一周不死，全额退款（2018）

布莱恩快到了
Brian is on his way.
告诉我
Tell me.
你想过很多死亡的事吧？
You’ve thought a lot about dying, right?
难以计数
More than most.
你愿意被鲨鱼吃或被熊劈死？
Would you rather be eaten by sharks or mauled by a bear?
Uh, I think sharks.
大概鲨鱼吧
Uh, I think sharks.
大概鲨鱼吧
可能牠们比较有效
They seem more efficient.
我不会建议狮子
I wouldn’t recommend lions.
有一次我去动物园
I tried jumping into the lion enclosure at the zoo once,
跳进狮子群中
but all the lions were asleep.
牠们通通在睡觉
跳进狮子群中
but all the lions were asleep.
跳进狮子群中
but all the lions were asleep.
十分钟后我只好爬出来
After 10 minutes I had to climb out again.
真好笑
That’s funny.
你知道每年因河马致死的人
Did you know that there are more people killed every year
超过狮子加鲨鱼加熊的总和？
by hippos than by lions, sharks and bears combined.
那样死真太丢人了
I mean, that’s an embarrassing way to die.
被河马弄死
To be killed by a hippo.
我父母是被河马弄死的
My parents were killed by a hippo.
抱歉
Oh.
Sorry.
开玩笑的，我父母不是死于河马
I’m joking.
My parents weren’t killed by a hippo.
哈
Oh, ha.
他们死于车祸
They died in a car crash.
好，谈你的书
So, your book.
你很有趣
You’re very interesting
是好的方面？
In a good way?
布莱恩来了
Ah, here comes Brian.
跟他说是我说的，他智障
Well, you can tell him from me he’s a fucking moron.
不只这样，他是白♥痴♥，一个大白♥痴♥
In fact worse, he’s an idiot.
A big fucking idiot.
白♥痴♥比智障惨
No, idiot is worse than moron.
白♥痴♥是最惨的，公认的
Idiot is the worst.
Officially, it’s a medical term.
医学名词
Extreme mental retardation.
极端心智迟缓
医学名词
Extreme mental retardation.
白♥痴♥、蠢货、智障，排序是这样
Idiot, imbecile, moron, that’s the sequence.
极端心智迟缓
白♥痴♥、蠢货、智障，排序是这样
Idiot, imbecile, moron, that’s the sequence.
你知道智障之后是什么？
Do you know what’s after moron?
呆笨？不
Cretin?
呆笨不同，呆笨比较是生理的
No, cretin is different.
Cretin is more of a physical thing.
你就这么做！不然开除你
Just do it will you or you’re both fired!
你妈妈该不会是低能吧？
Your mum’s not retarded or anything is she?
我妈死了
My mum’s dead.
感谢主！不然就尴尬了
Oh, thank god for that!
威廉，这是布莱恩
That would have been awkward!
This is Brian Bentley.
我公♥司♥老板
My boss at the company.
我们喜欢那本书
We love the book.
真♥他♥妈♥黑暗
Fucking dark.
是迟钝
It’s dull by the way.
应该不会吧
I wouldn’t say that.
我承认我还没看
Admittedly I haven’t read it, but Ellie loves it.
但艾丽很喜欢，说它可以大卖♥♥
Says it could be huge.
你有推特吗？
Are you on Twitter?
我是指智障之后
I meant after moron.
喔，对，那个排序
Oh, the retards thing!
没错，迟钝
Yeah, that’s right, dull.
我曾有个女友很迟钝，公认的
You know, I once had a girlfriend who was dull.
我们要谈威廉的书
Officially…
对，我们想把它变成一本
We were talking about William’s book.
Oh, yeah.
白♥痴♥自♥杀♥手♥册♥
So look, we want to turn it into a sort of
Idiots Guide to Suicide.
你觉得怎样？
What do you think?
当然不是给医学上的白♥痴♥
Not medical idiots obviously.
我怀疑他们识不识字
I mean, I doubt those guys can fucking read.
听起来很烂
It sounds awful.
不是那样
That’s not really what, no,
布莱恩的意思是
Brian meant that we want to use the core of
用你书中的精髓
your book to give a personal insight
提供自杀世界里的个人观点
用你书中的精髓
your book to give a personal insight
提供自杀世界里的个人观点
into the world of suicide.
提供自杀世界里的个人观点
into the world of suicide.
你真的自杀过七次？
Have you really tried to kill yourself seven times?
把求救的也算上，有十次
10, if you count cries for help.
天哪，你看起来没那么失常
Jesus!
艾丽跟我说的时候
You don’t seem that disturbed.
我以为你是用面包刀割腕
When Ellie told me about this I thought you’d be trying
to cut your wrists with the bread knife.
你书中有一种勇气
You know there’s a bravery in your writing
说这世界着迷于平庸之事
to acknowledge that the world’s obsession with the banal
只是因为要逃避
is simply a distraction from the nagging fear
对自我存在毫无意义的恐惧
that our existence has no meaning.
人都不满且寂寞
People are discontented and lonely.
我想你的书可以跟他们连结
I think your book will connect with them.
另外，人都爱压抑的玩意
Plus people love shit that’s depressing,
让他们觉得
makes them feel better about their own crappy lives.
自己的狗屁生活好像比人家好
让他们觉得
makes them feel better about their own crappy lives.
让他们觉得
makes them feel better about their own crappy lives.
你想你真的会自杀吗？
Hey, do you really think you will kill yourself?
– 大概 – 很好！
Probably.
要是正好同时出他的平装版？
Great.
Just thinking we could coincide it with a paperback release.
反正他都要死嘛！
Well, if he’s going to do it anyway!
我正想跟你们谈死后再出版
I actually wanted to ask about posthumous publication?
假设啦！
Just hypothetically.
我们很想跟你合作
We really want to work with you.
很高兴你们喜欢我的书
I’m so pleased you like my book,
但要弄成手册这想法
but this guide idea,
好像还蛮花功夫的
it sounds like a lot of work
我目前没有太多时间
and I don’t have much time at the moment.
自杀让你很忙？
Killing yourself keeping you busy?
你不用全都自己做
You wouldn’t have to do it all yourself.
艾丽当你的编辑
Ellie would be your editor.
如果可以的话？
If that’s okay?
这是大好机会
This is great opportunity, mate.
一生只有一次，蛮讽刺的
Once in a lifetime, ironically.
这个机会能让你说你想说的
This is a chance for you to say
而且被人听见
what you want and be heard.
对，你到底想说什么？
Yes.
What is that exactly?
死亡不可怕
That death is nothing to fear.
那是我们都共有的
It’s what we all have in common.
那里面有一种安心
There is something reassuring in that.
让我觉得较不茫然
Makes me feel less adrift.
老天
Jesus Christ!
我不是因为你需要抱抱
I’m not publishing your book
才出版你的书
just because you need a fucking hug.
要卖♥♥钱才行
It’s got to sell.
这就是当今的问题
That’s the problem these days,
每个人都想表达
everyone feels a need to express every detail
他们悲惨生活中的每个细节
of their pathetic lives
就为提醒大家他们的存在
to remind us of their existence.
我推特故我在
I tweet therefore I am.
谁在乎啊！
No one fucking cares!
我宁愿给自己一枪，也不想听…
I’d rather shoot myself in the head
than have to listen to the opinions of these…
可恶！
Oh balls.
威廉，趴下
William, get down!
好好死吧！