扯蛋圣诞史（2016）

扯淡圣诞史
BGM: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade
教授 / 历史学家
牧师 / 皇家牧师
皇家牧师 英国君王对从事圣职已久 有杰出贡献的牧师的册封
教授 / 历史学家
食品专家
光荣阵亡
光荣阵亡 是一战后于伦敦市中心建立的和平纪念碑上铭文
圣诞节是一年中最具魔力的日子
Christmas is the most magical time of the year,
在这一天可以吃到巧克力 坚果和孢子甘蓝
the one day when you can eat chocolate, nuts and sprouts
还能看电视
and watch television…
虽然我们平时也在做这些事情
apart from all the other days you can do that.
不管你信得是基♥督♥教 犹太教 伊♥斯♥兰♥教还是印度教
Whether you’re a Christian or a Jew, a Muslim or a Hindu,
绝地武士 星球大战中的世界中的光明武士团体
旺布尔 英国著名童书中虚拟生物形象
无论你是绝地武士还是旺布尔
a Jedi or a Womble,
圣诞节无处不在
Christmas is everywhere.
在电视里
On television,
在大街上
in the high street,
甚至在教堂这种平日里那么神圣的地方
even in normally sacred places like churches.
圣诞节是如此的重要
Christmas is such a big deal
理查德·道金斯 英国生物学家 无神论者
重要到理查德·道金斯可能都会过
that even Richard Dawkins probably does it
而他可是个认为上帝根本不存在的傻♥逼♥
and he thinks God’s a twat who isn’t even there!
不过 到底什么是圣诞呢
But what is Christmas anyway?
都已经2016年 我们还需要它吗
Do we still need it in 2016?
我将开启一段探索圣诞节的旅程
I’m going on a journey right up Christmas to discover
探讨圣诞节在当下是否仍然存在意义
whether the true meaning of Christmas has any meaning today,
又或者这么多年来它的意义是不是已经被折碎丢弃了
or whether that meaning snapped off somewhere along the way,
使得圣诞已经变得毫无意义了
leaving it meaningless…
不管这意味着什么
whatever that means.
我将会和专家们谈论每一个圣诞节
I’ll be talking to experts about every single Christmas that’s ever happened,
同时也会去探索圣诞传统
as well as finding out where Christmas traditions
佳发蛋糕 英国著名蛋糕状饼干
还有巨型佳发蛋糕条的来源
and giant tubes of Jaffa Cakes come from.
人们如何把鸡肉做成火鸡的
How do they make chickens into turkeys?
火鸡和鸡是两种不一样的鸟类
Turkey and chicken are two separate birds.
你在开玩笑吧 – 没有
You’re joking me. – No.
和我Philomena Cunk一起
So join me, Philomena Cunk,
共同踏入圣诞节 再回到现实
as I step into Christmas and back out again.
圣诞节不仅仅只有闪亮的彩条和超长神秘博士
Christmas, isn’t just tinsel and a long Doctor Who –
和其他许多我们熟知的节日一样
it’s a festival with traditions stretching back
圣诞节的历史能追溯到上百年前
across hundreds of years and almost as many Christmases.
现在想起来 当圣诞节这个概念刚出现的时候
It’s hard to imagine now, but, when Christmas first began,
基♥督♥其实都没有参与进来
Christ wasn’t even in it.
<东区人> 一部英国长篇电视肥皂剧 自1985年开始播出 至今未完结
丹尼·戴尔于2013年开始在<东区人>里扮演Mick Carter
就像丹尼·戴尔并没有从一开始就出演<东区人>
Psycho Danny Dyer hasn’t always been in EastEnders,
虽然他感觉自己已经是那部剧的一部分
even though he feels like part of the furniture…
还极其想演出来一样
especially when he’s trying to act.
在耶稣诞生几个世纪以前
Centuries before Jesus arrived,
十二月的月末就已经是异教♥徒♥的庆祝之时
late December was already a time of celebration for the pagans,
他们的存在久远到他们没人在任何Youtube视频里出现过
who existed so long ago there aren’t any YouTubes of them,
所以我们也只能靠图片来脑补
so we’ve had to make do with this picture.
为了了解异教♥徒♥到底是什么 我与一个专家谈了话
To find out what the pagans were, I spoke to an expert.
在人类诞生之前就有异教♥徒♥了吗
Were there pagans before there were humans?
没有 首先你必须得是个人才行
No. You’ve got to be a human to do anything.
异教♥徒♥只是在基♥督♥教诞生之前
Pagans are just people who
就已经在欧洲生活了很久的人们而已
lived in Europe before Christianity arrived.
那异教♥徒♥要靠四肢行走一定很困难吧
How difficult was it for the pagans to get about on all fours?
他们不用四肢行走
They didn’t travel on all fours,
他们就像我们一样站立行走
they travelled upright like we do.
基斯·帕罕 英国博物学家
异教♥徒♥们崇拜自然 就像基斯·帕罕一样
The pagans worshipped nature, just like Chris Packham,
他们一年中有两个重要的节日
and their calendar revolved around two big annual events,
也像基斯·帕罕一样
also like Chris Packham.
其中一个节日
One of these events took
就在十二月月末举办
place in late December and was known as the
叫做冬至日
winter solstices-es.
什么是冬自日
What was the winter soltits?
是冬至日
It’s the winter solstice.
痔 痔日
Stols…stolstice?
至日 – 智日
Solstice. – Stolestice.
至日 – 至日
Solstice. – Solstice.
终于对了
You’ve got it.
在英国 夏至日和冬至日表示的不是夏季或冬季的开始 而是季节的中间点
至日是神奇的日子 标志了仲夏或仲冬的到来
It’s that magical time, midwinter and midsummer,
那时候太阳看起来就像停在了原地
when the sun seems to stand still.
以肉眼看来 它在地平线上就毫无移♥动♥过
To the eye, it appears to stop moving along the horizon.
呃 你不可以直接看太阳的对吧
Well, you’re not meant to look at it, are you?
因为那很伤眼
Because it hurts your eyes.
当日出或者日落的时候
You can look at it when it rises
你是可以直视太阳的
and you can look at it when it sets,
然后你就可以 – 不 你不可以看 你会瞎的
then you can… – No, you can’t. It makes you go blind.
你可以 相信我 你可以看的
You can. Believe… trust me, you can.
当然不可以看 这就是为什么你现在都戴眼镜了
You can’t. That’s probably why you’ve got glasses.
除了看太阳瞎自己的眼睛
As well as blinding themselves,
异教♥徒♥们还会砍下冬青树和常青藤
the pagans celebrated the solstice
然后把它们都搬回家
by cutting down holly and ivy and
来庆祝冬至
dragging it into their homes,
耶鲁节是由古代日耳曼民族所庆祝的宗教节日 是圣诞节的前身 传统之一便是在壁炉里烧大块木桩 后面逐渐发展成圣诞节吃树桩蛋糕(Yule log)
他们还会砍节耶鲁树带回家烧
along with a giant Yule log which they’d set fire to.
听起来很糟 不过没有在软件商店的年代
It sounds rubbish, but with no App Store to speak of,
砍树伐木就是他们很好的娱乐方式了
killing trees and plants was as good as entertainment got,
就算当天是圣诞节
even at Christmas.
当然了 对于大多数人来说
Of course, for most people,
直到耶稣基♥督♥诞生的那一天才算的上是圣诞
it wasn’t really Christmas until the birth of Jesus Christ,
他在那个时候备受尊崇就一如今日的碧昂斯
an icon who was almost as revered back then as Beyonce is today.
耶稣的母亲就是这位女人 童贞玛利亚
Jesus’s mum was this woman, the Virgin Mary,
有一天 一位天使拜访了她
who one night got visited by an angel
并告诉她 她怀了圣灵的孩子
and told she’d been gotten pregnant by a Holy Ghost.
当然 真正的圣灵的精♥液♥是看不见的
Of course, actual ghosts jizz ectoplasm,
里面只有看不见的精♥子♥
which only contains ghost sperm.
不过耶稣并不是一个虚构人物
But Jesus wasn’t born a phantom,
相关专家确信
leading experts to believe
玛利亚没有怀上一个圣灵的孩子
Mary wasn’t impregnated by a real ghost,
而是怀上了一个穿着白袍的男人的孩子
but by a man in a sheet,
<史酷比> 或译作<叔比狗> 是一系列知名美国动画 2002年拍成电影
就像<史酷比> 里面的鬼一样
like in Scooby-Doo.
玛利亚的丈夫约瑟夫
Mary’s husband Joseph
并不介意他的儿子是上帝的而不是他自己亲生的
didn’t mind his son being God’s rather than his
因为他知道上帝一定会给耶稣买♥♥很多玩具
because he knew God would probably buy Jesus loads of toys
并且会在周末负责带孩子
and have him on weekends,
这样他就没有了养儿的压力
which would take the pressure off.
分娩之日将要到来之前
As the birth neared,
美哉小城小伯利恒 著名圣诞颂歌♥
玛利亚和约瑟夫来到美哉小城小伯利恒
Mary and Joseph travelled to O Little Town Of Bethlehem
却发现他们预定的客栈没有空房♥了
only to discover the inn they’d booked had no rooms in it,
所以 他们只能被安置到了马厩
so, instead, they were put up in a stable.
在今天的话 这样只会让人在猫途鹰上给一星差评
Today, that’d lead to one red star on TripAdvisor.
可那时候 上帝把一颗大金星放到了天上
Back then, it led to one big star in the sky, which God put there,
大概是因为这样他们就可以看见孩子出生了
probably so they could see the baby coming out.
玛利亚不得不在马厩的地上进行分娩
Mary had to give birth here on the floor,
就像个瘾君子一样
like a crack addict,
然后把他放在马槽里
and then lay him in a manger.
马槽 也就是喂食槽
Manger is another word for trough
现代三明治快餐连锁店就是这么得来的店名
and it’s where we get the name for modern sandwich chain
Pret a Manger 英国知名简食餐厅 名字实际来源于法语 意思是”即刻食用”
直接看字面意思可以理解为”准备一个马槽”
喂食槽时刻准备着
Ready To Trough.
耶稣不是一个普通的孩子
The baby Jesus wasn’t an ordinary baby.
他出生头上就带着一个大大的黄色的环
He was born with a big yellow circle around his head,
对于玛丽亚来说 把他生出来的时候一定非常难熬
which must have been hell for Mary to push out,
特别是当你想想
especially when you think
就没有任何东西进出过她下面那里
nothing had ever been in or out of her down below before.
如果她仅仅只是生下一个鬼魂还好
If only he had been born a ghost after all,
<史酷比>的梗 里面出现了有身上绑着铁链哀叫不停的鬼魂
这样他就能直接飘出来 身上铁链哐啷 嘴里呜呜作响
then he could’ve just floated out, clanking chains and going woo.
为什么耶稣诞生对你来说很重要
Why do you think it’s important that Jesus was born?
R2-D2 <星球大战>里的机器人 蓝白双色
如果他被创造的像R2-D2一样
Would it have been more interesting