死侍

咱俩一样疯狂 就跟天雷勾动地火一样
Well, your crazy matches my crazy. Big time.
我们就像两块拼图
And, uh, we’re like two jigsaw pieces,
你凹我凸
you know, the weird curvy edges.
把它们拼在一起 就能看到上面的图了
You put them together and you can see the picture on top.
对啊
Right.
韦德
Wade,
我一直想问你
there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.
你一直都没问我的这个问题
But only because you haven’t gotten around to asking me.
你愿不愿意
Will you…
-插♥我♥的… -嫁给我
– stick it in my… – Marry me?
反弹
Jinx?
-你之前把它藏在哪儿了 -没藏哪儿
– Where were you hiding that? – Nowhere.
他们说这要花一个月的工资
They say one month’s salary. So…
你是说
You mean?
我愿意
I do.
那是我的词
That’s my line.
我爱你 韦德·威尔逊
I love you, Wade Wilson.
你应该说 这么说你…
You’re supposed to… So that’s a…
我愿意
Yes!
棒
Yes!
我感觉自己就像个小女孩
I feel just like a little girl.
可以就这样一直抱着你不放手吗
What if I just held on and never let go?
像尤达趴在卢克背上那样吗
Just ride a bitch’s back, like Yoda on Luke.
《星球大战》的梗
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
是《帝国反击战》
Empire.
天啊
Jesus Christ.
你就像是我用电脑做出来的一样
It’s like I made you in a computer.
完美
Perfect.
-看看 -我尿尿去
– Let’s see. – All right, wee break.
扇一扇晾干
Shake it, yeah.
问题来了
Here’s the thing.
生活就是永无休止的灾难片
Life is an endless series of train-wrecks
短暂的幸福就像插播的广♥告♥
with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness.
这是最后的广♥告♥时段了
This had been the ultimate commercial break.
也就是说
Which meant it was time to return
是时候回归既定的人生了
to our regularly scheduled program.
搞什么
What the…
天啊 韦德
Oh, my God. Wade?
你在开玩笑
You’re clowning.
你没开玩笑
You’re not clowning?
我觉得你在开玩笑
I sense clowns.
人们得知自己癌症晚期 反应会各不相同
People react to news of late-stage cancer differently.
我们肯定有的研究的
There are certainly options we can look into.
每天都有新药被研发出来
New drugs are being developed every day.
那我们怎么办
So what do we do?
我们肯定能做点什么
Surely there is something we can do.
我叔叔伊凡曾被诊断出甲状腺癌
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer,
当时有服用德国进口的实验性药物
and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany.
瓦妮莎已经在研究方案A方案B
Vanessa’s already working on Plan A, B,
一直到方案Z
all the way through Z.
我♥干♥嘛 我在记下她脸庞的细节
Me? I’m memorizing the details of her face.
就好像我是第一次见到一样
Like it’s the first time I’m seeing it.
或者是最后一次
Or the last.
威尔逊先生
Mr. Wilson…
威尔逊先生
Mr. Wilson?
花时间去适应
Take your time to process this.
不要轻率行事 这很重要
It’s important not to do anything rash.
如果我是弗朗西斯 一个200磅的混♥蛋♥
Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis,
我会躲在哪呢
where would I hide?
当来自萨斯喀彻温省里贾纳的新秀
A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson
韦德·W·威尔逊准备射门时 人们鸦雀无声
out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot.
他状态不错
His form looks good.
这就是为什么一讲到里贾纳市就好笑
And that’s why Regina rhymes with fun.
女士们先生们 你们正在见证一场
Ladies and gentlemen, what you’re witnessing…
惬意的踹屌♥复仇
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
将他暴打一顿
Giving him the business.
来了
Incoming!
简直是把违反体育道德提升到了新境界
This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level!
状态不错 弗朗西斯 精神奕奕
Looking good, Francis. Well rested.
就好像你刚才是棒球投手 而非捕手
Like you’ve been pitching, not catching.
没有印象吗
Ringing any bells? No?
那这样呢
How about now?
该死的韦德·威尔逊
Wade fucking Wilson.
你好呀 美人
Well, hello, gorgeous.
我就像是被有辐射性的沙皮狗咬了一样[蜘蛛侠梗]
Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
这是谁的错 弗朗西斯
Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis?
是时候恢复你糟蹋过的这张丑脸了
Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface.
别扯了 你应该感谢我
Please, you should thank me.
是我把你打造成不死之躯的
Apparently, I made you immortal.
其实我很嫉妒你
I’m actually quite jealous.
是啊 但这样的生活不值得过 是不是
Yeah, but this ain’t a life worth living, is it?
我现在要像
Now, I’m about to do to you
软饼干乐队践踏90年代末的音乐一样痛打你
what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
爸
Dad?
坏事总会以最异常的方式出岔子
I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways
这一点大家都感同身受
in the most colossal way.
也许还不是”最”异常的
Well, maybe not the most.
这是我最珍贵的东西
This is my most prized possession.
威猛乐队
Wham?
语气不对 威猛乐队
No, no, no. Wham!
乔治和安迪
Make It Big is the album that
正是凭借《名声大噪》这张专辑才大红大紫
George and Andy earned the exclamation point.
我应该面带微笑
So, am I supposed to just smile,
挥手送你出门
and wave you out the door?
把它当成春季大扫除
Think of it like spring cleaning.
只不过是把要死的人扫出去
Only if spring was death.
要是每次对着伯纳德塔·彼特斯撸
God, if I had a nickel for every time
都能得到五分钱 我就发财了
I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
听这声音 你常这么干
Sounds like you do.
伯纳德塔钱包哪也不能去
Bernadette is not going anywhere,
你也哪都不许去
because you’re not going anywhere.
喝了它
Drink.
你说得对
You’re right.
癌细胞只存在于我的肝脏 肺 前列腺和脑子里
Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain.
哪怕这些全没了 我也能活
All things I can live without.
这里才是你的家
You belong here at home.
这有你的战神金刚和你的伯纳德塔
Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette,
你的我也在这里
and your me.
听着
Listen,
我们都知道癌症有多么操蛋
we both know that cancer is a shit-show.
就像是雅科夫·斯米诺夫在爱荷华州际博览会上
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the
给定调者乐队的开场表演一样操蛋
Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
我决不会让你跟我一起受苦
And under no circumstances will I take you to that show.
我希望你记住现在的我
I want you to remember me.
而不是我的圣诞节鬼魂
Not the ghost of Christmas me.
可我希望记住的是我们两个人
Well, I wanna remember us.
我对天发誓 下辈子我还会找到你
I swear to God, I will find you in the next life,
然后提着音响站在你窗前放《无心快语》
and I’m gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window.
威猛乐队呢
Wham!
少跟我扯什么放歌♥ 好吗
No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay?
我们能挺过去的
We can fight this.
还有 我刚刚意识到一件事
Besides, I just realized something.
你赢了
You win.
你的人生确实比我的操蛋多了
Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
我爱你
I love you.
韦德
Wade.
黄鼠狼
Weas.
看样子要不来杯”口♥活♥”再去洗个澡
You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower.
温馨地建议你还是先洗个澡
Though courtesy calls for the latter first.
直接倒三杯培恩酒给我吧
How about three shots of Patron?