人生遥控器（2006）

熟悉那些 以你的力量大家会以为你是海豚再世
You master that, people are gonna think you’re a half a dolphin out there.
真的? – 是的
Really? – Yeah.
真可爱
Cute.
老板
Hello? Mr. Ammer.
小班 慢一点 这又不是比赛
Ben, honey, slow down. It’s not a race.
这是五分钟内的第二碗了
That’s his second one in five minutes.
一直吃不停
Keeps eating more and more.
他就像机器 他不可能还饿
He’s like a machine. He can’t still be hungry.
他不饿 他只是爱学他老爸 这快把我逼疯了
He’s not. He’s just doing whatever Michael’s doing. It’s driving me crazy.
迈可最近做的事 都很不健康
Everything Michael’s been doing lately is very unhealthy for him.
他会害死他自己的
He’s gonna kill himself.
我们说的是具指标性的大楼
Like a signature building we’re talking about.
我的老天
Oh, my God.
别再吓我了
Scared the crap out of me.
爸 你会活多久?
Dad, how much longer are you gonna live?
一分钟 – 一分钟?
One minute. – One minute?
爸爸过一分钟就要死了
Daddy’s gonna die in one minute! – Oh, no, honey.
别担心 我不会死
Don’t worry. I’m not dying.
我还要撑两百年 那样够久吗?
I’m gonna live for 200 years. Is that long enough for you and me?
你保证? – 我保证 我发誓 过来
Promise? – I promise. Swear. Come here.
你们这群混♥蛋♥
You son of a bitch!
这里有家庭聚餐
Hey! There are families here!
放尊重点 你们这些混混
Show some respect, you pieces of shit!
回家去看电视吧 老头子
Go home and watch VH1, old man.
不准再点了
Don’t light another damn one!
小班 我手上拿了什么?
Benjamin. Benjamin. What am I holding?
一枚硬币 我有糖尿病
A quarter. Now, Grandma does not let me eat ice cream…
奶奶不准吃冰淇淋 – 没错
…because of my diabetes. – True.
不过她没说不能吃硬币
But she says nothing, however, about a tasty quarter.
好了
Okay.
好了好了
All right. All right.
快数到三 因为它很难吃
Very quickly, please, count to three because it tastes terrible.
一二三
One, two, three.
你在唬烂我
Are you shitting me?
他先是吃东西像他爸 现在连说话都像他了
First he’s eating like his father, now you’re talking like him?
不准你再那样说话
Ben. – Don’t you ever say that again.
对不起 奶奶 – 爷爷 你怎么做到的?
Sorry, Grandma. – How do you do that, Grandpa?
好魔术师是不会泄露秘密的
A good magician never reveals his secrets.
你♥爸♥从小就想知道…
Your daddy has wanted to know how I’ve done that trick…
我怎么做到的
…since he was your age.
对不对 儿子?
Isn’t that true, son?
迈可 你在跟谁说话?
Hey, Michael. Michael, who are you talking to?
跟我老板 妈 别紧张啦
Jesus. I’m talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy.
是吗? 叫他找点事做
Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life.
你在跟家人团聚 你很忙
You got family here. You’re busy. Come on.
我妈向你问好
My mother says hello.
他真是个大人物 不是吗?
Oh, he’s such a big boy, isn’t he?
手♥机♥讲不停 大人物
On his big cell phone. Big boy.
好 去睡吧 谢谢 好 晚安
That’s it. Get some sleep. Thank you, Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night.
你说完了? 现在可以休息了? – 对不起
Are you done? Can we relax now? – Sorry.
来啊老头子
Eat me, grandpa!
你们死定了
You’re dead.
靠! – 没错 赶快跑吧
Oh, shit! – Yeah, you better run!
你老爸的屁♥股♥在高中就被我踢过
I kicked your father’s ass in high school!
现在我要踢你的
Now I’m gonna kick yours!
我恨那个人
I hate that man.
好了 晚安 你们两个牛仔
Okay, good night, you two cowboys.
举手投降吧 宝嘉公主
Reach for the sky, Pocahontas. – No, back to bed.
快去睡觉 宝嘉公主下班了
Come on. Pocahontas is off duty. I’m out of here.
警长 你生病了?
You getting sick, sheriff?
我没时间生病我没生病
I don’t got time to be sick, so no.
我要看亚洲建筑的纪录片
I need to watch this documentary on Asian architecture.
你得休息一下 老公
Well, you gotta get some rest sometime, sweetheart.
要是你周末架帐篷时倒下
Besides, the woodland creatures will laugh at you…
森林里的小动物都会笑你的
…if you collapse trying to put up the tent this weekend.
我忘了告诉你
Yeah. I forgot to tell you.
这次露营之旅要延期了
We gotta postpone the camping trip.
安默要我做一个案子
Ammer put me on a project.
周二要交 要是没完成设计 案子就没了
It’s due Tuesday. If I don’t finish, I’m off it, so…
孩子们嚷着要跟你去露营一年了
The kids have been talking about camping all year.
你以为我不知道?
Think I don’t know that?
只是我做的每件事每个选择
It’s just every choice I make, everything I do…
都会让某人失望
…I disappoint somebody.
你最好不要让最重要的人失望
Make sure you don’t keep disappointing the wrong people.
我又不是去酗酒赌博或把妹
I’m not out drinking or gambling or hitting on chicks.
我努力工作让我的家人
I’m working my ass off so my family can have a better life…
能过比我从小梦想还要好的日子
…than I dreamed of when I was a kid.
要想美梦成真 就得让我看那个烂节目
The only way for that to happen is for me to watch this stinking show!
所以 别激动 老婆
So relax, hon.
不会吧?
Are you kidding me?
拜托你放过我一次吧!
Will you give me a break one time?
该死!杜尔家有万能遥控器
Damn it! The O’Doyles got a stinking universal remote control.
我们也要有一支
We’re gonna have one too.
我受够这一切了
I’m sick of this.
你要我帮你开车♥库♥门吗?
You want me to open the garage for you?
营业时间已过
Closed.
营业时间已过
Closed.
营业中
Open.
万能卫浴寝具商城
Bed Bath & Beyond it is.
嘿
Hey man?
你们店里有卖♥♥万能遥控器吗?
You guys got any universal remote controls in there?
要遥控浴帘还是踏脚垫? – 遥控电视
For a shower curtain or a bathmat? – For a television.
我想没有 遥控毯子的要不要?
I don’t think so. Maybe for a blanket?
毯子也有遥控器?
You got a remote for a blanket?
我不是工作人员 我来等朋友的
Sorry, I don’t work here. I’m waiting for my friends.
你是在唬弄我吧
You’re kidding me.
我是没朋友 你愿意当我朋友吗?
Actually, yes. I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?
朋友!
Wow, man.
寝具寝具
Bed. Bed.
卫浴用品卫浴用品
Bath. Bath.
寝具
Bed.
我真受够了我的生活
So tired of my life.
万能?
Beyond?
(其它万能用品)
抱歉偷偷走进来
Sorry to sneak up on you. I just…
你们这里有万能遥控器吗?
You guys got a universal remote control back here?
有东西跟臭薯条一样发臭
Something stinks like stale french fries.
可能就是我吧
All right, that’s probably me.
你知道 速食会缩短你的寿命
You know, fast food shortens your life.
我也这么听说
Yeah, that’s what I heard.
不过照最近情况看来 那样也好
But the way my life’s been going lately, that ain’t such a bad thing.
你在找万能遥控器?
You’re looking for a universal remote control?
对 一支搞定一切
Yeah. Just one device to do it all for me…
让我的人生更简单快速 别这么复杂
…make my life a little easier, quicker, not so damn complicated.
我不该这么做的 不过你似乎是个好人
I’m not supposed to do this, but you seem like a good guy.
终于有人注意到了 谢啦
Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you.
我要拿支刚进货的遥控器给你看
I’m gonna show you a remote we just got in…
那是我们这里
…that’s probably the most advanced piece of technology…
最先进的科技产品
…we have in this place.
听来不错 – 是很不错
Sounds sweet. – It is sweet.
最新最赞的万能遥控器 还没正式上市
The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet.
我想杜尔家的遥控器一定比不上
I guess the O’Doyles’ remote can bite my advanced-technological ass then.
我不认得杜尔家
I don’t know the O’Doyles…
不过他们一定会很嫉妒你
…but they can bite it hard.
是啊
Yeah.
跟我一起到后面
Come in the back with me.
好
Okay.
你真好
This is… This is very nice of you.
你叫什么来着? – 叫我颜王
What’s your name, anyways? – Call me Morty.
颜王 我是迈可纽曼
Morty, I’m Michael Newman.
迈可纽曼