说什么
What can I say?
我是泰坦尼克号♥级的荡♥妇♥
I was a titanic whore.
少废话了
That’s enough bullshit.
动手 里平考 杀了他们
Go ahead, Lippincott, kill them.
我会的
Oh, I will.
不如你也去和他们作伴吧
But first, why don’t you join them.
什么
What?
你听见了 把枪丢掉
You heard me. Drop it!
过去 快点
Get over there! Get over there!
开什么玩笑 她改和我们一帮了
You’re kidding. She’s on our team now?
别这样 里平考
Don’t do this, Lippincott.
你是军人
You’re a military man.
我知道你是个正直的人
I know you’ve got more integrity than this!
这是什么
What is this?
两个杯子蛋糕
Two cupcakes?
本来是四个杯子蛋糕
Actually, there were four cupcakes, sir.
-我吃了两个巧克力的 -罗伊
-I ate the two chocolate ones. -Lloyd!
没关系 我留了香草的给全人类
It’s okay. I left the vanilla ones for humanity.
那个发明在哪儿
Where’s the invention?
那个他妈的十亿美元的发明在哪里
Where’s the goddamn billion-dollar invention?
把枪放下不许动
Put the gun down! Freeze!
把枪放下 里平考
Put the gun down, Lippincott!
大家好
Well! Hello.
爸