人生遥控器（2006）

不 前几个月很简单
No, the first few months were easy.
后面一年的低潮期才难过
It was the one-year hump that was the tough part.
她周末跑去找我弟弟…
Her inappropriate weekend with my brother in Cabo…
那本来是个危机
…well, that was a potential speed bump.
不过贝曼医师助我们渡过难关
But, well, Dr. Bergman helped us work through it, didn’t he, honey?
他也有协助你跟唐娜吧?
How’s he doing for you and Donna?
贝曼医师…什么意思?
Dr. Bergman. What do you mean?
甜心 那不关我们的事
Oh, you know what, sweetie? It’s none of our business.
让迈可享受他的荣耀吧 干杯
Let’s let Michael bask in his glory. Cheers.
尽情享受吧 合伙人
Bask away, partner.
那混♥蛋♥等了一年才升我?
Took that bastard a year to promote me?
我还错过了什么?
What else did I miss?
纽曼先生 你需要什么吗?
Shit. – Need something, Mr. Newman?
你是谁? 克莉丝坦 你的助理
Who are you? – Kirsten, your assistant.
艾莉丝怎么了?
What happened to Alice?
她转去会计部你太工作狂了
She moved to Accounting. Couldn’t handle your hours.
还有她现在喜欢别人叫她艾哥
And she prefers to be called Alan now. Remember?
不…
No.
不会吧
No.
贝曼医师又是谁?
No! And who the hell’s Dr. Bergman?
我觉得迈可根本不想和我沟通
And I feel like Michael’s making no effort to connect with me at all.
我想啊我是在自动导航状态
No, no. I want to. I want to. It’s… I’m on autopilot.
“自动导航” 比较像是自动僵尸吧
“I’m on autopilot.” More like auto-zombie.
说的好 唐娜
Good one, Donna.
说的好 唐娜? – 迈可 别激动
“Good one, Donna”? – Michael, relax.
他是谁? 为什么我们不能谈谈?
Who is this bigmouth? Why can’t you and I just talk?
为什么? 因为你根本不谈 你从来都不回家谈
Why? Because there is no talking to you. You’re never home to talk to.
你回家只会坐在那里发呆
And when you are, you’re just sitting there staring off into space.
你要我怎样?
What do you want from me?
又来了 他又要接电♥话♥了
This is what happens. He’s gonna answer his phone.
(自动快转)
怎么回事? 我没碰遥控器啊
What the heck happened? I didn’t even touch the remote.
你晚餐时间要开始看电视了?
Great, you gonna start watching TV at dinner?
我们可以看吗?
Oh, can we?
莎曼珊 我的小天使 看看你
Samantha. My little angel. Look at you.
你头发留好长了
Look how long your hair’s getting.
你何时长大的? 班 过来
When did you grow up? Ben, get over here.
别担心 我今晚不工作
Don’t worry. I’m not gonna work tonight.
我们一起看《DragonTales》 好不好?
Watch Dragon Tales together. What do you say?
《DragonTales》是小孩看的 我要看《CSI》
Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad. I wanna watch CSI.
好耶 《CSI》
Yeah, CSI.
这集他们会找到那女人的手臂
It’s the episode when they find the lady’s arm.
怎么回事? 我错过了 整个《DragonTales》世代?
What happened? I missed the whole Dragon Tales era?
你干嘛? 过来 把饼干还给我
What are you doing? Come here! Give me my Twinkie!
过来 你这个小妖精
Get back here, you freaking gremlin!
别因为小花生找到饼干就吼他
Don’t yell at Peanut because he found your Twinkie stash.
小花生是谁? 阿亮呢?
Who’s Peanut? Where’s Sundance?
别提起阿亮 孩子才刚克服哀伤
Don’t mention Sundance. The kids just stopped crying.
伤心什么? 为什么? 怎么了?
About what? Why? What happened?
他死了?
He died?
不不…
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
那头笨狗和那身柔软的毛
The stupid idiot and soft fur.
爸爸忍♥太久了 – 他是最棒的狗
Daddy held it in so long. – He was the best dog!
他终于放开自己 感受一切了
He’s finally letting himself feel it.
有一晚 鸭子的头掉下来
One night when the duck’s head was off…
他想用我的腿代替 我没让他上
…he tried to hump my leg and I didn’t let him…
我应该要让他上的 我好难过
…and I should’ve and I’m sorry.
我真是猪头 – 没事了没事了
What an idiot. – It’s okay, it’s okay.
我到底做了什么?
What the heck did I do?
我爱你 你还爱我吗?
I love you. Do you still love me?
迈可
Oh, Michael.
这已经…
It’s been…
我被你搞糊涂了
I’m really confused.
不…我会改 好吗? 我会成为更好的男人 我保证
No, no, no. I’ll change, okay? I’ll be a better man, I promise.
别走 我会减少工作的时间
Don’t go, don’t go. I’ll stop working so much, okay?
我会陪你 留在我身边
I’ll be with you. Just stay with me.
老天 鸭子很快就忘了阿亮嘛
Oh, my God, it didn’t take the duck long to get over Sundance.
这有点怪 不过让我有点心痒
It’s a little deviant, but it’s kind of turning me on.
是啊我们就床头吵床尾和吧
Yeah, well, let’s kiss and make up.
不…
No. No!
这不是我的错
It’s not my fault.
它自己快转 我根本没动手
It jumped on its own. I didn’t even hit the button.
你也差太多了
Not even close.
搞什么…
Yes?
吓死人 – 老公 楼下怎么了?
You scared… – Honey, what’s going on down there?
没事 刚刚有只老鼠 我宰了它
It’s all right! L… There was a mouse! I killed it!
它死了 不过它死前撞破了桌子
It’s dead! But it broke the table first!
你怎么进来的? – 我有感觉 你想见我
How did you get in here? – I had a feeling you wanted to see me.
我吓坏了 这玩意坏了
I’m freaking out. This thing, it’s broken.
它自己会快转
It’s just… It’s fast-forwarding on its own now.
它没坏 这是它的特别功能
It’s not a malfunction, it’s a feature.
它运用记忆来执行你的偏好
It’s using its memory to execute your preferences.
它记得我的事? 什么意思?
It remembers stuff? What do you mean?
它是先进设备 就像”替你录”
It’s an advanced piece of equipment, like TiVo.
你可以叫它”替你快”
You could call it MeVo.
我快转过嘿♥咻♥一次 但只有一次
I fast-forwarded through sex one time, I don’t wanna skip it forever.
我喜欢嘿♥咻♥ 那感觉很赞
I like sex. It feels good.
要是我说错 请指正 你快转了一整年
Correct me if I’m wrong, but you fast-forwarded through an entire year.
那可有很多的嘿♥咻♥
That’s a lot of sex.
全加在一起 得花你30分钟
Put it all together, that’s like 30 minutes’ worth for you.
不…
Oh, no, no. So what, everything I fast-forwarded…
我快转过的它就自己来? – 差不多
…it’s gonna do it on its own now? – Pretty much.
不再洗澡不再塞车
No more showering, no more traffic.
不再吵架不再生病
No more arguing. No more sickness.
这很糟糕
This is bad, this is bad.
你拿回去 我要取消服务
You take it back, I’m deactivating my service.
我不要了 谢谢你所做的一切
I quit, I quit. Thanks for everything, all right, but l…
好耶
Yeah.
你… 这不可能
You… This is not…
别这么坏嘛
Don’t be mean.
真不错的帽子
Nice hat.
不不…
No, no, no.
离开我…别来烦我
Get away from me. Just get away. Get away. Leave me alone.
你是胯下藏枪? 还是硬起来了?
Is this a stickup? Or are you just happy?
是吗? 我这就脱了裤子…
Yeah? I’m gonna take my clothes off, then…
我要是你就不会脱
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
只剩一个地方能让它跳出来了
There’s only one place left for it to pop up.
不 我不要它 拿回去
Oh. No, no, I don’t want that. Come on, man.
我说过 这东西不能退货
I told you, this item is nonreturnable.
拜托 拿去吧 – 下次再见了
Come on, just take it. – Until we meet again.
别那样 颜王 我要怎么停止快转?
Don’t do that. Come on, Morty. How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding?
老公 你醒了
Morning, sweetie.
你想先洗澡吗?
You wanna shower first?
好 不好!我不能洗澡 因为那样就会快转
Yeah. No! I can’t shower because then I’ll fast-forward.
要是快转 谁知道会快转去哪
And if I fast-forward, who knows how long I’ll fast-forward for.
我今天要像乡下人一样随性
How’s this? I’m gonna rough it today, like in the Old West. Okay?
唐娜 我想告诉你这是怎么回事
Donna, I wanna tell you what’s going on right now so bad…
不过我想那可能会害我们吵架 而我们不能吵架 因为我会快转
…but it might lead to an argument. We can’t argue because off I’ll go.
所以你只要知道出了个问题
So just know there is a problem.
我昨晚是想解决那个问题 结果我差点屁♥股♥开花
I tried to get rid of the problem, it almost ended up in my ass.
我以我要去上班 把状况搞定
I’m gonna go to work and try to figure this out.
你要穿浴袍去上班?
You’re going to work in your bathrobe?
老婆 我说过我们不能吵
Honey. We can’t argue, okay? No more arguing.
你对我错 永远都是 你要亲一个吗?
You’re right. I’m wrong. All the time. You want a kiss?
亲一个 – 我不能亲你 因为要是我亲你
I’ll take a kiss. – I can’t. If I give you a kiss…
就会开始 然后咻的一声就完了
…it might lead to something else, then… three minutes goes by.
你失望的躺在那 而我就像白♥痴♥
You’re laying there disappointed, I’m smiling.
我想与你共度此生的每一刻 所以我现在就得出门了
I wanna be with you every minute of my life, that’s why I gotta leave now.
祝你愉快
Have a great day!
迈可再度丢下困惑又挫折的唐娜
Once again, Michael left Donna in bed confused and unsatisfied.
闭嘴啦 李四端