疯狂愚蠢的爱

因为如果我知道你这样做
Because if you do, I just know
就会给律师资格考试
that you are gonna kick that bar’s butt…
-一个下马威 -没错
– …out of here. You know? – Yeah.
这让我想起了法学教授跟我讲过的一个老故事
It reminds me of an old story my law professor told me…
真是够了 大家干杯吧
Oh, dear God. Cheers, everyone.
干杯
Cheers.
丽兹
Hey, Liz.
听着 等我女朋友通过考试
Listen, when my girl here passes…
我就再在这办一场庆祝活动
…I’m gonna have another little celebration right here…
希望你能来
…and I hope you can make it,
因为那会是个很特别的夜晚
because it’s gonna be a special night.
好的
Okay.
-你听见了吗 -什么
– Did you hear that? – Hear what?
-你听到了吗 “特别的夜晚” -是啊
– You heard that? “Special night”? – Yeah. Yeah.
你觉得他会求婚吗
You think he’s gonna propose?
在墨西哥烤肉店吗 希望不是
At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not.
怎么 你希望他求婚
Why, do you want him to?
我也不知道 他挺好的
I don’t know, he’s nice.
“他挺好” 汉娜
“He’s ni…”? Hannah.
他很可爱 你看看
He’s a sweetheart. Look at him.
-他给你发加密邮件了 -是的
– He bcc’d you? – Right, yeah.
好吧 汉娜 看看你
All right. Hannah, look at you. Look at you.
如果你和这种人在一起了 那我呢
If you end up with that, what am I gonna end up with?
-快别说了 -那家伙也太没劲了
– Shut up. Come on. – That shit’s depressing.
好吧 你知道吗
All right. You know what?
我不该用姐姐的口气教训你 如果是…
I have to not big-sister you. It’s fine if…
天呐 真的吗
Jesus, really?
不 这不是我要的人生 我要走了 好吗
No. No. Not my life. Not my life. I’m going. Okay?
有事打给我 再见
So call me if you need anything. Bye.
你真讨厌 再见
You’re awful. Bye.
谢谢你过来
Thank you for coming.
-你迟到了 -抱歉
– You’re late. – Yeah. Sorry.
-吃披萨吗 -不了 谢谢
– Sbarro’s? – No, thanks.
我问你 卡尔 你今天带了多少钱买♥♥衣服
Let me ask a question, Cal. How much you got today for clothes?
-你的脚怎么了 -什么意思
– What happened to your feet? – What do you mean?
-这是我的New Balance407运动鞋 -407运动鞋
– These are my 407s. – Oh, they’re 407s.
-我能看看吗 -好的
– Can I see them? – Yeah.
-支撑力很好 -对
– These offer a lot of support. – Right.
不是吧
Whoa. Come on.
-怎么 你是来参加联谊会的吗 -你疯了吗
– What, are you in a fraternity? – Are you insane?
你会砸着人的 你这是干什么
You could have hit somebody. What was that?
-我在问你问题 你是来参加联谊会的吗 -不是
– I’m asking a question. You in a fraternity? – No.
-你是史蒂夫·乔布斯吗 -什么
– Are you Steve Jobs? – What?
等等
Hold on a second.
你难道就是苹果公♥司♥的亿万富翁老板
Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?
不是
No.
好吧 既然这样
Okay. Well, in that case,
你就永远没资格穿New Balance的运动鞋
you got no right to wear New Balance sneakers ever.
来吧
Come on.
好吧
Okay. All right.
你这个年纪的男人 最大的好处就是
One of the best parts about being a guy your age…
说实话 没太多好处
Frankly, there aren’t many,
所以你应该好好利用这条件
so you should really take full advantage of it.
你可以从十六个单品方面
Is that you can rebuild
彻底改造自己的衣橱
your entire wardrobe with like 16 items.
信♥用♥卡♥交出来
Credit card.
怎么了
What?
问题在于你的头就像…
You see, the problem is that your head has like…
就像一颗涂了发胶的花生
Like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut.
你眼下的皮肤
The skin under your eyes is
开始有些像休·海夫纳的蛋蛋一样软了
starting to look like Hugh Hefner’s ball sac.
《花♥花♥公♥子♥》的创刊人 现年96岁
的确有点像
It does.
你们钱包区在哪
Where are your wallets?
-我适合穿牛仔裤 -你不适合
– I’m set for jeans. – You’re not set for jeans.
-我身上的就挺好 -一点都不好
– These are fine. – They’re not fine.
你的屁♥股♥跟老太太一样
You have a mom butt.
为什么我们不直接去盖璞
Why don’t we just go to the Gap?
你知道他们有很… 好吧
You know what? They have a s… Okay.
你干什么
What are you doing?
卡尔 有点追求好吗
Cal, be better than the Gap.
还是要有点追求
Be better than the Gap.
大声说出来
Say it.
我要有点追求
I’m better than the Gap.
-走吧 -天呐
– Come on. – God.
-别再扇我了 说真的 -好的
– Stop slapping me. Really. – Okay.
你很帅
You’re beautiful.
他喜欢扇我脸
He likes to slap me in the face.
-你待会有什么安排吗 -还不知道
– What are you doing later? – Ha, ha. I don’t know.
-我知道 -你知道
– I do. – Do you?
我很确定你待会要做什么
I know exactly what you’re doing.
真的假的 真的假的
Seriously? Seriously?
-你就这样约她出去吗 -是啊
– You ask her out like that? – Yeah.
然后这样还管用
And that worked?
是啊
Yeah.
感觉有些蠢 但是…
Feeling kind of stupid, but…
看看你
Look at you.
感觉我这是要去滑雪
Feel like I’m going skiing.
-你愿意睡他吗 -你这问题问的
– Would you sleep with him? – Jesus. God.
-大概会吧 -真的假的…
– Yeah, probably. – Wha…?
你愿意
You would?
那简直是… 真的假的
That’s… What?
你究竟在说什么
What are you even saying?
你看到刚发生的事了吗 卡尔
You see what just happened, Cal?
你一开口
Soon as you opened your mouth,
蒂凡尼开始怀疑这个决定了
Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to.
这简直是我听过最刻薄的话了
That’s the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
不 接下来我要说的才是
No. This is.
你老婆对你不忠
Your wife cheated on you
是因为你没有把自己当成一个男人
because you lost sight of who you are as a man…
一个丈夫 可能连爱人都称不上
…as a husband, and probably as a lover.
你说的没错 这句确实更刻薄
You’re right, that’s meaner.
告诉我你跟多少女人在一起过
Let’s talk about how many women you’ve been with.
-发生性关系的那种吗 -不 我说的是斗舞
– Sexually? – Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.
一个
One.
不 我不是说同时
No. Not at one time.
总共几个
How many total?
别回答 别回答我
Don’t say it. Don’t say it.
我们高中就在一起了好吗
We met in high school, okay?
我的天 你在开玩笑吧
Oh, boy. You’re kidding me.
一个女人 简直了
One woman? That’s great.
-艾米莉很美 -那肯定了
– Emily is beautiful. – I guess.
她美极了 是那种…
She was gorgeous. She was one of those women…
…狂野性感 极具风情
…that could be wildly sexy
同时又无比娇俏可人
and unbelievably cute all at the same time.
高三那年我们出了点小问题
We had a little blip senior year…
从你开始说”艾米莉” 我就没在听了
I literally stopped listening at “Emily.”
我觉得我们应该今晚开始搭讪女人
I think we should start approaching women tonight.
你准备好了吗
Are you ready to go?
我想我老婆了
I miss my wife.
-你好吗 -很好 你呢
– How are you? – Good. How are you?
挺好的 我叫雅各布 你叫什么
I’m great. I’m Jacob. What’s your name?
-艾米·约翰逊 -艾米·约翰逊
– Oh. Amy Johnson. – Amy Johnson.
-我是雅各布·帕尔默 你好吗 -我很好
– I’m Jacob Palmer. How you doing? – Uh, great.
-那就好 -我是卡尔
– Good. – I’m Cal.
别 还没到时候
No. Not yet.
不好意思 艾米 我能请你喝一杯吗
Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink?
你可以先陪她一下吗
Would you keep her company for a minute?
-乐意至极 -如果他毛手毛脚 你跟我说
– I’d be happy to. – If he gets handsy, let me know.
要是事关生死 我绝不会碰你一根汗毛的
I wouldn’t touch you if my life depended on it.
-你叫什么 -卡尔·韦弗