怒犯天条（1999）

Yes, what?
那时路西华要开始攻打王座
Well, Lucifer just had to start his little war for the throne.
天堂分成了两派
Heaven became divided into two factions,
拥护者 和叛逆者
the faithful and the renegades.
天界因为战争变得一片混乱
Oh, the Ethereal Plains were chaotic with battle.
天使打天使
Angel against angel.
一切结束之后 上帝把叛逆者都打入了地狱
And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition.
可死神却拒绝加入战斗
But Azrael refused to fight.
他保持中立 静观哪一方将会胜出
He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
你到底是谁 一个该死的胆小鬼
What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
不
No.
那时我是个艺术家
I was an artist
蠢蛋
stupid!
那时我是灵感
I was inspiration!
战斗是不关缪斯的事的
A muse has no place in battle.
在那些叛军被罚下地狱后
So after the fallen were banished to Hell
就轮到了那些没有参与战斗的
God turned on those that wouldn’t fight
死神与恶魔们一起被送往了地狱
and Azrael was sent down with the demons
对此他觉得极为不公
something he considers a great injustice.
拜托
Oh, come on.
别说你从来没对裁决有所置疑过 赛伦提比蒂
Don’t tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
没有 我从没烦过这件事
No. It never bothered me.
所以你那时是个艺术家
So you were an artist.
那又怎样
Big deal!
猫王也是个艺术家
Elvis was an artist
可那并不妨碍他在战争时期去参军啊
but that didn’t stop him from joining the service in time of war.
所以他被称为王者
That’s why he is the king
而你是个呆瓜
and you’re a schmuck.
很好
Nice.
所以这一切都是为了复仇
So all this is about revenge.
只因为你对上帝有所不满 就打算毁掉整个世界
You’re gonna unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
在过了一百万年后的现在 不
After the first million years? No.
逃离地狱成为了我不计一切代价的动机
Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason.
所以我研究宗教 等待著我的机会自己降临
So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself
现在它终于来了
which it finally did
就在天主教义中
in Catholicism.
集体宽恕
Plenary indulgence.
但我没法自己去做
But I couldn’t exercise it.
魔鬼没法变成人类
Demons can’t become human.
我们没法转换形态
No, we can’t transubstantiate.
但是天使可以
But angels can.
巴特比和洛基
Bartleby and Loki.
接下来就很简单了 只要等著教堂
After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church
庆贺他们的一百周♥年♥庆♥典就行了
to celebrate their centennial
当这一切真的开始进行的时候
and when that finally happened
我就把一篇有透露这个主意的报道寄给了那两个家伙
I sent the pair an article laced with ideas.
我随便用了点法术
An incantation I picked up in the pit
就掩盖了他们的行踪 避开了天堂的监视
kept them cloaked and off Heaven’s radars.
除了这里的三人组和各各森
And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan
地狱里没人知道发生了什么事
no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on.
可是天父还是能够察觉到的
But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal
所以我就用了个很巧妙的法子把他解决了
so I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion.
是她 怎么做到的
Her. And how?
这是我唯一想不出来的事
That’s the only thing I couldn’t figure out.
不能说 我可看过太多的007电影 所以知道
Oh, no, I’ve seen way too many Bond movies to know
绝不能把自己计划的所有细节都讲出来
That you never reveal all the details of your plan
不管你认为自己离胜利有多近
no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
唯一没有预想到的因素就是
The only X factor was
连最后的后裔也被牵扯进来了
the involvement of the last scion here.
但也没起什么作用 不是吗
But fat lot of good that did, right?
我是说 你们现在全在这里了
I mean, here you all are.
无力再去阻止这不可避免的一切了
Powerless to stop the inevitable.
听著 混♥蛋♥ 我不知道有没有人跟你解释过
Look, asshole, I don’t know if anyone explained the rules to you
但一旦你成功了 一切都会毁灭 即使你也一样
but if you succeed everything gets blinked out of existence, even you.
人类 你去过地狱吗
Human, have you ever been to Hell?
我想没有
I think not.
我宁愿消失也不想再回去那里
I’d rather not exist than go back to that.
就算大家都得和我一切玩儿完 也没关系
And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
还是只会想到你自己
Still thinking only about yourself
你这个幼稚的家伙
you fucking child!
现在呢
Now, now, now.
这里的局面开始有些太过紧张了
Things are getting too intense in here.
我们来看点电视怎么样
Hey! What say we watch a little TV?
转到第九频道
Yo, put on channel 9.
有戴维和哥利亚
Davey and Goliath.
事实上 我想我们应该更关注下时事
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events.
我再重复一遍 长有巨大羽翼的男人们
I repeat, men with huge fucking wings
正在圣米迦勒教堂前大肆屠♥杀♥
have laid waste to St. Michael’s!
子弹对他们似乎无效
Bullets don’t seem to affect them!
现场还活著的人们纷纷下跪
The remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees
认为这就是传说中的天启
identifying this as the fabled apocalypse.
我并不是个信教的人 但我现在也有些同意这说法
Now, I’m not a man of faith, but I’m inclined to agree.
上帝 求您了
Oh, God, please,
不要再过来了 上帝 不要
don ‘t come any closer! God, no!
看到了 我告诉过他们要保持低调的
You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile.
不把我当回事啊 不过只要再过几分钟也就无关紧要了
I ‘d be pissed, but in a couple minutes it’s not going to matter anyway.
现在那是怎么回事啊
Oh, now what was that all about?
什么
What?
没什么
Oh, nothing.
我的眼睛里进东西了
I had something in my eye.
现在是谁太幼稚啊
Now who’s the fucking child?
你跟他讲了些什么啊 赛伦提比蒂
What did you tell him,
用这只高尔夫球棍打我吗
to hit me with the golf club?
你不是在说笑吧 我可是个魔鬼啊
Are you serious? I’m a fucking demon.
你想让他用一只球杆就打败我
You’d have him assault me with a putter?
你想试试吗 那我们就来试试吧
You want to play? Then we’ll play.
一边, 红色
One side, Red.
那么来吧 把它拿起来
Go ahead, then. Pick it up.
就当是个礼物
Call it a gift.
来吧
Come on.
就是这样
That’s it.
挥一杆吧
Take a shot.
挥出你最好的一杆
Take your best fucking shot.
真的 我没开玩笑 拿住它 来吧
Seriously. I’m not kidding. Take it. Come on.
来吧 小伙子
Come on, bright boy.
难道你什么都不懂吗
Don’t you know anything?
贝萨妮 给水池施以祝福
Bethany, bless the sink!
-什么 -照做就是了
-What? -Just do it!
给水池施以祝福 该死的
Bless the sink, damn it!
这是你们自找的 混帐东西
That’s what you get, motherfucker.
可我是一个魔鬼啊
But I’m a fucking demon.
刚刚怎么回事
What just happened?
他自己说了 我是一个魔鬼
He said it himself, I’m a fucking demon.
用上帝的器具去打魔鬼是可以伤到他们的
Hit a demon with an instrument of God, the pure side so it’ll do some damage.
我靠 沉默鲍伯是上帝的器具
Silent Bob’s an instrument of God?
不 是格利克那个混♥蛋♥曾给他的球杆施以祝福
No, but Glick’s the kind of asshole
好能在球场上有更好的表现
who’d bless his clubs for a better game.
-可是水池呢 -你有神的血统啊
-But the sink? -You’ve got the divine heritage.
可以将事物神圣化只是附带的好处之一
Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.
下次聚会的时候 记得提醒我试试点水成酒
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.
教堂离这里有多远
How far away is this church?
要穿过三个小镇 大概有十里路
Three towns over, about ten miles.
-鲁夫斯 拿著枪 -就在你面前十步远
-Rufus, grab the gun. -Ten steps ahead of you.
去开调酒师的车 他不会再用到了
Take the bartender’s car. He won’t need it.
整个该死的世界都在和我们作对 老大
The whole fucking world’s against us, dude,
我向上帝发誓
I swear to God.
我的天
Oh, my God.
人们奇怪为什么我不再去教堂了
And people wonder why I don’t go to church anymore.
我们来晚了吗
Are we too late?
来救这些可怜的傻瓜们吗
To save these poor schmucks?
是的