疯狂愚蠢的爱

好的 谢谢你 大卫
Okay. Thanks, David.
罗比 我听说你足球踢得不错
So, Robbie, I hear you’re quite the soccer player.
大卫 我听说你插足了我父母的婚姻
So, David, I hear you broke up my parents’ marriage.
-你就是大卫·林嘿根 对吧 -林哈根
– You are David Lindhagen, right? – Lindhagen.
是这样的 林嘿根 -林哈根
Yeah. Here’s the thing, Lindhagen. Hagen.
随便吧
Whatever.
最终她还是会回到我爸爸身边
In the end, she winds up back with my dad.
他从头到脚都比你好
He’s a better guy than you are in every category.
而且我妈妈还爱着他
And she still loves him.
他也从未打算放弃我妈妈…
He’s not gonna give up on my mom…
…就像我从未打算放弃给杰西卡发消息…
…like I’m not gonna stop sending Jessica messages…
…即使那让她不自在
…that make her feel uncomfortable.
准备回家了吗 亲爱的
Hey. You ready to go, honey?
我们今晚能吃中餐吗
Can we order Chinese for dinner tonight?
当然可以了 亲爱的
Yeah. Sure, honey.
大卫你好 拿上你的东西
Hi, David. Get your stuff.
-再见 大卫 -再见
– Bye, David. – See you.
明早起床你的手臂都会酸到没知觉
You’re not gonna be able to feel your arms next morning.
没事的
I’ll be fine.
我的天啊
Jesus Christ.
卡尔 面对现实 好吗
Look, let’s face it, Cal, all right?
两性之间的战争已经结束了 我们赢了 好吧
The war between the sexes is over, and we won, okay?
女人开始练习跳钢管舞的那一刻 我们就赢了
We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.
但即使我们赢了 也应该尊重她们
But even though we won, they still deserve our respect.
让她们感觉自己很美
Make them feel beautiful,
认真聆听她们的问题
actually listen to their problems,
为她们开门
open the door for them.
能请你穿件衣服吗
Would you put on some clothes, please?
-抱歉 影响到你了吗 -没有
– I’m sorry, is this bothering you? – No, it’s not.
卡尔 我的老二已经对着你二十分钟了
Cal, my schwantz is in your face for 20 minutes.
要是没影响到你 才是大问题
If it’s not bothering you, we got a bigger problem.
-好吧 影响到我了 -我不在乎
– Okay, it bothers me. – I don’t care.
你要掌控自己的男子气概 伙计
You gotta take control of your manhood, pal. You know?
想要什么 就去争取
You want something, you take it.
不喜欢什么就直说 各取所需
You don’t like something, you say it. I take what I want.
大卫·林哈根一定已经如愿以偿了 不是吗
David Lindhagen, he certainly took what he wanted, didn’t he?
我可以向你保证
And I can guarantee you this:
他现在正在为你妻子开车门
He is opening the car door for your wife right now.
怎么 你要晕过去了吗
What, you passing out?
我的天
Oh, boy.
-我觉得你准备好了 伙计 -什么
– I think you’re ready, pal. – For what?
去和漂亮女人聊天
To talk to a pretty lady,
带她回家 展示你的天赋
and take her home and show her your gift.
不行 我没准备好
No. No, I’m not.
你完全准备好了
You’re ready as you’re ever gonna be.
展现自己的优势 伙计 我们都能做到
You play your strengths, pal. That’s all any of us can do.
我充满神秘感
I’m mysterious.
床上功夫厉害
I’m, you know, good in bed.
而你… 你是个
And you are a, uh… You are a…
稳重的 有工作的成熟男人
you know, stable and employed adult.
我的天
Jesus.
看到九点钟方向的那个女人了吗
You see this lady over here at 9 o’clock?
你要我去和她搭讪
You want me to hit on her?
不 她是我的 我指她后面那个
No, I wanna hit on her. The one behind her.
她很靓吧
She’s a total fox, right?
你觉得她来这么一家爆满的酒吧
You think she came to a crowded bar
是为了独自安静喝酒吗 她在寻找猎物
to have a quiet drink alone? She’s hunting.
她在寻找机会
She’s just looking for an opportunity
结识一位有责任感的稳重男士
to settle for a responsible and stable adult.
我觉得她会考虑你的
And I’d like her to settle for you.
感谢你的鼓舞 但你知道吗
Oh. Well, thank you for the ego boost, but you know what?
我虽然看过你搭讪女人
Just because I’ve watched you pick up women…
不代表我学会了怎么搭讪女人
doesn’t mean I know how to pick up women.
你看过《龙威小子》吗
Ever see Karate Kid?
那和我们有什么关系
What does that have to do with anything?
里面教他反复地打蜡
You know when he’s teaching him to wax on and off
其实是在教他功夫
but is really teaching him to fight?
你要我去和别人打架吗
You want me to fight someone?
我去搭讪女人
What’s the first thing I do
首先会做什么 请她喝一杯酒
when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink.
是的 每次都是 从无失手 你请她喝一杯酒
Yes, always. Without fail. You buy her a drink.
即使对方不要 你也会坚持
Even if she doesn’t want one, you insist.
-我会谈论自己吗 -从不
– And do I talk about myself? – Never.
从不谈论自己 话题永远围着她转
Never talk about yourself, always about her.
-因为酒吧里的玩笑 -很无聊
– Because bar banter? – Is boring.
所以你推波助澜
So you put the impetus on her.
她得是那个让人饶有兴致的人
She has to be the interesting one.
“让我见识一下 见识一下你有多风趣”
“Impress me. Impress me with how interesting you are.”
这是场游戏 你耍的诡异小把戏
It’s a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy little game you play.
这么说太苛刻了吧
That’s judgmental, isn’t it?
深夜时分 我会怎么做
At the end of the night, what do I do?
我会邀请她们和我回家吗
Do I ask them to come home with me?
不 你让她们和你回家
No, you tell them to come home with you.
她们对此别无选择
They have no choice in the matter.
由你选择 而她们会因为
It is your choice and they are so overjoyed
能与你共赴云雨
to have had the opportunity…
而欣喜若狂
to make sweet, sweet love to you.
我的天
Oh, my God.
你做到了 你教会了我”功夫”
You did, you Miyagi’d me.
答对了
Honk.
摘掉戒指 走吧
Take your ring off. Let’s go.
别提到你的孩子 工作
Just no talking about your kids, your job,
还有大卫·林哈根 想都别想
David Lindhagen, don’t you dare.
闭嘴 闭嘴 别说了
Shut up, shut up. Just shut up.
-你好 -你好
– Hello. – Hi.
你们好
Hi. Hi.
-你是哪位 -我是凯特
– Who are you? – Hey. I’m Kate.
-凯特 向你介绍我的… -我是卡尔
– Kate, you mind if I introduce you to my…? – I’m Cal.
-我来吧 幸会 -你好
– I got this. Pleased to meet you. – Hi.
他是我的朋友雅各布 他正要离开了
And this is my friend Jacob. He was just leaving.
你就是这么对待我的
So that’s one way to treat people.
我能请你喝杯酒吗 凯特
So can I buy you a drink, Kate?
-不了 谢谢 -反正我一定要请你喝一杯
– Oh. No, thank you. – I’m gonna buy you a drink anyway.
灰雁伏特加 可以吗
Grey Goose, right?
加冰 两片青柠
Rocks. Two limes?
我已经戒酒五年了
I’m five years sober.
-请问需要什么 -什么都不要
– What can I get for you? – Nothing. Nothing.
去吧 没事了 请永远都别再来了
Go away, we’re good. Please don’t come back ever.
你是做什么的 卡尔
So, what do you do, Cal?
我不知道 你是做什么的 凯特
I don’t know. What do you do, Kate?
-我先问你的 -我后问你的
– I asked you first. – I asked you second.
说真的 你是做什么的
Seriously, what do you do?
说真的 你是做什么的
Seriously, what do you do?
你真不想告诉我你是做什么的吗
Are you really not going to tell me what you do?
-好吧 我是一名老师 -无聊
– Uh, okay, I’m a teacher. – Boring.
拜托 你要让话题有意思 让我感兴趣
Come on, you gotta keep it interesting. Interest me.
-我在牛津大学学习过五年 -无聊
– I studied at Oxford University for five years. – Boring!
毕业于牛津大学 有酗酒问题的老师
Wow. Teacher with an alcohol dependency who studied at Oxford.
什么什么的
Blah, blah, blah. Bleh.
英国 恶心
England. Yuck.
我的朋友好像到了
I think my friends just got here.
对不起 对不起 对不起
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
-好吧 我在企业保险领域工作 -我的天
– Okay, you know what? I’m in corporate insurance. – Oh, God.
我有孩子 不止一个
I have children, plural.
我妻子跟大卫·林哈根出轨
And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen…
这些我本来也没打算告诉你的 但我说了
which I wasn’t supposed to tell you about, either. But I did.
幸会
Nice to meet you.
那你本打算告诉我什么
What were you supposed to tell me?
我不知道
I don’t know. I don’t know.
我本打算说
I was supposed to say that you are