疯狂愚蠢的爱

tells a woman that he’ll call and never does.
混♥蛋♥ 混♥蛋♥才会
Asshole. As in someone who
为了骗女人跟他上♥床♥而假装老实
uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him…
但其实跟那些满口胡言的男人一个德行
…but is actually full of shit like the rest of them.
这说的不是罗比
This is not about Robbie.
混♥蛋♥ 混♥蛋♥才会
Asshole. As in someone who
让一个女人给他口四十五分钟
allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes…
只是因为他太紧张硬不起来
…because he’s nervous.
-太恶心了 -好了好了好了
– Ew. Ew. Oh. – All right, all right, all right.
你知道吗 不是这样的
You know what? Know what? No.
是这么一回事
Here’s the deal.
她其实是个酒鬼
She’s an alcoholic.
-天呐 我走了 -我…我很抱歉
– Oh, God. Okay. -That’s… I’m sorry.
-对不起 天啊 -我要走了
– I’m sorry. God. – I gotta go.
我的天 艾米莉
Oh, my God. Emily. God.
-艾米莉 艾米莉 别走 -别烦我 卡尔
– Emily, Emily, wait. – Leave me alone, Cal.
我五年没喝酒了 混♥蛋♥
I’m sober five years, asshole!
好吧 我摊牌 没错
Okay, yeah, I did. I did.
我是和我们儿子的八年级语文老师上♥床♥了
I slept with our son’s eighth-grade English teacher.
我知道
I know. I know.
是我出轨在先 我没理由生你的气
And I cheated, so I have no right to be angry.
不是这么回事 听我说 我们结婚时
Not the point. Look, when we were first married
我只跟你一个女人
you were the only woman…
上过床
…that I had ever slept with…
但现在我已经和九个不同的女人做过爱了 天
…and now I have had sex with nine different women… God.
九个
Nine?
九个
Nine?
你真是让我开眼了
You showed me.
我不是想向你证明什么
I wasn’t trying to show you.
我只是想试着往前看
I was trying to move on.
但我不愿意这么做
But I don’t want to.
因为你永远是我的唯一
You’ve always been the only one.
跟她说她是性感与可爱的完美结合啊 混♥蛋♥
Tell her she’s the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole.
你对她也说了这句话
You said that to her?
是的
I did, yes.
你变成什么人了
Who are you?
我是你的灵魂伴侣
I’m your soul mate.
这时候下雨也太俗套了吧
What a cliche.
你 到我这来 快
You, get over here. Come on.
鼓掌 给她点掌声
Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her.
我太为你骄傲了 亲爱的
I’m so proud of you, baby.
我当然有过质疑
I had my doubts, of course.
汉娜 我之前和你说过
Hannah, I did tell you
如果你通过了考试 今晚会一个特别的夜晚
that tonight would be a special night if you passed the bar.
所以 汉娜
So, Hannah…
我想正式请问你
…I would like to formally ask you…
在我们所有好友与同事的见证下
…in front of all our friends and colleagues…
你愿意当…
…if you would like to become…
WGS律所的常驻律师吗
a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkins, Goldberg and Schmidt?
怎么样 敬你
How about that? To you.
怎么了
What?
-我… -你说什么
– I ju.. -What, what is it?
我以为你是要跟我求婚
I thought that you were gonna propose for some reason.
-什么 -是啊 我只是…
– What? – Yeah. I know. I’m just…
我只是有点懵了
It’s just, uh, I’m a little thrown.
抱歉
I’m sorry.
我没想到
I didn’t realize that…
你以为我们走到了那一步
…you thought that we were there.
天啊 别犯傻 我只是…
Oh, no. God, no. Don’t be silly. I just…
我需要点时间
I need some time, I think…
来考虑清楚我们之间的关系
…to figure out how I feel about us, you know?
从长远角度
Brrp. Long-term.
你需要时间
You need some time?
你需要时间考虑清楚我们俩的关系 好吧
You need some time to figure out how you feel about us? Okay.
亲爱的
Honey?
说来还挺有意思 我还真是 长见识了
This is actually really funny. I’m just… next level.
-这是你的酒吗 -是的
– Is this yours? Is this yours? -Yes.
亲爱的
Honey?
-这是杜松子酒吗 -是的
– Is this gin? -Yes.
-完全没兑水 -没错
– There’s, like, no water in that. – Yeah.
-这下好了 -我讨厌杜松子酒
– Great. – I hate gin.
你知道吗 谢谢你 理查德
Wow, you know what? Thank you, Richard.
真心的 谢谢你给我的工作机会
Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer.
我会考虑的
I will consider it.
汉娜·芭娜娜
Hannah Banana.
芭娜娜 汉娜
Banana. Hannah.
-不请我喝一杯吗 -好啊
– Do you wanna buy me a drink? – Yes.
-那样才更体贴 不是吗 -你
– It’s nicer that way. Right? – You.
你还记得我吗
You remember me?
记得
Yeah.
-还觉得我迷人吗 -是
– You still find me attractive? – Yes.
还想带我回家吗
Still wanna take me home?
想
Yeah.
我们走吧
Let’s go.
给
Here.
我很喜欢这首歌♥ 选得很好
I really like this song. This was a good choice. Yeah.
好歌♥ 你从来没听过
Good song. You never hear this song.
爱这首歌♥
Love this song.
干杯
Cheers.
我不喜欢这酒
That’s not my drink.
不太喜欢 谢谢
It’s not my favorite. Thank you.
-所以这就是正常流程吗 -什么意思
– So is this how it normally works? – What?
你放一首好听的歌♥ 给她们倒杯酒
You put on the perfect song, you make them a drink.
然后上♥床♥
And then you sleep together.
是的
Yeah.
我很紧张
I’m very nervous.
我感受到了
I’m getting that.
好吧 我知道我在酒吧看上去很自信
Okay. Because I know I seemed confident back at the bar…
但是主要是因为我又冷又湿
…but that was mostly just because I was cold and wet…
想戏剧化一点儿
…and trying to be dramatic a little bit.
你很可爱
You’re adorable.
不
No.
我很性感
I am sexy.
我是限制级的性感
I am R-rated sexy.
懂吗 我知道今晚的乖乖女版本会是怎么样
Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight,
好吧 我知道
all right? I know.
我会喝的很醉 然后晕过去
It’s that I get really drunk and then I pass out.
你给我盖上毯子
You cover me with a blanket,
在我脸上亲一下 什么都不会发生
and you kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens.
但是我不是为这个而来的
But that’s not why I’m here.
我来这是为了上在酒吧搭讪我的帅哥
I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar.
-雅各布 -雅各布
– Jacob. – Jacob.
-现在还有人用”上”吗 -我就用
– Are people still saying “Bang”? – I do.
我们要上♥床♥了
We are gonna bang.
就这样
This is happening.
-上衣脱了 -为什么
– Take off your shirt. – Why?
拜托 你能把上衣脱了吗
Please, will you take off your shirt?
我忍♥不住去想 我需要…
I can’t stop thinking. I need to just…
-好好好 -好吧 好好好
– Okay, okay, okay. – All right, okay, okay, okay.
操
Fuck.
认真的吗 像你修过图一样
Seriously? It’s like you’re Photoshopped.
我能…
Can I…?
你手好冰
Aah. You have cold hands.
-现在该你把裙子脱了 -不脱
– Now you take off your dress. – No.
-脱 -不
– Yes. – No.
看过你身材以后更不能脱 谢谢您了
Not with that going on. No, thank you.
有哪儿灯光暗一点儿 天呐
Is there dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God.
好了 然后我们做什么
Okay, so then what do we do?
按你的程序来 我们现在该到哪了
What happens now? Like, logistically?
你的招数是什么
What’s your move?
什么意思 什么招数