死侍

害我手都没了
Arm.
抓住他是我变回帅哥的唯一机会
Catching him was my only chance to be hot again,
这样才能和我超性感的前任复合
get my super sexy ex back,
并阻止我身上的悲剧继续发生
and prevent this shit from happening to someone else.
所以没错 今天就像被砂纸巨根插过一样爽
So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
再打个标签
Hashtag driveby.
终于知道穿红色套装的是哪位老朋友了
Found out who our friend in the red suit is.
是他妈的韦德·威尔逊
Fucking Wade Wilson.
换我长那样也会戴面具
I suppose I’d wear a mask too if I had a face like that.
不过真羡慕他的自愈能力
I only wish I healed the same.
不过还是要甩掉他
Still, we’ll put him out of our misery.
用我们的方式
On our terms.
好吧 可是他可以自愈
Right. And when he heals?
别担心
He can’t.
连渣都不剩看他怎么重新长
Not if there’s nothing left of him to heal.
有趣的是我差点就想他了
You know, it’s funny. I almost miss the fucker.
我喜欢挑战
I like a challenge.
但影响我们生意的必须除掉
But he’s bad for business.
一起去找他吧
Now let’s go find him.
要泰诺安[止疼喷♥剂♥]吗
Tylenol PM?
可以塞到你塞百可汀的地方
You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin.
我吃了藏在智齿里的扑热息痛
I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet,
现在晕到神游外太空
and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.
你的好意我心领了
But I appreciate the gesture.
是我疯了吗 还是你的手真这么小
Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
跟肯德基的小餐叉差不多
About the size of a KFC spork.
我明白你为什么火大
I get why you’re so pissy,
但不找这个姑娘
but your mood’s never gonna brighten,
一诉衷肠的话
till you find this woman,
你永远都不会释怀
and tell her how you feel.
我怎么跟你说的 马古夫人
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo?
她不会接受我的
She wouldn’t have me.
你要能看到我的样子就明白了
If you could see me, you’d understand.
长相不是一切
Looks aren’t everything.
长相就是一切
Looks are everything.
你听过贝克汉姆说话吗
You ever heard David Beckham speak?
就像对着罐氦气口♥交♥一样
It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium.
你觉得瑞安·雷诺兹[死侍扮演者]You think Ryan Reynolds got this far
能有今天是靠他精湛的演技吗
on his superior acting method?
爱情是盲目的 韦德
Love is blind, Wade.
不
No.
你才是真的盲
You’re blind.
那你就打算躺在这逼逼一辈子吗
So, you’re just gonna lie there and whimper?
不 我要等这只小手度过它的青春期
No, I’m gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty,
然后再来一个全新的圣诞计划
and then I’m gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan.
与此同时
In the meantime,
你可能会想要走开
you might wanna leave the room.
用这只手撸一定感觉自己很大
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
去吧去吧去吧
Go, go, go.
医生说”坏消息是”
So, the doctor says, “The bad news is
“你没多少日子了”
“You don’t have that long to live.”
病人就问”我还能活多久”
So, the patient says, “How long do I have?”
医生答”五”
The doctor says, “Five.”
那家伙问”五什么”
The guy says, “Five what?”
医生继续说”四 三 二”
And the doctor says, “Four, three, two…”
有事吗 小妞们
Can I help you ladies?
还真有
Oh, I do hope so.
听说你能给我提供
I heard you might be able to point me
我一个朋友的消息
in the direction of a friend of mine.
他叫韦德·威尔逊
Name of Wade Wilson.
不好意思
Sorry.
没听说过
I don’t know the name.
吧台里闲人禁止入内
Hey, you’re not supposed to be behind the bar.
我见过这个女的
I’ve seen this girl.
想必这就是瓦妮莎了
Ah, this must be Vanessa.
可没少听说你
I’ve heard so much about you.
亲爱的 看看四周
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around.
这么干不合适吧
This isn’t really the place to do something like that.
别激动 安吉尔
Easy, Angel.
放下这小子
Put the little man down.
需要的东西已经找到了
We have everything we need now.
你确定
You sure?
不换件鲜艳点的衣服吗
You don’t want any clothes that are not monochromatic?
《刀锋战士2》的午夜放映开心
Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.
多谢你们挺我 伙计们
Thanks for having my back, guys.
韦德 我们有麻烦了
Wade, we have a fucking problem.
我是说你有麻烦了
And by “We,” I mean “You.”
真不敢相信我要去见她了
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
有什么词可以表示既害怕又愤怒的
Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
“害愤”吧
Yeah, “Afrangry”, I guess.
你想好跟她说什么了吗
Have you decided what you’re gonna say to her?
完了[操♥我♥]Fuck me!
这开场白可不怎么样
Uh, maybe not start with that.
现在即将上台
Hey, coming onto our stage right now,
让我们掌声欢迎”童贞”
give it up for Chastity!
怎么不直接叫”讽刺”呢
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
得赶在那帮傻♥逼♥之前找到她
Better find her fast before numbnuts does.
你怎么知道她在这
How do you know she’s in here?
我一直在跟踪这只小狐狸
Because I’m constantly stalking that fox.
每次看到她都宛如初见
Every time I see her, it’s like the first time.
尤其是从这个角度
Especially from this angle.
爱情无法买♥♥卖♥♥
You can’t buy love,
但你可以租三分钟来玩玩
but you can rent it for three minutes.
你这个懦夫
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
拜托
Come on!
拜托 像样点
Come on, get it together.
不是为了自己 而是为了瓦妮莎
This isn’t about me, this is about Vanessa.
出发
Here we go.
全力以赴
Maximum effort.
瓦妮莎
Vanessa.
有人在后门找你
Someone out back asking for you.
说是关于你前男友的
Something about, uh, an old boyfriend.
我就知道是你
I knew it was you.
我凹你凸
The weird, curvy edges.
就像两块拼图
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
去谢韦德·威尔逊吧
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
她去哪儿了
Hey. Hey! Where’d she go?
往后门去了
Uh, I saw her head to the back.
上吧 小老虎
Go get her, tiger.
该死 该死
Fuck. Fuck!
王八蛋
Motherfucker!
-等等 我们还是 -鸡♥巴♥玩意
– Wait, wait. Let’s… Just… – Cock juggling…
-我们可以商量一下 -去你♥妈♥的♥
– We can talk about what we’re gonna… – Jiminy! Fuck face!
好吧 你也可以揍它一顿泄愤
Okay, or you can hit that.
-对 就这样 -操 操
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. – Fuck! Fuck!
好了 够了
No, no. All right. Hey!
操 操
Fuck! Fuck!
我♥操♥
Fuck!
放轻松 放轻松 好了
Relax. Relax. Okay.
好了 冷静下来也好
Okay. I think that’s a good start.
我要手撕了这个狗♥娘♥养♥的
Oh, I’m gonna rip his motherfucking…
等等
Wait.
-找出来 找出来 -什么
– Find it! Find it. – What?
-我他妈要暴走了 -好的好的
– I’m gonna get angry. – Okay. All right.
好了 好了
All right. Okay. All right.
看哪 是瓦妮莎发来的
Here. This is Vanessa.
-什么 -不 等等 是弗朗西斯
– What? – No, wait. It’s Francis.
他想让你去找他
He wants you to come to him.
-那是什么 -是一坨屎的表情符号♥
– What is that? – That’s the shit emoji.
就是在屎上画了一个笑脸
You know, it’s the turd with the smiling face and the eyes?
我一直以为是巧克力酸奶
I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.