死侍2：我爱我家

and make it rain!
我不懂你的意思
I don’t know what that means.
我也不懂
Me neither.
那么我们…
I’m gonna see you…
办公室见
at the office.
飞向蓝天
In the sky.
你就是我的汤姆·克鲁斯
You’re my Tom Cruise!
你就是我的克里斯滕·邓斯特
And you’re my Kristen Dunst!
克里斯滕 克尔斯滕
Kristen? Kirsten?
抱歉 我迟到了
Sorry I’m late.
有一群
There was a bunch of
残疾儿童被困在了树上…
handicapable children stuck in a tree…
我得…
and I had to…
你没猜错 我其实在和一个斗篷坏蛋战斗
You’re right. I was fighting a caped badass.
但是后来我们发现他的妈妈也叫玛莎
But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.
-不行 -被你抓到了
– No. – You got me.
我其实在把世界上所有的面糊搅在一起
I was rounding up all the gluten in the world
然后射向太空
and launching it into space…
让它们再也没法伤害我们了
where it can’t not hurt us ever again.
再编像一点
Try again.
腹泻
Diarrhea?
总得等我把这身衣服脱下来才能肯定…
We can’t be sure until I get this suit off…
不过所有迹象都表明的确如此
but, uh, all signs point to yes.
堵车
Traffic?
像你很想我一样地亲我 红红
Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
赶紧过来
Well, come here.
我去洗个澡脱掉这身衣服
I’m gonna shower and get out of this suit.
你不想看看你的惊喜吗
Don’t you want your surprise?
我看上去像一个烧伤病人吗
Do I look like a patient burn victim?
我也有给你的
I got one for you, too.
周年快乐 宝贝
Happy anniversary, baby.
打开打开打开
Open, open, open.
滑雪球币
Skee-Ball token.
我们第一次约会
Our first date.
没错
Yup.
如假包换 高端铅币
That’s genuine, high-grade lead.
我会永远保存的
I’ll keep it forever.
谢谢你 宝贝
Thank you, baby.
-打开你的 -好吧 好吧
– Open yours. – All right, all right.
这真是我见过最美的…
That’s just the most beautiful thing that I’ve…
我不知道这是什么玩意
I don’t know what this is.
我的IUD[宫内节育器]
My IUD.
炸♥弹♥吗
A bomb?
不是 笨蛋 这是我的节育装置
No, dick for brains. My birth control device.
什么 你是说你的…
What, you mean that your…
造娃工厂正式开业
Baby factory’s open for business.
我的天啊
Oh, my God!
我的天啊 我要个男孩
Oh, my God! I want a boy!
或者女孩 绝对是这俩的其中一个
Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other!
我还要我们的孩子只有一个名
Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name.
比如雪儿或陶德
Like Cher or Todd.
你得先给我种一颗种子 牛仔小子
You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.
当然了
Yes, I do.
我们先看点小♥电♥影♥ 再让床尝尝我们的厉害
Let’s watch some porn and show that bed who’s boss.
走吧
Let’s do that.
*爸爸 你能听到我吗*
*Papa…Can you hear me*
*爸爸 你能看到我吗*
*Papa, can you see me*
你觉得这首歌♥耳熟吗
Does this song sound familiar to you?
梅
May.
男孩就叫康纳尔 女孩就叫梅
Connor, if it’s a boy. May, if it’s a girl.
真奇怪
So weird.
其实本来家庭对我来说算是脏话
Family was always an F-word to me.
我的废物老爹抛弃了我们
My pile of shit father took off and bailed.
我可能没法成为陶德的
I mean, it’s not like I have a lot of strong role models
道德榜样
to draw off of for Todd.
看着我
Hey. Look at me.
你不是你父亲
You are not your father.
再说了
Besides…
我绝对不会给我们的孩子起名叫陶德
I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.
但是事实上
But here’s the thing,
事情不都会是那种走向吗
isn’t that how it always works?
就像在《星球大战》里
Like in Star Wars,
男性总会变得跟自己父亲一样
men are destined to become their father…
然后再和自己的姐妹自愿发生性关系
and then have consensual sex with their sister?
我觉得你应该漏掉了很大一部分重要剧情
I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.
不 卢克肯定上了她
No, I’m pretty sure Luke nailed her.
宝贝 那是《帝国反击战》里的
Baby, that’s Empire.
最重要的是 孩子们
The point is, kids…
给我们一个机会变得更好
they give us a chance to be better than we are.
变得比我们以前更好
Better than we used to be.
你比我看上去聪明多了
You’re a lot smarter than I look.
我去做甜点
I’m gonna go make dessert.
你先绑上束带 我们来造一个超级宝宝
You get the strap-on. Let’s make a super baby.
宝宝肯定不是那样就能造的 不过我们能试试
Pretty sure it doesn’t work that way, but we can try.
克里斯托呢 克开头的
What about Krystal? But with a “K”?
太像脱衣舞男了
It’s too stripper-y.
凯开头的凯文
Kevin with a “K”!
不行 也太像脱衣舞男了
No, too stripper-y, too.
厄尔
Uh, Earl!
如果我们给他起名叫厄尔
He’s gonna go straight to jail
他会直接进监狱
if we name him Earl.
布鲁斯呢
What about Bruce?
不
No.
-趴下 -怎么了
– Get down. – What?
宝贝 宝贝
Baby? Baby?
我没事
I’m okay.
谢天谢地我没用上那个奶油干酪磨碎机
Thank God I didn’t have to use the cream cheese spreader.
不要
Please.
不要 不要
Please. Please.
宝贝 对不起
Baby, I’m so sorry.
不
No!
等一下
你刚杀了她吗
我♥操♥
她简直是大家最爱的角色
我回来了 祝你们好运 混♥蛋♥
显然雷诺兹不想与人共享聚光灯
都怪编剧
去你♥妈♥的♥”真英雄”
真的会拍摄的家伙
在《疾速追杀》里杀死那只狗的家伙之一
*爸爸 你能听到我吗*
*Papa, can you hear me*
只有我觉得
Is it just me, or does
《冰雪奇缘》的插曲《你想堆雪人吗》
Do You Want to Build a Snowman? From Frozen…
听起来特别像
sound suspiciously like
《燕特尔》里的《爸爸 你能听到我吗》
Papa, Can You Hear Me? From Yentl?
*爸爸 你能听到我吗*
*Papa, can you hear me*
而根本没有人注意到
And nobody fucking realizes it.
韦德 你该回家了
Wade, you gotta go home.
你已经在这里坐了三天
You’ve been sitting here for three days, okay?
你闻起来像湿热雨季扔在外面的酸菜
You smell like sauerkraut left in the warm rain.
泡在新鲜热尿中的垃圾
Like wet garbage in hot urine.
你闻起来像一只吃饱了用过的猫砂…
You smell like a dog ate kitty litter…
然后在客厅里一路放屁的狗
and then farted his way out of the living room.
就像拉什·林博
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh’s
拍完《鲨鱼周》后坐的沙发垫
couch cushions after Shark Week.
我爱《冰雪奇缘》
I love Frozen.
我爱她 我爱她就像海洋爱着水
I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water.
海洋就是水
An ocean is water.
更重要的是 我喜欢她 我真的很喜欢她
More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know?
乔治·迈克尔唱得对
George Michael was right.
我再也不会跳舞了 操
I’m never gonna dance again. Fuck!
他也死了
He’s dead, too.
至少我们还有鲍威
At least we still have Bowie.
死先生 大卫·鲍威…
Oh, Mr. Pool. David Bowie is…
还活着