人生遥控器（2006）

Shut up, James Earl Jones!
你才闭嘴 大嘴巴!
No, you shut up, big mouth!
迈可!
Michael!
安默先生在这里
Mr. Ammer is here
你当上合伙人的第一天 却穿浴袍上班?
Your first day as a partner, you come to work in a fricking bathrobe?
没错没错
I did. I did.
我觉得我们该停止浪费心力
John, I just feel we should stop wasting our energy…
在阿谀奉承上面 还有老是在意谁穿的比较体面
…on corporate brown-nosing and worrying who’s got the better suit.
亚曼尼卡文克莱 谁在乎?
Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares?
让我们专注在真正重要的事情上 工作上
Let’s concentrate on what really matters, the work.
这是我听过最疯狂的言论
That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.
不过妈的 你说的对
But goddamn it, you’re right.
改变人生 我感觉更自♥由♥了
Life-changing. I feel freer.
别脱裤子
Yeah… Keep the pants on.
性骚扰啊?
Sexual harassment, eh?
说到改变人生
Speaking of life-changing…
我想跟你谈某件事 其实是谈某个人
…there’s something, or actually someone, I’d like to talk to you about.
珍宁 – 一切还顺利吧?
Janine. – Everything okay?
迈可 珍宁和我决定停止劳碌
Michael, Janine and I decided to drop out of the rat race…
放慢步调 搬去摩洛哥住
…slow down, move to Morocco.
摩洛哥? – 摩洛哥
Morocco? – Morocco.
好吧
Okay.
艾瑞蓝索会接手我的工作
Eric Lamensoff will assume my day-to-day responsibilities…
而我想要你接他的工作
…and I’d like you to take his job.
不过艾瑞蓝索是国际部的头
But Eric Lamensoff is the head of the whole international division.
我才当上合伙人一天而已 – 所以呢?
I’ve been your partner one day. – So?
你经手的案子都很赚钱
Every account you worked on turned into gold.
若有一天你成了我们的执行长
You know, I wouldn’t be surprised…
我是一点都不会讶异的
…if one day you ended up being our CEO.
我很乐意迎接那天的到来 不过
Hey, I would love for that to happen, but…
不!不!我不要升官!
No! No, no, no! I don’t want a promotion!
不…
No!
迈可 有你的电♥话♥
Michael, you have a phone call.
迈可纽曼
Michael Newman.
你好 大家伙
Word up, big guy.
十年前你跟我说你想当执行长
Ten years ago you told me you wanted to be CEO.
好消息 艾瑞蓝索挂了
Great news. Eric Lamensoff killed himself.
你最好也别吃垃圾食物了 总裁
So you better stop with the junk food, Mr. Chairman…
不然你也会把自己搞挂的
…or you’ll end up killing yourself too.
开启虚拟窗帘
Opening virtual blinds.
十年? 事情还能有多糟?
Ten years? How much worse can things get?
我的老天 我是个肥猪
Oh, my God, I’m a fat guy!
看看我
Look at me.
这是什么? 这是奶♥子♥
What is this? This is titties.
我有大奶♥子♥
I got juicy titties!
那是什么?
What… What is that?
老天 不
Oh, God, no.
带我回家吧
Just take me home.
这是2017年2月5日新闻
This is 1010 WINS news. February 5th, 2017.
小甜甜布兰妮今天生了第23胎
Britney Spears had her 23rd baby today.
孩子的爹凯文说他考虑找工作
Proud father Kevin Federline says he’s now considering getting a job.
还有 麦可杰克森 第一个复♥制♥自己的人
Also, Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself…
现在控告自己性骚扰自己
…is now suing himself for molesting himself.
(超级有料)
唐娜!
Donna!
唐娜!
Donna!
需要帮忙吗?
Can I help you?
爸 – 爸?
Hey, Dad. – “Hey, Dad”?
班? 是你?
Ben? That’s you?
看你长的多大只 你真够肥
Look how big you got. You’re enormous.
你自己还不是有个超级大肥臀
Look who’s talking, Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat-Ass!
这对我的自尊有帮助
Really good for my self-esteem.
也许你带我去练皮拉提斯
Maybe if you would take me to Pilates like you said…
大家就不会以为我是戎祥
…people wouldn’t think I was Rosie O’Donnell!
别这样 我爱你
Come on, I love you!
拿夹心饼给我 – 你好无情
Bring me back the Twinkies! – You’re so cruel!
爸 别叫了 好丢脸
Will you please stop yelling? It is so embarrassing.
那是我女儿? – 妈 我要去德瑞家
Is that my daughter? – Mom, I’m going to Derek’s!
莎曼珊 是你吗? 你什么时候长奶♥子♥的?
That’s you, Samantha? When did you get boobs?
跟你同时长的 我能走了吗?
The same time you did, Dad. Now can I go?
等等 这个德瑞是谁?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell’s this Derek guy?
我男友 学校最火红的男孩
My boyfriend, the hottest boy in school, hello?
等我放火烧他家 他就更火红了
He’s gonna be hot when I burn his house down.
你给我上楼去 换上正常的衣服
Get your ass upstairs, put normal clothes on.
你为什么对我这么坏? – 快点去
Why are you so mean to me? – Get them on now!
还有把脸上的妆擦掉 – 好啦
And wipe off all that makeup! – Right!
小花生也死了?
Is Peanut dead too?
这只竟然让鸭子自己来
This one’s got the duck doing all the work.
唐娜
Donna. Donna.
真是的
Goddamn it.
你好美 我好害怕
Look how gorgeous you look. I’m so scared.
你们好 – 亲爱的
Knock, knock, gang. – Hey, sweetie.
怎么回事?
What’s going on?
唐娜和我正想泡杯热巧克力
Donna and I were gonna get hot chocolate.
要我们帮你泡一杯吗? – 你背着我偷人?
You want us to bring you one? – You cheating on me?
还跟一个哈比人
With Johnny G-String over here?
拜托 我以为我们已经谈过了
Come on. Time-out. I thought we were past that.
不 我们不吵 你说的对 这没什么
No, no, no, we’re past this argument. No, you’re right, no big deal.
只是你不能勾引别人的老婆
Hey, it’s just that you don’t mess with another man’s wife!
住手 迈可!
Michael! Stop it! Stop it, Michael!
是你决定搬出去的
It was your decision to move out! So stay out!
放开我!你还护着他?
Get off me! You sticking up for him?
走开!我恨你!
Go away! Go away, I hate you!
我们不能吵架 求你
We can’t argue! Donna, please! – I hate you! I hate you!
老天
Oh, man!
你恨我?
You hate me?
不不
No. No.
十年了 你还没完成?
Ten years, you’re not finished yet?
颜王 你为何如此对我?
Morty! Why did you do this to me?
一切都是你自作自受
You did this to yourself, Michael.
不 我并不想浪费这些时间
No. No, I didn’t wanna waste all that time.
我不想失去唐娜
I didn’t wanna lose Donna!
摇控器与你的行为有关
The remote goes by your behavior.
每当你的工作和家庭有冲突时 工作就赢
Every time you had a conflict between work and home, work won.
不 这不是真的 – 你能欺骗老婆
No, not true. – Lie to your wife.
欺骗自己 却骗不了遥控器
Lie to yourself. But you cannot lie to the remote.
遥控器是有防骗装置 所以你无法改变既成的事实
The remote is lie-proof, so you can’t change what already happened.
不过你还很年轻
But you’re still a young man.
年轻又肥胖 你可以赢回唐娜
A young, fat man. You could win Donna back.
我就打算那么做
So that’s what I’ll do.
加油 胖子
Go for it, tubs.
我看到你对鸭子干的事 很好 干的好
I saw what you did to the duck. Very good. Nice work.
你马上就会感动的
You’ll feel that in a second.
求你一定要看我的字条
All right, please, please just read my note.
我恨你!我恨你我恨你!
Hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
我的小♥弟♥弟♥
迈可 你醒了?
Michael, are you awake?
迈可 亲爱的 你醒了吗?
Michael, honey. Are you awake?
唐娜
Donna.
我的肥油都去哪了?
Where’d all my fat go?
只是个梦? 是个恶梦
It was just a dream? A terrible, terrible dream.
怎么? 你做了恶梦?
What’s that, Michael? You had a bad dream?
有只贱狗撞倒了我
Did a fuzzy dog push me over?
神奇小狗小毛?
Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog?
是啊要不是他撞倒你
Yeah, if he hadn’t knocked you on your noggin…
你就不会及早检查出罹患癌症
…you wouldn’t have had the CAT scan that found the cancer before it spread.
我有癌症?
I have cancer?
是你本来有癌症
No, you had cancer.
你是世上唯一化疗还会增重的人
You’re the only person to gain weight during chemo.
也许就是那样你才会心脏病发
That’s probably what caused your heart attack.
心脏病?
Heart attack?
我以为他们没给你打吗♥啡♥了