一周不死，全额退款（2018）

If you’re serious.
I’m serious.
认真到打电♥话♥给杀手
How serious?
Serious enough to phone an assassin.
这够认真吧？
That serious enough?
我怎么知道你是真的认真
How do I know you are really serious
还是嘴巴说说？
and not just saying you’re really serious?
我们在桥上碰面那次
When we met, on the bridge, that wasn’t my first time.
那不是我第一次
我们在桥上碰面那次
When we met, on the bridge, that wasn’t my first time.
那不是我第一次
继续
Go on.
那是第七次
That was the seventh.
把求救过的也算，是十次
Tenth if you count the cries for help.
我试过上吊
I tried hanging,
吸一氧化碳
gassing,
喝酒吞药
booze and pills,
电击
electrocution.
还走上大马路
Oh, and I waked into a main road.
那怎么没死？
How did you survive that?
我被救护车撞到
I was hit by an ambulance.
没人比我更会救人了
You couldn’t be in better hands.
真好
Great.
天哪，你真的需要我
Oh, Jesus Christ.
You really do need me.
我开始担心我是不死之身
I started to worry that I might be immortal.
我没碰过我杀不死的人
I’ve never met anyone I couldn’t kill.
我写了一本书叫
Actually I wrote a book on the topic.
《我一次次赴死》
My Many Deaths.
还没出版
It’s unpublished.
好
Okay, so how do you want this to happen?
你想要怎么做？
好
Okay, so how do you want this to happen?
你想要怎么做？
你不会想勒死我吧？
You’re not going to garotte me are you?
我不想被勒死
I don’t want to be garotted.
你为何会那么想？
What makes you think that?
我对被勒死有强烈感觉
I’m getting a strong feeling of garotting.
因为圆领衫？
Is it the polo neck?
有一点
It’s not helping.
不勒死
No garotting.
我向你保证
You have my word.
还有什么选择？
So, what are my options?
来
Here, look, I’ve got a brochure.
我有一本简介
来
Here, look, I’ve got a brochure.
来
Here, look, I’ve got a brochure.
原来你是这样
So, you just hang around bridges,
在桥边散步找客户？
trying to find clients?
桥、悬崖、高建物…就那些地方
Bridges, cliffs, tall buildings.
Usual places.
自杀比大家想的困难多了
Killing yourself is a lot harder than people think.
这还用你说！
Tell me about it.
这几年传统杀手的工作少了
There’s not much work for a conventional hitman
these days.
都被东欧人抢走
All the Eastern Europeans taking our jobs.
我要达成一定业积，刚好你及时出现
But I had to meet my quota somehow.
So, you came along just at the right time, as it happens.
这个怎么样？
What about this one?
喔，英雄之死
Ah, the hero’s death.
这个很完美
This would be perfect.
因为救小孩而死
Killed saving the life of a child, a beautiful nurse
一位美女护士
因为救小孩而死
Killed saving the life of a child, a beautiful nurse
一位美女护士
在我流血的尸体旁哭泣
crying over my bloodied body,
一小群人聚集
a small crowd gathered.
也许在鼓掌？
Maybe they’re clapping?
你认识什么美女护士？
Do you know a beautiful nurse?
不认识
No.
你会接近到小孩？
Do you have access to a child?
不会
No.
也不是不能做
Well I’m not saying I can’t do it,
牵涉到许多行政工作，不便宜
but there’s a lot of admin involved.
你预算多少？
And it’s not cheap.
What’s your budget?
我大概有两千
Well, I’ve got around two grand.
两千？
Two thousand?
我都懒得倒车撞死你
I wouldn’t reverse over you in a Ford Fiesta for that money.
那可以怎样？
Well what can you do?
快速无痛
Quick and painless.
– 喔 – 连这个我都算你便宜了
Right.
通常两千只能快速但痛苦
And even then I’m doing you a deal.
For two grand, it’s usually quick but painful.
怎么做？
How?
我从远距离射杀你
Well, I’d shoot you.
一枪毙命，你根本不会发现
From a distance.
One shot.
You’d never see it coming.
好，一言为定
Okay.
太好了
Deal.
来，这是标准合约
Excellent.
Here we go.
– 名字？ – 威廉莫瑞森
Standard contract.
Name?
– 地址？ – 德瑞克街27-3号♥
William Morrison.
Address?
Flat three, 27 Drake St.
想死的理由？
Reason for wanting death?
你为什么想死？
Why do you want to die?
得了绝症？因为钱？
Is it terminal illness?
Money problems?
你可曾想过，这一切有什么意义？
Do you ever wonder what’s the point?
– 常常啊！ – 我活着干嘛？
Frequently.
What’s the point of me?
我怎么在这里？
Why am I here?
我有什么贡献？
What am I contributing?
我经常想这些
I think about that all the time.
不断不断地想
Over and over and over.
我想让脑袋关机
And I want to switch my brain off,
but it builds until it becomes unbearable.
但越想越多，多到无法忍♥受
but it builds until it becomes unbearable.
但越想越多，多到无法忍♥受
像是脑袋着火，从里面开始燃烧
It’s like my brain is on fire,
我想停止它，不要有感觉
like it’s burning from the inside.
And I want it to stop, to feel nothing.
我从没跟人说过这些
I’ve never talked to anyone about this.
我们早就在死
We’re already dying.
只是死得很慢
Just very slowly.
生命是漫长的绝症…
Life’s one long terminal il…
好了
Yeah, yeah, look it’s a very small box.
格子太小，我就写癌症
I’ll write cancer.
好吧
Okay.
好，这里签名
All right, sign here.
太好了
Excellent.
恭喜
Well, congratulations.
你已经签了死亡授权书
You’ve just signed your own death warrant.
你哪时要做？
When will it happen?
钱汇进我们账户的一周内
Oh, anytime within a week
of the money clearing our account.
钱要先付清？
All the money up front?
事后要怎么拿钱？
Well we can’t get it afterwards, can we?
但我怎么知道不是诈骗？
But how do I know this isn’t a scam?
你有什么证书吗？
Do you have any references?
我给你一串坟墓名单让你去看
I’ll give you a list of graves you can visit.
你的钱会汇进第三方账户
You pay the money into an escrow account
由英国杀手协会管理
run by the British Guild of Assassins.
你死之前，钱不会汇给我
The money isn’t transferred to me until after your death.
要是你一周内没死
And if you’re not dead within a week,
保证退费
you’ll get your money back.
杀手协会？没听过
The Guild of Assassins?
Never heard of it.
我们没打广♥告♥
We don’t advertise.
靠口碑总是很有限
And the word of mouth is limited.
那像是个工会？