不要抬头（2021）

two hours, 11 minutes and 41 seconds,
一颗希克苏鲁伯陨石两倍大的彗星
until a comet twice the size of Chicxulub
会撕破我们的大气层 灭绝地球上所有生物
tears through our atmosphere and extincts all life on Earth.
你什么时候算的？
When did you do those calculations?
我把撞击时刻记在减肥应用里了
I put the moment of impact on a diet app.
我的减肥周期结束 撞击就会发生
So, impact is when my diet ends.
只不过我没有在减肥 我只是一天哭五次而已
Only I’m not on a diet. I’m just crying five times a day.
-我很害怕 -嘿 过来
-I’m scared. Hey, come on. Come on.
现在大家都应该很恐慌 好吗？
Everyone should be panicking right now, okay?
-别哭 拜托 -我知道
-Don’t cry. Come on. I know.
那个混♥蛋♥！
That prick!
（你认识那个 说我们都要死了的疯女人吗？）
（我和她睡过）
怎么了？
What happened?
我男朋友好像刚跟我分手了
Guess my boyfriend just broke up with me.
天啊 今天真难熬
-God, what a day. What a day…
你会死的！你也会死的！你也…
You’re gonna die! You’re gonna die! You’re…
起因是一张被很多人看成腋下
It started with a photo many thought was an armpit
或是长着奇怪胡须的男人下巴的照片
or the chin of a man with a strange beard.
结果竟是一桩丑闻…
But what’s emerging now is a scandal…
奥尔林总统给一位最高法♥院♥提名人
President Orlean sent her Supreme Court nominee
发送了自己私处的手♥机♥照片
a cell phone picture of her private parts.
-天啊！ -这是骗点击的玩意
-Holy crap! It’s clickbait material.
你们国家想要的是这种领导人吗？
Is this what you want in your country as a leader?
她不就是那个跟穷♥人♥说
Isn’t she the same person who told poor people
不想受穷 就选个好点的彩票号♥码的人吗？
that if they don’t wanna be poor, they should pick better lottery numbers?
她真的说过
She actually said that.
还有线人和我说
A source also confirmed to me that
这两人偷♥情♥多年了
the two have been having an affair for years.
就在昨天…
And as recently as yesterday…
我党成员正在起草 针对总统的正式谴责
Members of my party are currently drawing up a formal censure
贾妮奥尔林…
of the president, Janie Orlean…
哦 天啊 亲爱的
Oh, my God, honey.
这个人连日心轨道是什么都不知道
This guy doesn’t even know what a heliocentric orbit is,
他还管我叫怪人
and he’s calling me a crackpot.
他说
He says that,
“犹太富豪编造了这个彗星威胁
“Jewish billionaires invented this comet threat
好让政♥府♥没收我们的自♥由♥和枪♥支♥”
so the government can confiscate our liberty and our guns. ”
“话题标签 别害怕” 难以置信
“#DontBeScared. ” Unbelievable.
我的天
My God.
你最近总看这个网站
You’ve been on that site a lot lately.
是啊 亲爱的 我有25万订阅用户
Yeah. I mean, I… I have, like, a quarter million subscribers, honey.
我得用自己的声音传播真♥相♥ 对吧？
I gotta use my voice to get the truth out there, right?
我要去散步 一起来吗？
I’m, uh, going for a walk if you wanna come.
这叫科学方法 就是科学方法创造了电脑
It is called the scientific method… …and it is what created the computer
结果你用电脑来打字 传播你那愚蠢的阴谋论
that you are typing your half-witted conspiracy theories on.
你觉得如何？
What do you think about that?
兰德尔？
Randall?
-怎么了 亲爱的？ -有人找你
-Yeah, honey? Someone’s here to see you.
谁？哦 天啊
Who? Oh, boy.
哦 我的天
Oh, my gosh.
哦 老天 好吧
Oh, God, right. Okay.
好
Right.
你是兰德尔明迪博士？
Are you Dr. Randall Mindy?
是我 先生
Yes, sir. I am.
“我们都会死”
“We’re all gonna die. ”
滚开
Fuck off, please.
联邦调查局！不许动！ 马上跪下！跪下！
FBI! Freeze! Get on your knees right now! Get on your knees!
你因泄露国♥家♥机♥密♥被捕了
You’re under arrest for breach of national security secrets.
老天爷啊！
Jesus Christ!
你们打电♥话♥给我或者去我家就好了
You could’ve just called me or showed up to my apartment.
你这是干什么 打扮成盲人？
What are you, dressed up as a blind guy?
-趴在地上！ -好 冷静点
Get on the ground! Okay. Now be cool.
我只是肤色比你深一点而已
I just have more skin pigmentation than you.
因为你的祖先迁徙到了北欧
‘Cause your ancestors migrated to Northern Europe
进化出了更浅的肤色 为了…
and developed lighter skin so as to not get…
除非你们这些混♥蛋♥要带我去蝙蝠洞
Unless you assholes are taking me to the Batcave,
不然去你♥妈♥的♥ 竟给我戴头套
fuck you for putting this hood on me.
提防他一点 他会拿免费的东西来向你收钱
Watch out for him. He’ll charge you for free shit.
他来干什么？他跟我们一起的吗？
What’s he doing here? Is he here for us?
先生们 可以进来了
Gentlemen, you can come in.
我想应该是温斯顿丘吉尔…
I think it was Winston Churchill who…
或者是鲍勃奈特说过 “伟大的领导力会令
Or maybe it was Bobby Knight who said, “The great labor of leadership
自尊的束缚得到解脱
is to lay down one’s yoke of pride
犯过的错误得到承认”
and admit that mistakes were made. ”
你们被误导了 我也是
You were deceived, as was I,
但结果是这样的 我们找了
but the end result was, we had our scientists who went to
哈佛、普林斯顿等名校毕业的科学家
, uh, the prestigious schools of Harvard, Princeton, et cetera.
确认了这些数据
They confirmed the data.
我们想向你们
So we would like to offer you a…
表示来自总统的歉意
presidential apology.
-真的吗？ -你听到了吗？
Really?
我们已经完全准备好动员起来
And we are fully prepared to mobilize
以前所未有的方式拯救地球
in historic fashion in order to save this planet.
这是这么长时间以来 听到的最好的消息
The best news we’ve heard in a long time.
你的意思其实是 你就要输掉中期选举了
So, basically, what you’re saying isyou’re about to lose the midterms ’cause you got caught
因为你被抓到发私密图
sending pictures of your cooch
给你的毛♥片♥主演警长男友
to your porn-star sheriff boyfriend.
所以现在对彗星采取行动 对你有好处？
So now it’s to your advantage to act on the comet?
对的
Right.
好吧
Okay.
好 我只是…
Okay. I’m just…
天啊 你们总算要做点什么了 我松了口气
God, I’m so relieved that you guys are doing something.
-嘿 过来 嘿 -这真的…
-Hey, come on. Hey. This has been really…
-真的很难熬 -过来
Really, really hard. Come here.
这对我们来说都太有压力了
This has been really, really, really stressful on all of us.
是 我同意
Yes, I will agree.
这让我们所有人都如释重负…
This will take some heavy weight off all of us–
抱歉 你哭起来太难看了
Sorry, you just look so bad when you cry.
也许
Maybe, possibly.
人们会问我们为什么没有早点行动
People are gonna ask why we didn’t act earlier.
这事你要背锅
So you’re gonna have to take the hit on this one.
对 但我们将来会照顾好你的 乔斯林
Yeah, but we’ll take care of you down the road, Jocelyn.
-我们会的 -当然 贾妮
-We will. Of course, Janie.
我明早就会引咎辞职
I will resign in disgrace first thing tomorrow.
-很好 -太奇怪了
Good. Yeah, good. That’s weird as hell.
她是个麻醉师
She’s an anesthesiologist.
我会发声明
I’m going to make a statement,
向美国人♥民♥发一份总统声明
presidential statement to the American people.
我们不会提前告诉媒体
And we’re not gonna tell the press about it ahead of time
因为这样看起来就会像
because that way it will have the appearance
突发的紧急情况…
of a breaking emergency sort of…
有耐心的人总会等到好事
Good things come to those who wait.
你看？
See? Whoo!
哦 我的天！
Oh, my God!
（紧急广播系统）
我们打断《金龟婿》的播出
We interrupt this broadcast of Jackpot Fiancé
插播一条来自美国总统的紧急信息
for an emergency message from the president of the United States.
美国公民以及全世界人♥民♥们
Citizens of the United States and peoples of the world,
我刚收到
I have just been handed
一份科学发现 证实了一个最糟糕的情况
scientific findings that confirm a worst-case scenario.
一颗九公里宽的前所未有的彗星
An unprecedented comet, nine kilometers wide,
现在正向我们宝贵的家园地球撞来
is now on a direct collision course with our cherished home, planet Earth.
预计到达时间约为五个月后
Estimated time of arrival is approximately five months from now.
所以我们…
So we have…
我们已经做好了 一份巨额国会开支账单…
We’ve drawn up a massive Congressional spending bill…
我已经为国会 准备了一份紧急开支方案…
I have already put together an emergency spending package for Congress…
…参议院及众议院均已通过
…that the Senate and the House have agreed upon.
很好
That’s good to hear.
这将支持美国国家航♥空♥航♥天♥局 和我们伟大的军队
And that will enable NASA and our great military
发起一次抢先撞击
to launch a preemptive strike,
利用退役的航♥天♥飞机和卫星
using decommissioned space shuttles and satellites