死侍2：我爱我家

Understatement of the year.
韦德 这是雪绪
Wade, Yukio.
雪绪 这是韦德
Yukio, Wade.
这他妈是什么情况
What in the fuck knuckles is this?
她是我的女朋友 你这个混♥蛋♥
She’s my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.
别这么冲嘛 福克斯新闻播报员
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends.
我只是很惊讶竟然有人愿意和你交往
I’m just surprised anyone would date you.
特别是《小马宝莉》里的粉红派
Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.
我喜欢这家伙
I like this guy.
再给他个机会
Give him a chance.
看见你这样真好
It’s great seeing you like this.
再见 韦德
Bye, Wade!
在我们这里有几条基本规则
Now, some ground rules while under our roof.
“第一条 不准杀人…”
“Rule number one. No killing…
“任何人 都不行 不管有多坏”
“Anyone ever, no matter how bad.
“第二条 冰箱里的所有东西都要加标签”
“Rule two. Label everything in refrigerator.”
韦德
Wade?
韦德
Wade?
-别想追我 -韦德
– Don’t try to chase me. – Wade!
我还没做好再次被摸的准备呢
I’m not ready to be touched again.
墙上挂着好多老头的照片
All these old guys on the wall.
谁住在这里 卡莉斯塔·弗洛克哈特吗
Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?
这些雕像摔下来时已经坏了
Those were already damaged after they fell there!
我到底应该在这里干什么
What am I supposed to do around here, anyway?
坐成一圈 分享我的感受吗
Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings?
那我到底该怎么做
And how would I do that exactly?
因为 其他人都他妈去哪里了
‘Cause where the fuck is everyone?
每次都只有你
It’s always just you
还有那个名字奇长无比的负少…
and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever…
够了
Enough!
我说了不准摸我
I said no touching!
搞什么
What the fuck?
还以为制片人会给我们点甜头呢
You’d think the studio would throw us a bone.
稍微有点味道的那种
One that doesn’t end up in my mouth.
第一部赚的钱
The first movie made more money
比发明裤子的人赚的都多
than the guy who invented pants.
连一位像样点的X战警都请不出来吗
They can’t just dust off one of the famous X-Men?
那个背上长着巨大企鹅翅膀的小子呢
How ’bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings?
那翅膀到底是干什么的
What do those do anyway, huh?
能让他离地个几厘米
Carry him three feet off the ground
拿到最近的松饼屑吗
to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb?
不不不
No, no, no, no, no. No!
我根本不是当X战警的料
I am not X-Man material at all.
首先
First off…
我都不是处♥男♥ 第二…
I’m not even a virgin. Second and more…
我就应该
I should have left you
让你继续跟我找到你时一样自怨自艾
in the self-pitying mess I found you in.
但是这是朋友该做的事 在需要时出现
But this is what friends do. They show up!
并不是锦上添花
Not when convenient or easy.
而是雪中送炭 而你总会让雪下得更大
When hard, and you always make it hard.
你很不好
You are unwell.
我带你回来可是冒了很大的险
I’m sticking my neck out bringing you here.
等等 有一个杀害凡妮莎的混♥蛋♥跑了
Wait. One of the assholes who killed Vanessa got away.
上帝啊
Oh, Jesus Christ!
我刚刚有一瞬间还以为你要亲我呢
I thought you were gonna kiss me for a second there.
如果你真的要亲 我也是拦不住你的
Please know I wouldn’t be able to stop you if you did.
韦德 不管他们是谁…
Wade, whoever they are…
我们都要抓住他们 带他们伏法
we track them down and bring them to justice.
是我
It was me.
逃走的那个混♥蛋♥是我
I’m the asshole who got away.
我把他们都杀了 除了我
I killed every last one of them, except me.
杀不死我
Couldn’t kill me.
我们本来准备组建一个家庭
We were gonna start a family.
我们…
We were, uh…
我们本来要成为一家人
We were gonna be a family.
韦德
Wade…
凡妮莎已经死了 她不会回来了
Vanessa is gone. She’s not coming back.
这里可能不是你理想中的家庭
This may not be family you want…
但是你需要这个家庭
but it’s family you need.
你有一颗善良的心
You have a good heart.
在这里才能让它成长
It belongs here where it can grow.
你说什么
What did you say?
关于我的心
About my heart?
我觉得我来对地方了
I think I’m in the right place.
我来告诉你最大的谎言
I’mma tell you what the big lie is.
厕纸
Toilet paper.
厕纸有什么问题
What’s so bad about toilet paper?
能全擦干净
Gets the job done.
真的能全擦干净吗
Does it really get the job done?
好吧 假设你明早醒来
All right. Say you wake up tomorrow morning…
假设 发现你的脸上有一些新鲜的屎
and, hypothetically, find some fresh shit on your face.
你的脸颊上 可能胡子上也有一些
Your cheek, maybe a little bit in the beard.
搞什么 说得我都恶心了
What the hell? I’m about to be fucking sick!
你怎么办
What do you do?
你会去厕所
Do you go to a bathroom
撕下一些干纸巾
and tear off a piece of dry tissue…
在你的胡子上擦两下
and rub it around on your beard a little bit
然后继续开始这一天的生活吗
and then go on, get on with your day?
去教堂 也许去参加晚宴 看电影
Go to church, maybe dinner and a movie,
好像无事发生过
like nothing happened?
你到底要说什么 伙计
Where is this coming from, man?
但其实还是发生了些什么
But something did happen.
你的脸闻上去一股屎味 对吗
Your face smells like shit. Right?
所以其实你会做的是
So what you would do,
拿点肥皂 搞点热水
is you would get some soap, you’d get some hot water…
然后狠狠地擦你的胡子
and you would scrub the fucking shit
洗上个十来遍
out of your beard for 10 straight minutes.
-怎么擦都觉得不够 -你是想
– You could not scrub it enough. – Are you trying to
恶心我吗
make me feel disgusting?
我开始觉得…
I’m starting to feel…
厕纸算是很不错的前菜
Toilet paper is a pretty fine appetizer.
但是然后…
But, then…
哈吉斯自然呵护湿巾
Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.
这才是主菜
That’s your main course.
柔软 湿润 婴儿专用
They’re soft, they’re moist. They’re for babies.
最后再用一张纸巾
Finally, one more pass with toilet paper,
擦掉残余的水分
maybe clear out that excess moisture.
如果你能找到吹风机的话
Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go,
还能给自己做个头发
if you can get you a hair dryer.
只要30秒就行
Just about 30 seconds would do you good.
搞什么
The fuck?
年
Year.
什么
What?
现在是哪一年
What year is it?
这他妈是什么傻♥逼♥问题
What kind of dumbass question is that to ask?
我们接下来要参加为期八周的训练
We have 8 weeks of boot camp ahead of us, men.
通过训练 我们能做好应付
That’ll get us toned and prepared
各种战斗的准备
for all manner of combat.
这绝对不行
Not working out at all.
胶带
Masking tape.
不是冷却铝制品的好朋友
It is no friend to chilled aluminum.
尼龙搭扣 颜色分类 效率高
Velcro. Color-coded, efficient,
有助于保护环境
environmentally friendly.
他在和谁说话
Who is he talking to?
他为什么穿得像个注册性侵者
And why is he dressed like a registered sex offender?
你们能集中注意力吗 女士们
Can we focus for a moment, ladies?
拜托 我们得谈谈下个月的饮食计划
Please, we need to talk about next month’s meal plan.
显然大家都很讨厌酸橘汁腌鱼
Obviously, everyone hated the ceviche.
我看了建议箱
I read the suggestion box.
我还是先打断你吧
I’m gonna stop you right there.
你的演技太拙劣了