死侍

I don’t wanna see that or think of it again.
但那个混♥蛋♥以为你死了 对吧
But the douchebag does thinks you’re dead, right?
没错
Yeah.
很好 你要保持这个优势
That’s good. You should keep it that way.
比如戴个面具吗
What, like, wear a mask?
没错 厚厚的面具 一直戴着
Yes. A very thick mask. All the time.
抱歉
I am sorry,
你有一张阴魂不散的脸
you are haunting.
你的脸就是噩梦
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
像长了牙的睾丸
Like a testicle with teeth.
你将孤独地死去
You will die alone.
前提是你会死的话
I mean, if you could die.
那样最好 为了其他人
Ideally, for others’ sake.
够了
That’ll do.
你现在需要的是一套衣服跟一个名字
All you need now is a suit and a nickname,
像俏皮鬼韦德
like Wade the Wisecracker,
或者小胆侠 不死先生
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.
妈的
Oh, shit.
怎么了
What?
我用所有钱赌你会死
I put all my money on you and now…
忽然意识到我永远无法赢
I just realized I’m never gonna win the…
死侍
Dead pool.
死侍队长
Captain Deadpool.
不
No, just…
-就死侍好了 -就叫死侍
– Just Deadpool, yeah. – Just Deadpool.
敬你 死侍先生
To you, Mr. Pool.
死侍
Deadpool.
听起来像系列电影
That sounds like a fucking franchise.
有他好受的了
This shit’s gonna have nuts in it.
弗朗西斯在哪
Where’s Francis?
弗朗西斯在哪
Where’s Francis?
用苏打水和柠檬能去除血渍
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
或者穿红色 蠢货
Or wear red. Dumbass.
别让我问第二次
Don’t make me ask twice.
弗朗西斯
Where
在哪
is Francis?
他让我问了两次
He made me ask twice.
是面具遮住了我的声音吗
Is the mask muffling my voice?
弗朗西斯在哪
Where’s Francis?
他妈的弗朗西斯在哪
Where the fuck is Francis?
你马上就要被磨冰机碾死了
You’re about to be killed by a Zamboni.
弗朗西斯在哪
Where’s Francis?
不要 求求你
No! Please!
天啊 对不起
Oh, God! I’m so sorry!
你个小蜘蛛猴
You little spider monkey!
弗朗西斯在哪
Where is Francis?
我很迷惑
This is confusing.
打你算不算性别歧视
Is it sexist to hit you?
还是不打更像呢
Is it more sexist to not hit you?
这好难说得清
I mean, the line gets real blurry.
弗朗西斯在哪
Where is Francis?
告诉我你那混账老板在哪
Tell me where your fucking boss is,
否则你就死定了
or you’re gonna die!
给你五分钟
In five minutes!
有需要随时打给我
Don’t hesitate to call me.
很高兴见到你 杰瑞德
Nice to see you, Jared.
我要最长的三明治
I’ll take the footlong…
塞满东西
Fully loaded.
我杀过41个人
41 confirmed kills.
现在已经89个了 马上就满90
Now it’s 89. About to be 90.
威尔逊先生
Mr. Wilson?
猜对了
Ding-ding.
你看起来生龙活虎的
You’re looking very alive.
只是看起来而已
Only on the outside!
我是不是会不得善终
This is not going to end well for me, is it?
没错 你将不得善终
This is not gonna end well for you, no.
你老板在哪
Where’s your boss?
我可以告诉你确切的…
I can tell you exactly…
你会告诉我的 但首先
Oh, you’ll tell me. But first…
镜头麻烦回避一下
You might wanna look away for this.
“这只小猪猪去了…”
Now this little piggy went to…
谢谢你 史密斯特工
Thank you, Agent Smith.
出租车
Taxi!
进来吧 适合兜风的好日子
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
我们都知道这段的结局
And we all know how this turned out.
不好意思 没想给你看这个
Whoops! You weren’t meant to see that.
都说完了
There. All caught up.
我们到了
We’re here.
抱歉血弄脏了你的垃圾
Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.
用苏打水和柠檬能去除血渍
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
有股怒气难以遏制
Some kinds of anger can’t be managed,
比如说你计划了一年
like the kind where your year-long plan
到头来却肢解错了人
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
虽然这么说 当舔舐伤口时
That said, when it comes time to licking wounds,
没有比家更好的地方
there’s no place like home.
而这个家里有个人你们之前也见过
And I share that home with someone you’ve met,
就是洗衣店那个瞎的老女人艾尔
the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
天啊 我想吸可♥卡♥因♥
God, I miss cocaine.
她
Her.
打破第四堵墙里面还要打破
Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break.
那就相当于十六堵墙了
That’s like 16 walls.
我跟她就像罗宾之于蝙蝠侠
She’s like Robin to my Batman,
只不过她又老 又黑 又瞎
except she’s old, and black, and blind.
而且我觉得她爱上我了
And I think she’s in love with me.
慢着 罗宾应该也爱蝙蝠侠
Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
艾尔
Al?
早 小懒虫
Morning, sleepyhead.
怎么有一股老女人的裤裆味
It smells like old lady pants in here.
没错 我老了 还穿着裤子
Yes, I’m old. I wear pants.
但你不女人
But you’re no lady.
真舒服
Oh! So comfy.
瞎了的好处 是看不到你穿”洞洞鞋”
Upside of being blind, I’ve never seen you in Crocs.
你是指我那些很大的橡胶自♥慰♥玩意吗
You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?
是啊
Yes, I know.
瞎了的坏处
Downside of being blind,
就是这屋里的一切我都听得一清二楚
I hear everything in this duplex.
被爆菊了
Sit on a stick.
要百可汀[急救喷雾]吗
Bactine?
没错 百可汀应该管用
Yeah. Bactine should do it.
那边的库伦抽屉柜是哪儿来的
How’s that Kullen coming along?
宜家好像不提供上门安装服务吧
IKEA doesn’t assemble itself, you know.
还用你说 我对库伦不感冒
You’re telling me. I don’t mind the Kullen.
这是胡铎的升级产品
It’s an improvement on the Hurdal.
拜托 买♥♥什么都比胡铎好
Please. Anything’s an improvement over the Hurdal.
我宁愿选汉尼斯或者特里索也不选胡铎
I’d have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
不 还是只对库伦动心
Oh, no, I didn’t get excited till I saw the Kullen.
给我滚[性♥交♥]Screw, please.
现在吗 在这做 开玩笑吧
Here? Now? Just kidding.
知道你下面无人问津多年
I know it’s been decades.
你肯定想不到
You’d be surprised.
真恶心
Pretty grossed out.
搞…定
Ta… Da.
就不该在克雷格上买♥♥东西
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
诚征室友 要求如下
And I quote, “Looking for roommate,
“能够做到熟视无睹”
“Blind to life’s imperfections.
“还要手活好”
“Must be good with hands.”
要不然我来装柜子 你付房♥租
Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
怎么一大早嘴巴就那么臭
Why such a douche this morning?
我长话短说
Let’s recap.
那个把我变成这样的湿疣男
The cock thistle that turned me into this freak,
今天从我手上溜掉了
slipped through my arms today.