疯狂店员3（2022）

Uh, I have a question about the script.
好 还有什么毛
Great, more fuckin’ notes.
说吧 -好
Go ahead. – Yes.
我对这个白烂修士的角色有意见
Uh, I have a problem with the Friar Fuck character,
我猜那应该就是我吧
who, I believe, is supposed to be me.
白烂修士信耶稣
Friar Fuck, uh, loves Jesus,
已经到了一种不太正常的程度
uh, to what appears to be an unhealthy degree.
然后呢？
And?
然后艾利亚斯已经重生为撒旦的信徒了
And Elias is a born again Satanist.
因为你这条命是撒旦救的
Because it was Satan who saved you
耶稣那个大混帐对我的祈祷
when my prayers fell on the deaf ears of Jesus,
充耳不闻像是聋了一样
the giant jerkoff.
好 听我说 白烂修士
All right, listen up, Friar Fuck.
我知道你跟你的耶稣男朋友
I get that you just broke up
最近刚分手
with your boyfriend Jesus recently,
因此对穿搭以及化妆
and clearly you’re going through some couture
开始感兴趣
and cosmetic stuff because of it.
但你人生的前36年一直都为耶稣着迷
But for the first 36 years of your life,
到了不太正常的程度
you were into Jesus to an unhealthy degree,
那个艾利亚斯才是我创造出白烂修士的依据
and that’s the Elias that I based Friar Fuck on.
所以这个剧本都是唬烂的
Then this script is based on lies.
欢迎加入电影界
Welcome to the movie biz.
这个作品全都是唬烂出来的！
There’s no truth in this art!
老天
Jesus.
每个人都想当评论家
Everyone’s a critic.
我们下一步该怎么做？
So, what do we do next?
这个问题怎么会问达克呢？
What are you asking Dak for?
我一个人做不来 我需要个制片
Well, I can’t do this alone. I need a producer.
就是你啦 -我？
That’s your job. – Me?
我哪里懂什么制片
What do I know about producing?
拜托 我已经是编剧兼监制了
Come on. I’m already writing and directing.
不能什么事都要我全包吧 兄弟
I can’t do everything, man.
好吧 制片是干嘛的？
All right. What does a producer do?
是设定行程表、掌控预算的人
Just build us a schedule, keep us under budget,
还要找个摄影指导 最重要的是
secure a DP, and most importantly,
要帮我们找资金
find us financing.
什么 我还得弄钱？
What, I gotta get money, too?
打算要多少？
How much are we talking about here?
两万五美元
Mmm, 25 grand.
两万五千美元？
$25,000?
正确而言是27575美元
Well, technically, it’s $27,575
要是打算去加拿大拍摄的话还会要更多
but it would be way more if we were in Canada.
我要去哪里
Where the fuck am I supposed to find
找这么多钱？
that kind of money from?
我们有办法弄来这么多现金
We can find that kind of cash.
什么？怎么弄？
What? How?
下个月我们即将推出加密风筝的NFT
We launch our crypto kite NFTs next month.
耶稣基♥督♥风筝NFT
So the Crimson Crypto Club
一旦这些加密风筝飞起来
could have a lot of money to invest
血色加密具乐部就有很多钱可以拿来投资了
if the crypto kites fly.
又是那些该死的风筝
Again with the fucking kites.
各位 我们需要真正的银弹才能拍出真正的电影
Guys, we need real loot to make a real movie,
那些虚拟世界里的钱没屁用
not your make pretend Matrix money,
你这个满脑子风筝的鲁蛇
you fuckin’ kite fucker.
我受够你们瞧不起风筝的这种态度了
I’m sick and tired of the kite killing attitude around here.
我们回到预算的话题
Anyway, back to the budget.
我们用商店抵押贷款怎么样？
What if we took out a loan against the store?
贷款？
A loan?
我们先等一下
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t we just
这个要慢慢考虑
slow down a minute and think about this first?
等一下？我差点就没命了
Slow down? I almost died, man.
这种事不能再等了
It doesn’t get any slower than that.
我可没时间慢慢“但丁”了
I’m not getting all “Dante” about this.
那是什么意思？
Uh, what’s that supposed to mean?
你老是龟龟毛毛
You’re the guy who can never decide
拿不定主意
whether to shit or get off the pot.
我没时间跟你耗了
Well, I don’t have time for that anymore.
从现在开始 我要积极努力
From now on, I’m gonna shit bricks
不然活着还有什么意义？
or what’s the point of being here?
来嘛 兄弟
So, come on, man,
在我想放手一搏的时候能不能挺我一把
get behind me when I shit for once.
要我♥干♥嘛？好帮你擦屁♥股♥吗？
So I can what, wipe your ass?
我也不想让这件事“但丁”
You know, I don’t wanna get all “Dante” about this,
所以你还是找别人干这件屁事吧！
but find someone else to take your shit.
蕾贝卡史考特希克斯 生于1979 卒于2006
哇 他来了
Well, well, well, here he is.
逃避的艺术家
The escape artist.
《我坐在你的坟墓上》
I Sit on Your Grave.
我们录影带店里有这部电影吧？
Didn’t we have that movie at the video store?
是《我唾弃你的坟墓》
I Spit on Your Grave.
希克斯 你要是在梦里唾弃我的坟墓
Hicks, you spit on my grave in a dream,
最好给我马上醒来道歉
you better wake up and apologize.
啊
Ah…
所以这是一场梦 -如果是的话
So this is a dream. – Uh, if it is,
你最好学着做更大更好的美梦
then you need to learn to dream bigger.
你的梦
I mean, really,
该不会就是这样吧？
this is the best that you can do?
在墓园里？
A cemetery?
你就不能做个我们…在炒饭的梦
You can’t dream us into sex…
在海滩上…
on the beach…
最好还是夏威夷
in Hawaii?
说得好像妳还想跟我炒饭一样
Like you’d wanna have sex with me now.
我老了
I’m an old man.
难道你还不知道
I’ll have you know that being dead only
死亡会让人情欲高涨吗？
increases your sex drive.
死人活着就是为了能滚床单
The dead live to fuck.
所以妳死了之后还有在打炮吗？
So you have sex in the afterlife?
当然有了
Hell’s yeah.
在天堂里除了炒饭还能干嘛
There’s nothing to do in Heaven except fuck.
所以那才叫天堂啊
That’s what makes it Heaven.
真不敢相信我太太跟别的死人睡了
I can’t believe my wife’s having sex with dead people.
是有名的死人
Famous dead people.
我正在做个名人巡回活动
I’m on the celebrity circuit now.
听妳胡扯 说个妳在天堂睡过的名人来听听
Bullshit. Name one famous person you fucked in Heaven.
就一个 好
One. Okay.
我跟埃及艳后的灵魂有过一腿
I have knocked boots with the ghost of Cleopatra, sir.
迈尔士戴维斯
Oh. And Miles Davis
弗雷德里克道格拉斯 全都在场
and Frederick Douglass, together.
还有乔治华盛顿… -什么？
George Washington… – What?
卡佛
Carver. Oh.
你知道我有多喜欢他发明的花生酱吧
You know how much I love peanut butter.
知道 -还有谁？
True. – Who else?
卡尔萨根
Um, Carl Sagan.
是个大思想家
Oh! A real thinker.
嗯…
Um…
麦尔坎X
Malcolm X.
麦尔坎超超超X -够了
Malcolm triple X. – Oh, settle down.
我敢说妳跟他们一定从头到尾全身都玩遍了
And I’m sure you’re letting them all go ass to mouth.
那当然 他们是名人
Uh, yeah, they’re famous.
你一定以为我乐在其中 不是吗？
You think I want this, don’t you?
你一直守候在我身旁
You carrying the torch for me?
我跟你说过我对待爱情的态度 希克斯
I told you how I feel about romantic love, Hicks.
我还记得
Oh, I remember.
妳说得头头是道
You were very convincing. Mmm.
一直到我求婚的那天
Right up until the day I proposed.
我们认识不过短短的15分钟
We only knew each other for, like, 15 minutes.
你却为我哀悼了15年
You’ve been mourning me for, like, 15 years.
那妳要我怎么样？
So what do you want me to do?
妳希望我就这么忘了妳吗？
You want me to just forget about you?
妳是我梦寐以求的一切
You were all I ever dreamed about.
你们俩都是
Both of you.