疯狂店员3（2022）

Can we get back to you acting in a movie
你说你要自导自演的那部分？ 你之前根本就没有
that you’re directing even though you’ve never acted in
任何演出或是导演的经验
or directed a movie before?
奥森威尔斯还不是这样
It worked for Orson Welles.
你不是个演员
You’re not an actor.
霍华德斯特恩也不是啊
Neither was Howard Stern,
他还不是在他的自传电影里演出了
but he acted in the movie about his life.
如果那也能算演戏的话
If you call that acting.
难道你能演得比他好？
You think you can do better?
比《纽约鸟王》里的霍华德斯特恩好吗？
Better than Howard Stern did in Private Parts?
那有什么难的
It’s not a high bar.
那太好了 蛋踢就由你来演吧
Great, because you’re playing Dan-T.
什么？不行…不行 我不会演戏
What? No, no, no. I’m not. I can’t act.
你跟选秀会上的那几个小丑
You’re as good as any of the jokers
没什么两样
we saw at 1the audition.
再说了 我会演我自己 所以你也演你自己吧
Besides, if I’m gonna play me, you gotta play you.
就这样吧 蛋踢先生
You have to do this, Mr. Dan-T.
你也帮帮忙
Oh, for God’s sakes,
不要再叫我蛋踢先生了
please stop calling me Mr. Dan-T.
对了 别管那些假名了
That’s another thing. Fuck all the fake names.
这是哪门子玩意？《疯狂杂♥志♥》吗？
What is this shit, Mad Magazine?
蓝道要演的就是蓝道
Randal is playing Randal.
但丁要演的就是但丁 又叫但丁先生
Dante is playing Dante, aka Mr. Dante,
艾利亚斯要演的就是艾利亚斯
and Elias is playing Elias.
我也会在电影里吗？
I’m in the movie, too?
对 身为撒旦的信徒要演个基♥督♥徒
Yup. And as a Satanist playing a Christian,
这会考验到你的演技
you’ve gotta act the most.
这是我的大好机会
It’s my very own chance…
可以变身了
to transform.
变身吧 大黄蜂
And transform you shall, Bumblebee.
但丁先生很快就可以拿到我们的资金了
Soon as Mr. Dante secures our fuckin’ financing.
太可惜你没有跟那个小妞艾玛结婚了
Yo, it’s too bad you didn’t marry that Emma chick,
阴蒂很大的那个
the one with the big clit.
她不是什么洗车场的女继承人吗？
Wasn’t she like some kinda car wash heiress or something?
能不能正经点
Can you focus?
就算我们全都扮演自己
Even if we do play ourselves,
顾客的部分还是需要演员啊！
you still got to cast all the customer parts.
我♥干♥嘛要找人来演顾客说那些鬼话？
Why am I casting customers to say all this stupid shit
反正真正的顾客还不是
when I still see the real customers
每天一进来这里
who said all the stupid shit in the first place
就在说鬼话？有他们就够了
come in here every day? They can do it.
天啊 你不能就这样
Oh, my God, you can’t just turn
把普通人拍进电影里
regular people into movie stars.
哈个草
Noinch, noinch, noinch! Smokin’ weed.
哈个草
Smokin’ weed!
来一包卷好的 好兄弟
Pack of wraps, my good man.
是时候放松一下 喝点小酒
Time to kick back, drink some beers
抽点大♥麻♥了
and smoke some weed.
你不是开了一间烟草店吗？
You own a whole weed store.
蓝道 我有个主意
Hey, Randal, I’ve got an idea.
让杰跟鲍勃扮演杰跟鲍勃如何？
What if Jay and Bob play Jay and Bob?
我们可以问问看
Well, we can ask ’em. Yo.
你们俩要在我的电影里面参一咖吗？
Youse guys want to be in my movie?
爱情动作片吗？
Ooh, a pornography movie?
不是色情片
It’s not a porno movie.
是我们打算在你店里拍的电影
It’s the movie we’re shooting in your store.
那个电影？你还没拍完啊？
That movie? You still ain’t done?
我们根本还没开始拍
We haven’t even started yet.
是吗…我们在电影里面要扮演谁？
I don’t know. Who would we be playing in this movie?
里面有两个角色我是根据
Well, it’s these two characters I kind of based
你跟玛姬辛普森塑造出来的
on you and Maggie Simpson here.
看看你们的出场
Check out your first scene.
他们根本就不算是演员
These guys aren’t real actors.
但他们是真的白烂 我要的就是这样
But they are real fucked up and I could work with that.
这个根本就不像我
This doesn’t sound like me at all.
你在讲什么东西？
What are you talking about?
里面的这些话
All the shit in there is all the stuff
都是我亲耳听见你挂在嘴边的
I’ve personally heard you say around here.
我才不会像这样讲话 兄弟
I do not talk like this, man.
你怎么会要我一直说这种白目的台词
Why do you have me saying stupid shit like
像是“喵的咧”？
“Snootchie Bootchies” all the time?
这样吧
I’ll tell you what.
你们两个在电影里面本色出演
If you guys play yourselves in the movie,
我就让你们两个负责管理茶水区
I’ll let you guys be in charge of Crafty, too.
茶水区是什么东西？
So what’s Crafty about?
除了在电影里面担纲搞笑之外
Well, in addition to being the comic relief in the movie,
你们还负责管理拍摄现场的餐点
you’d also be in charge of all the food on set.
我们在经营《抽个屌♥》的时候
Ooh, we learned about food prep
有学过供应餐点的知识
back when we ran the fucking Cock Smoker.
那间店里卖♥♥的不就是药吗？
Wasn’t that place just a drug front?
错了 我们店里卖♥♥药
No, we had drugs in the front
店的后面也卖♥♥药
and drugs in the back.
如果让艾利亚斯扮演艾利亚斯
So if Elias is playing Elias
这几个蠢蛋也扮演他们自己
and these dopes are playing themselves,
那谁来扮演薇若妮卡？
who are you gonna get to play Veronica?
真是问得巧
Well, funny you should ask,
我今天稍早才把剧本
’cause earlier today I sent the script
寄给一个绝对适合
to someone who will be absolutely…
扮演薇若妮卡的人选
…perfect to play Veronica.
你们这些人以为自己是谁？
Who the fuck do you people think you are?
薇若妮卡？ -这是什么鬼东西？
Veronica? – What is this filth?
这个卑鄙低俗的垃圾
What is this gamey, tawdry trash
把我写成浪荡的性成瘾？
that makes me out to be some slutty sex maniac?
我只不过是想
It’s just a movie I’m making
拍个自传电影 想说
about my life, and I thought
妳要是能在里头扮演自己应该会很有趣
it’d be fun for you to play yourself in it.
是这样吗？
Oh, you did?
对
Yeah.
你真♥他♥妈♥的噁心 -嘿！
Then you are fucking sick! – Hey!
对我的杰作客气点
Watch it with my artistic expression.
杰作？那是我的人生！
“Artistic expression”? That’s my life.
是我的人生才对
It’s my life.
好啦 大家都冷静
Okay, everybody, calm down. Jeez.
妳大学的时候不是朝思暮想
Oh, come on, you would have killed
就想在电影里演出吗？
to have been in a film in college.
妳还主修戏剧呢
You majored in drama.
我是副修戏剧
I minored in drama.
我的主修是口腔外科
I majored in oral surgery.
大家为口♥交♥女王欢呼！
All hail the queen of oral.
去你的 -口腔
Fuck you. – Surgery.
刚刚口误
You didn’t let me finish.
只要电影里面有我的角色
And I’m not gonna let you finish this film either,
我绝不会让你把电影拍出来的
not with me as a character.
我不是那种你可以拿来拍成
I’m not some fucking joke you get to tell
三流低级电影的小丑
in your dirty little B movie,
你们这两个脱衣舞界的索德柏
you two-bit strip mall Soderbergh.
我觉得自己更像零售业的李察林克雷特
I see myself more like retail’s Richard Linklater.
非拍不可 是吗？
You want to do this?
可以 但别扯上我
Fine, but leave me out of it.
我不像你们 我有正式的工作
Unlike either of you, I’ve got a grown-up job.
我不像你们 我有家庭
And unlike either of you, I’ve got a family.
老哥 我很抱歉
Oh, man, I’m so sorry.
对不起
I… Sorry.
别哭了
Please don’t cry.
我今天过得很糟
It’s just been a shit day.
被两个病人放鸽子
I had two cancelations.
我前任打电♥话♥说
My ex calls to tell me that
他不打算把我们女儿的车
he’s not putting our daughter’s car
纳入他的保险里面
on his insurance,
结果她也迁怒于我
and so now somehow she’s pissed at me.
现在我又在你面前说了那些话