一周不死，全额退款（2018）

What?
我想我运气太差了
Well, I wasn’t having much luck on my own
决定还是外包好了
so I thought I’d outsource it.
外包？
Outsource it?
市场研究可外包
You outsource market research,
网页设计可外包
you outsource website design,
自杀不能外包吧？
you don’t outsource suicide.
我就外包了
I did.
现在怎么办？
What happens now Brian’s dead and you’re not?
布莱恩死了，你没死
现在怎么办？
What happens now Brian’s dead and you’re not?
布莱恩死了，你没死
不知道
I don’t know.
合约一周内有效
The contract lasts a week.
真好！那我们的书呢？
Great!
And what about our book?
不行，你要延期
You know what?
You have to postpone it.
什么？
Post, what?
或者取消
Or call it off.
你有他电♥话♥吗？
I don’t know.
打给他说合约取消
You got his number?
You just, you call him and tell him the deal’s off.
这是不能退的
But I think it’s a non-refundable kind of thing.
我签了合约
I signed a contract.
不能退？
Non-refundable?
Mm-hmm.
你同意被一杀手刺杀
You’ve agreed to be killed by a hitman,
我怀疑这会有法律效力
I doubt that’s legally binding.
打给他
Call him.
狗屎
Shit.
干！
Fucking thing.
哈啰
Um, hello.
哈啰
Hello.
你好吗？
How are you?
我很好，你呢？
Yes, I’m fine.
很好，谢谢
You?
Good, thank you.
我在想…
In fact, I’ve been thinking and I’m thinking
我可能要取消那件事
that I might want to call it off.
什么？
What?
对，很抱歉
Sorry about that.
但你签了合约了
But you signed a contract.
对，我知道
Yes, I know, but look, things have changed…
但情况变了
对，我知道
Yes, I know, but look, things have changed…
对，我知道
Yes, I know, but look, things have changed…
你没看附属条款吗？我们有协议
Didn’t you read the small print?
We’ve got an agreement.
我们签了约
We have a contract.
那没有法律效力
It’s not legally binding!
老天，你负点责任吧
Oh, Jesus Christ!
我已经尽力了
Take some responsibility!
我只差一个业积
I’m doing the best I can.
现在你要取消
I’m one kill away and now you want to call it off.
我跟你说，去死吧！
Oh look, I tell you what, fuck you.
不
我们快走
We need to go.
Oh!
You found carousel to ride around
Take the mess out of his specs
And the size of his arm
Force him to dress in black
Then make him hold holster
While you shoot him in the back
And you say I’m only writing songs
Son, get off your ass and get a proper job
Here.
What?
喂，你干嘛？
Oi, what are you…
抱歉，已经登录了
No, I’m sorry but it’s already in the system.
等等
Oi!
快走
Go, go!
要去哪里？
Where are we going?
我知道一个地方
I know somewhere!
Just a tin tan toy
A big fat boy
我的老天！
Oh, for God’s sake.
Oh, boy
Ahhhh
I’m just a tin pan boy
Gonna take my toys
Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor
Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor
You’re just a tin pan toy
A big fat boy
Hey, you, Mr. Inheritor
Boy
Oh, boy
Boy
我去开酒，你生火
I’ll do wine.
You do fire.
哈啰，雷斯
Hello, Les.
哈维
Harvey.
好像出了点狗屎事情
So, we’re in a bit of shit here.
– 哈维 – 你似乎是那狗屎来源
Harvey…
你是狗屎制♥造♥厂
You are the source of that shit.
不断生产狗屎
You’re a shit factory.
An incontinent shit factory.
我在修补了
But, I’m fixing it.
怎么修补？
How are you doing that?
对交通警♥察♥开枪？
By shooting a traffic warden?
那是意外
That was an accident.
你现在真是个麻烦了，是吧？
You’re a real black spot at the moment, aren’t you?
比14号♥公路还麻烦
Worse than the fucking A14.
问题是，雷斯利
The problem, Leslie, is that our business
我们是干♥死♥亡生意的
is life and death and we can’t afford to have accidents,
不能有任何意外，了解吗？
我们是干♥死♥亡生意的
is life and death and we can’t afford to have accidents,
understand?
不能有任何意外，了解吗？
understand?
我们很专业
We’re professionals.
不会失手
We don’t miss.
有谁听过杀手手会发抖的？
Whoever heard of an assassin with a shaky hand?
你不会看见米高福克斯到处开枪吧？
You don’t see Michael J Fox running around
shooting people, do you?
为什么？
And why not?
因为他瞄不准
Because he’d be fucking terrible at it.
他为他的慈善机构专心募款
No, Michael J Fox sticks to raising money for his charity.
也不太演戏了，很可惜
He doesn’t even do much acting anymore,
我是他的粉丝
which is a shame because I’m a big fan of Michael J Fox.
《回到未来》、《成功的秘密》
Back to the Future, Secret of my Success…
《一家之鼠》
Stuart Little.
怎么提这部？怎么谈起这部？
Why mention that?
他有演那部
Why bring that up?
只有声音，他只有配音
He’s in it.
Only the voice, only the fucking voice.
你举《好莱坞医生》不是很好吗？
Now, if you’d said Doc Hollywood, I’d agree with you.
《18岁之狼》
Teen Wolf.
没错，《18岁之狼》
Teen Wolf, exactly.
但他不拍电影了
But he doesn’t do films anymore
因为他知道他演不了了
because he knows he’s not up to it.
你懂我说的意思吗？
Do you see what I’m saying?
不太懂
Not really.
我解释给你
Let me explain.
你玩完了
You’re done.
什么意思？
What do you mean?
好
Okay,
不，没有更清楚的方式了
no there’s no clearer way I can say this.
你玩完了
You are done.
你不能开除我
You can’t fire me.
你没达到业积
You haven’t made your quota.
我只差一个
But I’m only one hit away.
听好，发抖的！你失手了，两次
Listen Shakin’ Stevens.
You missed, twice.
你本来有机会，但现在呢…
You’ve had a good run.
But as of now…
我们还送你个礼物
We even got you a present.
瞧瞧
Look at that.
可爱吧？
Fucking lovely.
就因为我杀了交通警♥察♥？
Wha, for shooting a traffic warden?
没人会在乎什么交通警♥察♥
Come on!