扯蛋圣诞史（2016）

有证据显示 他们确实会吃过十分新奇的东西
There is evidence that they ate very exotic things,
但是应该只有极度富有的人才吃得起
but that would have been the very, very richest people.
我认为孔雀最棒的地方倒是它们的尾羽
I suppose the best thing about them as well is that tail
而且吃起来不会有什么怪味 对不
and that’s not going to taste of anything, is it?
不 尾羽仅仅是拿来展示
No, that’s purely for display.
嗯 – 是的
Hmm. – Yeah.
那么 就像您说的 都铎圣诞节必须吃孔雀
A Tudor Christmas, then, they’d have peacock, like you say…
不 我想这个应该是你说的
No, I think like YOU said.
那皇室成员吃孔雀吗
The Royals had peacock?
老实说 我并不知道在都铎那时
I don’t know how much peacock
人们吃掉了多少孔雀
was eaten in Tudor days, I’ll be honest.
这对他们的肠胃有何影响呢
How did that affect their bowels, you know,
最终他们会从后♥穴♥排泄出什么东西
what comes out of their back holes?
我不了解 我想如果他们吃太多的话
I don’t know. I suppose, if they were eating too much,
应该会造成一些排便问题
it would have caused certain bowel issues.
我觉得吃得是肉 非常多的肉
I suppose meat, lots of meat…
大量的肉会 – 挤压在一起
Lots of meat can… – Compacted together.
对 会挤压在一起
Can compact, yes.
然后形成那类又大又硬的粪便
And make sort of big, hard stools.
那会让人非常不舒服
It would have been uncomfortable,
我是这么想的 可我也只是猜猜而已
I imagine, but I’m only guessing.
你看 如果我是一个食品专家
See, that would’ve been the first bit that I’d have gone to
这会是我想要了解的第一件事
if I was a food expert.
就在我们的祖先
Just when our ancestors
越来越融入圣诞节的狂欢中之时
were getting well into Christmas indulgence,
历史却被一个对欢乐过敏的人弄得天翻地覆
history shat out someone who was allergic to fun,
奥利弗·克伦威尔 17世纪英国资产阶级革命代表人物 曾逼迫英国君主退位 并转英国为资产阶级共和国 个人出任护国公 成为英国事实上的国家元首
奥利佛·克伦威尔 清教♥徒♥之王
Oliver Cromwell, king of the Puritans.
杰里米·科尔宾 英国工党党♥魁♥ 留欧派 提倡国有化
克伦威尔曾是国会议员成员
Cromwell was a Member of Parliament
既不注重穿衣打扮 也不苟言笑
who wouldn’t wear smart clothes and never smiled,
有点像杰里米·科尔宾
a bit like Jeremy Corbyn.
科尔宾曾拍摄声称自己坐火车找不到座 只好坐在地板上度过3小时的旅程 后来列车公♥司♥检查车厢监控发现科尔宾所乘坐那节火车根本没满员 拍完视频后科尔宾还找了个位置就坐
正如科尔宾一样 克伦威尔想要改变这个国家
And, just like Corbyn, he wanted to change the country.
但他并没有只是去坐在火车上
But instead of sitting down on a train,
他站了起来并且干了件大事
he got off his arse and did something about it –
他发动了一场内战
by starting a Civil War.
内战就像一场真正的战争
Civil War is like a real war,
只是战场不在国外 所以花得不多
but not abroad, so it’s cheaper,
这意味着不仅限于君主们 普通人也可发动一场内战
and that meant ordinary people could start one, not just kings.
英国内战使国家内部分化为两大阵营
The English Civil War divided the country down the middle,
就像一种武装形式的脱欧行为
like a sort of tooled-up Brexit.
克伦威尔大获全胜 并砍下国王的脑袋
Cromwell won and cut the king’s head off,
这意味着这个国王再也当不了国王了
which meant he couldn’t be the king any more,
哪怕大家都已经回心转意
even if everyone changed their minds.
如今英国公众已经拿回控制权
Now the British public had taken back control.
再也不用听从君主任何指令
No longer did they have to do whatever the king said.
取而代之的是 公众可以自♥由♥去做那些克伦威尔曾经说过的事
Instead, they were free to do whatever Cromwell said.
而实际上克伦威尔厌恶君王喜爱的一切事物
It turned out Cromwell hated all of the things kings like,
比方说吃到撑 打个嗝 和听音乐
like feasting and burping and music
还有把鸡腿扔到身后 还有哈哈大笑
and throwing chicken legs over his shoulder and laughing,
而这些都只是冰山一角
and that was just the tip of the turnip,
因为在16♥4♥7年 克伦威尔直接禁止了圣诞节
because, in 16♥4♥7, Cromwell banned Christmas.
清教♥徒♥是这么解释的
According to the Puritans,
因为圣经中并未记载圣诞节
Christians shouldn’t celebrate christmas
所以基♥督♥教♥徒♥不应该庆祝这节日
because it’s not in the Bible.
相反 他们应该待在教堂内
Instead, they should be inside a church,
圣经中并未记载这一点
which isn’t in the Bible,
教♥徒♥还应该阅读圣经 可圣经中也没有记载这一点
reading the Bible, which isn’t in the Bible.
圣诞节的禁令一直持续到克伦威尔死去后
The ban on Christmas continued until after Cromwell’s death,
然而 直到1660年 我们才在树上找到一名新国王
but, by 1660, we’d found a new king, up a tree.
这个新国王居然还有着头
The new king even had a head,
虽然他的头看起来有点像是
although it looked a bit like it belonged to
<只有傻瓜和马> 1981年至1991年期间于BBC播出的情景喜剧
<只有傻瓜和马> 里的Boycie的头
Boycie off Only Fools And Horses.
现在君主已回来继位 清教♥徒♥就失去了恩宠
And now the monarch was back and the Puritans had buggered off,
圣诞节也拥有了更多节日性 更少的宗教性
Christmas was free to become more festive and less religious.
多年来 耶稣·H·圣诞
For years, Jesus H Christmas
是这个节日里出镜率最高的一张面孔
was the number one face of the festive period,
Captain Birdseye是Birdseye海货公♥司♥的吉祥物 是个穿制♥服♥大胡子船长的卡♥通♥形象
就像是圣诞节的Captain Birdseye
very much the Captain Birdseye of Christmas Day,
但是他对这个至高无上的彩条王国的统治
but his rule over his mighty tinsel kingdom
受到了来自圣诞老公公的威胁
was to be threatened by this man, Father Christmas,
道上人称 圣诞老人
street name – Santa Claus.
就像耶稣一样 圣诞老人被当作
Like Jesus, Father Christmas
是一种让孩子守规矩的诱惑存在
is used as a bribe to make children behave,
虽然对于他来说 奖励并不是永恒的救赎
although, in his case, the prize isn’t eternal salvation,
而是礼物
but presents.
难怪当圣诞老人到来的那一刻
No wonder the moment Santa came on the scene
耶稣就玩完了
it was game over for Jesus,
他不得不接受在全球圣像行业中
who had to accept a lower ranking job
排名更靠后一点的工作
in the global icon industry.
那么 圣诞老人是从哪来的
So, where did Santa come from?
如果你想到北极
If you’re thinking the North Pole,
那是因为你的父母对你撒谎了
that’s because your parents lied to you.
实际上 他是从历史书页走出来的
He actually stepped out of the pages of history.
圣诞老人从哪里来呢
Where did Father Christmas come from?
圣诞老人源于圣尼古拉
Father Christmas comes from Saint Nicholas
他是四世纪的一个希腊圣人和主教
and he is a fourth-century Greek saint and bishop,
他因非常喜欢施舍礼物给贫穷♥人♥♥民♥而著称
and he was very renowned for giving presents to the poor
有三个姐妹因出身贫寒筹不到嫁妆 前两个女儿长大了 父亲正要将她们卖♥♥去妓院 却分别收到圣尼古拉从窗口扔进的两袋金币 女孩们得以免去沦为妓♥女♥的悲惨命运
特别是他将礼物送给了那三个女孩
and particularly he gave presents to these three girls.
如果他没有施舍这些钱
If he hadn’t given them the money,
这些女孩将被赶出家门成为妓♥女♥
they would have had to go off and be prostitutes.
那么为什么他会与这些妓♥女♥一起闲逛呢
So why was he knocking about with these prostitutes?
我不认为他很了解这些人
I don’t think he knew them very well,
他只是 – 了解到愿意去给他们施舍礼物
it’s just that… – Well, well enough to give them gifts. .
去给他们钱 我不觉得呃
Give them money. I don’t think…
我认为他只是想要将他们从恐惧之中解脱出来
I think he just wanted to save them from the horrors of…
我想因为基本上
I think because basically…
他们都这么说 不是吗
They all say that, don’t they?
他们是这样的
They do.
那店铺为什么只有圣诞老人却没有耶稣呢
How come shops have Father Christmases but they don’t have Jesuses?
Jesuses是正确的复数形式吗
Is Jesuses the right term?
或者是Jesi – 我认为我们会直接用雕像的复数
Is it Jesi, or…? – I think we’d say figures of Jesus.
耶稣的雕像们
Figures of Jesus.
实际上 我认为圣诞老人他自己说不定
I think that Father Christmas himself would probably
也更喜欢耶稣的形象
have preferred there to be figures of Jesus because, in fact,
因为在一个中世纪故事中
there is a medieval story that
圣尼古拉参加了一场关于耶稣和上帝到底谁更伟大的斗殴
Saint Nicholas got in a punch-up about whether or not God or Jesus was greater
然后被扔进了监狱
and was thrown into prison,
显然 他非常崇尚宗教的纯洁性
so he was obviously very exercised about the purity of religion.
真♥相♥都开始渐渐浮现了 不是吗
It’s all coming out, isn’t it?
你也懂的吧 因为啊
You know, because, like,
我之前不知道他习惯与妓♥女♥结伴出行
I didn’t know that he used to hang about with prostitutes
还参与打架斗殴
or get into fights.
现在 想到他从我家烟囱下来 我没有那么激动了
Now I’m feeling less…happy with him coming down my chimney.
尽管这是噩梦般的场景
Despite being the stuff of nightmares,
圣诞老人仍是世界上最受欢迎的入侵者
Santa is the world’s most popular home intruder,
也许是因为与其他入侵者不同的是
probably because, unlike other home intruders,
他不会在你客厅地摊上留下一坨粪便
he doesn’t leave a turd on your living room carpet,
而是送你一堆礼物
but a pile of gifts.
圣诞老人有一份列着好孩子坏孩子的名单
Santa has a list of good and bad children.
好孩子将得到很多礼物
The good children will get lots of presents and so,
而事实上 坏孩子也会有礼物
it turns out, will the bad children.
事实上 唯一收获甚少的
In fact, the only ones who won’t get very much
只有穷孩子
are the poor children –
因为圣诞老人的评判孩子善良与否的标准
that’s because Santa judges a child’s goodness
大部分是基于父母的收入
based largely on parental income.
当孩子打开礼物时
The sense of magical wonder on a child’s face
脸上浮现的奇妙感觉
as they open their presents,
可以持续长达十秒
which allegedly makes Christmas worthwhile,
这使得圣诞节变得有存在价值
can last for up to ten seconds.