我就是这样做 我说得对吗
Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. Am I right about that?
老天
Oh, God.
在朋友圈可以随意涂鸦
And we own the paint in the Friend Zone.
肯定会失去一些 没关系
And sure we’re gonna lose some. Doesn’t matter.
会失去很多 坦白说
We’re gonna lose a lot, I’ll be frank with you.
你知道些什么
Well, what do you know?
布拉德替你谈那很琐碎的话
Brad’s having that nitty-gritty talk for you.
有人来处理棘手的问题一定很爽吧
Must be nice to have someone to handle the tough stuff, huh?
最终会保持联♥系♥
And eventually you’ll keep in touch.
甚至被邀请参加她们的婚礼
You might even be invited to their wedding!
她们爸爸说“布拉德 你在这里干什么”
And their dad’s like, “Brad, what are you doing here?
“特丽莎不认识你”
“Teresa never talks about you!”
然后你说“我来赴会”
And you’re like, “I’m invited.”
然后他说“我不知道”
And he’s, “I wonder about that.”
然后你给他们看证据
And you show them the proof!
一定要带上婚礼请柬
Always bring the wedding invite with you.
那他们就不能把你赶走 -好的
Then they can’t kick you out. -Okay.
但你知道她最终没有和你在一起
But you’ll be sad ultimately knowing that she’s not with you,
你会很难过 就像一盘悲伤的歌♥曲
and you want to prepare yourself with, like, a mixtape of sad songs.
芝加哥乐队的歌♥曲都很不错
Anything from Chicago is usually pretty good.
♪ 如果你现在离开我 ♪
* If you leave me now *
♪ 你带走了我最大部分 ♪
* You take away the biggest part of me *
我不太懂那首歌♥
I don’t really know that song.
♪ 噢 宝贝 请不要走 ♪
* Ooh-wee, no, baby, please don’t go *
等等 不行 迪连
Wait! No, no, no! Dylan,
这是给你的最坏建议
that is the worst advice anyone could give you.
听你♥爸♥爸说
Listen to your dad, please.
没事的 爸爸 不必再谈
It’s okay, Dad. We don’t have to talk about it.
小家伙 等等 听我说
No, no, buddy, buddy, wait, wait, look!
这东西都是关于自信
Hey, this stuff is all about confidence.
你要相信你就是她能找到的最好
You just got to believe you’re the best she’s ever gonna find.
你要完全相信 她也会相信 我向你保证
You believe that to your core, and she will, too, I promise you.
但如果她不是呢
But what if she doesn’t?
你不能害怕被拒绝
Buddy, you can’t be afraid of rejection.
那就永远找不到爱
You’ll never find love
如果你害怕不敢表现出来
if you’re too scared to put yourself out there.
嘿 眼镜男
Hey, Goggles?
槲寄生就是你的票
Mistletoe is your ticket.
你直接走向她 把这个悬在她的头上
You walk right up to her, you dangle this over her head,
然后把你的意大利吸面对准她
and then you slap your spaghetti suckers right on her.
我不知道这样是否合适
I don’t know if that’s appropriate.
这是由来已久的节日传统 圣诞大战先生
It’s a time-honored holiday tradition, Mr. War-On-Christmas.
然后狠狠地在她屁♥股♥上打一巴掌
Then you give her a nice smack on the caboose
告诉她是多么幸运的女孩
and tell her what a lucky girl she is.
别听那个 -对 别听那部分
Don’t listen to that part, all right? -Yeah, don’t listen to that part.
听我说
Look at me. Look at me.
你想进入布拉德那样的朋友圈
You want to be like Brad and be in the Friend Zone,
还是想进入爸爸那样的朋友圈
or you wanna be Dad and get in the end zone?
我像你这么大时这招很管用
This worked for me when I was your age.
你想要这一个
You want to go for it, buddy?
来吧 你行的
Come on, you can do this.
♪ 像我们这样的爱已经很难找 ♪
* A love like ours is love that’s hard to find *
♪ 我们怎么能让爱溜走 ♪
* How could we let it slip away? *
我更喜欢布拉德的方式
No! I like Brad’s way more.
我只想做她的朋友 听听她的问题
I just want to be her friend and listen to her problems!
我的树
My tree, my tree, my tree, my tree.
我的树
My tree, my tree.
我能喊“木材”吗
Can I yell “Timber”?
当然可以 宝贝 -好
Sure can, sweetheart. -Yay!
这样好吗
Is this okay?
这些树能放进木屋吗
Are any of these trees even gonna fit in the cabin?
把上面的二十五英尺砍掉
We’re gonna cut off the top 25 feet
把剩下的劈成木柴 唐
and chop the rest up for firewood, Don.
噢
Oh.
这才是我记忆中的达斯蒂破坏王
Now, this is the Duster Buster I remember.
可以制定自己规则的坏蛋
A certified badass that makes his own rules!
去找棵合意的树
Go find a good tree, would you?
我不是很懂 库尔特
Boy, I don’t know about this, Kurt.
在公共土地上砍伐树木不违法吗
Isn’t it illegal to harvest a tree from public lands?
见鬼 这是联邦犯罪
Oh, hell, yeah. It’s a federal crime.
我劝他别这样做 但你知道那家伙有多固执
I tried to talk him out of it, but you know how stubborn that kid can be.
好的
Okay.
达斯蒂 我知道你对迪连很不高兴
Dusty, look, I know you’re upset about Dylan, but I just…
我说了 我没生气 我们是合作爸爸
I told you, Brad, I’m not upset, all right? We’re co-dads!
他喜欢你糟糕的建议 我不介意
If he prefers your terrible advice, fine, I’m cool with that.
我只想找到一棵合意的圣诞树
I just want to find the perfect Together Christmas tree.
我不知道这是不是最好的选择
Well, I just don’t know if it’s the best choice, you know?
也许我们不会每次都照你说的做
Well, maybe we’re not always gonna do everything your way every time.
天堂也闹麻烦
Trouble in paradise, fellas?
我们在选树 -只是在聊天
No, we’re picking a tree. -Just having a conversation.
教父
El Padre!
过来看
Lookit!
怎么了 孩子们 找到一只死松鼠了
Hey, what, kids? What, you find a dead squirrel?
没必要按我的方式做事
We don’t have to do things my way.
真的 -是的
Really? -Yeah.
棒球赛零食呢
What about baseball snack?
我只想分发水果卷 这有什么大不了的
I just wanted to give out Fruit Roll-Ups, and what’s the big deal?
我觉得有机水果更有营养
No, I just feel like organic fruit is much more nutritious
而不是什么水果卷
than its rolled-up counterpart.
是吗 -是的
Yeah? -Yeah.
梅根的透景画呢 你不想采纳我的主意
And what about Megan’s diorama? You didn’t want to use any of my ideas.
你唯一的想法就是猪湾
Your only idea was the Bay of Pigs!
那是我们国家历史上的一件大事
But it’s an important event in our nation’s history!
很血腥
It was bloody.
你让她做绿色能源 这样你就像个完美爸爸
You wanted her to do green energy so you could look Mr. Perfect Dad.
我不是完美爸爸 -你行动像个完美爸爸
I’m not Mr. Perfect Dad. -You act like Mr. Perfect Dad.
我不是完美爸爸
I’m not Mr. Perfect Dad.
我们不必按我的方式做事
And we don’t have to do things my way.
是吗 -是的
Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
你以为我不会使用电锯
Okay. You don’t think I can operate a chainsaw, do you?
我在童子军里获得林地管理徽章
Guess who got his woodlands management badge in Webelos.
我行 布拉德·惠特克
I did! Brad Whitaker.
啊
Ah!
达斯蒂 这一棵完美对称
Dusty, look at this one. Perfectly symmetrical.
好的
Okay.
对了
Oh, yeah.
留意护林员
Keep an eye out for rangers!
我得找到一个六十度角的顶部切口
I’ve got to pinpoint a 60 degree angle top cut.
这是第一步
That’s what I’m gonna do first.
太好了 就像切黄油
Oh, yeah! She’s cutting like butter!
布拉德 那不是
Hey, Brad, isn’t that a…
别去
Hold it, hold it!
木材
Timber!
哇
Wow!
你砍倒了手♥机♥信♥号♥♥塔
Brad, you cut down a cell phone tower.
干嘛砍倒手♥机♥信♥号♥♥塔
Why’d you cut down a cell phone tower?
没有信♥号♥♥
No bars? No bars?
太棒了 -起来
That was excellent! -Get up.
真是帅呆了 -起来
You really stuck that landing, man. -Would you get up?
我会给你打九点二分
I’d give you a 9.2 on my card.
布拉德 起来 -布拉德又死了
Brad, get up. -I think Brad’s dead again.
你害死这个可怜的家伙
Man, you killed the poor bastard!
布拉德 别走向那道光
Brad, don’t go into the light!
没事 宝贝 教父会救回他
It’s okay, sweetheart. El Padre will bring him back.
走开一点 -我知道了
Stand clear. -I got it, all right?
我们在这里都是你的错
It’s your fault we’re even out here.
你进入我们的大脑 开始干扰我和布拉德
You’re getting in our heads and starting static between me and Brad.
你和布拉德之间已经有很多静电了
There’s plenty of static between you and Brad already.
在你的心里 你希望他死
And you know what? Deep down, you want him dead, don’t you?
你可以说
You can say it.