一周不死，全额退款（2018）

不是！是你杀了餐厅那白♥痴♥
No one gives a fuck about traffic wardens.
No, you shot the womble in the restaurant.
这是协会成立的目的
This is the reason the guild was set up
但你危害了全体
and you’ve jeopardized the entire thing.
没有规定、限制、合约
Rules, regulations, contracts,
你只是个拿枪的老头
without those you’re just a tit with a gun.
我开枪时，目标蹲下去了
But the target ducked when I took a shot at him.
谁都可能失手
It could happen to anyone.
老实说，还好没更惨
To be honest it could’ve been worse.
有人也想干掉那家伙
There was a contract out on the guy you shot anyway.
天哪，这么巧？
Oh, Jesus.
宇宙怎么运行，是你我都不会懂的
What are the chances?
The universe works in ways
that people like us will never understand.
布莱恩班特立
Brian Bentley.
这里！你自己看吧
Here, you can read all about it.
如果那合约是我完成的…
So, um,
if I completed the contract…
别那么无♥耻♥！沛佛知道后气炸了
Don’t get cheeky.
if I completed the contract…
Pavel was furious when he found out.
if I completed the contract…
Pavel was furious when he found out.
他才刚付了新车订金
He’d just put a deposit on a new car.
那现在呢？
So, what happens now?
你带着你的助行器退休去吧
You take your zimmer frame
and fuck off into the sunset of retirement.
别去打高尔夫球
Just don’t take up golf.
那是女人玩的
Golf is for cunts.
完成这个合约我就达成业积啦
But if I finish this contract I can make my quota.
我委派别人了
It’s been reassigned.
谁？
Who to?
艾文
Ivan.
你看他，像没毛的熊
Look at him.
Like a fucking bear with alopecia.
这些老俄都是来硬的
They’re hardcore, these Russians.
时代不同了
It’s a different game now, Les.
你离开的正是时候
You’re getting out at the best time.
但这是我的工作
But this is what I do.
不再是了
Not any more.
这工作是我的一切
This job means everything to me.
杀人是我活着的理由
Killing people gives me a reason to live!
变老真的很可怕
It’s a terrible thing, getting old.
拜托，哈维
Please, Harvey.
我求你，就快达成了
I’m begging you.
不能这样就叫我走
It’s so close.
你不能到处乱开枪
This is no way for me to go out.
You can’t fucking go around fucking shooting people!
我们不能那样做
It’s not what we fucking do!
那位「一枪毙命」先生呢？
What happened to you, Mr. One-foot-in-the-fucking-grave?
以前你是一流的
You were the best and now look at you!
现在你看你
Hanging around Beachy Head,
在比奇角断崖晃荡，掏出你的名片
handing out your fucking business cards.
太可悲了！
It’s desperate.
变老不可耻，我们都会老
There’s no shame in it.
We all get old.
带着你的钟滚
Now take the fucking clock.
我不要拿钟
I’m not taking the clock.
把钟拿去，不然事情会更糟
Take the fucking clock, Leslie.
Or you will find things getting a whole lot fucking worse.
不要
No.
他会成为大♥麻♥烦
He’s become a liability.
该有人给他脑袋一枪
Someone should shoot him in the fucking head.
给你
Here.
你有再试过？
Did you try again?
都过去了
It passed.
我失败太多次
I failed to kill myself so many times
都快以为自己是不死的
I began to think I might be immortal.
我保证你不是
I guarantee you’re not immortal.
你只是太想死
You’re just terrible at dying.
这是谁的房♥子？
Whose house is this?
不知道
Ummm, no idea.
什么？
What?
但愿他们晚上不会回来
I just really hope they don’t come home tonight.
什么？
What?
你不能闯进人家房♥子
You can’t go breaking into people’s houses!
是啊，你也不能雇杀手杀你
Yeah, and you can’t go employing an assassin to kill you,
人生总有意外
but shit happens.
对不起，可以吗？
I’m sorry, okay?
I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake.
我以为那是个答案
I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake.
I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake.
但我错了
I thought it was the answer, but it was a mistake.
但我错了
放心啦！这是我家
Relax, it’s my house.
我在这里长大
I grew up here.
这是我爸妈的房♥子
It was my parents’ but now it’s mine.
现在是我的
这是我爸妈的房♥子
It was my parents’ but now it’s mine.
现在是我的
他们怎么死的？
How did they die?
我跟你说过，车祸
I told you.
Car crash.
天哪
God.
我也死了
I was dead too.
大概十秒钟
For 10 seconds.
真的？
Really?
什么感觉？
What was it like?
只有十秒
It was only 10 seconds.
对，但感觉是怎样？
Yes, but what did it feel like?
没什么感觉
It felt like nothing.
几乎没有，完全空白
Literally nothing.
A total empty void.
Oh.
我爸妈也死了
My parents are dead too.
瞧瞧我们，两个受创的孤儿
Well, look at us.
Two scarred orphans.
他们是被压死的
They were crushed.
压死的？
Crushed?
我们去吃冰淇淋
We went for ice cream.
我爸妈手挽着手
My parents were arm in arm,
互舔对方的冰淇淋
taking licks of each other’s ice creams,
笑着
laughing.
洋溢着爱
So much in love.
他们没看见钢琴掉下来
They didn’t see the piano fall
我妈被碾碎在路上
Mum was splattered all over the pavement.
我爸还活着
Dad was still alive.
爸！
Dad, dad!
他看起来好…
He looked so surprised.
惊讶
他看起来好…
He looked so surprised.
惊讶
不要，爸
Hold on, Dad!
过来，儿子
Come here, son.
我想：天哪！
And I thought, “Oh my god, this is it.”
就是这个
那一刻，在生死的边缘
“At this moment, on the very edge of life,”
他要告诉我最大的秘密
“he’s about to give me its great secret.”
但他就…死了
But he just died.
那是…
That’s…
那是生命的诡计
That’s life’s great trick,
让你以为它会永远下去，你会是例外
to make you think it’ll last forever,
that you might be the exception.
让人难以忍♥受的是
That’s what’s so unbearable, when you realize
之后你了解不是这样
让人难以忍♥受的是
That’s what’s so unbearable, when you realize
之后你了解不是这样
that you’re not.
之后你了解不是这样
之后你了解不是这样
我们来吧
Let’s do it.
干嘛？
What?
自杀啊！
Kill ourselves.
现在？
What, now?
对，不好吗？
Yeah, why not?
我们干嘛还要挣扎？有什么理由？