死侍2：我爱我家

去你♥妈♥的♥金刚狼
Fuck Wolverine.
首先 他也给自己的电影评R级
First, he rides my coattails with the R rating.
然后这个长毛混♥蛋♥竟然靠挂掉赚了一堆流量
Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying.
混♥蛋♥
What a dick.
你猜怎么着 狼哥
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
这部我也要死
I’m dying in this one, too.
要想明白我为什么在
To understand why I took a cat-nap
1200加仑高挥发性燃料上睡觉…
on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel…
那我得带你回到
I need to take you back
六周前的曲折故事
to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago.
我走国际路线了
I’d gone international,
处理重要杀人犯 黑帮成员
taking out mass murderers, gangsters,
坏不堪言的怪物
unspeakable monsters.
没人能触碰的人 除了我
People nobody would touch. Except me.
我要把他们全摸个遍
I’m gonna touch them all over.
我是盖尔
Hey, it’s Gail calling.
小西装真帅气
Love the shiny suit.
让你的双眼更添了几分皮条客的魅力
Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.
我不会说广东话 贵…
I don’t speak Cantonese, Mister…
我都懒得尝试了
Well, I’m not even gonna attempt that.
但我初二上了西班牙语课 所以…
But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so…
这句话的字面意义就是…
Which literally translates to…
我不讨价还价 南瓜蠢蛋
I don’t bargain, pumpkin fucker.
这不是吉尔伯特家
Oh. Oh, this isn’t Gilbert’s.
对不起
I am so sorry.
我以为这是肛♥门♥漂白派对
I thought this was an anal-bleaching party.
别担心 你不会死的
Don’t worry. You’re not going to die.
不过这个可能会要你命
Although these will kill you.
上吧 宝贝
Hit it, Dolly.
我只是上帝的代言人
I’m merely a vessel for the Lord.
让罪犯放下拿枪的手
Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!
别冲我这么做
Do not go in there!
看看美国队长试试这一手
Let’s see Captain America do that.
太异域了吗
Too exotic?
天啊 天啊 暂停 暂停
Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out!
卡 坏蛋的血溅到人家眼睛里了
Cut. I’ve got bad guy blood, right in my open eye.
好恶心哦
Oh, that’s so gross.
操
Fuck.
看起来你还留了点空档
Looks like you left a little landing strip there.
我喜欢
I like it.
天啊
Oh, man!
我的世界巡演带我回到了家
My world tour brought me home
找到了这个人 谢尔盖·瓦利什尼科夫
to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.
但是我们等会儿再说他
But we’ll get to him in a moment.
我知道你们都在想什么
‘Cause I know what you’re thinking.
“还好把孩子们都安顿在家里了”
“I’m so glad I left the kiddos at home.”
但是你错了
But that’s where you’d be wrong.
你的保姆现在正嗨翻了天
That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now…
以及信不信由你 《死侍2》是一部家庭电影
and, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film.
千真万确
True story.
每一部优秀家庭电影的开头都是一起可怕的谋杀
And every good family film starts with a vicious murder.
《小鹿斑比》 《狮子王》 《电锯惊魂7》
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
我的上帝啊 那家伙着火了
Holy shit pickles! That guy’s on fire.
那可不是电脑特效 伙计们 他真的着火了
That’s not CGI, folks. He’s actually on fire.
你知道我是靠抓坏蛋挣钱的吧
Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right?
但是这家伙
But this guy?
他是最坏的坏蛋之一
He was one of the worst of ’em.
赶紧把门打开
Hurry up and open this fucking door,
一起杀掉这混♥蛋♥
and let’s kill this motherfucker!
真恶心
Ugh. So gross.
安全屋 认真的吗
A panic room? Really?
你能出来吗
Can you come out?
我真的得走了 今天是我的纪念日
I really have to go. It’s my anniversary.
我总能听到人们一遍又一遍地说
Over and over, I hear people say,
“我就是没有足够的自信”
“I just don’t have enough confidence.”
听着 自信不是你拥有的东西
Listen, confidence is not something you have.
而是你创造的东西
It’s something you create.
你随时都能创造出来
And you can create it at any moment in time.
自信的感觉只不过
A sense of confidence is nothing
是你内心中的力量
but a sense of power within yourself…
让你能够确信你能获得成功
a sense of certainty that you can pull something off.
他妈的快开车
Start the fucking car!
都朋德
Dopinder!
他妈的快开车
Start the fucking car!
打死那混♥蛋♥ 打他
Shoot that motherfucker! Shoot him!
我吓得拉裤子了
Oh, I shit my pants.
其实可能是我拉的
Actually, that may have been me.
任务完成了吗
Oh, mission accomplished?
算是用小布♥什♥的方式解决了吧
Oh, in a George W. Sort of way.
这混♥蛋♥没法永远待在安全室里
Fucker can’t stay in a panic room forever.
你简直过着梦想中的生活 死先生
Oh, you’re living the dreams, DP.
这一路都太顺利了 都朋德
It has been quite the run, Dopinder,
谁能想到呢
and who’da thought?
人们提到我的时候就跟提到耶稣似的
Now I’m talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.
《耶稣受难记》第一 接下来就是我
Passion of the Christ, then me.
全球票房♥最高的是《死侍》
至少在国内
At least domestically.
在国外就完全碾压了
We beat them overseas,
毕竟他们根本没有宗教这种东西
where there’s no such thing as religion.
我也想过上梦想中的生活 侍侍
I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy.
开出租车并没有看上去那么性感
Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks.
-我想填充我的… -口袋吗
– I want to fill my… – Pockets?
你想来点什么 来点可♥卡♥因♥吗
What’s your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey?
不上网点播
Can’t maintain an erection
就会早泄吗
without buying shoes online?
这个我可从来没体验过
I’ve never experienced that last one.
跟我说说 呆子
Talk to me, Goose.
我想说的是”灵魂” 我想填充我的灵魂
I was going to say “Soul”. I want to fill my soul.
我想有所归属 就像你 死先生
I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.
都朋德
Dopinder…
你总是能给我带来惊喜
You never cease to surprise me.
你的内心是那么的深邃
You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary.
我们都需要归属感
We all need a sense of belonging.
我们都需要真切的家的感受
We all need a genuine sense of home.
-在世界上有一个地方 -我想成为一名职业杀手
– A place in this world. – I want to become a contract killer.
不好意思 你说什么
I’m sorry. What did you say?
你还记得我绑♥架♥了班度
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu
然后极度暴♥力♥地威胁他吗
and threatened him with great violence?
你差不多算是把他弄死了
You kind of killed him.
你记得《夜访吸血鬼》这部电影吗
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
不想记得
Don’t want to.
当汤姆·克鲁斯给10岁的克尔斯滕·邓斯特
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood
第一次喂血时
for the first time…
她看着他光滑
and she looked up at his smooth,
帅气的脸庞说…
handsome face and said…
“我还要”
“I want some more.”
死先生 把我想象成10岁的克尔斯滕·邓斯特吧
Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
我永远不会想不到这一幕了
I’ll never not picture that.
但是我真希望我们能尽快
But I can’t wait to never speak of this,
永远不要提这件事了
as soon as possible.
我们到了
We’re here.
都朋德 还是我
Dopinder, it’s me again.
听着 正常人可能会劝你
Look, a saner man might discourage you
不要加入危险的雇佣兵行业
from joining the deadly merc business…
毕竟看看你的小胸膛
what, with your concave chest
和纸板似的小胳膊
and your paper towel tube arms.
但是你是一只雄鹰
But you’re an eagle…
该死 雄鹰就该翱翔
and goddamn it, an eagle’s gotta soar.
你要把握住这些梦想
You gotta grab those dreams,
抓住梦想的丁丁尖
grab those dreams by the dick tip…
让它喷涌