疯狂愚蠢的爱

Bernie?
伯尼 伯尼
Bernie. Bernie.
*我可以成为你心之所想*
*I can be the one you long for*
*你可以成为我心唯一*
*You can be the one*
你知道一个现在已经不太常用了的词吗
You know a word that is not used very often anymore?
“绿帽子”
“Cuckold.”
我被戴绿帽了
I’m a cuckold.
大卫·林哈根给我戴了绿帽
David Lindhagen cuckolded me.
他把绿帽子狠狠地扣在了我头上
He made a cuckold out of me.
他睡了我老婆
He slept with my wife.
而且我毫不知情
And I didn’t know about it.
这就是绿帽子的定义
And that is the definition of cuckoldom.
大卫·林哈根抢走了我老婆 把她睡了
David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her.
我还以为自己做得尽善尽美了
Thought I did everything right.
结婚 生孩 买♥♥♥房♥♥
Got married, had kids, the house.
我得到了什么 一顶绿帽子
What do I get for it? I get cuckolded.
大卫·林哈根给我戴了绿帽
David Lindhagen cuckolded me.
他把绿帽子狠狠地扣在了我头上
He made a cuckold out of me.
《The Heart’s a Lonely Hunter》 – Thievery Corporation
*欢迎来到我的飞船*
*Welcome to my spaceship*
*它将永驻美好*
*It’s beautiful forever*
能给我五分钟和这家伙聊聊吗
Can you give me five minutes with this guy?
*我的心是个孤独的猎手*
*The heart’s a lonely hunter*
有意思
Interesting.
你好 雅各布·帕尔默
Hey. Jacob Palmer.
-卡尔·韦弗 -我请你喝一杯 卡尔
– Cal Weaver. – Let me buy you a drink, Cal.
谢谢 我喝过了
Thanks, I already have a drink.
卡尔 坐下 我想请你喝一杯
Hey Cal, sit down. I’d like to buy you a drink.
好吧
Okay.
你猜怎么着
Guess what.
-我妻子有外遇 是和 -大卫·林哈根
– My wife is having an affair with… – David Lindhagen.
大卫·林哈根 我知道
David Lindhagen. I know.
-我是怎么知道的 -我不知道
– How do I know that? – I don’t know.
我根本不认识你
I’m a total stranger.
我怎么会知道你妻子这么私密的事
How would I know something so intimate about your wife?
-大卫·林哈根也和你妻子上过床 -不
– Lindhagen screwing with your wife too? – No.
你想知道我是怎么知道的吗 卡尔
You wanna know why I know that, Cal?
你说
Okay.
这两晚我听到的全是这些 卡尔
It’s all that I’ve heard, Cal, for the past two nights.
大家都听到了
It’s all anybody’s heard.
你四处乱逛
You’re going around and you are like
用你这个哭唧唧的失败故事骚扰别人
you’re like badgering people with this sad-sack loser sob story.
-我也不理解为什么 -我用不着听你废话
– I don’t understand why. – I don’t need this crap.
-卡尔 坐下 -好吧
– Cal, sit down. – All right.
我知道这话不好听 但这是事实
Look, I know that it sounds harsh, but it’s true.
你需要听到事实 好吗
And you need to hear the truth. Okay?
好吧
Okay.
卡尔 能把吸管从嘴里拿出来吗
Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please.
谈话的时候就别吸了
Just for this conversation.
你知道这看上去就像在嘬小鸡鸡
You know that looks like you’re sucking on a tiny schwantz.
-你希望这样吗 -什么
– Is that what you want? – What？
这是你想传递给别人的信息吗
Is that the message you wanna send to everybody?
-没人会这么想 -是吗
– No one’s thinking that. – Really?
恕我直言 先生
So permission to speak candidly, sir.
我觉得你已经很直接了
Uh, think you’ve already gone there.
你顶着一头廉价发型坐在那里
You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut…
像个十四岁小姑娘一样
…getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries
喝着蔓越莓伏特加喝到醉
like a 14-year-old girl…
你平时应该穿四十二号♥衣服
…and you’re wearing a 44
你却穿四十四号♥
when you should be wearing a 42 regular.
说实话 我都不知道自己该帮你
Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you
还是该送你去安乐死
or I should euthanize you.
卡尔 你长了一张和善的脸
Cal, you got a kind face.
头发也还挺浓密
You got a good head of hair.
看上去人不错
You seem like a nice guy.
我想帮你
I wanna help you.
我要帮你重新找回男人气概
I’m gonna help you rediscover your manhood.
你还记得自己是什么时候丢掉男人气概的吗
Do you have any idea, like, where you lost it?
-很可能是在1984年的时候 -好吧
– A strong case could be made for 1984. – Well.
我们要找回它
We’re gonna find it.
我们会的 我向你保证
We are. I promise you.
不仅如此 我还向你保证 卡尔
And I promise you this too, Cal:
当我们成功后
When we’re done…
你的妻子
…this wife of yours…
她会悔不当初放弃了你的
…she’s gonna rue the day she ever decided to give up on you.
这就是我的提议
That’s my offer.
你来不来
You in or you out?
你为什么要这么做
Why are you doing this?
也许是你让我想起了某个人
Maybe you remind me of someone.
你来不来
You in or you out?
我来
I’m in.
美女 想走吗
Hey, fancy face, you wanna go?
好
Okay.
周四下午三点 世纪城购物中心美食广场
Century City Mall, food court, 3:00, Thursday.
你先请 亲爱的
After you, hon.
晚安 美女
Good night, fancy face.
她会悔不当初的
She will rue the day.
那边是给你们准备的零食
Set you guys up with some snacks over here.
电视已经打开了
TV’s already on.
你没事吧
You okay?
没事 你呢
Mm. Yeah. You?
我能和你说件事吗
Can I tell you something?
爱情真的烂透了
Love sucks.
是啊
Yeah.
你恋爱了吗 小伙子
You in love, buddy?
-如果你一定要知道的话 -叮咚
– Well, if you must know… – Ding-dong.
-杰西 谢谢你赶过来 -当然
– Oh, hey, Jess. Thanks for coming by. – Hey. Yeah.
她来这干嘛
What is she doing here?
孩子们 我得出去一段时间
Guys, I have to step out for a couple of minutes.
好吗 好不好
Okay? All right? Okay.
妈妈希望你们在她勾搭别人的时候待在这里
Mom wants you to stay while she’s out hooking.
-什么 -什么
– What? – What?
这地方很不错 韦弗先生
Oh. Um, the place is nice, Mr. Weaver.
谢谢 你太客气了
Thanks. That’s a very generous adjective.
-亲爱的 -等等 我不需要保姆
– Honey. – Wait. I don’t need a babysitter.
她只比我大四岁 这你得知道
She’s only four years older. You need to know that.
-她也得知道 -我知道 我知道
– She needs to know that. – I know, I know, I know.
小伙子 你长大了
Man, are you growing up.
看看他 真不可思议 已经恋爱了
Look at him. It’s unbelievable. He’s in love already.
莫莉 和爸爸说再见
Molly. Say bye to Daddy.
-等等 你去哪 -我去上课
– Wait, where are you going? – I’m taking a class.
-这样挺好的 韦弗先生 -谢谢
– That is great, Mr. Weaver. – Thank you.
你这段时间挺难熬的
This is a difficult time for you,right?
尝试新鲜事物的确很重要
And it’s important to try new things.
就算是你之前没想过尝试的事
Even things that you haven’t considered trying before.
没错 莫莉 我要走了
Mm-hm. Yup. Molly, I’m going.
好了 那就是我的小公主 谢谢 再见
Okay. That’s my princess. Bye. Thanks.
-等等 爸 -再见 孩子们 一会见
– But wait. Dad. – Bye, guys. See you in a bit.
你好 小老虎
Hey, Tiger.
-我真的好爱你 -天呐 罗比
– I love you so, so much. – Jeez, Robbie.
我真的很爱你 求求你了
I love you so much. Please?
我这是在干什么
What the hell am I doing?
我在干嘛
What am I doing?
各位
Hey, uh, everybody.
各位 我想
Everybody. Uh, if I could…
谢谢 来一小段祝酒词
Thank you. A little toast.
我想感谢你们来参加
I would like to thank you all
汉娜·波娜娜的告别派对
for coming to Hannah Banana’s goodbye party.
向我的
And to my…
汉娜·芭娜娜举杯致敬
Hannah Banana.
你得闭关修♥炼♥ 努力学习
You go into your cave and you study your butt off.