人生遥控器（2006）

Michael Newman.
你的人生有救了
I’m about to rock your world.
好
Okay.
(超越万能)
说实话 这里从外面看还比较大
I gotta be honest with you. This place looks bigger from the outside.
开玩笑的啦
Just kidding.
嘿 嘿
Hey hey.
(最新商品)
我看看 我想可能在中间吧
I think maybe there in the middle?
真会藏
Sneaky.
盒子呢? 有使用说明书吗?
Where’s the box? Does it come with directions?
不需要
Not necessary.
只要对准 按下
Just point, click.
它自己会设定程式
Eventually, it will program itself.
这要多少钱?
How much is this thing?
我可不是亿万富翁
Because I ain’t exactly Thurston Howell, you know?
算你走运 这还没输入存货系统
Lucky for you, it’s not in the bar-code system yet.
所以我打算就送给你
So I’m gonna have to just give it to you.
等等 你想干嘛?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s the catch here, man?
要看我脱衣服? 我可不上断背山
Want me to take my shirt off for you? Because I don’t play for that team.
拜托 你别闹了
Hey. Man, get out of here.
那你干嘛这么做?
Why are you doing this, then?
因为好人偶尔需要休息
Because good guys need a break every once in a while.
拿去
Take it.
好好享受吧
Enjoy.
好吧
All right.
你只需要知道一件事
Only one thing you need to know, Michael.
这玩意不能退货
This item is nonreturnable.
我♥干♥嘛退一件免费的赠品?
Why would I wanna return something I got for free?
夹心饼 你不需要
Twinkie. You don’t need it. You don’t need it, man.
不过你需要奶油卷 干的好
You do need a Yodel, though. Okay. Good job.
来看看你有多行
Let’s see what you got, mate.
我打开电视了 我真行
Look at me, turning my own TV on. I’m a freaking whiz kid.
我跟孩子们谈过了
So I talked to the kids. – Oh, yeah?
他们能谅解这个周末不去露营
They’re very understanding about not going camping this weekend.
很好 – 我说可以改为请朋友来过夜
Great. – They could have a sleepover instead.
好主意 谢谢你
That’s a great idea. Thank you, thank you.
也谢谢你这么体谅我
Thanks for being so cool about this too.
我能问你一件事吗?
Can I ask you something? – Yes.
在你这么努力工作 成为公♥司♥里的大人物之后
After you do all this work and become a big player at your company…
你真的认为你还有时间留给我们
…do you think you’re gonna have more time for us…
或者一切会更失去控制?
…or are things just gonna get even more out of control?
等等 当我成了大老板
Wait. When I get to that place and become a boss…
百万富翁大人物
…a millionaire, a big shot, the first thing I’m gonna do…
第一件要做的事就是 请一堆像我这样的笨蛋来效命
…is hire a bunch of idiots just like me to do all my work.
到时你我和孩子们就能随心所欲
So then you, me and the kids can do whatever the hell we want.
你只要给我一点时间就好
You just gotta give me some time.
别用那副表情看我
Don’t give me that look.
我只是请你支持我 可以吗?
I’m just saying, give me some support. All right?
我爱你 去睡吧
I love you. Go to sleep.
你仔细想想吧 迈可 – 当然
Just think about it, Michael. – Absolutely.
别吃奶油卷了
And stop with the Yodels.
你会肥死的 – 好
You’re gonna wake up 400 pounds. – Okay.
别乱叫 大家都在睡觉
Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude. Everybody’s sleeping.
你又要便便了?
You gotta poop again?
去跟你的鸭子玩摔角吧
Why don’t you do the humpy-pumpy on the duck, okay?
拜托你忍♥个五分钟 还有给我放小声一点
Will you just hold it in for five minutes and keep the freaking volume down?
我想喝太多…
I guess when you combine…
咳嗽糖浆配奶油卷
…mass quantities of cough syrup with Yodels…
就会产生幻觉
…you get acid.
去吧
Go.
你说想便便 那就快便啊
Hey, you said you gotta go. Go already, man.
大便狗 快便!
Sniffy Longdroppings, today.
我的妈呀!
Holy motherfu…!
是啊你说的对 短期来说
Yeah, I mean, you’re right. In the short run…
整形手术很不方便
…plastic surgery is a hassle.
不过半年后
But six months later…
我就会拥有一副
…I’m gonna have a face and a body…
能让我挤进上流社会的身体
…that’s gonna get me to places where I wanna be.
我妈还是老样子 她说
Oh, my mother, typical, you know, she says:
手术太危险了
“Oh, this procedure is too risky.”
天呐 我女儿要是想去削颧骨 我想我会抓狂
If Samantha wanted her cheekbones shaved down, I think I’d freak out too.
我知道 不过他们太老土了
I know, but I just think, you know, they’re too Slavic.
你也该做点手术
You should get some work done.
那样迈可也许会多花点时间陪你
Then maybe Michael will wanna hang out with you too.
早 迈可 你今天气色真糟
Morning, Michael. You’re looking very crappy today.
早 珍宁 你今天真老土
Morning, Janine, you’re looking very Slavic.
你只是嫉妒我跟唐娜要去健身房♥
You’re just jealous because Donna and I are going to the gym…
而那些小伙子都想跟我们搭讪
…and all the guys are gonna be hitting on us.
迈可知道他是我唯一的爱
Michael knows he’s my one and only.
直到永远 宝贝
Forever and ever, babe.
昨晚很抱歉 我爱你
Sorry about last night. And I love you. I’m s…
老天 我好想要那个
Oh, my God. I want that so bad.
一个我能亲吻热爱 又能给他爱情果汁的丈夫
A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice to.
你已经玩过三个丈夫 还有他们的兄弟
You’ve already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers.
我想你的”果汁”大家都喝过了
I think you’ve given enough juice to everybody.
“爱情果汁”
Love juice.
你太清楚我了
You know way too much about me.
我真不该上 《MontelWilliams》的
I should never have done that Montel Williams show.
连见多怪事的莉菁
Even Montel Williams thinks you’re crazy…
都觉得你怪
…and he’s seen a lot of shit.
我只是想要人陪
I was desperate for companionship!
我历任的丈夫
All of my husbands…
他们全都在情感上抛弃了我
All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
你在他们去工作时 跟他们失业的兄弟混
They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers.
像只母狗 – 老公!
You’re a horndog. – Michael.
好了 别激动
Okay, sweetie. Calm it down. – No, no!
我从小就有自尊的问题
I have had self-esteem issues since I was a kid.
我养过一只叫胡椒的兔子
I had a rabbit named Pepper. And that rabbit abandoned me too!
连那只兔子也甩了我
Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb…
别看我
Don’t look at me!
我到底怎么了? – 小兔子小兔子…
What’s wrong with me? – Bunny rabbit, bunny…
这球投出 松井打出去了
Here’s the pitch to Matsui. A deep drive.
球飞的又高又远
Oh, my, it’s out of here!
松井秀喜击出 带有两分打点的右外野全垒打
A two-run shot into the right-field seats for Hideki Matsui.
抱歉 你说什么?
I’m sorry. What was that?
她有很多麻烦 你干嘛那样?
She has so many problems. Why do you have to be so mean?
我不知道 哈啰
I don’t know, l… Hello.
我得走了
I gotta go.
很好 乖机器狗
Yeah, good RoboDog.
它能用六种语言汪汪叫呢
And he can bark in over six different languages.
好酷哦
It’s so cool.
是啊比你们的活笨狗酷多了
Yeah, it’s much cooler than your stupid, human dog.
爸 你看到凯文的新机器狗了?
Hey, Dad, see Kevin’s new robot dog?
有 还不错
Yeah, yeah. Very nice.
还不错? 这只狗比你的车还值钱
“Very nice”? This thing is worth more than your car.
它现在可不值钱了 – 机器狗!
Not anymore it ain’t. – RoboDog!
Hey hey hey.
这是不是什么实境秀? 你是主持人?
Okay. Is this some sort of reality show? Are you the host?
颜王? 摄影机在哪?
Morty? Where are the cameras?
跟大家都串通好了? 阿亮的表现也很不错
Got everybody in on it, huh? Sundance did very well also.
好吧 全国的人 你们笑吧 我是个白♥痴♥
All right, America! Have your laugh! I’m an idiot!
老婆 你跑不掉的
Donna, I’m gonna get you!
快转
Fast-forward.
没有人在笑你 迈可
Nobody’s laughing at you, Michael.
是你想要能控制你世界的 万能遥控器
You wanted a universal remote control that remote-controls your universe.
是啊不过是什么控制我跳舞?
Yeah, but what controls my dance skills?
颜王也喜欢呢!
Oh, Morty likes it too.
迈可 按下选单
Michael, just hit menu.
遥控器上的?
On the remote?
不 是餐厅菜单 当然是遥控器上的
No, the menu at the Red Lobster. Yes, on the remote.
这是哪里?
Where are we?